[danj94]

Ive gambled since i was around 17. I always remember the first time going in to the book makers with my fake ID in hand (worst decision of my life getting one) and the win felt incredible, i was hooked instantly. Im 21 now and started my apprenticeship with a top car manufacturing company so i started on pretty good money. I guess that has not helped the situation and made it get worse. Im now coming to the end of my apprenticeship and the last year gambling has not got in the way of that. Ive always been able to block out how im feeling after a huge loss gambling and act like im fine and my life is okay. But my life is far from okay and thats why im here. Ive lied countless times, stole from family but somehow ive managed to make them think that im okay, but i have started to be honest and come clean, and tell them i have problems but ive never went into details. Last september 17th i quit for 3 months whilst in the process of having hypotherapy which helped hugely but i relapsed 13th december 2015 during a works night out when i was persuaded to go to the casino to watch the boxing. I lost everything i had saved which was around £1000 in 3 hours but it wasnt the money that hurt, it was the disappointment in myself for going there and believing i would be okay. From december until now i have battled on and off with the gambling, taking out several payday loans and cost myself so much time, and caused countless arguments with my family and girlfriend. Ive wanted to end my life so many times but my girlfriend is my rock, my soulmate and has been there for me so much, but i dont have the heart to tell her the extent of my gambling and how i feel. Ive spoke to her several times about it but never the whole truth. Now i come to my mother. The woman who has been through it with me and bailed me out so many times, she helped my save £10000 which she kept back for me for my house in the future (i would of spent that almost instantly in the state ive been in) but then i started to get my suspicions about my mom gambling, i came across emails from casino companies about withdrawals etc and when i asked her about it she would shout and scream at me, just like i used to do. I then arranged with my girlfriend to look after my savings as it was for both our futures in which she agreed and so did my mom. Couple weeks later it was the day to take the money out of the bank but then my mom broke down – she had spent every single penny. I was in shock, i couldnt believe it. She told me it was my fault for her gambling and if i tell my siblings about it, she would kill herself. In a rage of madness and desperation i gambled whatever i had in my bank account and broke down. An hour later i went to work and acted to every one like my life is all fine and dandy.
Ive had no one to speak to about it and i feel so trapped and alone, but my girlfriend keeps me going, she inspires me to be a man she deserves to have so thats one of the reasons why i decided to write a blog. The past 3 months ive also been so ashamed of myself to even consider going back to my therapist but i want to see him and tell him everything.
Last time i gambled was thursday 3rd of march so this would be day 4. I will try to update my progress as much as possible and any comments would be great to see
Thanks for reading
Dan

[8675309]

Dan,
I know where you are coming from. I’ve used gambling to deal with rage and anger, I saw it as an outlet. I have come to realize that it is a HORRIBLE way to let off steam so to say.
Find a way to release that anger that is more positive and healthy, harness it somewhere else. I have began to think of the consequences of my gambling before I leave for the casino, this has helped me.
Continued success on being gamble free, you can do this!

[Dunc]

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Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[danj94]

Thanks for the kind words. it is nice to have something like this where i can open up about my feelings and addiction. Ive always found its a taboo subject to speak to about with many (not all) non compulsive gamblers and when i have spoke to people about parts of it they kind of just shake me off. The damage i feel i have done to my wellbeing, both physically and emotionally is huge from all the stress and then the depression but i know that it can be reversed and turned into something positive. As i said i will keep you updated.

[danj94]

Feeling okay today, i do feel thursday will be the hardest as thats when i get paid. Work helps me a lot to take my mind off gambling so im trying to work as much as possible but also to the fact i go skiing in 3 weeks i would like some extra spending money so i can enjoy myself.
Hope everyone is feeling good
Dan

[janey1]

Hi Danny

What kind of thing do you have in place to help you get through a difficult day on Thursday? Have you enlisted the help of friends and family to help you manage your money, do you have self exclusions in place or blocking software if you gamble online? Do you intend to come here and chat to us if you start to feel overwhelmed?

It’s better to prepare than to find yourself struggling on a difficult day.

