[i-did-it]

[i-did-it]

Today I learned that I am not an addict or a gambler- I am a person who has been mAking unhealthy behavioural choices.

I learned that I have a choice .

I learned that an urge lasts about 20 minutes. If I choose to do something else during this time it will pass.

I learned that If I choose to make an unhealthy choice it impacts on my hierarchy of values – I might consider my health or my family as number one on this hierarchy but when I choose an unhealthy behaviour I am putting the behaviour above everything else in on my list. I am compromising my hierarchy of values .

I learned that I need to connect to people and I need to feel heard. I learned that it is so long since I felt heard I had forgotten what it felt like. When I felt heard and affirmed, I felt pain deep inside – which felt like a release from the overwhelming loneliness and isolation I have been feeling for too long.

I learned that support for me must not feel like judgement.
It must feel like support.

I learned why the 12 steps will never work for me.
They reaffirm every bit of negative self talk
I indulge in.

I learned that I can live a fully recovered life – that my brain can build new connections and healthy behaviours can replace unhealthy ones forever !

I learned that I will succeed and that I am worth choosing healthy behaviours over unhealthy ones.

I learned that I am relevant .

[Nick]

Today i learned that i am not. : I absolutely love that idi , thats a brilliant way of letting out how you feel. 🙂

[Steev]

If so – it feels like you are gaining a lot from them.

My only query would be the 20 minutes – I would struggle with the “should I / shouldn’t I conundrum for hours at a time.

Still I agree with a lot of what you say. I have a friend who has a dig at me whenever I meet her – whether it be my drinking or my eating the wrong stuff or my staying up too late in the evenings. I still see it as “nagging” – but I have come to realise that it comes from a genuine concern for me – and that is the only way in which she knows to express it. I guess it was what happened in her family … whereas in mine, if my parents were concerned – they didn’t voice it. Often they didn’t show it – which might be how I come over!

Anyways – I hope things are turning for you and you continue to learn about yourself. Go well my friend.

[jen3]

Love it IDI! Miss chatting with you but I do not come here very often. Like you, I am doing what works for me. 🙂 Always in my thoughts and prayers.

[i-did-it]

Thank you everyone for your replies .
Steev, when an urge starts you use distraction methods – so something to take your mind off it – this will be different for everyone – many people favour exercise , someone mentioned they go work on their upcycling project and someone else has a jar of distractions which so everything from hoovering to taking a long bath .
I have never allowed an urge to run its course I think!
When I’m stopped my urges tend to be fleeting – when I choose to gamble my urges continue .

Nick , Steev and Jen – it so nice to hear from you all !

[i-did-it]

A lapse is nothing more than a choice I have made to carry out an unhealthy behaviour .
Analysing it and torturing myself about it doesn’t change it – it simply reinforces the brain pathway which urged me to do it .
Why should I beat myself up – that is what I chose at the time .

I can change my thinking , I can build new brain pathways which will stop me going to the old automatic behaviours . I do this by substituting an urge for an unhealthy behaviour with a new behaviour . Soon that new healthy behaviour becomes my automatic response to stresses in life.

Negative self talk serves absolutely no purpose in my life . Looking back and going over unhappy times does not move me forward .
Making healthy and positive choices moves me forward in life .

[i-did-it]

Delayed gratification.

My brain wants instant gratification.
It wants chocolate, gambling, to lie on sofa and watch tv.
By being aware of this habit I have given my brain I can be more mindful of when my brain seeks instant gratification
With practice Waiting for reward will become the norm.

I am not weak – I have a laid down pathways in my brain for instant gratification.
I am not weak – I need to work on developing new neural pathways .

[i-did-it]

I feel so low today.
Could be withdrawal – could be a host of other issues.
So I am following my new learning and instead of dwelling on my mood and wallowing in the misery I am going to go do something to lift my spirits .

Nothing huge – I am going out for ice cream! Ice cream is fun and it is kinda impossible to sit in an ice cream parlour with a big silly ice cream in front of you and feel low. It also promotes a little family time .
Life can drag us down and we can wallow in it or try to find things to replace our old escape (drug of choice).

I feel low – I have the resources within myself to lift my mood .
I am learning !

