- This topic has 35 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by p.
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16 November 2015 at 10:38 am #31429izzi25Participant
Gambling is the pits! I HATE IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY VERY BEING! Oh how I wished I could turn the clock back on this addiction and stop it in its tracks. But I don’t even know if everything I knew now I knew then would have changed anything. After all its the lies and the fantasy of it all that got me hooked. But it was my broken childhood that paved its way that led me to want to escape. Maybe I was doomed after all, but I can’t use that as an excuse anymore, because I am still allowing it to doom ,me.
I made it about 7 months clean, got completely doubt of debt and even had a couple thousand saved. And then I found myself in a pokies venue, months later with all my savings gone and from zero debt to 25,000 in debt I am holding on by a thread.
I feel like I wake up everyday from a nightmare only to realise its a reality. For goodness sake I am a 33yo woman, who can’t even afford to move out of home because she keeps making bad choices. And I just wish I could go back change something, do something but I can’t. So each day I deal with the inner destruction of my outer workings. Today I am three weeks clean and instead of rejoicing and being proud I think; “Izzi you idiot!”.I am about to enter into a new season in my life and I am doing all I can to ensure I don’t fail, I can’t fail. The stupidity of it all, I know what cg does I have watched it consume me over the years. It’s ruined relationships. health, finances and so much more and yet I let it feed me. But I decided I would rather starve and be a poor person, then risk it all to be a millionaire. Because I have lost so much already and I cant afford to lose more. Tomorrow seems daunting and I don’t know how to continue doing life day by day with these regrets hanging over me. All I know is that somehow, somewhere in the future life wont be like this for me.
That is my hope, for now its working.
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16 November 2015 at 12:53 pm #31430maverick.Participant
Izzy, Its good to see you here, this addiction will take everything from us but you already know that, there are so many things I wish I could have changed and done differently but I cant change the past, we cant change what we have done, the past is in the past and we should try and let it stay there or it will haunt are future.
I believe things happen in life for a reason (I dont always know what the reasons are but thats what I believe) and sometimes we go through tough times in life and when we look back at it I also believe it makes us stronger/better people (as long as we learn from our mistakes), I am also a compulsive gambler and have lost enough money to feed a third world country for a year, I have also lost time, love, respect, trust, friendship, family, memories, jobs………………but just for today I work at getting it all back, well everything bar the money, I see the money lost as paying for experiances in life and in truth if we were not going to be in the world tomorrow what do we need the money for!!!!!!
Really well done on 3 weeks gamble free I know how hard it can be to stay gamble free for just one day, I hope you can learn to forget the past and start loving yourself, you are really young and have your whole life ahead of you, gambling destroys lives and no good will ever come from it……..I am said to say it took me many years to realise that.
My very best to you in your life and recovery, keep sharing and let people know how you feel, its good to get things out in the open, no one should judge………..you show me the perfect person and I will show you a liar.
Take care my friend and hope this finds you well.
Maverick (Lee)
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16 November 2015 at 10:02 pm #31431charlesModerator
Hello Izzi and welcome back.
Well done on three weeks gamble free. During your previous gamble free time what support were you using? What support can you use now? What barriers can you put in place? It sounds like you had access to first a couple of thousand and then a lot of credit , too much access for a compulsive gambler.
Who close to you have you told about your gambling and your debts? Trying to keep things hidden can in itself send someone gambling.
You managed 7 months gamble free before and you can do it again. This time though keep using support to maintain recovery.
keep posting
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18 November 2015 at 5:33 am #31432FritzParticipant
I can relate to so many things you said here in your post. The waking up hoping it was all a dream. The dread of a new day and a new set of problems created, a hole that just keeps getting deeper.
Gambling is a huge mirage, a diabolical con job, a promise of riches and freedom from financial constraints, all of it complete rubbish. We know this and yet we go back. We know that it will destroy us emotionally yet again and still we go back. There is still this tiny glimmer of hope that maybe this time will be different, but it never is. We need to smash the illusion and get brutally honest. We need to think it through beginning to end when the first urge hits, before we go to the gambling venue. What will happen when I gamble? I will lose. What will I do then? I will get a cash advance. What then? Lose more and go into a numb stupor. Borrow more and drop that too, this time with little hope of winning. It becomes almost mechanical. Drive home in a fog and try to go to sleep with the after effects of adrenaline still running through my body. Rewinding the times when I made the wrong bet at the wrong time, remorse, sadness, despair, dread. Asking myself again and again, why? Why did you do it again?
