[Pie]

Exciting at first through all the twists and turns, but not it just feels like I’m on the cart that is not maintained and could derail at any point. 

It’s crazy, I never ever considered myself someone who could end up here, needing support to get myself back on track.

The past 8 years have been beyond challenging, lost my house to a previous relationship, then survived an accident with a broken neck and back. From there, in short, I lost my career, relationships, friends, self confidence and struggled hugely with finances in bottom end jobs that barely paid minimum wage while living on my own and keeping my little rental safe for me while I rebuilt my world. 

I hit rock bottom 18 months ago. Generally a happy positive person but my debt levels were suffocating and I could barely pay my bills week to week after years of low wages and expenses due to my accident. I had to buy flights to my home city as my grandma passed away. I made it up there and had found a way to pay for in advance my return flight. I was struggling with a heavy attack of PTSD from my injuries and after my grandma’s funeral things turned really ugly with my grieving mum. She kicked me out of her house and I had to find a way to pay for a new flight back home as soon as possible. I had enough just left on my credit card to buy a new flight. But I had absolutely nothing left, and pay day was too far away to be able to cover my rent and petrol to work.

I sat in my car, outside my mum’s house and I broke. I had spent over 6 years fighting this financial hole and I kept sinking further. It tears I went on Facebook to fill in time before I had to go to the airport for my new flight home. That’s when it all changed, for both good and bad. I saw a sponsored ad for online slot machines and free spins with just a $10 deposit. 

I used my last $10 and signed up. That $10 lasted me until 4am in the morning and I went to sleep with $200 won and pending a withdraw. 

I flew home and felt so embarrassed about what I had done. But I was also very excited that I would soon have that little bit extra in my bank account to try and make up for the flight a couldn’t afford. 

The next night at home, I live alone, I found myself back on the online casino. Win after win came through, a few hundred dollars at first, then it became some big wins of a few thousand. I had just won enough to pay off one of my credit cards. I planned to with draw it all and pay off my card and close it in full as soon as possible. Which I did. But I had other credit cards, all maxed out, plus personal loans. And then my car, that I had finance on, blew up and got me less than $100 at the wreckers. I live a long commute away from my job, with no public transport as I live rural. 

I limped my dying car out to the wreckers, took my tiny amount of cash (that wasn’t even enough to cover the next finance payment on it) and began the 3 hour walk on foot back in the direction of my work.

I walked past a used car wholesaler. I couldn’t help myself in having a look at a bottom dollar car I saw in their warehouse. In my head I tried to figure out how I could get finance on it, but was still paying off the previous 2 bottom dollar cars that had died on me. Then I remembered I had closed off my credit card that I had just paid off. I would be able to get the bank to reopen a new one for me. 

The car salesman saw that I was hiding my true situation and he reminded me of my late father, a used car salesman that people could trust, that always helped people to get into better situations. After an hour talking with this man I took me over to a really nice later model car. 3 times the price of the piece of crap I was looking at, and he saw my eyes light up. I told him this would be a dream come true, to one day get into a car that is safe, reliable and no longer breaks down every second day as I rush to get to my job.

He looked me in the eye and told me if I go with the cheapest car on finance I will end up yet again exactly where I was in a years time, 2  years max. I broke down in tears. Another hour passed and I had just been approved finance on the later model car, the one with the tow bar for me living alone in the country, the one that had a big boot for my dogs who were all I had, the one that looked so good that I would have felt proud to drive that. He fought the finance company to give me a better rate and with a hug he handed me the keys to my new car and I drove back to work, a bit speechless. 

The next few days I began to worry about how the heck I was going to keep up with finance on now 2 vehicles. I made the decision to find a way to win myself my new car.

2 weeks later, 4 months after I had first gambled online and lost many many nights of sleep from lost funds in between the wins I logged on. I was overcome with a feeling that I had to stop everything I was doing, go onto one of the jackpot games I was familiar with and allow myself $100 to place some high bets. I could see the jackpot was getting high and could go any minute. I knew that person was going to be me. 

That might I won myself my new car, and enough money to pay off all my personal debt excluding what I owed to my mum. I sat with my dogs in silence on the floor of my house looking at the screen that said Jackpot. 

Paying off my car was a day I will never ever forget. Closing every single one of my credit cards that helped me survive my accident for so many year brought pure tears of happiness. Becoming debt free for the first time in my life since I was 18 was overwhelming and being able to pay for the care my elderly dog needed when he died of cancer in my hands just months later, priceless. 

I had a little bit of money left over from the big win after I had cleared my debts. I signed up for financial money management courses to learn how to understand money and make better decisions in my life. I opened a managed investment fund to put the remainder in and work at growing enough for a deposit on my own house again one day. I signed up to have professional help with a budget and am still working with a financial advisor to get on top of my cash flow from my income. I have an accountability partner in them who sees my every transaction. 

It has been exhausting. It has been overwhelming. It’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me and the worst thing. My elderly mum is close to being homeless in a few weeks in a crazy out of control housing market and I’ve been desperate to have some money to give her to try and help. I relapsed and went back online to try and win some extra to help her. I ended up losing about 10k that no one even knew I had.