[lizbeth4]

I think we can change our thinking! Sorry that you are feeling low. Going for ice cream sounds great! I hope you feel better soon! Life is difficult sometimes. But we have the power to rise above it!

[i-did-it]

Thank you Lizbeth and Running Girl- you may remember me as Sad or Brave – I have changed my name several times as my journey has changed.
I am being quite selfish at the moment and writing mostly on my own thread. This contrasts with how I used to be on this forum . I wrote on just about everybody’s thread and often got few replies on my own thread – it contributed to my feeling of being unvalued – so just for now it’s me me me !

Today’s learning is brilliant – I have often hear about playing the tape to the end – what will happen if you gamble? how will you feel when you have lost your money? record this on your thread so you can look back and remember .

Nobody ever told me that this was just the B side of the tape .

The A side goes like “ how will you feel when you get to the end of the tape and you have cleared the kitchen?, How will you feel when you get to the end of the tape and you have taken that 20 minute walk? How will you feel when you have completed that hour of work you took home?”

How motivating is that ? I am learning that recovery doesn’t have to be all about self criticism, being criticised by others ( sorry some like to call it challenging lol) , self hatred etc .

Yes there will be low times when we are at a loss to fill the gap that gambling abstinence has created but we can play the A side of the tape ! We can choose an activity we enjoy or don’t enjoy , play the tape to end and know that we will feel better once we have completed it.

I am learning!

[i-did-it]

thank you RG.

Today I learned that a great new world has opened up to me – a world with few limitations.
If I can dream It i can do it .

I am excited about my new future – I am excited about all the new things that are coming into my life .
I have so much to look forward to.

In the past I only ever thought about gambling or not gambling. Now I’m thinking where will I go what will I do ?
Sure it will take a little time but it’s all ahead of me.

The world is my oyster!

[i-did-it]

For the first time ever I have a thread which I want to read back over .
Each time I post I feel really motivated.
When I read back over my thread I recapture that motivation.

Motivation is what drives me forward , not reliving past losses.
I definitely respond better to the carrot than the stick.

Life is good xx

[Steev]

Hi Idi … you said; “In the past I only ever thought about gambling or not gambling. Now I’m thinking where will I go what will I do ?”

I think you have summed up what I have been banging on about for ages. To just stop gambling is not enough, it has to be replaced with something – otherwise what do you have? Just a void where the “pleasurable joys” of gambling used to sit.

The problem is, when I ask gamblers what they want to replace gambling with – they are often at a loss. What would you do if you had that big win and no longer “needed” to gamble? Eh? I would just gamble more … I guess.

Have you noticed on game shows whenever people are asked “if you win what would you do with the money?” the number who say “take a trip to Vegas.”

The truth is that gambling has to be replaced with something. If it isn’t then “boredom” will set in and that (for me at least) is a trigger to recommence gambling. Or we simply replace gambling with another activity that compensates for us not having the bottle to go for our dream. Drinking, binge-watching TV, drugs etc. fine for a while – but is that how we wanted to use up our limited resources … time and the good health we (mostly) currently have to enjoy it.

It is really only by really looking at how I want to spend the rest of my days and then going for it, that I feel I have made my peace with gambling. As you know, for me it has been travelling and yet there were so many internal obstacles in my way. Here’s just a few: “I can’t afford it.” “People like me don’t do that sort of thing.” “What if I’m mugged/kidnapped/assaulted/ robbed? “My mother wouldn’t have approved!” And here’s the biggy “I don’t deserve it!”

In truth – it is that last one that has brought me here. I did a deal with my “I’m not worth it” voice to say … if I go travelling I will do something worthwhile whilst I am on the go – I will help other past gamblers to stop gambling and REALISE THEIR DREAMS.

Because as you have said – just stopping gambling is not enough. “No gambling” is a negative and we need positives in our lives. As I said on another thread if we do away with the label of “problem gambler” what label do we then give ourselves. “World traveller” still doesn’t feel very comfortable to me and a bit pretentious when, so far, I have only made it to the Irish Republic … but at some point even I will have to see it as real.

