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    • #76387
      apatterson
      Participant

      My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now, living together 4 and 1/2. A little over a year ago was the first time he admitted he had a gambling problem. I knew something was going on, it was weeks, going on months of one reason after another that he wasn’t getting paid. He does construction and there would always be the excuse that the boss had to wait for the checks to clear, the job wasn’t done yet etc, etc, giving only a very minimal amount here and there for bills, just to suffice me a little longer. He came clean with his problem, blaming it on the fact that he had to drive past the casino everyday to go to work, which was true. He told me that he would be gambling and would always have the thought in his head that if he just gambled a little more, it would finally pay off big. He ended up quitting that job to show me that he wanted to quit gambling. He got a different job that took him nowhere near the casino, at least very rarely. He started handing over his whole check to me and I would give him limited amounts to get what he needed through the week. He was doing well with this for a while, then he started giving less and less over the last couple months when he cashed his checks. There was always a reason, he was saving for this or that, car repairs mostly. He even told me he paid off a $1500.00 debt he had. He worked for weeks on a side job with his boss and got a huge bonus that I never seen any of and he does a side job of his own that he was actually in debt to the guy because he was borrowing money from him, borrowing from friends, even his son. All the while, I am taking care of the bills all the time, he doesn’t even see them, which may need to change. He may need to see the money that has to go out every month for everything. IDK. Not to mention all that lies that are told. The reasons for not having money. The thoughts in my head of, I can never trust where you say you are because now I know, you’ve lied numerous times about where you’re at to cover for where you really where, the casino. You played me for a fool. You took advantage of me. You betrayed me.
      Then I’m left with the feeling that he is a good guy otherwise. He is attentive and affectionate. He is great with his kids and mine. He works hard at work and at home. He has recently told me though that he doesn’t know if he can stop, if he’ll ever change his ways. I know only he can do it ultimately and I feel like he may be saying that to get sympathy as he knows currently, I am really upset with him and don’t even want to look at him. He will say in the next breath, he wants to be better and have something to show in life, have a savings and be able to have financial security. Thank god all of my accounts are in my own name so he hasn’t been able to touch those but doing everything on my own financially, there are no savings. He is offering once again to sign over his paychecks. Not even cash them. I feel like, since his boss and coworkers are like brothers, he’s borrowed from them, that I or we should have a conversation with them about the extent of his problem and ask that they not enable in any way. His boss already knows there’s a problem, just not the extent. Maybe even his son that he borrowed money from. I’m lost, broken and don’t know what to do. I honestly don’t know if he’ll take help, I sent a link to this app and told him I signed up for it. I hope he will but it may take me sitting with him through sessions to make sure he is doing it. So then comes added feelings of having to hoover over everything he says or does to make sure he is being honest and following through and do I want to have to do that?
      Sorry for the long winded post. It certainly did help just to get my thoughts, feelings out.

    • #76391
      Dunc
      Keymaster

      Hello
      Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
      Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
      Read about the friends and Family Online Groups
      Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
      If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
      You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
      We look forward to hearing all about you!
      Take care
      The Gambling Therapy Team

      PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

    • #76440
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hello apatterson

      It is so hard when you know something is wrong and you don’t know what it is, so although his gambling problem is scary at least you are aware and can protect yourself and hopefully point your boyfriend in the right direction. I hope you will continue posting and getting your thoughts out.

      Lies are your boyfriends coping mechanism at the moment. He doesn’t know why he can’t gamble like other people and he will be lying to cover his confusion and misery, hoping he can get away with continuing to gamble without detection. Unfortunately, if the problem isn’t accepted and help sought the problem will get bigger as will the lies.

      Well done giving him the link to this site. Our helpline, ‘gambler only’ groups facilitated by Charles and our forum will all welcome him and understand him – all he has to do is register. He will be anonymous, so he has nothing to lose but everything to gain.

      Facing a gambling addiction and thinking what life will be like without it is very frightening to a gambler; he may well ask for time and make excuses until the cows come home rather than face his demons. It takes courage and determination but if he can summon those then a gamble-free life can be his – I know or I would not be here writing to you.

      The intervention that you envisage between your boyfriend, his boss his co-workers and you is possibly an excellent idea provided that everyone understands that it is not about reprimanding or threatening. It must be calm and non-judgemental. A gambling problem is only, about the actual ‘gamble’, money is merely the tool necessary to achieve that goal. Your boyfriend neither asked for, nor wanted this problem; he couldn’t have known when he first gambled that misery and failure would be his lot.

      I am sure he does want to be better and I can understand his fear that he might not be able to stop but you can reassure him that he is far from alone. It would not surprise me if he doesn’t actually like the man he has become. I personally know many gamblers who have changed their lives and who live really happy gamble-free lives – possibly even better for having taken on this destructive foe and learned to control it.

      It is ok to tell his that whatever it takes you will walk beside him but it is important that you know that you cannot stop him gambling, that is something he has to want to do for himself.

      I have no problem with believing your boyfriend is a good guy but he does have a problem that is far from good.

      When he learns to control his problem then trust can eventually follow, so turn around and look at your boyfriend again, he is the same man you have loved for years, the difference is that your eyes have been opened to a problem that neither of you recognised, understood or deserved.

      Velvet

      • This reply was modified 3 years ago by velvet.
      • This reply was modified 3 years ago by velvet.
      • This reply was modified 3 years ago by velvet.
      • #76451
        apatterson
        Participant

        Hi,
        Thanks for replying. I honestly do not feel like he will pursue any help. He’s not the type. He’s since started moving things out, he’s told me he doesn’t know if he can change and he doesn’t want to let me down again, he doesn’t want me to bring me down with him. I don’t want him here either if he can’t even promise to make an effort. But then again, if he did promise to make an effort, can I live with not having trust in him? I think the fact that he is so much like my dad was, a hard worker and he and my Mom were so happy but, he was also a liar, nothing ever huge but still…..I loved my dad he’s recently passed, I met my boyfriend while my dad was battling his cancer. That’s a tie that feels binding. He was so happy for me/us, when he was on his deathbed, he made a point to state that. But, I also know he wouldn’t want to to put up with any BS.

    • #76463
      velvet
      Moderator

      Hi Apatterson

      There is no specific type when it comes to a serious gambling problem, it might be that your boyfriend is just not ready to change his life – yet. Sadly, sometimes a gambler has to be really hurt by his own behaviour before he will summon up the courage to face his problem but all you have said to him about support will, hopefully, resonate with him on some level in the future and he will choose to act.

      Promises from active gamblers are best ignored, even with the best intentions your boyfriend is best not trusted at this present time.

      Your boyfriend has shared a difficult time of your life with you and that is something you can value but it is important that you do not allow it to cloud your judgement.

      I obviously do not know if your boyfriend can change any time soon but I do know that all help given to gamblers regarding available support can and often does, make a difference eventually.

      I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me, I would not plead with him to stay. His addiction would almost certainly get a boost if he stayed on the wrong terms.

      I wish you well

      Velvet

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