I had my access to my log ins blocked through the gambling help centres. In January this year I found a new sight that accepted my card. I lost another grand and pulled money out of my investment to try and cover up the losses to my financial advisor. I had my new account blocked again and was was doing so well. I was saving, sticking to my very tight budget and had enough confidence to apply for a mortgage. If I could buy a plane I could help my mum and keep her safe.

I was denied the mortgage, my deposit wasn’t big enough. 

2 weeks ago I found another online casino that wasn’t linked with the ones I was blocked from. I have now lost another 5k and know I simply can not afford to lose any more. I keep trying to win back some of what I have lost and it just gets worse. A year ago was the happiest day of my life. Now I wish I knew how to stop and protect what I have left to finally get ahead in my new life. 

I am working very hard to hold onto what I still have, I know I can do this and I want to never ever lapse and go back. The hard work begins now while I’m still keeping above water. I am so exhausted, but I really do believe in myself and getting on top of my life post debt!!!

Thanks for reading, not a single person in my world knows anything I have gone through. It’s a heavy weight to bare alone. 

X

[velvet]

Hello Pie and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[Steev]

I guess that you have looked through the site and are aware of all the things you NEED to do in order to stop gambling. Banning yourself and taking away finances and time are things that you will need to find a way of working through.

You have decided to share your story with other compulsive gamblers. You may want to consider doing this locally with a self-help group such as GA or similar. We gamble alone and there is a lot of shame associated with what we have been through – but no-one can beat this addiction alone. You will need to share and get help and advice from people who have been there in your locality. I wish you well.

[Pie]

Hey thanks Steev for your reply. I was actually really thrilled to discover the GT ap and now forums by complete chance yesterday. I was trying to find a support group on Facebook and joined one that doesn’t seem to have been used for some time. As I scrolled through some older posts someone mentioned downloading an ap on their phone which helped them. When looking through the ap store I came across this and am so pleased I did. 

I have tried to find local support groups but haven’t had any luck. So to at least have found this one feels truly great as a start to me getting the help and support I need.

Every time I had seen myself getting out of control through the online slot machines I have contacted their problem gambling team and asked for a permanent self ban from my accounts. What I did find great was that after I first relapsed after a full 5 months of not gambling, every new site I found I also seemed to not be able to access and my card declined. They will have all been under the same governing company. When I did find one again in January this year, after an entire day spent on there and more losses I once again had myself band through their problem gambling team. I found their teams to be brilliant and supportive, passing me on all the information I needed to get help. 

Another relapse with money stresses lead me to a new site 2 weeks ago. I have now also had myself banned on that one and have seen on this site information about blocking software to install on my phone. I will be doing this today as I am ready to never ever end up in the situation I only just got myself out of after 7 years and have deep shame that I have even allowed myself to possibly loose my one chance I had to get into my own home and have some security. 

This site is amazing, and I am so thankful I have found it. I’m exhausted, it’s been 2 weeks of no sleep and now a long wait with no funds to get me through until next pay day. I know I am better than this. Thank you for your support

[IRockVX]

Thank you for sharing!  Your life adversities remind me of life when I was 18 … homeless … dealing with serious stuff … being forced to become an adult rapidly …

The strong desire to be free and feel free is natural … when it translates into huge risk we get into trouble … I’ve been in similar situations.

The vibe and energy of people here is sunshiny … i’m an energetically sensitive person … when i feel casinos and markets (my problem is online trading–a variation of casinos) I see and feel a numbing black hole … a sunken place … 

That place wants to pull us out of what we really do think feel and love … the shame is overwhelming and it’s an incredible relief to bathe in energy that is the opposite of those people and connect with real communication/talk about real issues …

The gambling world is built on denial and deceit … leveraging profit on what seems to be a conjoined influence of biology and personality that lead us into this pitfall …

I know those feelings of burying my face in my hands and rocking back and forth slowly feeling numb isolated and worn down … those terrible feelings that have been trained to be responded to with a bet to gloss over them … slowly that deep sadness is responded to with constructive actions that address it directly  and change it to real happiness/genuine freeing catharsis … little by little we can make that a new muscle memory for the subconscious …

Even if we feel depressed ashamed, lost, forsaken, or even unloved from early life experiences (or current ones) … those feelings never belong in the hands of these dark places … we gotta shield ourselves from them as much as possible.

Much love and support <3

[Pie]

I am really greatful for you reading my story and taking the time to reply. This is a crazy crazy ride I’ve found myself on. I’m a 34 year old woman who is independent, finally in a great job that I am good at, have done my full recovery from my accident entirely alone and the kind of girl who hopes she still has time to meet at partner and have a family. If anyone knew in my personal world what I was knee deep in they would be angry and shocked after everything I have pulled myself through. 

You are right, there is so much shame and guilt entwined in this heavy and dangerous world that at times I find myself struggling to understand how I got here. I am beyond excited to have found the GT ap and forums and just this morning I have sent an email to ask for professional counselling that is offered in my local area for problem gambling.

If I had managed to pull myself through this a year ago after after my big win, I would be debt free with enough money for a deposit on a house of my own for me and my dog. But here I am, ashamed to admit I only have 10k left of my winnings and have already taken us a small personal loan as a result of my addiction.

But I also know that it’s not too late for me to turn it around. No one knows what I won, no one knows what I have lost. So it for me alone to own the shame in that and do something to turn it all around and get myself back on track to saving the deposit needed for a home.

