Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 257 total)
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  • #29014
    Adam26
    Participant

    Hello, I’m Adam. I’ve just signed up to this site after advice from Katie on the live chat. I’ve been gambling since I was probably 13/14. Slot machines are my thing. I would go to the arcade at dinner time when I went to school, or into town on the weekends to spend all my pocket money.
    I guess I graduated to more serious money when I left school and got a job in a pub glass collecting. I’d be happy to lose 20, 30 quid on the bandit even if that was a big percentage of my wages. As I got older I was promoted to the bar and eventually assistant steward. As the position went up, the wages went up, the gambling went up. The inclusion of a £1 a spin machine at work proved too tempting and I was regularly losing hundreds.
    More recently I’d signed up to Betfred to try my hand at gambling away from work. Once again, video slots were my thing. Started easy with £2 a spin, but it gradually grew and grew. £10 a spin, £20, £40. Soon I was losing £100 with every spin of the reels. I recently lost £11,000 from a£17,000 life savings account. I was destroyed. So imagine my delight when I managed to win and build it back up to £20,000. That should of been the end of it. But for the fact I’m here, we all know it wasn’t. I lasted roughly 1 week before I was gambling again. £100 a spin. I lost £11,500 over a week or so. I lost the final £8,500 in around 20 minutes yesterday.
    I’m absolutely mortified to say the least. I’ve no idea where to go from here. That money was supposed to go towards a new house next year. This is where my problems lie. I can’t bare the thought of telling my parents who have basically wiped my arse for 30 years. It’s all going to come out eventually when I try to get a mortgage and they check my financial history. Further still, my girlfriend who has always struggled financially, will never understand. She’s thousands in debt herself, so she’ll never be able to come to terms with me losing £8,000 in 20 minutes. I just can’t face them. I’m basically eyeing up as much stuff in my possession that I have to sell. Try and claw some of it back. If I saved £200 of my wages every week, I’ll get it back in about 100 weeks. That’s just never going to happen.

    I think I’m going to have to settle into this depression…

    #29015
    Adam26
    Participant

    Just a few after thoughts since reading a few people’s comments on here. I guess I’m not as bad as some people losing hundreds of thousands, but the demons are the same for all of us. Since I signed up to here a few hours ago I’ve checked Betfred about six times to see if they’ve given me any bonus cash to play with. I’m not sure what I’d do if they did to be honest. Gamble it, or bank it. Either way, there’s nothing there and I’ve nearly lasted a whole day without gambling. Big whoop for me. The thought of telling my loved ones still haunts me. I really don’t think I can face it. Maybe see if I can keep this up before I commit to anything. I’ve always taken pride in being straight. I talk a bit of shit, but who doesn’t. One thing I’ve never been though is a liar, so this is quite difficult for me. I think if I was asked out right I would confess all. But at the moment I’m telling myself that it’s not lying if nobody knows in the first place. Onward and upward.

    edit: £250 credited from Betfred. lost it all instantly… then i played and lost the last £400 to my name. couldn’t last a day. can’t say i’m surprised.

    Edit again: sold a signed football shirt and used the £100 straight away on Betfred. Won my £400 back. Finished with £1000. I can’t help myself. It’s going to be very hard to stop. Before I started this diary it had been 37 days straight gambling. I can’t just switch off can I?

    #29016
    monique
    Participant

    Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

    Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

    Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

    And on that note….

    I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #29017
    jansdad
    Participant

    Hey Adam, thanks for sharing and welcome to the forum. I was never able to hold onto the money I had available neither. I could never leave a loser. I would either be up for the session and quit or gamble, stepping up if necessary, to the bitter end.
    I was well aware of this and I made a good portion of my money unavailable / not easily accessible to me. It was in an account in a different country where it would take 2 or 3 days for it to clear into my current account and only then I could use it for gambling. In addition to that the amount I was able to transfer on any single day was limited.
    So whenever I was steaming out of my ears (which was often) I could only lose the money I had available and never the money that was put aside. By the time I transferred the money back to my current account and it cleared I wouldn’t be steaming so badly. Also, whenever I won anything meaningful I would wire it to the account I didn’t have an easy access to.

    Anyway that money you had is gone and you can’t have it back. It is no longer yours. What you can do is make sure you don’t lose more. Actually you can make sure you never lose another penny. Easier said than done, I know. I’ve been fighting my demons for decades and I gambled as recently as yesterday. Go figure.

    I would recommend that you read “the easy way to stop gambling” by allen carr. It is quite a good book.