So enough about me. What about your dreams Idi? I don’t know what new label you might put on. Did you have a passion before you took up gambling which you could now go back to? Are you (as I still am) really interested in knowing more about the addictive brain and how different sorts of therapies help – could you go on training courses, retreats (to lovely parts of the country / world) try out the delights of Gestalt, T.A., Dramatherapy, Co-counseling, NLP? Is your passion more in being creative – or with caring for children or animals – or getting political, and / or saving the environment. Is one of the reasons (amongst many) that we gamble that it focuses the mind on the spinning reels or turning cards so that we don’t have to look at all the bewildering choices that the world throws up at us.

I hope that you can pin down your passion and live it. Before long you will identify with that label and not the label of gambler or even “recovering gambler.” Here’s to a positive future for all of us on here.

[Meghna83]

Your words have such clarity steev and I especially liked your explanation of “… but is that how we wanted to use up our limited resources … time and the good health we (mostly) currently have to enjoy it.” That stood out to me about how I feel about myself.

I began my own travels in 2012 and that stopped in 2016. Lived in france and moved around  then Switzerland. I fell in love with France. The language, drama, culture And men !!! 

I learnt so much about myself and the world beyond the U.K. I’m 35 now and wish I could still be on that road. Everything was a new discovery and taken by me as it was, without judgement.

I wish I could keep the French alive in me. So today I’m watching everything in French, YouTube clips and films.

i love languages always have 

 used to have so many dreams of making my place somewhere out there. Buy a house in France and travel more in Italy. Also a beautiful culture and country. 

Today i am going to plan a trip to Italy and speak more French 

thank you steev 

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev ,
I have often wondered where “influencers”, “bloggers”, tv personalities etc get their confidence, their self belief that they are important and that people want to hear what they have to say.
I often wonder what it is like to have that kind of inner confidence? Maybe they are all just faking it or maybe each success has reinforced that they are worthy.

“Steev the travel blogger “- that sounds so great – and that is you right now ( I’m not sure if you have started your blog but you are certainly collecting material for it ).

Do we need a label ? Yes I think I we do – I think a label, job title etc gives us a sense of purpose – it defines who we are, where we are going and what we have achieved.
Of course that label can change as we journey though life, but whatever label we assign to ourselves should add value to our perception of who we are !
I am without a defining label right now and it feels like I don’t know where I am going . I am drifting, hopefully towards something positive .

Steev you asked me about my passions – I am one of those people who can turn my hand to almost anything but never achieved mastery in anything . I guess I have never found anything I was passionate enough about (gambling ? Drinking?) to devote the time required.
I can bake , sew, build a wall, garden, play an instrument, decorate , have two masters level degrees in different areas, hold a good job… I love all these things .

Maybe I don’t have a single passion.

[Steev]

You are right of course – we are complex people who will have more than one passion.

I liked the “two masters level degrees in different areas.” I’ve two ordinary degrees in different areas – mainly because I couldn’t decide what I wanted to study from all the options.

I could have said my passion was walking or music or literature (I was a book seller for many years) or antiques / collectables.

I guess I felt the label was important. I once read a short story by (I think) Tolstoy about a young man who inherits an estate with servants etc. He is also a part-time soldier, a role he really enjoys. As he gets into all the work of keeping the place in order, he decides he is too busy to continue soldiering – so quits. Over a period of time, he gets more and more depressed, drinking, gambling etc and lets the estate go to rack and ruin. The servants don’t respect him and run off with the silver etc.
Then one day in the depths of despair – he goes to the closet and pulls out his uniform, puts it on and looks in the mirror.
He then sees himself as the soldier, in command, he stands up straight and can boss people around. So every morning he puts on his uniform first thing and then he is set up for the day.

Fiction, I know, but I do think there is something in there about “what my identity is” and I think if I identify with being a gambler or even the more positive “recovering gambler,” it is not enough. Because, especially in the middle stage of recovery, gamblers need to make a complete break.

As you know I have worked as a counsellor, but in my early and middle period of recovery I avoided working with problem gamblers because I could feel myself being pulled into their stories and it wasn’t healthy for me. Only now – as I identify as something else – do I feel detatched enough to cope.

So in your case, you have lots to choose from. Baker, brickie, gardener etc. Maybe educator as you have taught me something today! I’m glad that SMART is working so well for you. Speak soon.