I really  appreciate the support. This forum is amazing and I feel like the weight of the world is starting to shift now I no longer bare this in silence. 

I have my final quarterly meeting next month with my financial advisor to see how I’m going. I have a lot of things to fix and try and answer for in my accounts before then and it terrifies me that they won’t be willing to work with me for another year because of my gambling losses. If I keep on tract with them for another year I know I can earn my recent losses back through hard work, budgeting and some hard savings. I hope she gives me a chance. She knows about a 10k loss last year I had to come clean about and she was very angry with me, understandably. I guess it’s completely undone all the hard work they have put into me.

It all changes now. I will turn this around!

[IRockVX]

Turn it around — yes you will!

Separating the false optimism of the addiction (which holds onto doing the same things over and over) from the true optimism of being free from it … that’s the hardest part i think (for me at least) …  Tap into that true life wave

[JesterRace]

Hey Pie,

Came here after your reply on my thread, this is certainly a story that hits home with me too.

Congratulations on taking the step to find this forum and talk about your story, it was my first time doing so too last week, and the weight it has lifted was massive. 

I too fell into debt before the online slot gambling addiction started, I was feeling so down about being in debt and the constant years of financial insecurity, that first big win in gambling made me feel like it’s a way out of the hole.  

Those big wins are the worst, once it happens we’re forever chasing them. The machine always wins, even when we hit the jackpot, the neurological changes made inside us will make us pump it all back in at a later date chasing it again. 

You will turn it around, just like I will too – hard work and solid finanacial budgetting is the only path out of it. Stay strong, these days are behind us now, a far brighter future awaits. Once again, well done on taking this step! Look forward to hearing updates on how you’re getting on, keep posting them here!

[Pie]

A quick update from my phone, while tucked up in bed feeling a huge range of emotions…

It’s been a really bad week, I lost more money online trying to fix the small losses in the first place and now have lost a lot of money trying to fix it all. Feeling quite desperate but I also know that trying to win back my losses is NOT the way to fix this.

But on a positive note, while searching for help and support networks in my local area (I’m in New Zealand) I came across free counselling offered to those who need help with gambling. I emailed my enquiry to the national center yesterday, today received a phone call and a booking for a first session with councillor this week on Friday. The relief I felt after the phone call was huge. I had tears in my eyes as I heard myself telling him out loud that I need help and about my windfall last year. But the sense of being able to finally tell someone I need support is wonderful. All of a sudden I no longer feel like I have to carry this dark, heavy and sickening secret alone.

First counselling session is this Friday and it can’t come soon enough. He made me promise him I would do everything I can to make it through until then without losing any more money. I said I know I can do that as I now only have $20 for petrol and no other means.

This has to stop now. I no longer want to be this person and I’m ready to move past my big win and no longer allow it to impact my life in a negative way.

Will reply to you all in a few days when I can write from my computer again.

I feel so proud of myself. I am going to start getting the professional help I need. Gosh I am thankful for all of you sharing your stories and updates.

[JesterRace]

Well done for making that phone call to arrange that counselling session, proud of you dude. I felt that same relief saying those words out loud to my friend for the first time also. that’s a huge step you took towards rebuilding yourself

It’s good you know that chasing losses isn’t how to fix things, and that windfall ain’t gonna happen again, don’t let that tempting voice tell you otherwise . You got this, With a bit of work there’s a much better life waiting for you without gambling, and that is absolutely certain. Gambling will only bring more misery, also fact.

My advice would be to permanent ban/self exclude from all online casinos you’re signed up to, right now, don’t even think twice about it, that’s another leap in the right direction.

Take it a day at a time , please do keep the updates coming though in your own time. nothing but good can come from Fridays session, stay strong untill then.

[Steev]

That is important. At one point I wanted to stop, it was only when I came to the conclusion that I NEEDED to stop that things really kicked in.

I’m glad that you are going to get some support locally. Will this be a weekly appointment. I think it will have to be at least that often so that you can get to know your counsellor and the approach taken. I do hope you have also banned yourself from places where you gamble and (if possible) given up responsibility for your own finances – put as many barriers in the way of yourself and a bet.

There is GA in NZ the contacts are here: http://www.12steps.nz/12-step-programs/gamblers-anonymous/ga-meetings/ If you haven’t tried it’s worth giving them ago, but their approach is not for everybody. I wish you well.

[Pie]

I’ve been trying to find the time to post an update….

It’s been a crazy 2 weeks. When I last wrote I was at my worst, feeling the lowest of the low, the desperation from recent losses, the lack of a way of making it through to the next pay day and completely filled with anxiety, stress and exhaustion from this recent relapse in staying away from gambling.

I had my first counselling session with an experienced gambling Councillor last Friday. To save the embarrassment of having to spend the day at work around my colleagues and then sneak of to my session with the guilt of what I was about to start tackling, I took the day off work. I wasn’t sleeping, my stress levels were making me sick and it just became easier this way.

My Councillor and I seemed to find a connection from the very start. I am a very open person when in a safe space and talking to him didn’t worry me. What was alarming to myself though was filling out some of the assessment paperwork and where my score level sat with how bad my gambling was… it was almost at the highest score possible which caused him to be taken a wee bit back after meeting me. But I realised this was the time to be honest to be able to start the real process of actually getting the help I need to change my habbits and turn it all around.

