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  • #1908
    muckalow
    Participant

    REALLY LOOKING FOR ADVISE BUT SO MUCH TO SAY I HOPE YOU ALL R DOING OK AS THIS IS A GAMBLING FORUM I DOUBT IT 🙁 I AM THE WIFE OF MY CG TO WHICH IS GOING ON NOW NEAR 2 YEARS AT FIRST IT STARTED OUT AS IDLE FUN WITH HIS FORMER BOSS TO WHICH HE WAS INTRODUCED TO ROULETTE HIS BOSSES FIRST RESTAURANT FAILED DUE TO UNPAID BILLS ETC HE TURNED TO GAMBLING BIGTIME AND THEY TRIED TO MOVE TO ANOTHER RESTAURANT TO SEE IF THEY COULD WORK IT OUT MY HUSBAND HAD BEING WORKING WITH THIS MAN FOR 14 YEARS WHEN THEY MOVED EVERYTHING SEEMED TO BE WORKING FINE ONLY I FOUND EVERY TIME I VISITED MY HUSBAND WAS RUNNING DOWN TO THE BOOKIES TO WHICH WAS A STONE THROW AWAY LOOKING AT THESE NUMBERS AND TOLD ME HOW EASY IT WAS TO WIN……AT THE START I PASSED NO REMARKS AS HE WAS NEVER A MAN FOR GAMBLING NEVER ALWAYS WORKED PAID HIS TAXES LOOKED AFTER ME AND OUR DAUGHTER WHICH IS NOW 4……WE R TOGETHER 7 YEARS I KNOW THIS MAN 10 YEARS THE BUSINESS OF COURSE CEASED AND EVERYONE WENT THERE SEPARATE WAS TO WHICH OF COURSE MY HUSBAND WAS HEARTBROKEN TO GO FROM A SOLID JOB TO NOTHING AND AFTER WORKING WITH A MAN FOR SO LONG I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT HE WAS FEELING WE MOVED TO A NEW HOUSE EVERYTHING WAS FINE THEN SLOWLY SLOWLY THIS MAN HAS SERIOUSLY TURNED COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FOR THE FIRST 6 MONTHS I FORGAVE AND FORGOT HIM GOING TO THE BOOKIES I COULD UNDERSTAND HE WAS MAYBE BUGGERED OFF FOR HIS JOB LOSS ETC I DIDN’T REALLY AT THAT TIME UNDERSTAND THE INCREDIBLE HURT AND PROBLEMS THIS PLACE COULD CAUSE AFTER BEING IN AND OUT OF JOBS HE FINALLY GOT HIS BREAKTHROUGH 7 MINS FROM OUR HOME DRIVE ANOTHER GENTLEMAN OFFERED HIM HEAD CHEF IN HIS PIZZERIA TO WHICH NOW OVER 1 YEAR AND A HALF HE IS THERE GREAT PAY WE HAVE A SMALL BEAUTIFUL 2BED HOUSE A LITTLE CAR AND OUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER………I DO UNDERSTAND THE STRESSES OF EVERYDAY LIFE BUT THERE REALLY IS NO REASON FOR THIS MAN TO CAUSE SO BLOODY MUCH HARM FOR OUR HOME HE SPENDS HOURS ON END IN THE BOOKIES HAD LIED STOLE BEGGED I’VE KICKED HIM OUT SO MANY TIMES AND STILL TO NO AVAIL HE HAS LEFT ME BIG TIME 2WICE IN THE SHIT TO WHICH TODAY IS THE WORST ON FEB18 HE SWORE THAT WAS IT GOT HIMSELF BARRED FROM OUR LOCAL BOOKIES HE SPENT EVERY PENNY WE HAD THAT WEEK THE LOT EVERYTHING SEEMED FINE UNTIL 2 WEEKS AGO THE LIES AGAIN THE TIME SPENT AWAY FROM HOME ETC… THIS MAN I DONT THINK WANT HELP JUST KEEPS DOING IT IM DOWN 600EURO THIS WEEK AND HE HAS STOOPED SO LOW TODAY AND TOOK OUR DAUGHTER TV PROJECTOR AND SOLD IT…….. WHAT HURTS ME THE MOST IVE ALWAYS TO FIND OUT HE WILL NEVER SPILL THE COWARD 🙁 WHEN THINGS R GOOD BY GOD THEY R GOOD THIS MAN HANDS EVERY PENNY UP TO THE HOUSE MAKES SURE ALL IS OK WTF IS GOING ON I REALLY WANT TO STICK BY THIS MAN BUT I HONESTLY DONT KNOW WHERE TO START 🙁