Take care
Janey 🙂

[danj94]

Well i literally have self excluded from id say near enough every online gambling establishment available to me (it would take me an hour to find any other one) so online gambling has not appealed to me as i find it too much effort. I recently with my girlfriend in tow self excluded myself from every grosvenor and genting casinos in the uk. As foot bookmakers well there are hundreds where i live and i am self excluded from most of the book makers that surround me. This however i dont feel is good enough as i could drive to one that i am not banned from. Willpower is the only thing i have to stop me from travelling to these places, im hoping i can hold out and then eventually a nationwide self exclusion would be available to us. Perhaps bookmakers would require you to sign up as a member and need an id card to be able to place a bet etc, and if you wanted to self exclude then you simply have your membership revoked
Thanks for reading

[danj94]

Ive been busy these past few days, well i say busy but more in a sense that things have happened in my family. We had an incident in january where my dad had stashed some money away for himself and when he went to grab some of it, it had all gone. My dad is not a very nice person and i have never got on with him, infact he is a very violent man who at times i despise for what i had to endure as a child. Well he went crazy and the only person who knows where he hid his money is my mom. Ive known for a while shes gambled but no one else knows and my family brush it off whenever i mention it. Well it turns out my mom stole the money and used it for gambling (although anyone else in my family does not know). They believe it went on to pay debts which my mom does have alot of debt but i know the debt recently has been so she can gamble more (ive been there myself too which is how i know her behaviour is from gambling). Well yesterday she did it again. Stole £400 from my dad and told him it was to pay debts. I found she needed the money to pay bills but had spent the bill money then panicked. Now no one in the house is speaking to her including me but i have offered my help to try kick the gambling but she declines it. Ive always said you cant help someone who does not want it so what do i do? Im living with my own addiction and having to try help my mom. She knows about my problems but shes not interested. How has the money who has bailed me out several times over the 4 years of my gambling got to this point? The times ive been crying to her saying i want to end my life etc but i cant understand how she herself has got to the same stage ive been at yet she has only seen the bad sides of gambling. I will never get my savings back or my dad wont get his money, but i hope my life can learn from this thing and i wont look back

[Fritz]

I would suggest you continue to talk about it with your mom, maybe through those discussions she will decide it’s time to make a change. You are the one setting a good example for her to hopefully follow. Try to stay positive, you’re doing great.

[danj94]

Sorry i havent posted in a few days but its been chaos. Ive been feeling okay, no urges to gamble. But its been the worst 3 days of my life. I was in work on saturday when i got the phonecall off one of my sisters telling me that loads of bills have been found unpaided and amounting into the thousands. One of the letters said we were going to lose the house on 26th april if we did not pay £1500. Of course my dad finds these and hits the roof. More and more bills are found amounting to around £5000. Of course this has been gambled by my mom and she then admits it to my family. I have known about my moms gambling but she sworn me to secrecy or she would kill herself. She then proceeds to overdose on pills and then i leave work to get back. By then my sister had came to pick my mom up to stay away for a few days. Turns out my mom has been also borrowing money from sisters, brother, and my nan with the excuse of i had been stealing her money and leaving her with nothing to pay the bills (a complete lie as i have not committed for 2 years) and she was then gambling as much as possible. My family had not told me what my mom had said about me and when i found out i broke down wondering how my mom could say these things about me. I have tried to help her several times, like put blocks on her phone but shes always refused and how can you help someone who does not want it. The bills have been paid from my dads savings and the house is okay. My mom is now not living with us and staying at my sisters. She is too ashamed to come home but i do forgive her. In a very strange way i believe this will help me on my own journey of no gambling as i have seen both perspectives, being both the victim and the one who has committed. I have now just eaten the first thing in 46 hours as i have felt really sick from all this (i usually eat huge amounts of food!). So yeah, the worst 3 days of myself and i feel my mom has hit rock bottom. Lets hope she can now pick herself up and start again and i will be there to help her every step of the way.
Thanks for reading

[cobysky]

Stay strong

[kpat]

I have been in the grips of gambling and so has/ is my mother. There are many, many journals here that sspeak of parents having the same issues or worse.
I have sometimes gone over to the friends and family site and read of the advice given by Velvet and others and have even used some of it in relating with my Mom.
This is a hard thing, when gambling becomes an addiction. People understand drug addiction much more easily than this.
Keep posting and maybe look at all the options for support available here on this site.

[Author]

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