Basically it was a great meeting session and I could tell that he was going to become an excellent support outlet for me as I step through my recovery journey. It felt like a huge relief, much as it did when I wrote in here, for another person to finally know what I was living through each and every day and how much it was affecting me.

He asked me to take action and request a self-exclusion from the current online casino that I had been using for the past month that has brought me into this unhappy place. I went home and logged in to do so. But I realised that a final withdrawl that I had requested 2 weeks previous still had not been processed and I needed that to happen before I could close the account. I was maxed out on my overdraft and that small amount would have been enough to get me through until pay day and then ensure I still had a little amount left in my overdraft. What did I bloody do? Cancelled the withdraw and lost the lot in trying to win a more “comfortable” amount.

This left me with just enough money for petrol until I get paid tomorrow. After a few days of going even further into disappear about it I actioned the self-exclusion any way. The online casion acted fast and thier support in return was, as per last time, just brilliant. I was so thankful.

This was 3 days ago and I FEEL GREAT at least knowing that right now I can’t get myself into DEEPER trouble. Last night I slept like I haven’t slept in month and today I was more productive at work than I have also been for a long time.

I’m excited to go back to my counciller in 2 days time to tell him how that made me feel and where I am at. The other thing I’ve come to accept is my losses and having to come clean to my financial adviser at my next meeting in 2 weeks time. I lost everything I had saved for the first time in my life and it’s beyond embarrassing. BUT… I now own that and am determined to work even harder to now earn it back through my financial support programme.

It was one year last week since my “big win” that changed my life, but also started a year of utter turmoil that has come with it.

I am so exhausted, but I see this as some progress to acknowledge in a positive way. The next month financially is going to be bloody hard as I no longer have the buffer of an overdraft available to get me through my expenses. But I got myself here, I will do everything it takes to get myself back to where I was a month ago and make some serious sacrifices with my spending to get there.

Thanks for reading – I am proud to say that I no longer have access to any online casinos and am more determined than ever to get myself through this. My journey has begun.

[Steev]

It was good to read about your progress. Sad that in trying to cancel your casino membership you then gambled, but is cancelled now. Great that you get on so well with your counsellor, I think that makes such a positive difference. I wonder if you have tried to contact GA? Be good to get updates on your progress. I wish you well.

[Pie]

Hey Steev. Thanks as always for your reply.

Yes I was beyond disappointed with myself that I blew the money I was waiting on to be withdrawn. I knew losing it would make the next month bloody tough financially. But I’ve spent the past few days working on accepting it and I actually no longer care that I lost it and have to live incredibly frugally this next month. Because I feel more relief than I could have expected by no longer having access to try and continue to win back these losses and I am just thrilled that I now can’t get in any more trouble. The losses have been crippling, and the anxiety I have felt these past 6 weeks have made me very sick.

I feel SO much less anxious and am listening to a good audio book by Alan Carr about how to stop gambling that is reminding me daily of how sick I was feeling. Last night I slept like a log again, and it felt amazing.

I haven’t made contact with GA because I had found this free professional support through another association that includes my counselling. So will stick with that for a while and see how I find it. The councillor takes his own group sessions that he suggested I come along to sometime too as he thinks it will help me greatly sharing my story and hearing others too. Problem is I need to be very very careful to hide all my appointments from my workplace so that they do not find out my problem. So I can’t attend much more than I am now with this weekly commitment during working hours. 

I feel like I can breathe again. And I have worked through my finances and believe that I can be back to where I was financially 6 weeks ago in 3 months time with some hard work and tightly worked spending. And how I will feel when I have paid off my overdraft with a small amount of savings again in my account will be the best feeling in the world. 

I’m getting excited now. I’m am so pleased I am here on this forum and have started with the professional help. I no longer feel alone after feeling so terribly terribly alone

[Emma8]

Hi Pie, I’m in the very early stages too so it’s good to hear someone else’s perspective.

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had a decent withdrawal pending and cancelled it “just in case I could win more”. It’s awful isn’t it?

Wishing you all the best in making this brilliant change. We don’t need gambling and we’ll be far happier without it!

Looking forward to following along with your progress 🙂

[JesterRace]

Well done on your first counselling session, it’s great to hear you’re feeling the benefits of it already, onwards and upwards buddy!

That option to cancel a pending withdrawal is the worst, I can’t ***** how many times I’ve lost an entire win by slowly cancelling more and more of the withdrawal trying to chase something bigger. It sounds like that little relapse has only just served to fuel your desire to be gamble free even more. As you no longer have access to online casinos anymore, this last experience will serve as a reminder to why.

Really enjoying reading of your success so far, especially since our stories are quite similar, long may it continue for us both. Some work ahead for us to repair the financial damages, but I’m excited to do it knowing I’m finally out of the trap and I’m no longer facing it alone.

Good shout on that Alan Car audiobook, I listened to that last week – it’s bloody brilliant, completely retrains your way of thinking around gambling, couldn’t recommend it more!

Good luck and keep the updates coming!

[Pie]

I began a task today that I have been actively avoiding for many weeks now. After I had my windfall a year ago I have been working with a financial advisor for 12 months to budgets, help me get my life back on track after 8 years of being in turmoil financially after my accident and to work hard to start to move towards so big goals.

