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    • #13108

      Where/Who am I?
      I have an interview tomorrow with an organization that wants me to help people help themselves.  I have experienced so many things in my life and have been trained to do this then why am I so scared?  Well it’s clear to me that the reason I am having doubts is that I am still living in the problem.  I have spent the morning reflecting on my previous decisions and came to realize that although I do not gamble every day I still have the “sick mind” and unless I make some changes that make sense to me my life will continue to be what it is.  I really have not made any real changes that I can be proud of and I have not made any amends to anyone for a long time. 
      When I went to GA initially I was so proud of myself for stepping up to the plate and admitting that I was screwed up but that’s all I did.  When it came to making amends I made some small ones but now I am faced with the realization that I have made even more mistakes and hurt more people because of my gambling than the first time around and still have the guilt and shame to prove it.  No matter where I hide my BS follows.  I have lived a pretty ****ty life because of my own doing and I have lived a great life by my own doing.  So the bottom line is that I am going to try again to be the person that I can be proud of. 
      My truth is that gambling has created so many problems in my life, but gambling is just the vehicle I have chosen to self destruct with, but in reality it could have been any of the hideous addictions out there.   The bottom line is that I have a problem with me and how I perceive me and the only one that can change me is ultimately me! 
      For years I have tried to understand why I chose to gamble, and I know now that it is because I don’t like myself and believe I do not deserve a good life.  If I did like myself then I would not have chosen to be so self destructive. I know that I have never intentionally set out to hurt anyone, but because of my previous actions I have and that is something I will have to live with but I do not have to be defined by it.  The past is the past and if I am willing I can chose to live in the present!
      I will start this journey again by believing that I am a good person with a good heart and have been blessed by many…God don’t make junk! 
      Thank you for listening!
      GOD, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things that I can, and WISDOM to know the difference.  Written by Reinhold Niebuhr

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