17 July 2011 at 2:30 am #2537daddaParticipant
Hi, I posted my (long) intro and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. I have just realized during the last week that the addiction has basically taken over my husband’s whole personality. I can’t reach him and it is bent on destroying me, getting rid of me, thinking that will help. He has been having an affair, lying, spending money frivolously. Our daughters live here with me, he lives next door for 7 months now with his mother (and I know that’s where the problems STARTED. If he had other coping skills, he’d be using those instead of destroying everything good in his life). Our daughters come back angry with me. It was messing with my mind (and still does) but I realized that he’s lying to them to distract attention from himself and the things he refuses to be accountable for. I also realize that his technique is to sweet-talk, cajole; if that doesn’t work, he’ll get vicious. Come to realize, too, that me and our daughters are the only ones in the world that sees that part of him.
Why is it that when it’s to the point of financial destruction to the family and blatant emotional/other abuse, you can’t get any help? How am I supposed to keep my cool? If this continues unabated, he’ll end up succeeding in his quest to make me look like a nut. No, but a rational person can’t deal with any of this unless they know which bills are and aren’t being paid…he came over the other week and smashed the dehumidifier because it would "run up the electric bill". I just figured out after I started coughing up blood that there is mold circulating through the air vents from the basement. Our kids have been sick. During this past winter, he stalked off halfway through helping me change my brakes (which I’ve only done once before). He never came back and I finished up. We had an ice storm that I had to work through. It hit me that it isn’t phasing him that his actions could hurt or kill one or more of the people he supposedly loves. When his affair got discovered last summer, I cried and he got mad, took off to a motel and wouldn’t respond to calls or e-mails. He’d promised our daughter she could use his car to go to work the next morning, so she was mad, wouldn’t listen to me and took off in a rage in her grandmother’s van (which I had called his mother and asked her not to let her take it). Finally, during an afternoon after he’d first filed, she was acting strangely and wanted to take my car. It was our only vehicle at the time, so I offered to take her wherever. She got mad and refused. Later, she came down the hall after me and I was blocked into a corner. I put up my hands to ward off blows and we both went tumbling onto the fireplace. There was a good deal of smashed glass. Instead of acknowledging that the situation is stressing out our kids (and me!) he tried to get an emergency custody order, stating I was abusing our daughter. I’ve actually come to the point of being afraid to hold them accountable for even simple things, like helping to clean up the house. I’m getting sick and can’t keep up with it all, plus I know I’m not doing them any favors that way. They’ve both taken off in the last 24 hours. I asked, at the beginning of the week, that we ALL clean the house for say, an hour-and-a-half, then barbecue. I’ve been blown off all week. Now they are using the same tactics, blaming me for their refusal to keep their word, because I finally brought it up when one daughter strolled in at 2am with a couple of friends and I said, finally, they had to go because of the attitude she was giving and the fact she wasn’t taking responsibility. Then the other got mad after she asked what happened and I told her (she tells me I was "trying to start stuff").
Yes, I’m in counseling, just joined a support group, etc. but I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. The only way to get away is if I blow off the debts I have and at the moment, I’d still be squeaking by. How can I handle this short-term to get to the part where it supposedly gets better?
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