I have my final meeting with my advisor next month and in preparation for our meeting I need to ensure I have my entire tracking in my accounts up to date. Every transaction is allocated, seen, and talked about. Full accountability.

Today I began to reconcile my accounts. The last time I did this was at the beginning of February, when I was not gambling, I had savings for the first time in my life and was getting closer to having a deposit on my own home, within reach.

I cried my eyes out today as I worked through my accounts post gambling relapse, seeing my deposit disappeare in front of me, all my savings completely go into the bottomless pit of the online casino and my overdraft maxed out fully with no room to move for bills and expenses. I cried and I cried and I cried. This is what I have to show for putting in so much work to rebuild my life, from often working 2 jobs to just keep up, from going without anything extra for myself for 8 years.

I have never felt so ashamed of myself in my entire life. And in a few weeks time I have to show a complete stranger my entire failings and then convince them to allow me to sign up for this help and services for another year.

How on earth did I allow myself to undo all the progress I have been fighting to achieve for so long? The more I was losing the harder I tried in desperation to hide it but winning it back. But the losses grew bigger and I am really really struggling to forgive myself for the past 2 months worth of turmoil. As I struggle through each pay day now going without ample food and skimping to ensure I can have enough petrol to get to work I wonder how on earth I am going to turn this around.

I had felt so relieved having nothing to do with gambling for a week now. I’m never going back, I think this has even put me off wanting to ever buy a simple lotto ticket again. If any of my family or friends knew what I had done they would all disown me and be disgusted in me. Heck, I’m disgusted in myself. There’s no hiding it in my accounts now. The one thing I am thankful for is that I am single and do not have to bring a partner into this embarrassing reality.

On Friday I will attend my 3rd counselling session with a problem gambling councillor. And I will also be joining my first group session to begin to face up to what I have done, one day at a time.

[IRockVX]

You’re doing good.  That pain runs deep regarding gambling … quite deep.

You have positive things to look forward to this Friday and more chances to rebuild.

Stay on track keep writing keep sharing — every craving is a chance to talk about it

Bring the accountability and new folks in closer

You can do this.  Breathe deep, focus on your health (that’s one thing I can always give to whether I have money or not) and stay connected.

You can do this.  Make today gamble free.  <3

[JesterRace]

Man I hear ya on the lotto ticket, I don’t want to ever buy one or a scratch card again even. so done with gambling in all forms. 

forgiving yourself is a huge step in the healing process, man, easier said said than done I know,  was hard for me to do too, but we’re only human so we all make mistakes, what learn from these mistakes and how we choose to bounce back is what really matters . You got this man, treat it as a life lesson more valuable than any windfall and put the  best foot forward. 

Glad to hear you’re keeping up the counselling , I hope it’s helping you through this. I’m thinking about arranging a few sessions for myself also. I know I’m done with gambling now, But I want to pick my brain for the reasons I did in the first place.N

Not hugely into motivational sayings but this one seems to resonate with me: “Before a man can conquer the world, he must first conquer himself” , that’s driving me forward / helping me forgive myself and move on to a different path 

[Pie]

This week I made myself sit down and begin to reconcile my bank accounts in my finance tracker – the one that my
professional financial advisor will be going through with me at my next meeting in 2 weeks time.

Transaction by transaction I categorised my spending and incoming funds. I knew it was bad, but seeing the transactions add up, hundreds of item lines day after day to an online casino… this may have been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I broke down in tears from the desperation and the shame it made me feel to see my reality and behaviour right in front of me.

But you know what? Now it’s done. My entire accounts have now been categorised and how much money I have lost is there, in fact, for me to now process and disclose to my advisor.

I’m pleased that task is done because ignoring it did not mean it was going to correct itself. Hard work, professional help and my commitment to never gambling again is going to help fix it, over time, one day and one pay day at a time.

Today I had my 3rd counselling session since I began to seek help. And I joined in his group session for about half an hour before hand. I got to meet two other problem gamblers and hear a short snippet of their stories. And I shared mine with them. I found myself having much respect for each of them very quickly as I began to see and understand what gambling had done to their lives and how much hard work they have been and still are putting into the rebuild of both themselves and their lives.

I felt relieved to be there. The more I talk about it the more I understand that, while my gambling has been “short term” in the scheme of things, my losses have been huge and here is real potential for it to completely undo ALL of the positive progress I have made these past 8 years after my accident.

I am grateful for my counsellor. I don’t trust easily but I feel really comfortable around him and he already is very supportive of me, helping me to see things I haven’t been able to see myself.

It’s going to be a bloody hard week until I get paid next, but I truly feel if I can get through to them financially, I am going to be able to turn all this around and get my finances and happiness back on track.

Something I said to my councillor today actually surprised me. He asked me if I had thought much about gambling since I last gambled and self excluded 10 days ago. I said I had, and that at the moment the strongest emotion I feel as a result is an overwhelming relief that I no longer have to gamble, that I no longer have to log on and spend money to try and fix all my losses in pure desperation. I no longer feel like I have to wake up at 5am and log on in bed on my phone and try and fix it all. I feel an immense sense of relief.

