2 July 2013 at 5:00 pm #1491
I would rather be about to give better news but unfortunately its not the case. A few weeks ago after a shortish stay my partner went home claiming he was needed by his son to do some work, it wasn’t the best lie i had ever heard I have to say, but apparently the money was too good to miss !! I guess it would have been if you’d gambled all your benefits 2 days before on the day you had them ( didn’t know this at the time) but never mind off he went.
2 Days later I walk into my local pub to be confronted as to his whereabouts due to the fact he had yet again conned money out of people – on the day he would have had his benefits, the excuse was he was short of money as he had not been paid from his gardening work – even I laughed at this point, gardening work !!! Interestingly his son didn’t know anything about him doing any work for him and felt he had been gambling for some time. Small little suspicions that I had put to the back of my mind now seem more apparent. He doesn’t grasp the point that people don’t like to be conned out of their money and that not everyone reacts well to it, some take great exception to it and despite several calls and texts, he has failed to sort it out. That is his problem and one he is escalating by ignoring.
Twice in rehab and seemingly not a lot learned or practiced probably I should say, i am certain he would have been given the tools and the knowledge, twice. I was further amazed to hear him on that very weekend talking to someone from the last time he was in GH saying that he hadn’t gambled, perhaps he meant in the last twelve hours I don’t know but it was an opportunity for support, missed.
Any way that’s enough about him and his gambling. I had a minor wobble but that’s about it really, and that was more for him than for me, I am doing well and have no doubt I will continue to do so. My life continues to be mad and stressful but the kids are happier, last time he was here they said I changed when he was around, at the time I couldn’t see it but now I can, he was such hard work and with the little lies creeping in, it just added to the stress of life and my bad moods.
So I am out and about not moping at home and busy at work. I know that I cannot do any of this again, why would I want to, with each incident my love for him died a little each time until there was just nothing left from my point of view. After this I know I could never feel that way about him again. How could there ever be a future with someone who just rips off everyone I know – its just embarrassing, not worth losing all my friends for and certainly not my family, they don’t see it as a reflection on me but It couldn’t go on.
My Dad always said he just robs people and then runs away hiding from what he has done and it appears he is right although it annoyed me when he first said it, my dad is rarely wrong about people and it did seem to be a bit of a theme.
So time to move on and waste no more time, I am gutted for him although very annoyed about what he has done, hopefully he will get some support and that’s as much as I can say about it. I won’t write much more as various nosy parkers will maximise the opportunity for a good gossip as usual and I have things to do.
Not more to say really, sad I know but many things come to an end or hopefully a new start. I am going for a week end away with the boys so that should be interesting if not eventful. My oldest continues to do well and is off on his holidays soon. Middle one has had his introduction day at college ready to start in September he is studying law, history, business and economics at A level so finally all is well there. Youngest has won an art prize which did actually make me sob as he came so close to being excluded from school, it was really emotional to see him doing well or better than well.
So at least the only tears have been over good stuff, so all in all a mixed few weeks but going forward. Will update soon, I was beginning to feel a little fake in posting to other people and saying nothing much about me !!
JennyWe see things not as they are, but through how we are today x2 July 2013 at 6:28 pm #1492moniqueParticipant
Hi Jenny. I have just ‘popped in’ and seen this. I have not much time right now, but wanted to say Hi and that I can feel the weariness and sadness about what has happened. But also I see your strength and determination to carry on with your own life in a positive and productive way. Great news about they boys. I might get back to write more later, but for now I send you all my best wishes. Love, Monique.3 July 2013 at 11:24 am #1493velvetModerator
Shortest post from me ever – well done on starting his thread, I appreciate how difficult it must have been to write
6 July 2013 at 7:22 pm #1494looby looParticipant
Hope you and the boys enjoy the weekend together, eventful or not x It is sad that he still cannot grasp ‘recovery’ after 2 attempts at GH ! I am sure we will never understand it (wanting to or otherwise)….How could we ? I read in your post continued strength and determination going forward in YOUR life and that is so great to read. Keep on keeping on and you will go far. Your boys achievements in their schooling are credit to you. So glad to see you post, even though I know how hard that is to do. xxEveryone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo8 July 2013 at 12:54 pm #1495
Thank you for your replies, i’m doing well, had a great weekend with the boys leaving not a lot of time to dwell really on all things negative. I guess I missed him a little but I think that’s more because of the amount of time I used in a day on that relaitionship, when its not there any more it leaves a gap. Sadly it is not because I am missing anything else about it, least not the lies and the distrust. I have way too much going on to keep my mind busy as usual so any moments of madness have been just that – madness.