    Out of curiosity, you mentioned in your post that you’re waiting for a bonus / cashback money from BetFred and if you got it you weren’t sure whether you would gamble with it or cash it out. Were you serious? Did you honestly think there was a slightest chance you would not gamble with it? I’m not trying to rub it in or anything, I just think it’s highly unlikely you honestly thought you would not gamble the money readily available in your betting account. Not to mention the fact that you probably can’t cash out bonus money till you meet their betting requirements (i. e. betting 8x the bonus amount).

    Good luck. And make sure you come here often and post often. you will find it helpfull I’m sure.

    #29018
    Adam26
    Participant

    Hello, thanks for posting. I’m not sure about the bonus to be honest. It goes off what you’ve spent/lost over the week. I was genuinely hoping to just cash it in. But it proved to tempting. Just as if everyone knew, the topic of conversation over dinner was gambling last night. I didn’t know where to look. I feel so ashamed.

    Today’s a new day. Day 1… Again…
    I slept better last night. It’s the first time for about 6 nights I’ve not been alone in bed with my thoughts. I Woke up with a sense of dread as I remembered what I’d done. Got a horrible numb feeling in my stomach that’s still lingering. Sold a pair of Dirk Kuyt’s match worn boots last night to another collector. £270 towards the rebuilding of my bank account. Or for something else maybe? Hopefully not…

    #29019
    I_Maverick
    Participant

    Adam, I feel for your story. It is so similar to mine and I guess many others. It is the worst feeling in the world. Over 3 years of gambling (poke), quitting, relapsing, losing etc etc I have lost my life savings but more importantly my self respect. Now my busienss is in trouble, my marriage is over and I have to rebuild. I read so many blogs by ex gambler and they all say the same things. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, god knows I have. Over the last few weeks I have been deep in remorse for so many things, but that is gettng me nowhere. No one’s life is perfect, far from it, and we all —- up. I am trying now to move on, be kind to myself and rebuild what I have lost. My life will never be the same again, but hopefully now it will be better and so will yours.

    Keep posting whenever you need – don’t keep thoughts in your head, it is much better to get them out. The great thing about this site is that you can then see what you wrote and where you were at a certain time.

    All my love to you and yours.

    #29020
    I_Maverick
    Participant

    Adam, I feel for your story. It is so similar to mine and I guess many others. It is the worst feeling in the world. Over 3 years of gambling (poke), quitting, relapsing, losing etc etc I have lost my life savings but more importantly my self respect. Now my busienss is in trouble, my marriage is over and I have to rebuild. I read so many blogs by ex gambler and they all say the same things. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, god knows I have. Over the last few weeks I have been deep in remorse for so many things, but that is gettng me nowhere. No one’s life is perfect, far from it, and we all —- up. I am trying now to move on, be kind to myself and rebuild what I have lost. My life will never be the same again, but hopefully now it will be better and so will yours.

    Keep posting whenever you need – don’t keep thoughts in your head, it is much better to get them out. The great thing about this site is that you can then see what you wrote and where you were at a certain time.

    All my love to you and yours.

    #29021
    charles
    Moderator

    Hi Adam, why not close that gambling account? Better yet, why not ask them to ban you? The n you won’t keep getting those tempting bonuses.

    The finances will take care of themselves if you stop gambling. Trying to keep things hidden will make it harder for you to do that. In fact trying to keep things hidden can in itself send someone gambling as they try and recoup hidden losses or pay hidden debts.

    What positive steps can you take? A blocker for your PC so you can’t reopen that gambling account or find another one? Someone to hold your money? Getting to GA meetings?

    Keep posting and let us know what positive steps you are taking.?

    #29022
    Adam26
    Participant

    Not sure why I can’t close my Betfred account. I’ve thought a lot about it but I can’t bring myself to close it for good. There’s been a few moments today when I’ve needed money but couldn’t access any. Not for gambling, just for some shopping and that. So far so good on day one again. Still got the numb feeling in my stomach and continual thoughts of how I’ll never be able to get back what I’ve lost…

    #29023
    charlster2
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    As hard as it is, it’s better for you to come clean and tell your parents and girlfriend what you’ve done. The initial shock and upset it will cause will eventually lead to what they can do constructively to help you repair the damage. In my experience, if you keep it a secret and exist in this secret world of gambling, you’ll only continue to chase losses and compound the problem further.

    I’ve self excluded myself form many online gaming sites and now can’t access most of them for 5 years. You can also set daily gaming limits to reduce losses. Again, it’s not a perfect solution because it’s best that you don’t gamble at all, but added to other measures it helps.

