- This topic has 29 replies, 10 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by WesternCanuck.
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10 January 2015 at 5:03 pm #28020WesternCanuckParticipant
Hello friends, my first time joining and posting on something like this.
I have been a problem gambler for 11 years. I remember being absolutely fascinated by casinos as a child. I resisted the urge to go until age 20. I was hooked immediately. It’s been an utter nightmare. Lost relationships, suicidal thoughts, broken dreams and everything else I’m sure you’re well acquainted with. I have drained my account dry countless times, borrowed money, stole small sums from loved ones, etc.
I can’t shake it. I have tried everything. I have confided to loved ones, tried addictions counsellors, had my parents control my assets… I am a recovering alcoholic, a proud member of AA and I’m 10 months sober without a blip. I am in the process of quitting smoking but the gambling I still can’t address. I have tried GA and didn’t get much out of the meetings I attended.
Looking for any and all suggestions. I’ve never been much of an online gambler but I just maxed out a high limit credit card yesterday (online BJ) that was completely paid off. I make good money but I work in a volatile job market. If I were to be laid off tomorrow or next month I would have a rough road ahead.
After going 6 months without gambling the flood gates were fully open for the last 3 and it’s cost me dearly. The stakes are ever increasing when playing. So is my sense of urgency, panic and disappointment and shame.
I’m finally admitting 100% defeat to this disease. I think previously I had always clung on to the belief that someday I would be able to gamble like a normal person.
Anyways, I could write a novel but I’ll leave it there. Thank you for reading and take care.
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10 January 2015 at 6:34 pm #28021jansdadParticipant
Hey Canuck. And welcome here.
I must say I love this sentence “I’m finally admitting 100% defeat to this disease. I think previously I had always clung on to the belief that someday I would be able to gamble like a normal person.”I have (had?) been kidding myself for decades that only if I played my A game at poker, only if I didn’t steam, only if I didn’t play when tired, only if I played lower limits – I could definitely beat the game. After all i know people who beat the game constantly and their “A game” is no better than mine.
Now I know that the few successful gamblers I know maintain their A game most of the time, whereas I start playing terribly after a couple of bad beats. And I know I’m not able to change that. I know I am too much of a compulsive gambler and these few “lucky ones” are not as compulsive. I also know that even if I managed to play my A game all the time (which is pretty much impossible) it would still not be worth my while. I’d be making a few dollars per hour, best case scenario. Worst case scenario (and far more likely than best case scenario) I would end up homeless.I now also know that I cannot be a recreational gambler after gambling non stop for 3 decades. It ain’t gonna happen. I cannot have “only one bet”. It is an impossibility.
And yes, like you I used to envy people who could gamble “like a normal person.”
But then I read this in a book “you envy them all the time they spend NOT gambling, you don’t envy them the time they spend gambling…” Simple to understand when you put it that way. I recommend you read the Easy Way to Stop Gambling by Allen Carr.Come here often, read the stories. I come here daily now and it helps me.
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10 January 2015 at 7:57 pm #28022WesternCanuckParticipant
Thanks jansdad for the warm welcome. I can see your frustration. I was a big poker fan for a while and fancied myself a good player. Like you, I would play recklessly after a couple bad beats. I would curse myself for calling hands that I knew I had lost and I would call out other players for playing so badly and catching hands. I would go in with a game plan and never (or rarely) stick to it, especially if I were losing.
And that’s the addiction taking over. It’s the same thing that has turned my focus from poker to blackjack and high limit slots. It’s funny, I don’t want to play poker anymore because it is too much of a grind. It takes too long. But I’ll sit down at a slot machine for hours on end tapping a button. Addiction logic at its finest. I never plan to spend that much time and money at a casino but I always do. I’m a VIP at my go to casino. I was proud of that for a while. Now I’m embarrassed by it. Yesterday was the first time I’ve lost a vast amount of money online and it scares the hell out of me because a lot of it was on my phone.
It has to end here. I am completely deflated. I can’t focus on work, I have no appetite and I feel nauseous from self pity. I know it will be one day at a time. Just wishing I could fast forward into the future.
Thanks again for responding. I have just read your journals and have taken some real good stuff out of them. And I’ll check out that book.
