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    • #15034
      markf
      Participant

      After spending 7 months at Gordon House life has without doubt improved for me but it it still has its difficulties that I am finding hard to deal with.
      The strange thing is that gambling is not even close to the top of my list of difficulties at the moment. It is the life that i destroyed and now having to rebuild that I am finding hard. I know i am doing all the right things by staying in Dudley, not rushing home and trying to gain some stability and independance but even with all my new and amazing friends in Dudley, it still feels like a big and lonely world.
       I lost so much when I was gambling, in fact I lost everything except my famliy who have somehoww found the strength to stick by mwe and support me even thougg I have taken them to hell and back. I went home on the weekend as i had another court appearance to attend and got to spend the weekend with them. It filled me with such mixed emotions. As great as it was to see them, especially my niece and nephew, it was so hard. Every time i see them all I think about is my own daughter that I have not seen for 8 months now and it ends up making me want to cry. The last thing I want is to impact on my relationship with them but it hurts so much to see them at the moment as they are such a stark reminder of what i have lost.
      I know in time life will get easier. Day to day, living in Dudley I am fine. I have a fantastic job that I really enjoy, like I said some great new friends that get me, I live within my means, I am honest and gambling free. Yet I have such a huge fear that one day I will f*ck it all up again some how! The problem is that i dont really know any different. I have spent my whole life building bridges and then blowing them up that i cant help but feel it will all come crashing down again in the future.
      Part of me thinks that its not a bad thing to have this fear as it will hopefully keep me in check but I also dont want tihs fear to stand in my way.
      I keep telling myself that recovery is a journey that cant be rushed. I know that is true and i am not in a rush but I jsut think I am strugglnig to see any real progression. Whist I am open and honest with my family I seem to find it harder and harder to be around them. The same goes for all my old friends back at home as it all just fills me with horrible memories of my past life.   
      In 15 days I have another court hearing to start the ball rolling with some access to see my daughter. Hopefully that will begin to mend the piece of my heart that is still very much shattered. All I want is to be her daddy again and hold her and look after her and make her proud. Every time I close my eyes i see her smile and hear her chuckle but I dont want to have to keep closing my eyes any more!
      Now more then evet I need to stay strong. I have come such a long way in the past 8 months but I still cant see the top of the mountain. I know it is there and I am determined to reach the top no matter how long it takes.
      Take care
      Mark

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