[Monica1]

Thank u for your post on my thread. I also haven’t been here much either except for reading daily People’s threads and occasionally posting. I would like to do celebrate recovery but I couldn’t get round their website. Considering that I will be two years clean in August (can you believe that?). I miss our chats but find group in week too late. Went to do 10pm last night and it was, of course, at 11. Too late in work week.
Because of severe gut issues I am on a raw food diet, raw juices, soups, pro biotics , NAC which is evidenced to destroy the biofilm of h pylori and mastic gum which also destroys h pylori. Porridge with manuka. Low fat, no sugar or dairy. It is working for me. I eat small. Today I had a vegan Caesar salad from m and s, for example. Radical change for me but it’s working!
Finding ones passions, I think your vocation is one for u as is work for me really. Like running girl I am an avid reader and lifelong student. I am passionate about recovery and getting well.
I hope we chat soon. X

[i-did-it]

Thanks Monica
Yes the open groups are too late for those of us trying to build good habits into our recovery.

Today I have learned that people who are all about drama will only fill your head space if you let them.
We can practice flipping negative thoughts right out of our heads – and it works!

When we have all that extra headspace we feel so much better.
I think I like minimalism in my brain as well as my home!

Thats about it !

[i-did-it]

This morning I found a fabulous youtube channel on interior design. I could watch interior design shows forever and even as a child I loved them.

I started to plan what I could do with my own house .
This was followed by thoughts of what I could have done .
This was followed by thoughts of how long it will take me to save ..
And of course this was followed by the the “fantasy” – the big win!

It seems all plans lead to same conclusion – I need a win!

However I have been doing a little painting and seeing a few results so I’m quite pleased with that. My patience is being tested as usually I cannot wait for the paint to dry before I remove the masking tape and then I make a mess !

I am learning patience I guess !

[i-did-it]

Today I have had a realisation.
My whole life for the past decade has revolved around gambling or not gambling.
What if I just stopped thinking about stopping -could that help me stop thinking about starting.
How can I ever escape urges when my whole life is about gambling or not ?

[Steev]

You wrote, “How can I ever escape urges when my whole life is about gambling or not ?” I haven’t worked on the SMART website – but I know enough about CBT to suggest that your thinking that your “whole life” is about gambling is faulty (to use the CBT term.) This is just giving gambling an importance that it doesn’t deserve.

There are lots of other aspects of your life – more to yours than mine I think. So what about the interior design – to take one area. I know you managed to move from there to gambling thoughts – but that is the gambling brain working again.

I was obsessed about being in debt and was always trying to find ways of using my time constructively without spending any money. Not that easy. But if Interior Design was my thing – I might be looking for free courses, seeing if I could buy cheap books on Ebay and sell them at a profit, start a free blog on the subject. Find out where great examples of design were local to me and find a way to get there at low cost.

Right now I have found a great way of stopping gambling – of stopping most things. Get food poisoning so that you can’t do anything for more that a few minutes before you have to visit the bathroom. I have to go …

[i-did-it]

Hi Steev, you are right of course – I guess my post was just a reflection of where the last decade had gone – and where my mind was yesterday. Im glad you pointed that out though because you are right – the true issue was not about my whole life – it was about not having the amount of money I want (not need) to have right now !

Despite the negative post I managed to decorate a room at the weekend – well finish one off . Now it is complete I absolutely dislike one of the colours – instead of following my own taste I allowed myself to be swayed by “fashion” and trends .

This has actually been very good for me because I have always had a fear of “getting it wrong” with decorating so I put it off – today I realise it is no big deal to paint over it .

So goodbye grey hello aqua !
I guess there is a life lesson here – at any time in life we can stop what we are doing, take stock and start again.
Mistakes can be rectified and mistakes don’t define us.
We learn, grow and improve from our mistakes .

[Berta24449787]

Steev is right. There are so many peripheral things that you can do with decorating that your mind wont have a chance to engage in”the chase ” . Are you handy? Take one room at a time and look at upgrades as well as decorating and then find out how to do it yourself. Try your hand at do it yourselfing some repairs. I love to research and find out how to fix something myself. Not only does it save you money (lots if you don’t hire a professional) but it engages you and makes you feel competent- able to do anything. It also takes up time. The enemy when you used to use your free time to gamble. I hope the next round of painting results in a room color that you love!

[Meghna83]

Thanks for that reminder about past mistakes. I needed to hear that today

meg 

[i-did-it]

thank you Meghna , Berta and RG for your posts .it is nice to connect in chat .

