2 February 2015 at 8:19 pm #3639madge456Participant
Thank you Velvet for prodding me to give an update. I thought I would start a new thread as looking at the old one was bringing up too many bitter memories Id rather forget.
I have been following people even though I haven’t been posting. I am happy Twilight and Jenny are doing well – It is nice to hear people thriving and moving on.
I am doing better. There is probably a lot of catch up but Ill give the cliff notes version:
Things were continuing to be bad til I threw my CG out in November. It was the best thing I did. This time really made him re-think his life and how his life would be without his family. He was miserable and this was a good reality check for him. I was happy to have him gone but missed my “good” marriage. And “the good” him.
After some discussion and boundary setting, he has moved back in but knows he has a long way to go to earn my trust. With his knowledge and permission, I put a GPS tracker on his phone and am looking into getting one for his car. He is required to call me when he gets to work (from office phone) and anytime he leaves. He gave me permission to contact his boss too if I need him to confirm his where a bouts.
He is in cognitive behavioral therapy (much better for him, thank you velvet for the recommendation), starting a sex- addict support group 2/17 and still going to SA and GA meetings. He says he is willing to do anything to keep his family. He has cried a lot (a new thing for him) and has been very patient about realizing that it may be years before I can trust him again. He says he realized all he wants is his family and that it is his fault that we are where we are. He is working on EMPATHY which is a new thing for him – to realize how I feel and what he has put me through. To see things through my eyes.
He is Gamble-free over a year (so he says) but now that I have the tracker I can check up on his and know where he is. He calls me through out the day which makes me feel better. He is still working on all his other issues and finally got a CPAP machine to fix his sleep apnea which has helped him to not fall asleep at the wheel (!) and other places.
I am cautious but optimistic. His psychiatrist said that kicking him out was the best thing I could have done. I felt proud of myself and strong. I don’t want to break up our family but I will no longer tolerate the lies. It was the LIES that pushed me over the edge. He will always have issues because of his mental health problems but as long as he is honest with me and communicates to me I am willing to work with him.
He’s been much better in the house – cleaning up all the time (who is this man?) and playing with the kids. He has been communicating his feelings to me (a new thing) and planning dates – he even asked me out for valentines day!! and bought me gifts for the holidays (which he never did before). He leaves me little notes of love before he goes to work and makes me coffee almost daily.
I am having a hard time trusting him and I check up on him all the time. I know it will take time and have been honest with him that my trust will be very hard to earn and long in coming. I hate feeling like I always need to check up on him but I feel I need to until he has been living the “straight and narrow path” for a good while.
While re-reading these words I see how much things have changed. While he is working on him, I am working on me. Seeing what I want to do in my life and where I want to go next. I have been rethinking my life (where I want to live, what I want to do with my life). I no longer put him first. I put me and my kids first. This feels good.
I know there is no straight road to success but I am willing to explore what else I want to do and see where it takes me…
Thank you for still remembering me and for still listening…
all my love
XOXO3 February 2015 at 1:27 pm #3640velvetModerator
It was great to get update, so thank you.
I always understood very clearly how important your family is to you so I know how hard it must have been for you to ask your husband to leave but why you found in necessary to do so.
As we have always been open in our discussions, I am aware that you husband’s problems do not relate just to the addiction to gamble which is all I can justifiable comment on but I am delighted to read that your husband is having CBT therapy and also getting support from SA and GA. He certainly sounds as though he is trying to deal with his various difficulties. It is especially heart-warming to hear that he is finding an empathetic side to his nature which implies the CBT therapy is going well.
This forum is, of course, more about ‘you’. I sense from your post that you are a much happier person, getting help in the house, help with the children, communicating with your husband and even planning dates – what a difference from your previous posts.
I have to admit that I am concerned that you feel the need to be the detective to such a degree – it doesn’t sound healthy for you so I am glad to read you feel this is something that has a goal and an end in sight. I am amazed that he has been willing to have a GPS tracker on his phone but if this is something which you both agree is supportive to his continued well-being and yours then I can only say I hope it has the desired effect. I know you are both dealing with so much more than just the addiction to gamble so of course I cannot judge (and would not).
I don’t remember whether I knew your husband suffered from sleep apnoea but as many problems stem from sleep issues, I am glad these are being addressed. It seems to me that your husband is getting support from all directions and for both your sakes I am so pleased to hear it.
Your last paragraph is wonderfully positive – it is so easy to feel that working on someone else’s happiness is the most important thing while over-looking the thing that matters most. If you are not right then all the support in the world, that your husband is getting, will not be enough for you to have the relationship that you want.
I hope to see you posting more often; it was lovely to see you back supporting San.
It is easy to remember you and I will always be listening
V15 February 2015 at 5:50 pm #3641madge456Participant
Thank you for your nice words – I am in a much better place and will keep everyone posted. I am excited to see what the future holds – I want to plan some trips, take new classes and deal with health issues I have put on hold for too long. My kids are getting older and I am working on letting go of them too – so i can spend more time on myself without any guilt.
It feels good that I can “let my husband go” to the extent that I now know it is HIS work and I can’t control it. I need to move forward on my own path and hopefully if he continues to improve, we can walk the path together without the shadows of these addictions…
Life is short – I realized I need to spend time on things that make me happy…
love to you all..
Madge16 February 2015 at 9:28 pm #3642twilight16Participant
Great update, and to be honest I wasn’t expecting such a change in you. Not to bring the past up, but I feel it is worth to make the comparison as you seem much happier of a person now. It is like night to day.
Maybe it is because you have released the idea that you have to make sure your husband gets over his addictions, or that you finally let go of the idea that marriage is forever, getting rid of that enormous pressure and with that realization made, you have let go, letting whatever may happen be.
I believe the road to recovery changes us more than we realize, especially in the beginning. As we travel, we change, and can no longer go back to our old ways, we can’t shake the feelings of warnings, and the hunches we have that are protecting us. During our recovery, we start listening to our rational side, we start seeing how things really are and not how we want them to be.
Life is too short, I am feeling this more and more with each passing day. I believe we feel this way, when we start feeling good about ourselves and start appreciating life.
There will always be hiccups in life, with or without the addiction, children also have a way of pushing our buttons, and we have to stay true to what is good for us.
Thrilled you are doing so well.
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