Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Totally confused as to what to do….

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  • #4369
    JLK2015
    Participant

    Hello, I am new here and not even sure what Im doing here! I have been dating a very nice guy for 7 months now, so its still very new. We have hit it off so well and he is an amazing person, with what I believe to be, a consuming addiction. I thought I would come here and get some advice, because my girlfriends dont understand and are telling me to run in the opposite direction.
    We met 7 months ago and this were great. The typical dating scene, lots of movies and dinner and conversations. He is super sweet, very generous and made time for me.
    Back story, he lives in a a different town about an hour and a half away, and stays in my town all week with work. He owns his own, very nice, car but uses the company truck to get around during the week. So, in the beginning, he only had the company truck which he cannot use to drive to casinos and such…only around town and for work.
    This summer, he chose to move his car here, so he could have access to it all the time. Thats when I noticed a problem!
    Once the car was here, he has been to the casinos constantly. There were 3 weeks in a row he went EVERYDAY! He was winning like crazy…got to the million dollar mark in his account. He was looking for a house to buy, etc… He even bought a stranger a new truck! (After he paid off his car!) He was in heaven!
    Now, he doesnt have any debt…that I know of! He is single, with kids he pays support for, but does not own his own house or anything. He does well for himself and is a smart guy..so I thought!
    He had mentioned to me that he likes to play poker..but he started playing high stakes blackjack. He was winning lots of money and fast! I immediately got worried…and was concerned. I noticed a change in him for sure…He is not as open to hanging out, he was spending his free time in the casinos..he works nights, so he would work all night and then gamble all day. When I do see him he is so tired and sleeps. My feelings are just crushed. I am competing with a casino.
    So, a few weekends ago, we went together, and I watched him lose $50,000 in front of my face and it was then that I really started thinking he has a problem. He is different, he is distant and he is tired all the time.
    So, I mention this to him and he says he knows what he is doing and he isnt letting the casino get any of his winnings back. I believed him….I know how much he has worked for his money (not the gambling money…but his salary and such…) so I thought he would just stop, buy a house and move along with his life. NOT.
    He has continued to gamble and after acting so distant and different, he finally admitted to me that he had lost $800.000 of his winnings and he was super upset about it.
    I was shocked. I just didnt know what to say to him.
    We started to argue a little about my insecurities (which stem from him buying a woman a truck and also from his lack of commited time to me now) and he wants to blame the insecurites on our arguing….not gambling.
    He is more secretive now as well, because not that I know what he does, he doesnt tell me when he goes.
    The good news is that we are just dating and we have nothing tied together at all. The bad news is that I fell for him and he is such a good guy that I am so very worried about him.
    I want to believe that its the gambling that is changing him…not that he doesnt care for me…but Im beginning to wonder. The first few months together were awesome and those were the months he wasnt gambling.
    I saw him this weekend and he was wearing a shirt from the casino and I made a comment about the casino being my competition…and he said not anymore…he isnt going back and cannot be doing that anymore. Last week he did stay out of casinos all week…but I know its just short lived because of what he lost.
    Im so worried about him and he doesnt think he has a problem. He says he will be fine if he stays away from high stakes blackjack and stick to poker!!!
    So….here I am…confused, hurt, sad and worried about this guy. I can walk away….for sure. I will be sad and miss him, but will do it if I need to. I just dont want to.
    Will he get better? I know NOTHING about gambling addictions. Could this be the reason he seems to not be into me anymore? Is it normal for a break to be taken after a big loss and for them to go back and start over? Do I approach the subject again?
    I dont want to come across as the naggy new girlfriend but I genuinely care.
    I have even started to wonder if gambling has affected his previous relationships, although when I asked about him and his ex wife he said he never gambled because they had no money to do so.
    Please any advice would help. Should I just walk away now before I fall deeper and get even more hurt watching him?
    Thanks

    #4370
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    Hello JLK

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team


    PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

    privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    #4371
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi JLK
    You have come to the right place.
    Your post is brilliant and there is a lot in it but unfortunately I have just come home and it is late so I will not be able to reply in full to you tonight.
    I assure you that nobody here will tell you to run and equally they will not tell you to stay. On this forum you will get information about the addiction to gamble so that you can make your own informed decision.
    I understand everything that you have written and I think it is terrific that you have started this thread – the first post is always the hardest.
    I am going to bring up my thread entitled ‘The F&C Cycle’ which I hope will help you understand some of what is going on with your boyfriend. I will come back soon though and deal with the specifics you have listed.
    Well done writing this post, the first one is always the hardest. I hope it helps you to know that everything you have written is understood here.
    Velvet

    #4372
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi JLK
    It looks like I have returned to you thread first so I will try and cover more of your concerns.
    I cannot tell you if it is the gambling or his lack of feeling for you that has triggered this latest slip of his addiction but it is almost a certainty that you will have this conflict in your mind until your boyfriend faces his addiction and changes his life. It is impossible to know what is going on in the mind of someone who doesn’t want you to know and whose allies are secrecy and lies. I said ‘latest’ indulgence because it is unlikely that his behaviour is new – many CGs, who do not get support are binge gamblers who fall prey to their addiction after a break from gambling. Between the binges it is likely that he dry gambles – in other words gambles without money but because abstinence is not recovery he will fall again unless he seeks treatment.
    I fully appreciate that you care and unfortunately his addiction will welcome that care. However I would not be writing on here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and your boyfriend could have a wonderful life if he determines to change.
    Arguing about your insecurities is his addiction seeking to blame you and give an excuse for his behaviour – never forget that you are not to blame for his gambling.
    You ask if he can get better – I am sorry to say that your boyfriend will always be a compulsive gambler but he can learn to control his addiction and not gamble. Sadly ‘you’ cannot save him, only he can do that and he has to want to do it.
    The casino is competition for you but worrying and nagging will not change him. If you want to continue with your relationship, you can learn ways to cope on this site. There is no judgement on this forum because everybody makes mistakes but I suggest that you do not accompany him to a casino in future as it could be taken as active encouragement.
    Today I have an F&F group between 20.00 -21.00 hours UK time. You will be among those who understand and do not judge and you will be very welcome. Communicating in real time is great and you can rest assured that nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
    I have painted a bleak outlook because the addiction to gamble is a terrible one and it seriously impacts on lives and can destroy them, however, many members have passed through this forum and gone on to live good lives with their CG, myself included.
    I will wait to hear from you
    Velvet

    #4373
    Anonymous
    Guest

    It’s a complicative addiction. Understanding the addiction helps to cope but its sad to see how a love one is sucked in by an awful complusion. Theres tons of help here for both the gamblers and the love ones.but at the end of the day they have to take the desicion to get help.
    Its all up to them.
    No one can tell u what to do But you sound like a very smart lady am sure that you know what is best for you and for him And in no way does that make them a bad person there sick seriously just like any other addict you have to really under stand that.that they choose yes and the can recover if they choose to.you can always give him your support by;
    Give them the address to ga meetings
    Counselors that can help a cg
    Doctors are also a resource that can prescribe medication for there necessities but its all up to them.they choose to go and help themselves..

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