I have never felt the excitement, the high or the thrill that I know others have or do feel gambling. I’ve only ever felt desperation and shame at myself, and cried many tears when another hundred disappears from my screen that I simply couldn’t loose.

I no longer have to gamble to fix my messes, and it’s that feeling of relief that makes me believe that I can truly feel happiness again in time.

Very grateful for coming across this free counselling service. I hope I can grow from all of this and the conversation that will be had.

[Pie]

Hi. It’s been a few weeks since I posted.

I remember my support team and councillor being proud of me when I made it to 48 days with gambling. And I told my councillor that I believed I could do this, keep on the straight!

3 weeks ago I began feeling the utter desperation of my finances again, and I searched the web for an online casino that I wasn’t self excluded from and kept singing up until one let me in. The desperation grew per deposit, knowing that I was so close to losing almost every cent I had to my name. And the more that desperation grew, the more I have lost. Again.

It’s all gone.

I woke up with a massive anxiety attack a short time ago and it’s 3am here in New Zealand. I went straight into my casino ac***** and requested an immediate self exclusion ban. As always, the casino were excellent in acting quickly without any push back and it all starts again. How did I let this happen again??? I’ve just lost the deposit on my first home that I know will take me many years to try and save back. I’m in tears, haven’t been sleeping for weeks, and too ashamed to be honest with my group and councillor and feel utterly alone.

Not a single person in my personal world knows I’m struggling and the shame I feel once again is overwhelming. The anxiety is crippling. The gamble-free ***** should now be at 2.5 months but it’s reset back to zero and I start all over again.

God I want this pain to stop. I want to get my life back on track but I’m now considering pulling out of my financial training programme so that I don’t have to disclose to my advisor that I’ve just lost everything. I promised her last time that my last losses were the last and she said she wouldn’t help me anymore if they weren’t.

Rock bottom, hello again. I’m not sure how many more tears I can cope with after 8 years of trying to rebuild my life post accident which has led me to gambling. I truly hate myself right now, but am grateful I have somewhere at least to unload the grief

[JesterRace]

I lasted just a bit over two months myself, and much the same as you, I kept seeking out online casinos to find one I hadn’t self excluded from. And that wasn’t easy, I’ve excluded from A LOT. I don’t understand how it happened – I felt a bit smothered with finances and it happened almost on auto pilot mode.

I had a big loss last month, and another pretty sizeable loss yesterday, effectively undone all my hard work repairing my finances up until now. It sucks, I feel pretty S**t about it but I keep reminding myself, it’s not the end of the world, It’s time to refocus, get back on the wagon, day 1 again. We gotta keep on trying,

Is there anybody in your personal life you would consider opening up about this too? It’s a big relief getting it out, whether on this forum or with someone you know, that said I know it’s not easy, telling my friends was one of the hardest things I’ve done, and I’ve been too ashamed to tell them about this little relapse , although I know I will once the dust has settled a little. You should consider telling your group and councillor at least dude, it’ll be hard but nothing but good will come from it.

Either way, you’re not alone, far from it – all of us on this forum are in it together. Are you with me for Day 1 here? Let’s put our best foot forward.

[Pie]

Jester, right when I needed you you are there. Thanks so much for your reply and also your honesty regarding how you are doing. 

While it hurts my heart to hear your very familiar story with your recent relapse, and I’m gutted for you too, it makes me feel not alone and realise that having a support network is essential is helping us become gamble free and for good. 

I managed to get some sleep after requesting for yet another self exclusion last night. Just like the last time I felt a huge sense of relief knowing that that particular account has now been dealt with. Back to the drawing board with my finances. I know if I work bloody hard and go without a few more things (like dating someone I’ve recently met who lives in a different city), then I should be able to re-save the 10k I’ve just lost in these last 3 weeks. Time to pull my finger out and get my life back under control!!!

You are right, the pressure of not having anyone I know in my daily life know what I’m going through is too much. I’ve tried to reach out to my best friend to tell him a few times as he was the one who knew about my windfall. But he never replies now as his new partner doesn’t want him having female friends and I don’t want to push to have him HAVE to listen. I want someone who WANTS to listen. 

I have dinner tonight with a couple of friends who are husband and wife who also knew about my win. She made me promise a year ago that I would never gamble again so I’m not sure if I would have the strength to face her judgement if I told her. I’ll see how dinner goes tonight. I’m not well, I’ve lost weight, my eyes are full of exhaustion and I’m pretty sure they will be able to see that I’m not myself. Perhaps they will ask? 

And after reading your words I have decided to book a private session with my councillor this week and skip the group session. I will tell him exactly what I’ve done and let tears of shame out if I need to. 

Jester, I appreciate you. We are at day one, we can both do this. Let’s do it together, I’ve got your back. We are better than this and we can kick this to the curb and truly start to excel in life, with freedom choices. 

I am with you, let’s go! 

[Steev]

Pie – you wrote: “3 weeks ago I began feeling the utter desperation of my finances again …”
and I am guessing that that was the trigger for your recent relapse.

I know my head got scrambled when I started worrying about what I had lost – I “felt” I had to do something, got fidgity, played the “should I, shouldn’t I game in my head.” It took a while before I realised that these are the early warning signs of a potential relapse and that I need to tackle them head on.