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10 January 2015 at 9:56 pm #28023WesternCanuckParticipant
Just reading through the journals. Wow. Very taken with the sense of community here. Touched by all the support given to each member. What a struggle this compulsion is individually but what resolve amongst the group membership as a whole. Can’t believe after all my Internet searching I’m just discovering this site now. Very grateful to have found it today in one of my darker moments. A big thank you to all who post here, I’m going to make it through Day 1.
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10 January 2015 at 9:57 pm #28024jansdadParticipant
You know, on my last gambling day I played black jack too, for the same reason. Poker was too much of a grind, and playing black jack at 1% disadvantage seemed far more prudent then making bad calls at poker with 20-30% negative EV.
Fools seldom differ. -
11 January 2015 at 1:39 am #28025AnonymousGuest
Hi Western, welcome to GT. firstly well done on quitting the alcohol. You have proven to yourself that you have great inner reserves and that you can overcome a difficult addiction.
Gambling is difficult as it so so a sneaky and easy to hide . The only Real way to stop is to cut off all access. This means no debit cards, no credit cards , gambling blocks on phones and computers, restricted access to cash… I do not attend GA myself but from people on here I understand that meetings differ a lot so maybe try a different one ?
You will beat this you know Western. Well done on coming on here and starting a thread.. Try to join some of the groups on here and you can have live chat -
11 January 2015 at 2:15 am #28026WesternCanuckParticipant
Thanks sad68 for the advice and the encouragement; and I will definitely give GA another go. My AA sponsor just hooked me up with a friend of his who is 7 years gamble free. Very much looking forward to hearing his suggestions. As crap as I feel right now it feels so right finally taking these first steps.
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11 January 2015 at 6:00 pm #28027WesternCanuckParticipant
So far so good. Had some urges earlier but resisted thankfully. Just got off the phone with a fellow who has multiple years gamble free. He had some good insights into the addiction. Really looking forward to meeting him. Trying to keep my chin up but know it’s going to be a tough battle.
Also, I tried downloading Betfilter on my laptop last night but I can’t find it after installation. Anyone else have this problem? Checked the FAQs on the website but it didn’t show up. May have to try contacting them directly.
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12 January 2015 at 7:12 am #28028lorraineParticipant
Ah your name caught my attention Westerncanuck ,im assuming your from canada ,me too ,love canucks well kinda,not into sports.
Wtg on your sobriety ,sounds like you are getting good face to face support.
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12 January 2015 at 9:03 am #28029DuncKeymaster
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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties youre currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if youre new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. Were in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like youre not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
And on that note….
Im going to hand you over to our community because Im sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
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12 January 2015 at 3:31 pm #28030WesternCanuckParticipant
Yes I am most certainly from Canada. Western because I just happen to live in the west (Alberta actually).
Thanks for the welcome!
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12 January 2015 at 3:34 pm #28031WesternCanuckParticipant
Thanks Harry
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12 January 2015 at 3:45 pm #28032WesternCanuckParticipant
Start of Day 3 and I’m already obsessing. Betfilter is up and running on my laptop thank God. I called phone provider but there is nothing they can do on their end to block gaming sites. I really want to ban myself from the city casinos when I get home from my work shift away but afraid I will not have the will power. I have already been thinking about and justifying withdrawing out of my meager retirement fund to cover a trip to the casino. I’m young and retirement is a while off. At this stage, my logic is what is another few thousand after just losing 20 online. I just want that money back and I can’t let it go even though I know it’s gone for good. Posting helps. Thanks for listening.
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12 January 2015 at 4:11 pm #28033jansdadParticipant
Why do you want to gamble? Last time I was craving (which wasn’t too long ago) I asked myself that question. At that time I was able to get only $200 online and with that amount it would be highly unlikely that I would win back thousands that I had lost in preceding weeks.
And you know what my answer to myself was? It was: I know I cannot win that money back, i know I will just lose the $200, but it will be worth it, I just want to gamble. Very scary, eh?
I wanted to gamble just for the sake of it. Even if it was going to cost me $200 for 10-20 minutes of gambling. It wasn’t about money, money was secondary, maybe even tertiary. I just wanted to lose the money for the sake of it.
I didn’t give in after realizing why I wanted to gamble. I came here and read posts and posted my own.Why do you want to gamble? You know it’s highly unlikely that you will win the 20K back. You will lose more instead. Why do you want to gamble?
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12 January 2015 at 4:13 pm #28034jansdadParticipant
You have to find out what works for you – how to trick your brain. If you’re fighting your cravings you’re doing it wrong.