Berta your advice is so good – I Think I will treat myself to some power tools !

Steev, I think your idea to look up free interior design courses is inspired – I am going to do that right now .

What is good is that instead of watching programmes on how to do your home – I am actually doing it !

I kinda feel u all “get “ me ! I would rather fit a kitchen than wash a single dish in that kitchen !!

Thanks for your support everyone – I am doing better than I remember feeling in years . Xx

[i-did-it]

Yeah my first ever sporting achievement !
I won MAY !!
Gonna buy myself a medal !!!

[finding_laura]

awesome response and reasoning!!

[finding_laura]

enjoying reading your thread! Love the tips and way of thinking you are sharing. When we are shown an alternative way of thinking it offers more possibilities.

xo Laura

[vera]

Thanks for posting to my thread, IDI.
I’m in a stupor.
Numb from the neck up!
Self destruction takes it’s toll.
God forgive me!!

[i-did-it]

God forgives us everything Vera , just much harder to forgive ourselves. Things will get better .

In desperation I went to SMART last month and it seems to help. Have I gambled since starting there ? Yes I have but my thinking has changed somewhat and I am making healthier choices about my behaviours.

A new behaviour for example is on payday I put a few hundred in my son’s account. I feel it is better going towards his college fund and it leaves me without spare cash!

Yesterday I had a hangover (party one) and it was only my barriers that stopped me from gambling.

So I have now learned that while I don’t really feel tempted to gamble when I am drinking , I do not make healthy behavioural choices when I have a hangover. Barriers will probably always be part of my life.

A casino owes me £100. It would come in so handy right now.
I have to send in proof of ID etc but it seems impossible to self exclude from this casino or to even set limits . I have decided to gift them the £100 as I can no longer play there without sending in the required documentation.
It will be the cheapest £100 I ever got from a casino as cash-backs usually cost me a fortune .

Anyone else think like this ? “I didn’t win because the slots knew it was a cash back but the next deposit will be my own money so I am sure to win on it”.

And so the chase begins …

What has been hugely helpful for me is getting past the idea that I am an addict – it somehow makes me powerless to stop. It makes me a victim. It makes it kinda ok to have slips.

I now realise that when I gamble it’s a behaviour I choose to indulge in. I choose to put money which could be going to my family into some fatcat’s pocket. I choose to leave myself without. It is my choice so I must live with the results of that choice. In a strange way it has stopped me beating myself up about it because I know it is also my choice to change my behaviours .

Progress not perfection… I feel happy !

[Steev]

Hi Idi – I’m glad that you are happy!  I think your post raises the interesting point about having the gambling problem – is all out abstinence the way to go, or can we gamble in a more controlled way?

I know when I was in GA – ANY form of gambling was frowned upon because (perhaps rightly) it was felt that a win would mean more ammunition for our addiction.  But when people ask me when the last time I gambled was I always hesitate.  I try and make it clear that I have not gambled ON SLOTS – COMPULSIVELY for around 20 years.  So unpacking the latter first, compulsively – because I have had the odd relapse or “slip” (the last being around 8 years ago) but they were one-offs, usually linked to me seeing if I still had the problem.  On slots, because some time after feeling I was on top of my gambling addicition I went back to playing the lottery on occasions ( and when I won it didn’t send me to the slot machines), I would do scratch cards if I recieved them as presents (I have never bought one) and the occasional charity raffle.  Does doing a charity tombola at a fete mean I am gambling – if so I hold my hand up to that too.

So I think it was important for me to know that I was addicted to slots – but other forms of gambling I could do without the endless cycle of buying more to chase losses etc – even buying more to get the buzz.  BUT I went through an experience last year that made me decide to cut out all gambling.  It wasn’t gambling per se – but it was an experience that could have meant me winning a large sum of money.  It didn’t happen, but the feelings it generated of wanting it and then feeling guilty about it all, made me realise that I am not comfortable with any form of gambling – even any form of competition.  So I have gone on to be a purist!  But it is my decision based on what I feel comfortable with and not responding to anyone else’s judgement or opinions.

So carry on being happy – enjoy a life without compulsive gambling and if you can find what works for you – go to it.