    I have still found ways to gamble, that is why I’m on this forum and seeking outside help, but you still have family and people close to you that can support you, care for you and guide you through this, so don’t shut them out. I let things escalate so far that I’ve pushed everyone close to me away, so I speak from experience. This fight is hard enough with the help of loved ones, but it’s far, far more difficult if you stand alone in isolation like I do.

    You may think that you have the ability to win all your losses back before anyone finds out, but even if you do, you’ll think that you can go again and next time win big. I have won tens of thousands of pounds over the years and hardly ever quit while I was winning. I always pushed my luck further and further until I eventually lost everything. There’s never a happy ending to gambling, it always ends in misery.

    I wish you all the best and hope you find the strength to confide in loved ones.

    Take care,

    Charlster2

    #29024
    Adam26
    Participant

    I managed to gather my first £1000 and transfer it to my savings account today. Only another £17,000 to go… But still, it’s a start. I’ve still not barred myself from Betfred. It almost feels like I’m testing myself. To see if I can have it and not use it. Sounds silly, but I know I’ll bar myself eventually.
    Still feel sick and empty inside. Been thinking a lot about the last couple of months. I won the £500 jackpot at work a few weeks ago. I came away with about £330 after what I put in. Two days late I was bored, put a five pound note in and won another £200. You’d think I’d be happy with that? Didn’t even blink. That’s when you know it’s a problem I guess. I suppose when you’ve got to the point where your winning one, two, three grand in one spin online, nothing else really comes close. In case your wondering, none of those amounts raised an eyebrow either. The numbness I’ve felt for gambling lately hasn’t been healty. I used to play because I enjoyed the thrill of winning. That thrill died a long time ago. It had almost become a second job I needed to go to every day. It’s still my secret. Maybe when I can safely say I’ve done 50 days. Or ive saved £5,000 I can then share it with people. As it stands at the moment, I’ve done nothing to deserve anyone’s help or understanding. I need to prove to myself I can do it first…
    Day three… Going ok…

    #29025
    JohnNobody
    Participant

    Hi Adam it is good you are wanting to stop. I would say you need to self exclude yourself from that online casino today! If you dont the odds are you will deposit again. Keeping it open means that possibly somewhere deep down you know you will gamble again!

    Exclude and do it now and exclude from any other casinos you may have open. Then install blocking software on your pcs to block ALL casinos. Without this you could stumble again. Wishing you all the best!!!

    #29026
    charlster2
    Participant

    Hi Adam,

    I can relate to what you’re saying. There are many times when I could have cashed out and won thousands, but because I had won large amounts in the past and because of how much I’ve lost over the years it was never enough. I always push my luck to the brink until I eventually lose everything.

    Not long ago I was £12000 up playing online roulette and all I did was increase my stake so I was spinning £200+ a spin, and in no time I lost the lot. That has happened to me on many occasions, I very rarely cash out when I’m winning. I gamble with trepidation and fear now, there’s no fun factor in it. I know I can’t afford to gamble a penny, yet I gamble every last penny I have on an all too regular basis!

    Just to pick up on something you said at the end of your latest post about you not deserving help, believe me, asking for help now and coming clean is the best thing you can do. You’re £17000 down at the moment, when do you think you’ll qualify for help and understanding, when you’re £50000 down, £100000 down? Now is the time to gather those close to you and meet this problem as a collective rather than face it in silence alone.

    Others may have a different view point, but from my experience, I can only say it as I see it. At the moment £17000 seems a ridiculously large amount to lose, but in hindsight, if I had come clean when my losses were only £17000, I would still have my house, still probably have my long term relationship in tact and wouldn’t be the complete wreck I am today.

    Use your family, girlfriend and friends for support sooner rather than later, don’t try to sort this out on your own.

    I obviously wish you all the best and hope that you stay strong day to day. Keep it going, you’re doing great.

    Take care,

    Charlster2

    #29027
    butchugly
    Participant

    i wanted to buy one but I’m not sure? would I be able to un-install it? cause if I can then i will.so ill be wasting my money?

    #29028
    JohnNobody
    Participant

    Just a note on blocking software. Gamblock is virtually impossible to uninstall unless you have very good coding / programmings skills and even then it can go horribly wrong and totally mess the system. Others I wont comment on. But gamblock is about as strong as it gets. Basicially when it is installed on your system ALL sites related to casinos/gambling are blocked including gaming forums and such like.

    Nothing is ever 100% but it can give you another layer of cover and protection. But the real quitting starts from within. Self excluding from casinos is at the basic level and is a must in my book for any person who is struggling with an online based gambling addiction. But hey thats just me.

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