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  • #4814
    Walter283
    Participant

    This is my first post and I don’t really know where to start. I have been with my partner for 3 years. I was unaware initially that there was a problem, but now he’s so out of control that I’m considering walking away for my own good. He has had therapy for gambling twice and recently attended a GA meeting which he was really positive about.
    Since the GA meeting everything has changed for the worse. He hastaken back control of his finances, has been disappearing which I assume is to gamble and for the first time he is completely shutting me out saying that he can no longer disclose what’s going on with his gambling and debt to me as I can no longer be trusted. Nothing has changed between us which would mean that I can’t be trusted so I just don’t understand. He also now says that it is my fault he’s got worse because I moan so I have pushed him to it.
    It probably sounds silly but the person I have been dealing with the past couple of weeks is not my partner. He’s mean, manipulative, constantly lying. He’s done all these things previously as he has been a CG for several years but at the moment the other side to him has disappeared completely which has never happened before.
    I feel so selfish and responsible because I know if I walk away he will get worse but I just feel so alone and so small being treated the way he’s being with me at the moment that I am considering leaving.

    Where has my partner gone? Why has his normal personality disappeared completely this time and why is he pushing me away and refusing to confide in me?

    We have dealt with his gambling together, looking for ways through and strategies to help him but he is rejecting any sort of help now. How did one GA meeting- which he came always from super positive- cause this whole spiral??
    Sorry for venting I just feel so lost.

    #4815
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    Hello Walter

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4816
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Walter
    You have started your thread well, your post was clear and is understood,
    I imagine when I write ‘the addiction to gamble gets progressively worse unless it is treated’ that you will be hollering at your screen – ‘but he has had treatment’, however, unless a CG is willing to listen to what is being offered and is determined to change there is little that can be achieved.
    CGs can react more aggressively when they eventually start taking in what they have to do if they want to live gamble-free – they can increase their gambling to even more insane proportions in a final act of madness before surrendering. They can be doubly aggressive to those who love them because they are afraid of what they need to do.
    It is common for CGs not to confide when they face their demons – if they say they are going to stop at a certain time and place, they are aware that the expectations of those who love them are heightened which increases their fear of failure.
    These are ‘some’ reasons why your partner could seem to have disappeared further into his addiction at the moment but of course it would be naive not to consider that he has chosen not to confront his addiction because he doesn’t want to do so. Putting off the battle to live gamble-free is common because it takes monumental courage to commit to change and carry it through.
    You wrote that you have dealt with his gambling together before but only your partner can really deal with his gambling, you cannot save him, you can only save yourself. Saving yourself is right for you as well as your partner because seeing you as part of the wreckage of his addiction will only cause him confusion and guilt, triggering further gambling and so the cycle continues.
    In my opinion your partner is possibly increasing his meanness towards you as his addiction is screaming at him not to give up, I think his addicted mind probably sees you as the ‘reason’ for the pain he is going through when he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his unacceptable behaviour.
    Never threaten a CG unless you fully mean to carry out your threat. The addiction to gamble is a master of manipulation and those who love CGs are almost certainly not – and nor should they try to be. You write that you have considered leaving – is this what you really want to do?
    I cannot tell you what to do Walter. I wouldn’t be writing to you now if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble could be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result but it is impossible to ‘know’ when a true recovery starts – both for the CG and those who love them – all I know is that they do start.
    I am going to leave this post here and wait to hear from you again. Never apologise for venting, you are trying to help the man you love and there is nothing to apologise for.
    Velvet

    #4817
    vera
    Participant

    Anger and fear cause me to push people away when I want to gamble.
    Anyone who steps in the way of an active gambler can expect an aggressive reaction.
    Feeling out of control causes immense fear. If another person tries to “help” it reminds a CG how out control he/she actually is.
    “Loving” acts are a huge threat to a CG.
    I would advise you Walter to take a step back from your partner.
    Things have a way of coming to a head in the gambling world.
    Try to be patient.

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