18 April 2013 at 6:41 pm #1925nomore 56Participant
April 18 is always one of those days where intense flashbacks haunt me. A day of sadness and anger and today more so than usual. 10 years ago today my hb was sentenced to a year and a day in prison for embezzling $83 k at his job. Since he worked for the federal government this was rated as a felony and required a minimum sentence. Which is what he got despite the fact that he turned himself in and plead guilty on all charges. I can still remember every detail of that horrible day even though the weeks that followed are just a blur because I was in total shock. I have tried to fight it very hard with everything I could think of but it is all as fresh today as it was back then. Today, I am thinking also of what I have learned during the last 10 years. First about the addiction and later about myself, about who I am, about my reactions and decisions I made after sentencing day. I remember sitting in my GamAnon group and listening to a lady who’s hb had replaced one addiction for another and another with gambling being the current one. I was wondering why on earth she was still with him and put her 4 children through years of desperation and trauma. When I came to this site and read the heartbreaking stories from f&fs all over the world, so similar to my own and yet so different, it dawned on me that the one thing that sets me apart are my emotions or the lack of maybe? Most people here, almost all of them women I noticed, say that they love their hb/bf/partner and want to save the relationship. And here is where my latest revelation comes in. I am not capable of unconditional love. With the one exception being my daughter. When my hb was taken away in court I decided immediately that my marriage was over. I did not want to be married to a criminal. It compromised my values and morales and everything I believed in so fiercely, addiction or not. I was stunned to find out that my hb actually thought he could come back into our lives after release from prison. I didn’t get it really. My ability and willingness to forgive is limited. There are things I can truly forgive and move on but not what he had done. Not the extend to how he hurt my daughter and me. All of a sudden it started to make sense to me. I tried all my life to be like everybody else, to act and feel like I thought is normal, whatever that means. As a result, I always felt like the odd one out, like something is wrong with me. The postings and replies from all of you out there helped me to understand that I’m just who I am, no need to beat myself up. This is how I am wired and trying to change that only increased my desperation. I think I just need to accept it. I am not even sure that I really know what it feels like to love someone. I think I love with my brain, if that makes sense? Consequently whatever feeling I have is turned off by certain actions and behaviors of others. To me, this gives me a sense of freedom. I don’t have to try and pretend anymore. Chasing the dragon so to speak has become unnecessary. For this I am grateful, and it makes me understand why my anger and frustration will not subside. I am hard on myself and on others as well. I am too rational to really emphasize with my hb other than in an intellectual way. Like one of my former co-workers back home once said: “Love is a pasta dish to wear around your neck”. We are still quoting her and have a good laugh when we meet on my vacation. 🙂13 May 2013 at 12:58 am #1926AnonymousGuest
This post is a little old, but I hope you read this response.
I got the impression that you see yourself as emotionless or that there is something is wrong with you. I could be wrong in what I read. But what I read is someone one who is taking care of herself and her child. I am not a professional but I do not see a disease or a label that ***** to be applied to you.
From my own experience I feel very numb in some areas of my life. I hope that is only temporary. I think (hope) it is a self-preservation **** that I am in. I am so tired of being taken forgranted and abused that I have shut off my emotions to my husband, with the exception of anger. I have found I am very angry. I hope he loves me but I do not ***** on that anymore. I ***** on myself.
Like you said in your post my husband protects his family (mother, sisters, father) from the effects of this disease but constantly puts me and the kids, mostly me, in the direct line of fire. I do not understand. Probably never will.
I hope you had a happy mother’s day and enjoyed time with your daughter! Try to look to the positive…13 May 2013 at 6:08 pm #1927nomore 56Participant
Hi BB, thanks for your reply! No, I don’t need a label of any kind, that is true. I am looking for an explanation of things that date back since I can remember. I agree with you, there is nothing wrong with me as in really wrong. I am just different in some ways and always have been. That did not start with my hb or his gambling. I always had problems with empathy. I understand everything very well intellectually but cannot follow emotionally. Hard to explain. I always pictured it as the connection between my brain and my emotions being cut off, like a severed spinal cord. When I’m being told over and over again that I need therapy, I want to know first if there is an underlying issue. I cannot put a band aid on a broken leg, if you know what I mean. I always knew that my hb loved me, even though his actions said otherwise. But I was done. Even more so because I don’t really know what love means in a relationship. There is a lot of literature about the family dynamics in re to addiction. You might want to check that out to better understand why you have to take a back seat to your in-laws. Very interesting. My mother’s day was very nice and very bad at the same time, sigh…My daughter and her bf came for a suprise visit, my hb came over and they all took me out for my favorite sushi lunch. I really enjoyed it. Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of my car being taken away when I was at work, the usual flashbacks every year. In addition I got an email from my bf in Germany telling me that she cancelled her plans for their visit here in August. Some really bad accusations, aggressive, you call it. Out of the blue, without warning. I’m still wrecking my brain trying to figure it all out. My impulsivity probably got the best of me again? Don’t know yet. I hope your day was nice and peaceful, it is what we make it in this situation I guess. 🙂
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