The first thing I would do is talk to someone. Better to say to someone that I know I am in danger of gambling again than to confess after the event. If I worked with a counsellor, it was often to come to a sensible plan of action on my finances that DIDN’T involve gambling. (More often it was just about “knowing” that things were tough but as long as I kept to plan I would get through.

Second was a spur to do something ANYTHING to take my mind off these self-doubts. Doing something for other people worked best. When I was in my “woe is me” phase – the attention was on ME. I needed to take the attention off myself for a little while and concentrate on someone else – even a complete stranger. My strategy was to do some voluntary work – so I helped at a club for people with dementia (serving teas and coffees – but mainly just chatting.) It also helped to put my life in perspective.
Thirdly, when I felt stronger and that I had got through the test – I treated myself. I have to admit this was mainly food, I can only tackle one problem at a time. But sometimes it was by just letting my hair down a little, (I still had some then.)

Gamblers gamble – so don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t let others judge you too harshly in the early days of your recovery. Learn from your relapses. Watch as you do less damage each time (you will still feel shit though.) Watch as the spaces between relapses grow.

I gambled again after a 3 year abstinence. In hindsight it was because I had taken too much on and wasn’t putting myself first. The gambling last a few months but was less intense than usual and with working with a counsellor on looking after myself – I was able to stop. My last few relapses only lasted a few days. I hated the feelings that they generated and the realisation that I could slip into my old life.

I hope this all helps. New Zealand is one of the few places where co-counselling happens. https://www.coco.org.nz/ I found this extremely useful and a great community to be involved with. Keep posting.

[Pie]

Hi Steev. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. You have some wonderful advice in there for me and I am truly grateful. I will work hard to take your suggestions on board and come up with some action plans when I become aware of potential triggers. Yes, my finances and the desperation I have felt for so many years are my biggest trigger and I need to put some really hard work into resolving them long term, not just believe that a quick fix will take all those problems away. I have already proven to myself that having a “sum” of money from my past win doesn’t make the past 8 years of financial struggle disappear, only puts a bandaid on it. 

I did go for that dinner last night with my two friends that I originally told about my win last year. They are husband and wife and were my absolute guardian angels throughout my accident those many years ago when my family could not be there with me. She is a bloody stroppy opinionated woman at times, who I still love dearly, so I wasn’t sure if telling her what I was going through would have been a good decision for me. I believed she would have come down on me like a ton of bricks and those two have known all I’ve gone through and seen it nearly destroy me. 

But after most of the night taking about their worlds and adventures, she asked me how my finances were going. It caught me off guard and I said without having control that they were not good. She paused and looked at me, asking if it was gambling? I broke down in tears saying yes. For the first time since I entered this dark world of gambling finally I had admitted to another human being (that wasn’t a councillor or support group) that I was struggling with gambling. 

I waited for the debate, for the harsh words, for the judgement. It didn’t come. Instead she wrapped her arms around me and I cried harder than I have since my father died years ago. They both said they were there for me, that they loved me and that they did not judge me at at all for losing the last of the money I won. I even admitted to myself that I felt relief that the money was now gone for the 18 months of pressure to get it right, use is correctly, but it was not enough to either use for my house deposit or pay my mum back. I never got it right. Now without it, I feel like I finally don’t have to deal with money that I haven’t earned, that wasn’t really mine. Crazy I know. But it’s very much how I feel. 

I got home after dinner, cried a little more, turned some music on an danced with my dog feeling freer than I had since this all began. 

I have sent my councillor an email requesting a private session this week and I will allow him into exactly where I am and what I’ve done. 

Thanks to you all for your replies. It is giving me the strength to own up to this reality and continue to push on through my recovery and regain control of my life. 

I am so thankful. And last night is one I won’t forget for a very long time.

Day 3, feeling stronger than day 2 and that’s a positive

[Steev]

A lovely post. Thanks for sharing this, I hope you can now move forwards with your recovery.

[Pie]

It’s now day 9 of no gambling, round 2.

I still am struggling to believe I lost 10k in less than 3 weeks. I feel really alone, I live alone and at times the silence and own thoughts in my head can be deafening. But I’ve done really well with my finances this week and now only have 4 days to go until my fortnightly pay. I am going with some food (just eating basics like rice and fruit, cheap), when I’m home I stay home and save my petrol to get to and from work.

And I know it will begin to get a little easier with the next couple of pays in my account. Plus I have taken on some extra freelance work in the next few weeks to help keep me afloat.

I didn’t get to see my councillor on Friday as I had hoped. He doesn’t yet know that I’ve relapsed and I felt desperate to see him and talk. But he was booked up so I have another 5 days to wait until my appointment.

Right now I feel so alone, but I can’t express how relieved I feel right now to not be currently gambling. And I really want to keep it that way.

