[wondery]

Hi Everyone,
I haven’t posted in a while as everything here has been going smoothly…until last week. I found out that my BF has slipped back into drug use. His drug use and gambling usually come in a package. I found out about his relapse when I noticed money was disappearing and his behavior. I caught him on an online gaming site playing slots. It was so odd he was like in a another world. He was so focused on playing it was like he was part of the game.  He admitted the drug use to me but not the gambling. My reaction was not one I expected. I blew up. When I say I blew up I mean went into a rage. I was on the verge of becoming violent. It scared me so much I can’t even tell you. how much. I’m shocked at myself because the rage that hit me is not me. I never would have thought I could have that much anger inside of me. Everything was going so well with us now I feel so betrayed and used. I kicked him out. This weekend when ne came off the road..he is a truck driver he came to my house to pick up some of his things that’s when the begging started. He swore off the drugs again. He had’nt used any in three days and was having withdrawls. He was also very sick. Seeing how sick he was I couldn’t turn him away. I made him go to a clinic which he was able to pay for. I had to pay for all his meds. I had to but extra food due to him staying here. I am now short on money to pay my bills. I have a feeling of deja vu. After our unbelievable fight I truely felt no love for him amd not seeing him for a week helped seel this loss of emotion for him. Him being here for three days now and me having to care for him has stirred up my feelings for him again. Sitting here now I am struggling with the thought that I will never be able to shake him. I am feeling used once again. He is telling me he needs my help again to get him through this. I feel like I am being played. He is so sick that he does not want to talk about my fears at all. I’m not sure what to do. Do I support him once again or turn my back? Right now neither choice feels right. I am confused and so unsure. I feel so strongly that I have to think of my son first but at the same time I feel I can’t turn my back on another human being in need of help. I hold everyone’s thoughts and support in such regard on this site I am calling out to all of you again. I know, as in the past, your support will help me sort things out in my mind. I look forward to your replies.

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