7 January 2017 at 6:20 am #5225PontyParticipant
Hi to anyone who reads this,
I’m new to the forum and am hoping to get some advice – I don’t really know where else to turn to.
My husband, a problem gambler, has not gambled in over a year. For the first two and half years of our marriage he had a problem with casino gambling (roulette and black jack). It was devastating and nearly destroyed our marriage.
But now he’s been in recovery for over a year. He’s going therapy and is working hard on gaining my trust back.
Recently his was invited to friend’s house for a guys’ poker night. Nothing big, just a few friends playing cards. However, it was a $10 buy in. Hubby told me about the invite and asked what I thought about him going. I said I would let him use his judgement on whether to go or not. To be honest I wasn’t comfortable at all with him going but I’ve been reading up on co-dependency, detachment, etc. and thought it would be best to not try and control him.
Also, further background info: at one point we were seeing a therapist together and I asked the therapist about gambling situations like these and his opinion was that they didn’t necessary pose the same problem as the type of gambling hubby was engaging in. I disagreed. I thought my husband should refrain from any type of gambling. But I’m not the professional.
My husband decided to go to the poker game. The whole night I was anxious and wishing he hadn’t gone. I ended up texting and telling him I was uncomfortable and wanted him to come home. He did right away.
What are your thoughts on this? I’m afraid if I come out and say I don’t want him to do any sort of gambling that he won’t be honest with me the next time someone invites him to play poker or the next time someone asks him to wager on a round of golf.
But I also don’t want to stand by and watch him participate in something that might ruin all the progress he’s made.
I’m so confused!
Thanks in advance 🙂7 January 2017 at 11:47 am #5226velvetModerator
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team7 January 2017 at 11:58 am #5227velvetModerator
You did fantastically well allowing him to use his own judgement when your gut must have been screaming please say ‘no’.
I agree with you completely over the therapist’s opinion. You don’t have to be a professional to see danger.
I am delighted he returned when you said you were uncomfortable.
I cannot tell you what to do and in any case I think you already know the answers to your questions – the hard bit is acting on what you believe to be right. Many moons ago my CG (who lives in control of his addiction) told me that ‘testing’ an addiction/gambling problem is not accepting a real and present danger.
The addiction to gamble must, I believe, always start with fun – nobody would ever start if they knew that addiction was to be the outcome of what appeared to be a harmless pastime. If there is a problem it is often overlooked as ‘just a bit of bad luck’ but problems can become addictions and I think my question to your husband would be ‘was it worth the risk?’
I suggest you talk to your husband exactly as you have written in your post and maybe pose the thought that the evening that was supposed to be for fun could have been the start of a roller-coaster ride that didn’t have a good ending.
I don’t think you are confused – you are making sense – well done.
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