I’m a bit lost at the moment, but believe I can get through this. I’m finally setting a little sleep and beginning to accept what I’ve just done. I want to look ahead now, looking backwards no longer serves me

[Monica1]

Just read the lovely post u shared on sherrie’s journal. Lovely analogy. Kin often talks of cracked pots and the filling of those cracks with gold a beautiful analogy.
In my last gamble I won around 3500 pounds sterling, then I put it all back in a 48 hour binge plus my rent and cleaned myself out to 0 with no income coming in. I hit destitution so I know how u feel. Over time we all lost huge amounts, to come 10,000 is a huge amount, others lost much more in binges. It has gone, when we are able to accept this firstly and then forgive ourselves for having this addiction, not asking for it, but ending up with it anyway.
And beware payday. I was lucky in some respects if you can look at it that way in that for nine whole months I had nothing. But every week with pay coming in when in action I straight away wentto gamble it as soon as it came in. So, how r u going to protect yourself when your pay comes in? What barriers do u have in place?
And u r not alone, we have all been there, that period of having nothing at all, getting by on scraps, and I also know that it will pass, as it did with me after nine months of nothing.

[Pie]

I appreciate you stopping in to leave me a message, thank you for that. 

Your question about what measures do I have in place for this week’s payday when I’m feeling so vulnerable? I am hoping there are a few things in combination that will help me through safe-guarding myself. Firstly I have self-excluded myself from the recent online casino I found with my latest relapse. And to be honest, it was not easy finding one that would accept either my bank card or email address so the self-exclusions are beginning to help. Secondly, my friends I managed to open up to last week of what I’ve been going through alone told me to message them if I don’t feel safe or feel that desperation again. And lastly, while I will have some income in my account, I live with very  little surplus and it’s all pre-allocated through my budget so I know I don’t have any room to move. 

Now that I have lost the last of my big win from last year have been feeling an overwhelming sense of relief to stop trying to protect it, make the right decisions, make it stretch places it wouldn’t stretch and the huge guilt that came with having it but feeling like I never earned it or that it was dirty money. 

I still hurt that I’ve lost it, it was my way out of my current housing situation by using it towards a deposit on a home. But I’m more determined than ever to find a way to be able to save the sum myself, and feel the huge pride in buying my home with hard work and turning my life around without luck. It’s going to take me much much longer now, but I won’t admit defeat. 

This is stressful. I know I’m not very well at the moment. The anxiety of what gambling has done to me is making me loose weight and be sleep deprived, and the loneliness I know is just a side-effect of this hideous addiction. 

I can’t wait to see my councillor this week. I really need to talk this all through. I know how disappointed he is going to be with me, and I feel the tears are finally coming. Before I damage any more of my daily relationships I know I need to let this all out and begin to work on forgiving myself and stop hating myself to be able to look at moving forward with my recovery. 

Tonight I hug my elderly dog, thankful for having a job, an income, a car that works (that I brought with my win last year), firewood to keep warm and professional help along with all of you to help me change this darkness in my life right now.

Xx pie

[Pie]

I’ve been waiting almost 2 weeks since my most recent self exclusion from an online casino for my next counselling appointment. He does not yet know that I relapsed, that I lost all my remaining money. He does not know that I am sick with anxiety again and feeling a lot of self hate.

He also doesn’t know that I was able to find the courage to tell my 2 friends who knew about my big win last year that I have a problem and am getting professional help. I’ve begun to feel like I don’t know how I am again and it’s a desperate feeling.

Tomorrow can’t come soon enough. I look forward to owning up to what I have done so that I can begin to deal with the consequences once again.

Something else that’s causing me a HUGE amount of anxiety is something I would so very love some opinions on from here. I logged into my bank about 4 days ago as I was expecting small purchases to begin bouncing before pay day. And what I saw was a large deposit from the online casino I self excluded from at the start of the month. It’s almost the entire amount that I recently lost through them. But the problem is, I didn’t win it. I have no idea what’s going on, check my emails every hour in case they have emailed to realising they have paid the wrong person but nothing. Each time my phone rings I expect it to be my bank saying there has been a mistake.

I’m sure that’s coming. I feel sick. Part of me hopes that its my money refunded because they were linked with another casino I was excluded from as a problem gambler. But another part of me is terrified to have that money sitting in my account right there without knowing why.

Could I possibly have just received an absolute life line for my recent actions and desperation? I am sure it’s just a matter of time until they contact me as ask for it back. It’s cruel, brutal almost, as I work through this range of emotions and get even less sleep waiting for that phone call.

I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t want this desperation.

[Steev]

I know that is easier said than done – but worrying will not change anything.  If you think about it – all is okay, as if they do take the money back – well you didn’t think it was yours anyway so you are no worse off.  If they don’t take the money back – then you are in a better position than you thought and I would think of it as your higher power looking out for you.

I was in a similar situation about a year ago – when I was desperate for money to pay bills and made an enquiry about a wrongly sold insurance purchase by my bank.  I had to challenge this via an ombudsman and the bank agreed to pay me out.  I was expecting a payment in the 100s – I got almost 20x as much.  I was like you – have they made a mistake, will they want the money back.  Given how much I have paid banks in interest charges I did feel that even if it was a mistake on their part I deserved to keep the amount.  Also, someone pointed out that if I used the money to pay off credit cards and they then asked for it back – I could say yes … at an amount per month that I could afford and take years over it.

As I say that happened about a year ago and to date they haven’t asked for the money back and I am now fairly certain they are not going to.  That money was desperately needed at the time and I can’t help thinking that someone / something was looking out for me.

I am sure you will feel relief after your counselling session and that you will be able to plan a way forwards for yourself.  Keep posting and letting us know how it is going … I wish you well.

[Meghna83]

Pie how are you ?

[Author]

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