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev.
In all honesty I just find it too hard to give up all gambling – eventually it feels like my head will explode, I have a huge blow out and I’m worse off than before I started. I am, however, more in control of lottery or anything that is not a slot machine . I wish I didn’t feel so drawn to gambling. I wish I could just decide never to gamble again. However this is who I am , and abstinence has never worked for me !

I went shopping yesterday (to a cheap shop) and bought new clothes – I pushed the boat out and got cheap jewellery to go with each outfit ! I feel so nice in my new clothes .

What did I learn?
I learnt that when I get new clothes it has a knock on effect on my whole life! I feel happy when I wear them!
I can dump old tatty clothes which means less clutter in my home which also lifts my spirits .
I feel hope that the “days of want” are over.
I feel hope that there will be lots of nice things coming into my life – nice things and good times !
I can look forward to meeting up with friends and family and not think I have nothing to wear !
I take more of an interest in my health and fitness .
I feel more self pride.
Perhaps you cannot judge a book by the cover , but a good cover certainly helps a book to belong on any bookshelf!

[charles]

IDI you have a thread somewhere about the last decade.

If “….abstinence has never worked for you” Then I have to ask – has continued gambling ever worked for you?

I used to think it was who I was as well – I was a gambler, I gambled, that’s what gamblers do. It doesn’t have to be like that though.

[i-did-it]

CHarles .
All I know is that when I try to stop completely the urges become overwhelming and I cannot sustain it .

When I allow myself a lottery and and again I can stay gamble free for quite a while .

That’s just it – I am not you and you are not me ! (No offence intended ).
We are all on our own journey And I have to do what works best for me.

Progress not perfection !

[i-did-it]

Something has changed for me – I wish I could bottle it , describe it or even hold it .

I am really happy.

I gambled a week ago, and I lost more than I should have , but I also chose to stop.

I think maybe now that I am owning my behavioural choices rather than blaming an addiction, a demon or other external force,I no longer feel like a victim in the world .

My life no longer feels outside my control. Today I can chose to gamble or not , and today I will also have to live with that choice.

I have also somehow deepened so many friendships – I have had money to go for a drink or a coffee! I have also been available mentally and physically .

I have started on the no longer dreaded house – and as I sit on my “new to me“ couch I think of Laura somewhere in the world who has inspired so much.

Life is so nice right now – simple but nice – I am happy !

[i-did-it]

Today I realise finally that I am crazy.

What definition do I base my diagnosis on?

“Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result”.

I have been gambling for a decade and yet somehow I convince myself that the result will be different next time .

I find myself back in the same old situation – waking up and my first thoughts are of money or lack of it .

I find myself going back yet again to the only place I can get a loan due to my appalling credit rating , and asking for enough to survive – it is humiliating but necessary .

It’s humiliating because it Is a work based scheme and the people who run it must whisper ! Beggars can’t be choosers I guess.

A decade ago I could have anything I wanted – now I scrape by with constant worry and stress .

What has changed for me since my recent posts? I guess I have stopped using support .

I have ignored advice .

But mostly somehow I am sure that one more deposit will win me my money back.

I feel sickened -i notice a pattern to my posts -payday and for a week I am so happy – then it kinda always falls flat as I gamble on some rubbish site that is probably completely illegal and won’t pay pay out even if I do win back and even if I managed to cash out .

I have had too many years of this .

[charles]

Then I guess the quesion is – what can you put in place before next payday?

[i-did-it]

I have always lived above my means .
My first paycheque ran out before the end of the month ( I needed clothes , makeup and I wanted nice brands ).

My first loan came soon after my first paycheque – it was nice to have a little money in the bank. I didn’t really need t , I just wanted it . I liked that I could wake up on Saturday and maybe be in another country by Saturday night if I felt like it .

I have been working for 26 years and never once have I been out of debt . Sometimes I have taken a big loan, paid off the little ones , and then by the time the £30,000 was paid off I would have had a lot of new little ones .

I guess that’s why when I first started to gamble online , I was completely sucked in by a big win that would pay everything. I was overjoyed – but of course I couldn’t resist going back to make more … and that was the start of the crazy gambling.

I now find myself, possibly for the first time ever, in a situation where I have no where to go for money. I am forced to start taking things seriously. I can’t stop obsessing about money . Deep down I know this might be a good thing as I need to get my finances sorted.
The big win no longer seems like a reality – I am self banned from so many sites that I can only go onto rubbish ones which most likely wouldn’t pay out any win , never mind a big win.