    #1909
    jenny46
    Participant

    Dear Muckalow
    Welcome to the forums. I am doing Ok and although this is a forum for gambling issues and yes there is often sadness, anger and despair flying around there are also some brilliant examples of people who have gone on to live in control of their addictions, rebuild relaitionships and be happy – so have a read and see that all is not lost as yet.
    If your husband has this addiction it is he that ***** to really want to seek help, we can point in the right direction but frustratingly we cannot do it for them as i’m sure we would have all done it by now. Anger is understandable especially when faced with the barrage of lies that go hand in hand with the addiction and fuelled or driven by the terrible fear of what will happen next, can we cope financially etc etc. Anger will burn you out and can get in the way of your rational thought, I suspect that at the moment you are the only one there capable of rational thought.
    There are things you can do, which can help you in the short term if you are able like taking control of the family finances, removing his name from accounts, changing numbers and taking control of paying bills etc protection for you and barriers for him if he wants to stop. Looking after you is a phrase you will often hear around here and although it initially seems not to do this problem justice in a way, it really is a good way forward for you and also your child, it is about not allowing this addiction to control your day, your thoughts, in the way that it controls your husbands
    I don’t have much time to add anything else at the moment as i am skiving work !! i’m sure you will soon get loads of replies from other people but in the mean time the more you can learn the more it will help you, read as much as you can, I hope you will gain as much as I did from finding this site
    Jenny
     We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x

    #1910
    muckalow
    Participant

    dear jenny
    thanks so much for the reply means a lot and yes i’m looking through the site and already feels almost relief that i ain’t the only 1 long road it will be alright i just don’t know if i’m cut out for supporting him true all the lies deceit robbing etc and god love him he is a good man at heart but this gambling has taking control over his whole life doesn’t seem fair but the more i do seems the more am getting let down….. seems anytime it happens i’ve to find it out for myself he hasn’t the balls to tell me anything and still continues 🙁 anyways there seems to be a lot of incredible people on here and hopefully i can get a better insight to this monster of addiction
    sarah 🙂

    #1911
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Muckalow
    I wouldn’t be writing on here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled so I hope that gives you some comfort.
    I don’t think anybody would take that first gamble if they knew that addiction was waiting for them.   Your husband, like all other CGs, did not ask for nor want this terrible addiction in his life, any more than you do.  
    I understand what it is to be the unwitting enabler of the addiction. The addiction is not something that is broadcast enough in the media and the symptoms are hard to detect unless you know what you are looking for.
    There ‘is’ a reason why this man spends too many hours in the bookies and causes harm – it is called the addiction to gamble and it takes great courage to control, courage your husband lacks at the moment.  
    It isn’t cowardice that stops him telling you that he has done wrong – he hides and lies about his poor behaviour to protect his addiction because he wants you to enable him and he knows you will not enable him if you learn about his addiction.    
    Until you know if you are cut out for supporting your husband, I suggest you do nothing apart from learn about his addiction, by reading and posting on this site and/or joining a Gamanon group, which is the sister group of GA.  
    Your husband’s addiction will have caused him to lose his self-esteem and confidence; it will have destroyed his logic and reason.   You will probably have had your self-esteem and confidence severely dented but you still have logic and reason because you do not own the addiction – that means you are stronger than your husband and the person who can change her life, for the better, more easily. 
    I cannot tell you what to do, as all your decisions must be yours. Jenny has suggested good ideas for your finances and also talked about looking after ‘you’.
    Putting ‘you’ first works, even though it doesn’t feel as though you are doing much.   As a victim of your husband’s addiction you are powerless and you will be incredibly tired, angry and confused.   In control of your life, you can find different ways to fight the addiction.   Do something for yourself today – something that the addiction has stopped you doing and while you are doing it put the thought of the addiction so far to the back of your mind it can’t upset you.     Unfortunately it will still be there when you have finished whatever it is you decide to do but hopefully you will have proved to yourself that you can live without the addiction filling your mind, even if it is only for an hour or two, while you get your hair done, have a massage,see a friend or take your daughter somewhere special – anything that is just for ‘you’.   You will change the more time and effort you give to yourself and the addiction will be confused by your change.  
    I have no doubt your husband is a good man at heart but it is important to be strong and not pity him – he ***** your strength, not your pity.   
    I will leave it there fore now Sarah but there is a lot to say.   We also have Friends and Family groups where we communicate in real time and you are welcome – ***** are in the box at the top right hand of this page.
    Well done writing your first post – it is the hardest.
    Velvet
     