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12 January 2015 at 4:46 pm #28035WesternCanuckParticipant
I guess it’s the small (extremely small) chance I can recoup that money. I have done it before but I know it’s highly unlikely. But for me right now it definitely is about the money.
That initial gambling brings me ease, comfort and big-shotism for a short time. I lose because I rarely leave up and it’s the panic that brings me back. I know I’m emotionally fragile at the moment and that fighting the cravings is a losing battle. It’s a classic case of “I want to quit, I will quit, but right after I win this money back”. I know the insanity of it. I know that’s not how it will go even if I do recoup my losses. It will be more like “Well that was a close one and very dumb, just be smarter next time”.
I have to find a way to accept that the 20k is gone for good. The previous 100,000 or 200,000 or whatever I have let go somehow. Perhaps because it was more gradual. It was always the obsession that brought me back. I dunno, maybe it’s time thing. I’ll keep taking it one day at a time and hopefully time will help me find acceptance for that last big loss.
One thing I do know is I won’t gamble today and that’s the most important thing.
I really do appreciate your replies jansdad. So thank you very much.
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12 January 2015 at 5:27 pm #28036veraParticipant
“If I were to be laid off tomorrow or next month , I would have a rough road ahead!”
These words that you wrote, hit me hard!
I am also a CG. I went back to work in 2004 after a long career break during which I reared my family. They grew up and I started gambling when my youngest was about ten or twelve years old .
Fast forward ten years…I had accumulated debt which I intended paying off by taking up my career again. I was blessed to walk back into a permanent job. I earned good money . We were experiencing a thriving boom in Ireland. The “Celtic Tiger” was bestowing loans on anyone working in a well paid job! I was on a roll! Not only could I “enjoy” spending my salary (the debt could wait) but I now had great “borrowing power”.
Long story short, The Celtic Tiger began to eat her cubs. I lost 4 years salary. Along with all I borrowed. The Recession had hit Ireland. “NO MORE LOANS” was the new motto for the banks. Public servants were “raped and plundered” by the Government to redeem what our Clever Bankers had gambled (yes, gambled) and by then I was in the deepest sh %* I could ever imagine. Half of my salary went on new taxes, levies, universal charges etc , a huge % went on debt repayment (it will take 4 MORE years)and to top it all off, my health became affected……
Moral of the story?
CIRCUMSTANCES CAN CHANGE!
Grab this chance at recovery, WC while you are in a strong position!
I’m sorry now that I dilly dallied for so long!
Al we have is NOW
Today!
Today, I did not gamble!
Who knows what tomorrow will bring!
Welcome to GT! -
12 January 2015 at 5:52 pm #28037WesternCanuckParticipant
Thank you Vera for sharing your story. It is a definite foreshadow of what is in store for me if I keep walking this path. More loans and credit cards have been circling my thoughts as I have good credit at the moment (miraculously I might add!)
I happened to be on a working holiday in Ireland in 2008/09 during the collapse of the Celtic Tiger. I recall people calling it the “Paper Tiger”. The only work I could find was as a barista at the Cork train station. Actually it was living here that my problem became apparent to me. I had to borrow money off my folks to pay rent a couple of times. The first time that had happened.
I definitely am trying to stop it here. I keep telling myself to forget the past, move on, that I can still be successful in life. Before I always managed to shrug off every ominous warning and gamble again. Praying that won’t happen this time!
There is so much to lose and so little to gain by gambling. I really do feel I am ready this time. It feels different this time. It feels as though I am finally taking the “right” first steps. I just really need to let go of my recent loss. If I can do that I think I might have a shot.
You’re very right when you say that all we have is today. I WILL get through Day 3 and right now that’s all that matters.
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12 January 2015 at 6:15 pm #28038charlesModerator
Hi WCanuck and welcome to the group. I will post more a little more here later but someone suggested you might want to join the group that is currently running. See you in the shortly hopefully. Just click on “support Groups” – above
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12 January 2015 at 6:20 pm #28039WesternCanuckParticipant
Thanks Charles, I would love to join the session, I really would. But I’m currently posting off my phone at work. I have literally had nothing to do for the past week but just got assigned a task of course! Cheers again for the invite, I hope to make one soon! Will try after work hours.
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13 January 2015 at 7:32 am #28040hintlineParticipant
Hello WCanuck,
Sorry if my english is not perfect but i’ll try my best.