I always thought I fell into the “women gamble for different reasons” category but reading this it looks like I fall into the “bigshot “ category after all.

It’s amazing how I could only wear Clarins and Lancôme makeup in the past and now any on-sale supermarket brand works just as well!
It’s equally amazing how ten years ago (pre- crazy gambling ) the only sofas I liked were Italian leather and a fortune , and recently I was able to find a perfectly gorgeous sofa on gumtree for a twentieth of the price !

I can’t turn the clock back – but I can change my future .

[Steev]

I too was a teacher (amongst other jobs) for many years and yet I was always in debt.

For me it started with the gambling – but then even when I stopped the repayments didn’t seem to go down and other things (life) happened … But people don’t get it do they? We hear about how bad gambling is – in that it causes depression and suicide and possible prison sentences – but that day to day grinding down by debt and money worries doesn’t seem to get mentioned.

Yeah the trying to make a tin of baked beans last 3 days – or continually checking the “near to sell-by date” at the supermarket for something really cheap. Not going out to a restaurant for lunch, or even a cheap cafe, or even a bought sandwich – but buying cheap bread and the cheapest meat or cheese and putting it together … for a meal out. And all the time, others look on and think that because I have a “professional” job (and in my case 2 or 3) that I should be rolling in it.

You wrote: “The big win no longer seems like a reality …” It isn’t a reality – it won’t happen and while-ever we think it is a possibility there is that danger of chasing it and losing even more.

Get good debt advice. In the UK there is a website called moneysavingexpert .com which has a forum called debt-free wannabees which is mainly self-help and support but does have some vetted debt advisors posting. I should think being in ROI would not restrict your registration. I wish I had used it more. There is probably a lot more I could say – but I will leave it there … hopefully catch up soon.

[kathryn]

I have never been a ‘brand’ person.
BUT
I have always liked to buy what I want/need (probably more want…lol)
10 years of not gambling (for the most part) and ive been thinking about that. So our finances are pretty shite at the moment, Dames work is up and down…..BUT…..
What do I actually NEED?
I have clothes, I have food, bills are paid, we go away for little camping trips (cheap but fun!)
Id love a few new jumpers, I have 2 at the moment. But I have a lovely coat that goes over anything….
Reality……I don’t need much.
I need enough. That’s all.
Your post has opened my eyes to that. 10 friggen years!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Whos the crazy one now?????
Love K xxxxxxxxx

[i-did-it]

Thank you Steev and Kathryn for your thought provoking replies.
It’s years since I thought about clearing debts so Steev thank you for helping me refocus. I think it would be so good to have a debt reduction forum on here – it would be a new focus and while gambling related, it would be so much motivating than giving up something most of us really enjoy (as faulty as that sounds).
Kathryn it’s many years since brands were a thing for me ! Lol . You are doing really well and once you can pay your way you are doing great. Good and bad times will come but life is so much better without the stress of gambling losses.

I am being incredibly frugal ( it’s not much fun) but it has to be done. It feels kinda like when I was young and a bar of chocolate was a treat rather than something you could have anytime you wanted . Not much else to say .

[i-did-it]

I am getting by – it’s amazing how little you can live on.
Not feeling great – maybe too much sun, maybe stress or maybe time for my ten year doctor’s visit .

That’s about all .

[i-did-it]

Having such a lovely weekend – took my mum for a meal yesterday (ouch financially ) and spent time with extended family. I spent the weekend with her and we didn’t visit a casino. That’s progress.
I am realising the things I have missed out on due to gambling – I sometimes think it is just my home and my appearance which has taken a hit but I realise I have missed out on all those connections to aunts, uncles and cousins which are part so much part of who I am . We share the same DNA- we get each other in a way friends never could – we share stories, habits and mannerisms which have passed down through centuries . We can joke about our family in a way that would be offensive if others did !

Money doesn’t matter until you don’t have it – then It cuts you off from so many of the things that enrich your life- which give you a sense of connectedness- which allow you to understand that you have a part to play and that part is valued my others .

Life feels good today despite the financial challenges I will face over the next few weeks .

[Author]

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