[Vilcsogabi]

I am not really good in expressing my thoughts and feelings but i will give it a go on my own way.
I have been on this site a couple of years ago,on a really bad low, then things started to turn good and i have been gamble free for 2 years.
Then out of nowhere, last year in december i allowed myself to gamble again.
Had a few wins things were looking good, but obviously the downfall came not much later, and i found myself in the same deep, dark hole i have known too much.
Debts, lies, stress trying to find a way out which only leads back to gambling, trying to recover my losses.
I couldn’t believe i was that stupid again…but then i had a good thought battle with myself,and realized, i really never wanted to let go of gambling because i like it too much.
Unfortunately ,for us gamblers, gambling cannot be a hobby,something you can do a few times of a week, have fun and let it be like that.
I have always envied people who could buy a scratchcard and regardless of that card was a winner or a loser they could stop.That is something we can’t do.
Had to have a good bollocking with myself to realize, a lifetime will pass by, and the outcome will never be different, my gambling addiction will always be the winner,if i let it be.
I had to give myself a good slap, to wake up and come to my senses.
There are people in my life i have hurt so many times,and they still standing next to me,believing in me.I was always scared after an episode that that will be the end, my loved ones will leave me,i have wasted my life ,that there is this uncontrollable greater power in my head, that will ruin me forever and i can’t do anything about it.
That day i decided that if other people believe in me, then i have to do the same,and things might changed.
I told my wife everything,who needless to say wasn’t happy, but a positive thing to take away from it, she was very proud that i was honest.
After i came clean there was like a mountain of weight came off of my shoulders, finally i was able to break the cycle ,didn’t have to lie,didn’t have to gamble to chase losses.
Obviously there are debts to pay, which i will, but i become rich in an other sense.
I have never been so much focused and positive in my life,that how i feel in the last 2 months.
There are so much more important things in life then gambling, having a family,waking up without having the first thought in your head that what a shitty person i am, finding joy in little things… i have to re-learn how to appreciate simple things in life,and i have to accept the fact,that as much as i love gambling, this is not something i can do.
Surely having a walk in the park and thinking about what should i bake today is not as thrilling as hitting big on a slot,but in the long run I am guaranteed a Jackpot, a happy life.

[Steev]

It was good to read your experience and see you end on such a positive note. I relapsed several times on my journey to becoming gambling free – the longest was after a 3 year non-gambling time. I remember well how devastated I was – and how I felt having to admit things to my GA support and others who knew about my problem.

It was only when I truly accepted that for me – not gambling was for life and I adopted the “status” of a non-gambler that things fell into place. I have said many times that for me – not gambling was like having a peanut allergy – just one relapse could be deadly … but in the long run, peanuts are just a small part of life and giving them up – even if I really relished them – allows me to do so many other things and to live. Not gambling allows me to live my life to the full and not have to worry about stress, be that financial or any other kind. Again thank you for reminding me of this.

[Vilcsogabi]

Thank you for your reply,i am glad that it made you feel this way.Your reply has the same effect on me,we have to truly accept who we are,and focus on how we can move forward.

Surely it is a rocky road ahead,but what a good feeling it is when you start to see progress.

The downfalls are always hard,and each time is harder to look in the mirror,and deal with the consequences, but there is always something to take away from it.I keep reminding myself what does it feel like sitting in that dark hole, and how does it feel like on the bright side.

It will all get better, let’s stay strong!

[Vilcsogabi]

Hi Kin.

Thank you for these teaching stories, they are remindig me of buddhist teachings, and i liked to think myself as a shaolin monk sometimes.

When times are hard i imagine myself retreating into my meditation cave somewhere in the himalaya and have a little converation with myself, to clear my head and remind myself which way is the right direction .

Only way is up.

[Author]

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