Looby, I think some people just never get it i’m afraid but I take my hat off to those that do, who knows there is hope for him yet but it will be his hope and not mine. I guess I would hope for him but not hope for us, its time for me to leave all that behind now.
So all in all things remain good and positive, loads to do, no tears and a future to plan – I will be busy !! or busier I should say, but a lot less stressed already
Jenny xWe see things not as they are, but through how we are today x9 July 2013 at 6:00 am #1496looby looParticipant
Jenny, there will always be HOPE and it may happen, it may not. I am glad you can see that your life can continue and that the hope is there for him possibly to succeed one day in the future. Yes those in recovery have to be commended for their determination. Wishing you a bright, sunny day. Everyone has a destiny, it's up to us whether we choose to follow it though !Looby Loo9 July 2013 at 2:19 pm #1497sosadParticipant
I’m so sorry that things have not worked out for you either. You sound very strong in your posts though – for that I am glad and it inspires me as well.
I appreciate your post on my thread and your well wishes. You made me laugh when you said…"except a further future of misery and false hopes and promises, lies and deception (sorry was going on a bit there)" (*hugs*)…it’s so true and when I look at it with the logical part of my brain that is not my heart which is still sadly attached – it seems ludicrous to me to have made any other decision for myself right now. That is not to say I don’t have moments of ‘madness’, as you mentioned above, which for me right now look like thinking about calling him – aggggg!! NO NO NO. I will be sticking around for at least sometime longer as I still need support – my emotions are all over the place and my brain can still get kinked up as you can see by my madness moment above…and also to hopefully offer some measure of support to others that I just haven’t really felt up to in these past months as I mostly felt helpless myself.
I too have hope for him – it seems impossible not to have that for someone you love so much – that he really will see the light – although for how many ***** I have heard that he has ‘seen the light’ and how bright it was this time – it’s a wonder we both aren’t flippin’ light blind by now.
Here’s to many more happy stress free days!10 July 2013 at 11:43 am #1498velvetModerator
My CG has always said that you can’t save ‘em all and I am sorry to say he is right.
You have certainly been led a dance – I felt your highs and your lows as you progressed along.
The rehab can only help those who really want to change. You have tried so hard, he has had so many chances. So much energy has been wasted trying to give him what he said he wanted but obviously he didn’t want it enough.
The focus has now to be on you and your boys.
This time Jenny – you have to be stronger than you have ever been before. You are vulnerable – all non-CGs who expend so much energy trying to give their loved one a life in control of their addiction find it hard to really let go. You have given him opportunity upon opportunity, he has been through rehab twice and still he continues to allow his addiction control of his life. I cannot tell you what to do, as you so well know, but in my opinion you should really batten down the hatches this time, put the shutters up, jump the sinking ship, call it a day, throw in the towel and any other method of self-preservation.
It would be great to believe that the addiction had finished meddling with your life but he does appear to be on a length of elastic and I know how convincing he is.
Jenny ‘if’ he tries to re-enter your life, please use this forum and groups – you are worth so much more than all the rotten treatment you have had. I will never judge, I couldn’t begin to – I know what the addiction sounds like knocking at the door.
Some people don’t every get it – we have Twilight’s father to teach us that. In my opinion you have given enough BUT if you feel any weakening of your resolve come back and talk.
Healing takes time – it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life. I have had to heal from a few things in my life and sometimes it feels the pain will last for ever. The only person that can change our life is ourselves and we do it by living for today and enjoying the wonderful things that are in our lives – yes even grotty teenagers. Recovery can only be one day at a time but the days do add up and one day the thing that we thought would destroy us becomes a distant memory.
By the way if you want to write – ignore the nosey parkers. Anyone who wishes to turn your story into malicious gossip has never understood what a person has experienced living with the addiction to gamble – so their opinions will never be worth listening to.
Support others only if you feel ready for it or walk away from this site and know that you have done well – you have been a terrific supporter to many, including me.
I wish you and your boys so much happiness.
11 July 2013 at 11:25 am #1499
Thank you all so much for your rep***s, they are received with gratitude and are a reinforcement to what I am thinking. I guess the best way to put it is that I know and feel more importantly that I just don’t love him any more, not in the way that I would want to or need to for things to ever stand a chance again between us with changes or otherwise.
