9 February 2019 at 1:33 am #6624Sunflower01Participant
my boyfriend and his family sat and had a very serious conversation about how he must seek help and therapy. He agreed but we could see he still felt defeated and were not totally convinced he was going to make the right choice. For the past 3 days his has been on a binge and has not even been home. We don’t know where he is getting the money or what kind of state of mind he is in. He has been contacting me saying he is so sorry and he knows this is sick and nothing about it is right, but that something is telling him he just has to try to make the situation he’s in right. I responded by telling him whether he wins or loses, if he’s gambling nothing will be right. He keeps reaching out and promising this is the last day and he vowes to get help when this is over. I of course don’t know what to think.
If he does not choose to get help I do believe that i plan to leave him, my fear is if I leave him he may be homeless. I am not sure if his mom is willing to allow him to move in with her and I know he has no finances. How do you kick someone out that you love and leave them homeless? What do i do?11 February 2019 at 1:03 pm #6625duncParticipant
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team13 February 2019 at 1:43 pm #6626velvetModerator
Your boyfriend is not listening because it doesn’t suit him to do so – he Is saying that ‘something’ is telling him he has to put the situation right but those are meaningless words to keep you on side. Is only actions, not words, that will ever put things right.
In my opinion, when he says he is sorry, he is being sorry for himself – sorry that his addiction is letting him down, sorry that his behaviour is being recognised but sadly he is almost definitely not sorry for those who love him and who are worrying about him.
You are afraid for your boyfriend’s future but he is not struggling with your fear. You are afraid of him being homeless but that thought doesn’t worry him, you are worrying about his mom and what she will do but he is not concerned about her. All the worrying is on your shoulders. Therefore, I am sorry that your final question provokes an answer from me that you will find difficult to swallow and that is that kicking the person you love out is sometimes the only way forward. I am not suggesting that you do kick your boyfriend out, that choice will always be yours but until he seeks real support it is important to know that nothing will change. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves where we would like to be in 5 years or even 5 months, the answer can be quite thought provoking.
It is so important that you look after yourself and not let your boyfriend’s addiction control and ruin your life – he is making his choice. Your boyfriend is offering meaningless promises that this will be the last day and adds the empty vow to get help when ‘this’ is over. The nature of his addiction means that he will always lose so ‘this’ will never be over while he is gambling.
It is not for you to worry about what his mom will do, like you she will have to make her own choice – if she would like support, she will be very welcome here.
It isn’t easy loving a CG Sunflower. I also know that seeking support and determining to live gamble-free is one of the hardest things a compulsive gambler will ever do but I would not be here writing to you if I didn’t know that it can be done. Your boyfriend can commit to change but you cannot make it happen – you can only direct him – threats and ultimatums are a waste of breath to a gambler who doesn’t want to listen.
Please keep posting, I know how lonely it can be in your situation and I believe that sharing helps.
Velvet13 February 2019 at 1:51 pm #6627velvetModerator
Sorry I should have added in my previous post that it is better to stick to one thread. It means your replies don’t get lost and a continuing thread is often an excellent journal.
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