28 April 2014 at 4:27 pm #3328Gidge72Participant
Well, I have not had my debit card with me for the last 3 weeks, and only take out cash for the week from the bank teller. I have stopped carrying my check book for about two months. He got livid a few weeks ago, when I did not have my debit card and wanted me to call he son to bring it to me. I told him no. He has said some pretty harsh things to me, and the craziest thing he said was that it was my fault for not paying bills. Right now I am very angry at him. I sent out a nice email a few weeks ago about how he needed help and what I was going to do to take care of myself. He just said well said. I figured that this past weekend was going to make or break us…but it just fizzed. He won’t talk to me, until I say no on taking out money. Then it is the irrational two year old tantrum. He says that he does love me, and right now I just do not believe him anymore. I have been telling more of our friends about what is going on, and several have told me if I need to get out fast, I have a place to stay for awhile, or to just hide out in a safe place. So, there is where I am at, and just waiting for this thing to explode and get real ugly real fast.28 April 2014 at 8:28 pm #3329jenny46Participant
Facing these types of situations is very hard and is an illustration that his addiction is still very much alive and kicking.
Velvet refers eloquently to the addiction as a slavering beast, perhaps ask her about it if you have not already read it on many other posts.
Saying no to the addiction or confronting it is like poking the beast with a sharp stick – it makes a great big fuss, screeching dribbling and snarling.
It is very likely that it will also sulk or indeed try any other form of emotional blackmail in order to get what it wants, in this case its grubby little paws on money it shouldn’t have !
Although hard and we’ve all caved in to the various tactics that we are faced with – try your best to stick to your guns and decline his requests.
The danger of giving in is that next time it comes back bigger and stronger and harder to deal with and we get weaker and weaker no has to mean no.
Perhaps its better that he doesn’t speak if he has nothing pleasant to say – saves you having to listen to the rubbish and become involved in arguments that have no rhyme or reason to them let alone logic.
Its good that you have places to go if you need and please make full use f them if there is a fear of violence erupting, no one should live in fear. Perhaps another option could be to put some space between you before it explodes and leave him to stew on his self created circumstances.
Whatever you decide to do please put your own safety first otherwise let him have a good squark in the knowledge that it is an addiction talking and one that’s actions are more likely driven by fear.
Jenny29 April 2014 at 3:08 pm #3330Gidge72Participant
Thank you Jenny,
My best friend is on alert if I need to run, she lives closer than my parents. Another friend of mine is a chief of police, and we have a code word if I need help. Then, my parents, and sister are on alert if I need to get out of there. The next two weeks, he is on call for a few days during the week, so I get some space from him. He does not know that I have organized my safety net, and I just think he is in denial that things are pretty bad between us. But, I am looking forward to the next three nights without him, and hopefully have a little peace in my home.3 May 2014 at 1:40 pm #3331velvetModerator
It’s good to hear that you have so much support in place.
Jenny has mentioned treating the addiction as a beast in the corner which is not a method recognised professionally but it has helped many people cope better with their loved ones addiction.
When your husband refuses to talk to you his addiction is wide awake like a slavering beast in the corner of the room waiting to pounce on anything that threatens it. Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not and as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay quiet. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten it by saying no to money, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you with tantrums and fear. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you which is what you need most of all.
Hopefully during your three nights without your husband’s addiction, seeking to demoralise you, you have rested your mind.
I would never tell anybody to leave or to stay with an active addiction – I cannot tell you what to do but knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you power over it. Your husband has knowledge of addiction and I hope this forum is giving you the tools with which to cope on an equal footing.
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