18 August 2013 at 12:29 pm #9211user62Participant
First I’d like to say how inspired I am from all of you’re stories of recovery, and in awe of the courage shown to reveal all the details about how this disease has affected you’re lives. I’m also thankful that an online community like this even exists.
I joined this site two months ago. I took the usual route of being secretive about my addiction and couldn’t even select a screen name that gave any kind of hint as to my true identity. Pathetic. I’m a gambling addict and I need help. Phew.
It is hard to wrap my mind around how fast I have gotten to this point. I let things spiral out of control so quickly. I blew through my savings and accumulated a nice little amount of debt. I used to pride myself in being oh so responsible with my finances. I can’t even look in the mirror, I don’t even know who is looking back. I’m sick with anxiety. Anxiety I have caused myself.
So I live and work in Vegas. Yeah. Gambling everywhere I turn; the grocery store, gas station, the fricken airport. This journey to recovery won’t be easy, that’s for sure. Looking back I’ve always been drawn to gambling, ever since I turned 21. I started with slots and blackjack, but I wouldn’t play very often….maybe once a month. I gambled money I could afford to lose, but rode a very fine line of being excessive when I was out. Then my ex introduced me to video poker. Gosh, hitting a 4 of a kind is fun! Ha….back when $60 would be a good win. After a rough break up, I began going to the bar alone because that was better then sitting in a house full of his **** feeling sorry for myself. I hit 3 royals in a month and I was hooked. I felt invincible….like I actually had "luck". It was fun to win, and have other people look and be envious of it. If they only knew….I’d put it all back plus some. Definitely replaced some holes in my life with gambling, but that’s a story for some other time.
Gambling isn’t fun anymore. No amount of money is good enough for me. I can’t walk away. Please, take every last dollar I have, and I’ll try to convince myself I’ve had a good time. If I was at a business and they asked me for a $600 donation, I would laugh in their face. But $600 in a machine at a bar? Oh well let me open my wallet for you….where’s the atm? I’m so excited to have the "chance" to win something and then give that to you too! (insert eye roll here). I recently went 3 weeks without, and felt like I was in a better place mentally. Last night I played $500 PLUS a $400 keno 6 spot I had hit. I cried the whole way home. I am beyond disgusted with myself daily. The very few people in my life that know I "kinda have a problem", do not know the full extent of it. I have become secretive, wreckless, and just plain stupid when it comes to gambling. I am so responsible and sound minded in other aspects of my life. My friends hold me in such high regard….if they only knew. I want in the deepest parts of my soul to regain control of my life. I’m ready to love myself again. I’m exhausted from the stress and mental breakdown this disease has brought me. I feel so alone.
I appreciate anyone that takes the time to read this. I look forward to participating one this site. Heres to day 1…(again)!
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