     

    #1912
    muckalow
    Participant

    dear velvet
    a thanks so so much for your post and yes it is hard writing the first 1 as there is so much to say……and learning about this addiction i think will give me strength to see this family through not sure where to start but ill give it a lash i do feel at the moment that he doesn’t deserve the time of day for the way he has left me and my girl but god love him i hate his addiction not him….. velvet as many on here might also agree its not the money or the time spent Away its the bare face lies and having to go and find out for myself exactly what’s going on he has turned in to a very tactful man through this and can seem to play me like a fiddle ive asked him to leave on monday for the third time in the last 6months i had honestly no choice but never the less i am here willing to educate myself in to this world of addiction as i know theres more to it than meets the eye
    thanks so much again for your reply ans also to jenny the site is honestly wonderful
    xxxxxxxxxx
    sarah

    #1913
    jenny46
    Participant

    Dear M
    The ***s are difficult to deal with, even when you know you are being told a ***, they continue and just to top it off you are then supposed to feel bad for even suggesting that your loved one is telling ***s – how dare you even think that !!! I suspect that whatever you find out for yourself will still not be the whole picture and if you continue to do this you will surely burn yourself out eventually, it is more likely that no matter how good your private detective skills become, they will not be good enough to keep up and sadly can only serve to increase the level of deception and secrecy.
    If you have protected yourself financially and he cannot access your family funds, then it could be better for you to try not to find out what he is up to, after all you do already know. You will end up being confronted with yet more ***s to wind you up and so it goes on, you have or will become a part of his cycle and it will alter nothing. It is his addiction that is playing you like a fiddle, it knows you well and thinks it knows exactly how you will react and its currently safe and secure in its be***fs about itself as a result. It may be time to give his addiction a bit of a rattling if you feel up to it, by reacting differently. When you change what you do you will get a different reaction in return. It thrives on what it perceives as a false threat, every time you don’t follow through with an ultimatum it gains strength, if possible only threaten what you are fully prepared to carry out or say nothing.
    When you feel the urge to check up or do a bit of digging – do something nice instead and give the addiction the disinterest it so rightly deserves, but to do so seriously means protecting your finances if at all possible as a priority. Whatever amount of money he can get is not likely to be enough, hence the ******** of your daughters things to gain more funds if you don’t put some protection in place you can unfortunately expect to be cleaned out again and again.
    It is difficult M ( not sure whether difficult sums it up!!) but there are some things you can do to begin to take control of your life back and away from the addiction, he is choosing to live this way at the moment and may well continue to do so until such a time comes that he is sick of the consequences to his own actions this can only really happen if he does have to suffer at the hands of his own actions, anything like paying off gambling debts or funding the habit only prolongs the process. Enablement takes many forms and ensures the addiction can thrive.
    Try and take a step back and give your head time to clear,
    Jenny
     We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x