What we all need to understand is that more or else we are all on the same boat. A boat that for sure is going to sink unless we do something about it. Money, relationships, dreams etc etc have all been broken. For all of us compulsive gamblers. The most important thing though is that we can rebuild everything … Money …relationships dreams ..everything..This is not going to happen through gambling. Gambling will just sink the boat. We need to change our mindset…We need to try and see how we will feel gamble free. We deserve this. Our next bet should be this one. To see how life is improving without gambling. Keep your faith. One step at a time.I’ll be following your threat. In the meantime i wish you all the best.
Best regards -
13 January 2015 at 3:34 pm #28041WesternCanuckParticipant
Thanks hintline for your reply. It is comforting to know that we are all in this together. You’re right, money, relationships and debt will take care of itself in due time if I do not gamble. I need to expell the “what ifs” and “only ifs” from my head. I will never come out on top if I continue to gamble. Period. The only winning hand for me in life is if I live it gamble free. Trying to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
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14 January 2015 at 10:21 pm #28042WesternCanuckParticipant
So far so good but have been crunching numbers all day in my head trying to justify going back. “One last time” I keep telling myself. “Win or lose I’m going to put my foot down”. But at this stage, I’m both afraid to lose and afraid to win. Afraid I’ll lose more money (which is becoming scarce) and afraid if I win I’ll lose all resolve.
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14 January 2015 at 11:31 pm #28043veraParticipant
Hi WC!
Where did the last “next bet” lead you?
Do you REALLY think a CG will win?
Ever?
If we did we would be sailing a yacht in the blue seas somewhere, not scratching our heads on a Recovery Site , pondering how to get out of debt!!
Remember the “Permissions” Topic?
This is your test!
Every time I tried that “next bet” I failed with flying colours!
Change your mindset before the thought becomes an action!
Well done on posting! -
15 January 2015 at 1:00 am #28044kpatParticipant
There is an animated video that Harry posted, I just posted on it to bring it back to page one. It will show you what addiction really looks like. Try and watch it if you can. It really helped me see what I have been doing to myself.
The results of just one more bet or one more spree get more and more deadly.
You can choose a different life! -
15 January 2015 at 2:29 pm #28045WesternCanuckParticipant
“Scratching our heads on a recovery site” So true, I love it!
This is my test you are right. I know all too well where that “next bet” will lead me. The obsessive mind is a powerful beast, however, I pray that I may have the strength to reach out for help when I’m at that breaking point between thoughts and actions. But today will not be that day. Today I will not gamble.
Thanks again 🙂
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15 January 2015 at 2:45 pm #28046WesternCanuckParticipant
Thank you kpat for bumping that video up. It was sad, powerful and all too familiar. I watched it three times and sent it to some AA buddies.
For me the nugget is the ATM or Cashier in the Casino. Always running back for more money but feeling a little more deflated and wounded each time. If there were to be an after video, for me, I tend to render myself white again. Maybe I paint myself white trying to cover up my folly. I go along for a while pretending things are normal. I might even walk past a nugget or two. But eventually, I will succumb and it’s straight to black again, but quicker.
That’s how it has been but that’s not how it has to be.
Feeling a little more hopeful today.
Thank you all.
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16 January 2015 at 2:39 pm #28047Mred321Participant
Hello my friend. Hope you are doing well. May I suggest something . I dont know if you have a good friend or relative you can trust . If you have someone you need to talk to them about this and give them your credit cards and all your money. This is what I do and then if I did go back I didnt blow everything . Only what I had on me at the time. I went so far as to take my retirement money all out and gave it to someone for safekeeping even though I took a big hit on the taxes. Its better to have most of it than none at all . Have a great day my friend.ODAAT.
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16 January 2015 at 2:39 pm #28048Mred321Participant
Hello my friend. Hope you are doing well. May I suggest something . I dont know if you have a good friend or relative you can trust . If you have someone you need to talk to them about this and give them your credit cards and all your money. This is what I do and then if I did go back I didnt blow everything . Only what I had on me at the time. I went so far as to take my retirement money all out and gave it to someone for safekeeping even though I took a big hit on the taxes. Its better to have most of it than none at all . Have a great day my friend.ODAAT.
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16 January 2015 at 9:10 pm #28049WesternCanuckParticipant
It is definitely something I’ve seriously considered. I am single and I’m living away from my family but do have a couple of friends I could trust. Hope you are having a great day as well!
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