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  • #5032
    angsty
    Participant

    Hi,

    I feel such despair yet numbness I have been with my husband 10 years and his addiction continues to rule our lives.

    I could kind of handle the gambling addiction side if it hadn’t taken him years to admit he had a problem, if he hadn’t lied to my face constantly, shit on my trust etc.

    We have 2 small kids and I have had enough, as I want our family to be the priority. Overtime he gets caught out he gives me the spiel how he will change and get help, of which he has had a lot of. Unfortunately his mother lends him money and enables his behaviour lending him what seems infinite amounts of cash!

    He lies about other things but gambling too. I have resigned myself to been trapped and wrapped in the lies due to been a stay at home mum who doesn’t drive and lives in the back arse of nowhere! Our parents bought us a house so its complicated living arrangement.

    He generally is a good dad however gambling increase his mood swings and causes significant stress. I have heard every excuse in the book every reason going and I’m beyond fed up I sadly struggle with depression anyway but this definitely adds significant strain I am estranged from my most of my family and have little support I had found refugee within his family however his mum has become distant and won’t talk about it all mostly to protect him they are very close.

    I have so much resentment I have asked him to move out and he has first time every but I am not getting space he is smothering using the kids as a reason. I just so angry, torn, hurt the whole lot he says he is feeling better?? but i just seem to feel more angry.

    He has moved his wages into another account since the split leaving me without resources maybe to force me to continue the relationship I’m unsure. When I said about the mortgage he was talking about me paying him back but this man has sunk thousands of pounds of joint assets and inheritance on gambling.

    A friend asked me the question do you think he can change? and it just keeps resonating after 8 years no i actually don’t but I can’t separate our lives he still tries to hug me, kiss me etc and I feel so angry and mean but I don’t want to I just want my space i suppose i want to wallow in the hurt and sulk.

    I just keep wondering is it possible to recover from been a gambler?

    #5033
    velvet
    Moderator

    <

    HelloAngsty

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
    situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    #5034
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi Angsty
    I might have to end up calling you Angie because Angsty sounds so sad and I am sincerely hoping that when you have had time with us in the this forum and hopefully in the Tuesday group you will feel a lot better.
    It is your husband’s addiction that is causing you to feel trapped but you don’t own that addiction so I suggest you do not have to be controlled by it. Don’t ever feel you have to ‘resign’ to misery. I believe you are a very special person who has temporarily forgotten how to love herself due to years of an unhappy experience. Easy to say I know but there are many things you can do to help yourself and not everything will be learned in one post.
    I will answer your last question first because the answer to it is the reason that I am here writing to you at all. I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result – sometimes better lives because of the strength that comes from controlling the addiction.
    I am not surprised that you are resentful, angry, torn hurt and probably a whole lot more. It’s OK to feel such anger, your husband’s addiction is wrecking the good life you could be having but it is also wrecking the good life that he could be having because he doesn’t want and didn’t ask for his addiction anymore than you did. He would love to gamble responsibility but unfortunately he cannot and that is what he has not understood – yet.
    I don’t for a minute think you want to wallow in your hurt, I think you want to be happy and laugh without stress which makes cuddling the person who is denying you that pleasure something you would rather avoid. I would feel the same,
    Has your husband ever admitted or accepted he has a problem with his gambling, has he ever sought help for it?
    Do you have any friends at all to whom you can turn even if it is just to hold the hand of someone who cares?
    In cyber space I am holding out my hand to you and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so.
    I am bringing up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ for you so that you can see that all that you have experienced is recognised and you are not alone. I remember when I first found out that I was not alone I howled for weeks at every Gamanon meeting I attended – I didn’t know about this site at that time. Maybe you have a Gamanon group in your area and if so I suggest you would find it a great help – it is good just to sit and share with others even the silliest things because somebody in the room will almost definitely have had the same experience.
    Do I understand correctly that your husband has now moved out –and if so how are you communicating with him and is he with people who will be enabling him?
    I am going to leave my first post to you there but I wanted you to know that you have been heard and understood.
    Well done writing what must have been a very difficult post – I hope you felt better for putting your thoughts down.
    Speak soon
    Velvet

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