    #1914
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Mucklow
    I read you post and was going to answer it when someone came to the door.   When I came back Jenny had replied with her usual terrific support and ideas.
    You say you hate his addiction and not him and I understand this only too well – he probably doesn’t like what he has become either.
    A coping mechanism that has worked for many of us to communicate with a CG,without losing our cool is to imagine his addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room.    As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
    Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not.  When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and from then on it controls the situation because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not.   Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak which knows only lies and deceit and seeks to make you feel blame and demoralize you.   When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.  
    My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that I loved him, his addiction distorted his mind into hearing that I was ***** because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure.   The addiction is all about failure – there is no love.   However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.  
    The above is not the professional approach but many of us have found it helped.
    You have asked your husband to leave three ***** in the last six months – how did he win you over to let him back?   I am really not judging as I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for far too many years.  Are you telling him to leave finally or are you really asking that he leave and sort himself out so that he can come back?  His addiction knows how to wheedle its way back.
    By allowing him to return still with his addiction in control of him, please believe me I cannot judge – you are enabling his addiction.   Has he gone this time?   It is important when you threaten that you mean what you say 100% because his addiction uses threats to manipulate you and therefore he will know how to play you like a fiddle – just as you have said.
     am bringing my thread “the F&F Cycle” up to the top for you to have a look at, so that you know I understand.  I hope it helps. ‘We’ have the ability to break the cycle and we do it by looking at the way we treat our loved with this addiction in a different way. 
    Keep posting and looking after ‘you’
    Velvet 
     

    #1915
    muckalow
    Participant

    dear velvet
    you r truely brilliant and jenny omg thanks so so much ive fell victim to many ***** velvet to all the empty threats but this time i mean it…. i am done being manipulated its time for me now to take control of my emotions and be strong as ive always thought my husband was the strong 1 and would always be strong but he is in a state of mind now that only himself can help but my actions will also play a huge role as if im just going to shout the odds off everytime i get the chance he will never listen its so weird and as jenny pointed out its hard to support them without wupporting their addiction!!!! very very good advice given to me already and are in practice as we speak i cant continue like this as if i do ill end up having a heart attack with all the stress and lies cant handle it im usually a hot headed woman but it has to change!!!! velvet how is your husband doing is he reformed jenny how is your husband is he reformed??? xxxxx
    sarah

    #1916
    jenny46
    Participant

    Hi Sarah
    We are not married but have been together for around 7 years if you take out the gaps, after a stint in rehab for the second time we decided to give it another go but we still live separately, we did live together at one stage. He has not gambled (as far as I am aware !!) for 8mths I think and has done really well.Its day by day for us and very early days in recovery. 
    Having said that it is still tough at ***** and I personally have been surprised at how recovery brings about a different set of issues it certainly isn’t all ‘bells and whistles’. Damage done does not go away over night, and the past can jump up and bite, but we are prepared to work at it.
    You made me smile by asking if he was "reformed" and I can’t answer you really except to say I think he’s a ‘work in progress’ and is always likely to be – but aren’t we all. The point to me is that he is trying.
    Jenny
     We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x

