3 May 2018 at 6:40 pm #6265JohannaParticipant
Hi everyone, I just joined to try to get a handle on the situation I think I am in, things don’t add up and reading the posts on this site from everyone (thanks especially to Velvet), I really think I’m with a CG. We’ve been together about 2 1/2 years. We live about a 3 hour drive away form each other, usually he come and stays with me as he doesn’t work and I do but we keep our own places. About a year ago, while I was on holiday, I left him with 10K to pick up a car for me. when I got back no car, no money, he owed up and said he’d blown it all at a casino, which blew my mind as it is a horrifying thing for me.
Since I’d met him he’d been bad with money, never had any, was living with a friend, etc., after this incident over a year ago, I told him I needed to see him putting his life and finances together. he doesn’t earn a lot and I am very comfortable financially (I’ve worked hard for that), anyway, since he got his new flat last year, every month I’ve been asked to pay his rent as he had some bill or other, or some emergency. We did a legal contact for the money which he asked more on the agreement, he is now over that. I didn’t feel right with him at the beginning of the year, he can have mood swings and doesn’t seem to like the fact that I have close family and friends, (yet he can be amazing too). Anyway I ended the relationship to give myself more space for a while. We got back 6 weeks, ago and he told me he was doing really good with money, had paid his own rent, etc., Then last week, he has ‘some problem, some insurance took money from his account, he had to repay his daughter or she would take him to court, he borrowed money from friends last week to pay her some, then told me today that when he was dropping off my car he was close to a lawyer he owed money too and chose to pay him thinking that I would pay his rent. Only I had decided that I was not going to pay his bills and rent anymore, as he earns enough.
I’m sure you all know the type of conversation, he was respectful, but hurt, I told him I loved him and didn’t care about paying for our lives together, or holidays etc., but I would no longer pay his rent or bills and he had to sort that out himself, and I was worried he was gambling. Then he said no, I went to the casino when I dropped the car off to extend my exclusion order I took out last March (he said you had to renew it every 6 months).
All this doesn’t add up, he has the income to afford his rent and bills, etc., but only paid his rent the months I finished with him. Then it seems as soon as ‘we are good’ again, I’m expected to start picking up his rent etc., we were to go on holiday and he’s suggesting he can’t go on a holiday I booked for us as he feels bad. He’s at the same time being accepting but tugging my heart strings emotionally, as he owes to people I know and it’s like I share the guilt of him not paying them back and how he feels about that. He says he is not gambling, he did the exclusion as an extra support.
It doesn’t seem to feel right, but I don’t know if he is telling me the truth or not. Is this the ‘last time’ I would pay money for him? (I have to say he has not said before that it was the “last time”, only that ‘this thing came up…’ Do I believe him? How far do you go? How do you know if they are gambling or not?3 May 2018 at 10:11 pm #6266velvetModerator
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
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You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team3 May 2018 at 11:41 pm #6267velvetModerator
I wish I could tell you something different but all the signs point to your boyfriend being a CG.
The expression you used that jumped out of your post was that ‘things don’t add up’ – this is often the point when F&F begin to recognise that something is out of control. At this point many F&F decide to stick their heads in the sand and hope the problem will go away so I am really glad that you have recognised that matters are running away with you and you want to know what is going on so you can make the right decision for you.
Sadly ‘your need’ for him to put his life together is probably not ‘his need’ at the moment – he probably feels that ‘his need’ is to gamble and as long as he can pull the wool over your eyes he will be hopeful that he can continue indulging his addiction without consequences.
I have no doubt that your boyfriend can be amazing. CGs can be wonderful but unfortunately mired in addiction they can do horrendous damage. I would be doing you a disservice Johanna if I didn’t tell you that unless he faces his demons and seeks help, his addiction will take you all the way to the bottom with him – if you allow it.
I think it is always safer not to believe an active CG thus avoiding disappointment because the chances will be strong that he will not be telling the truth. His latest ‘problem’ shows him wanting to borrow from you to pay his daughter, lawyer and friend when it is very possible that he told them he has to repay you. I suspect that all the time he is getting others to clear his debts; he is chasing his losses by gambling and thereby increasing his debt.
I am sure he was hurt and sorry when you said you were not going to pay his bills but I think it would be wise to consider why he was hurt and sorry – a CG is full of sorrow and remorse when he cannot get enablement.
I am going to leave this first reply there Johanna as it is late. Unfortunately I am away now for 3 days but I will look out for you on my return. If you decide that you want to support your boyfriend then I will gladly support you – I do know he can control his addiction but I know it takes great courage for him to do so and you will need courage too.
I do understand what it is like to have your heart strings pulled and I also know the heartbreak the addiction to gamble can cause. Please keep posting, there are things you can do to protect yourself and ways that you can support him if you want to go on.
Well done writing this first post, it can’t have been easy
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