Its just not there any more and that won’t change for me and I think he will know that to. When I said there is hope for him but not for us, I meant exactly that I would like to think that he will change his life and we know that he could if he wanted to enough, but I no longer want to be a part of his life or him to be a part of mine. It is a different feeling than before and one that ****** him out even if he works for a recovery.
Its not so hard to let go now that I have more fulfilling things in my life that I have worked so hard to achieve and that are giving me focus and direction in my life – like my boys. I am already more happy than sad although I have no doubt that sadness can linger a while.
I can make plans without fear of the next bombshell or worrying about the ***** of others and how I need to respond or react to the next crisis. I can have friends without it crossing my mind that he may try to get money from them etc etc .
I no longer question my own be***fs or manage my own distrust or scepticism as to what I am being told, is there a recovery or isn’t there. What is a *** and what is the truth, I just don’t have to think it or think in that way now and the re***f is enormous.
Going back for a moment for the last time I think the real killer for me was a few months ago when he had returned home and then said that he was depressed this escalated in to him saying that he was suicidal. Immediately afterwards he turned off his phone and I started to panic despite good advice and my own better instincts. Some days later it got the better of me and I contacted the police who tracked him down and yes he was fine or should I say not dead. I had very nearly worried myself into an early grave and it made me physically ill as it was on top of a load of other stuff I had going on.
He was just too selfish to send a text, a call just to say I’m ok. It was all a ruse or probably the symptom of a gambling episode. The fact that he was willing to do this was the beginning of the end for me. I don’t want a relaitionship where one can do that to another for any reason. I be***ve it was quite a calculated move on his part and I did not feel quite the same again about things.
I am vulnerable and the hatches are down – but just to him and other dubious characters. He has made me a stronger person although this would not have been his intent I dare say. I also have some hatches to open – carefully !!
I think the sad moment for me was coming across the mask of himself that he made in GH which he wanted me to have, it was weird in the sense that I thought at first – yeah !! I really never knew who you were either. It was one of my most treasured possessions and has the ability to turn into something that I feel a strong urge to poke with a very large pin. I sat him on my dressing table, glared at him, thought about throwing him away and noticed that even the mask can look different from different angles and at different ***** dependent on my own ***** or feelings at the time, so he is currently confined to the memory box in danger of being transferred to the ‘too difficult’ box at least he is no longer appearing to observe me ( I hope that doesn’t sound like I’ve finally lost the plot ).
Not going anywhere for a while !!
We see things not as they are, but through how we are today x11 July 2013 at 10:03 pm #1500twilight16Participant
I think now you can really move on as you have done everything you could. You bent backwards for him, you supported him and trusted him again and now with the door shut you can live the life you desire. No more worries, no more wondering what he is doing, no more paranoia and shameless threats. Of course, this was not how you wanted things to end but now that it has there are really no regrets on your part. We all want that happy ending, saving the relationship we are in, but some ***** happy endings are when we walk away from an unhealthy relationship. Whether the person is a cg or not, if they continue to do things that are not acceptable and hurtful and deceitful why should we stay?
I believe it is inevitable to fall out of live with someone when they keep repeating the same things the same wrongs, the heartache and disappointment we feels, somehow claims a piece of love and soon the love and respect is gone. We actually can’t go back, we can’t get that love back.
As Velvet has mentioned, my father is the example of one who never seeked recovery and there are millions of him out there. Many who continue to live with the addiction, listening to its demands, conning and deceiving family and friends, not caring that their last dollar will go on a bet instead for a piece of candy for their child, their only life line is the addiction.
Hope you are enjoying your days with your sons and friends, laughing and doing things that you love. Reading a good book, going for walks, or a jog and most importantly being happy, and being free from worries. You deserve it! Life is way to short to settle for anything else.
(I believe we get our greatest strength from the hardest obstacles)12 July 2013 at 12:53 pm #1501ellParticipant
***** my dear jenny
Hope is always in front of us. I m reading your post and I can see the strength and the determination for a new life with no lies and gambling. You can have everything you want now jenny. You can fix a peaceful life with your great sons.
I know that when you are breaking a relationship it is hard (I had a divorce in the past- now im in my second marriage). I also know that the light of a peaceful life is in front you. Take your big breath and move on jenny. You have already given so much for his recovery. You are now a strong and wise woman. You can do whatever you want with your life. Don’t regret anything jenny just keep going and you will feel free soon. I admire your strength and thank you for helping me so many ***** with your posts. Your support to me is something I will not forget.
With all my love ell
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