    #1917
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Sarah
    In my case it is my son that is a CG.  He is gamble-free for 6 years and determined on a life-time of being so. They don’t reform Sarah – they live in control of their addiction but there is no cure.   Like Jenny, I accept that my CGs life will always be a work in progress but then isn’t that true of all of us who are trying to live a good life.   It is the personal experiences and how we deal with them that make us who we are and many things change us as we go along.   Living for 25 years with the addiction to gamble has made me the person writing to you now. I am stronger for the experience.  I have made the decision that the best revenge I can have on that which hurt me for so long is to help others fight it – I couldn’t have done that 7 years ago – I have taken something from the addiction and it pleases me.
    I have married friends whose husbands are living gamble-free, one couple for 18 years, I do have their stories in my head when I write.     
    My CG changed his life in the Gordon House rehab which you can see details of on the forum page further down under GMA residential treatment Q&A.  
    It is hard to support without enabling but sowing the seeds of recovery is something we can all do, as is looking after ourselves.   Many CGs have changed their new lives on this site. There is ‘My Journal’ forum for CGs and CG only groups, we have a helpline for you and your husband. There is GA, dedicated addiction counsellors and rehabs.   I believe in letting a CG know that their loved one is seeking help. At the top of this page click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘world’. Click ‘Gambling help’ and then ‘Search’.   Scroll down to ‘Gamblers anonymous – Twenty Questions’. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.   In my opinion most members who have lived with the compulsion to gamble will also be able to answer yes to at leave seven of those questions.   
    I cannot tell you what to do but I believe it is unwise to thrust information at a CG – perhaps you could leave the 20 questions ***** around having ticked them yourself. He might screw them up and throw them away but maybe he will glance first and know that he is not alone.
    Speak soon
    Velvet

    #1918
    muckalow
    Participant

    reformed lol sorry couldn’t not honestly think of better head is fuzzled,jenny living in control of the addiction is a dam site better than living with it and that is fantastic and i sincerely hope and pray he stays away as with yourself velvet,brilliant makes me so re***ved that there is some hope for CG the real test is tomorrow when he gets paid we will see how he does his week as im not proud nor happy to see him this way but ive asked him to hand me the keys of the house and asked him to leave,ive no doubt the man will prob go and gamble im honestly not expecting 100percent but i have supp***d him info of meetings in our town and a number of a man to which is an addiction counselor ive made a stand i will support him 1000 percent if i see and feel him wanting and willing to change….. so we will see can i just ask you both also my husband since xmas has gotten really bad and at the beginning of march there was a pact made amongst our closest friends and family that he quit this **** and work with himself and get help etc and honest to god may he cut my tongue if i *** i could actually feel him trying so so hard but then 3 weeks ago here we go again omg it was like a lump in the pit of my stomach i can actually feel when there is wrong in the house ????? strange or just womans instict!!!!!!! love and light to you both **************

    #1919
    velvet
    Moderator

     
    Hi Muckalow
    How are you and what is the position with your CG? 
    Your husband probably meant what he said when he made the pact with his family and friends but when it came to the date that had been agreed, he didn’t have the determination to carry it through. He would probably have built himself up for such a date and that build up, in itself, would have had his brain in a spin and a spinning brain is not condusive to a good early recovery.
    You mention close friends and family being aware of your husband’s problem. That is really good and will be a substantial support for him when he does take a real leap of faith.
    Are the friends and family who know, all aware that enablement feeds the addition and helps it to thrive.   As long as I enabled my CG, he could not rake up the courage to make his stand.   We have focussed on enablement in the F&F topic forum below this – I know it is not easy – giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an *********.   Money does not have any meaning apart from a tool with which to gamble so if anybody lends him money, helps him with his gambling debts, gives him free rent, accompanies him to where he gambles – they are enabling. The addiction is divisive and unity between those who care is so important.
    I am not sure if it is a female instinct to know when there is wrong in the house – I certainly knew it, although I didn’t know what ‘it’ was.   I am sure men can know it too. 
    Do you know where he goes when you throw him out?   What happened when he got paid?
    I think it is possible for a CG to ‘try’ too hard.   It is important that he gets the right support when he does start his recovery.   It takes great courage and there is a massive void to fill.   It is good if those around him help him fill his time with good thoughts and good things to do.   Other CGs walking with him will help him tremendously too because they understand him as you and I cannot.
    How are you coping with him away?   It is important for you that you fill your time too and do things perhaps you had stopped doing when the addiction was in your home.
    ‘If’ you haven’t thrown him out please still post – I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons for 25 years and I know how difficult it is to remove the addiction from your home when you love the man who owns it. 
    There will never be any judgement on this forum
    Speak soon and perhaps pop into a group
    Velvet

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