One key for me has been to admit once and for all that I would never ever recover my losses, and to truly come to grips with that idea. Not only that, I let it go, completely. It took a long process of thinking and meditation to finally understand that it is over. Before, I felt tremendous guilt and shame and felt somehow I had to finally win and make it to even. Then I could walk away with dignity. Now I realize that getting to even doesn’t matter. It’s gone, past, done and over. We must forgive ourselves and focus on now.
My other bit of advice is turn over all money and credit to a trusted friend or family member. Get a daily allowance worked out for minor expenses. It was one of the hardest things for me to do because I was admitting my powerlessness. Very humbling, embarrassing too. But very necessary. It kept me safe, safe from debilitating relapses. Other blocks are absolutely essential as well. Do everything to prevent relapse, it takes time to “un-brainwash”.
Anyway best of luck on your recovery, and never give up!
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18 November 2015 at 8:13 am #31433izzi25Participant
Wow what you just said was everything I feel, the whole cg scenario was me almost everyday when I was in it real deep. So many things you said were spot on. Thank you for taking the time to post with me greatly appreciate it.
one day at a time.
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18 November 2015 at 8:17 am #31434izzi25Participant
My sister had access to my bank account, we worked out a budget and she could see where my money went to. But it became difficult, was affecting our relationship and because I was becoming so strong in staying clean, decided to take full responsibility back. I would not go back and give her that responsibility. Their isn’t anyone else I trust in the family either.
My bank had pre approved loans for me that is who I was able to access more money. And I had access to my savings account because I was maintaining it. Their really isn’t anyone else I can trust, will have to figure this one out. -
18 November 2015 at 8:18 am #31435izzi25Participant
hey, their are people in my life that know about cg and these debts. I also am currently seeing a counsellor who is helping me with the addiction.
Your words and encouragement are amazing, your awesome!
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18 November 2015 at 8:38 am #31436female gParticipant
I hope it grows into another 7 months of gamble free time. I lasted 9 months one time and then thought if I could do that why couldn’t I manage my gambling. So i got started again slowly at first and within limits but it didn’t last. I got into it bigger and better than ever. Now I have 30 thousand dollars of debt, that is what the Casino gave me. Even with that knowledge I would go back if I could. The only thing that keeps me away are the barriers I have in place now. I am knowledgeable and aware of more information now more than ever yet the desire to gamble is still there. I see there really aren’t big winners in the casino’s any more and I even feel I will loose before I even enter and still the urge to gamble is strong. So the ugly truth is I must not gamble and hopefully I won’t from now on. I hope it gets easier for us both from here on in. FG
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21 November 2015 at 6:41 am #31437izzi25Participant
Sometimes I wonder about whether I will ever be set free from this addiction. Where its really possible to be uprooted from its entanglement. My mind often wonders off to having to tell the next guy I have a relationship with that I have an addiction. And I see them just walking out because its all too much for them. But really how can I blame them? What would I do in the same situation, would I be like I really don’t have time for this? I want someone maybe a little bit whole? And I wonder whether this disease has rendered me alone for ever and ever.
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21 November 2015 at 3:56 pm #31438maverick.Participant
Izzi, I read your words, understand your concerns and listen to your heart, the only way “this disease will render you alone for ever and ever” is if things don’t change, many people over the years have said to me “if nothing changes then nothing changes” I take it in and understand what they are trying to say, just for today you are not alone and you are making your life better and better as each gamble free day ticks on, I promise you this……..if we work hard, stay gamble free then our lives honestly do get better and better as each day ticks by, the experiences we have had just make us stronger if we choose to learn by our mistakes.
Take care Izzi and please never feel you are ever alone, life honestly does get better, wish you well and all the very best in your recovery and life.
Maverick
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23 November 2015 at 10:34 am #31439izzi25Participant
Life sometimes feels like a game of monopoly which I can’t seem to finish, keep getting stuck in “jail” and I can’t get out! I have to believe what you are saying, it is only the way to not completely go insane and abandon myself into madness LOL.
Today I am gamble free and today marks one month. Things are starting to look up, last week of work before I move interstate to work. Trying something new and challenging. will need to encompass a lot of fears and overcome them.
I need to remember I am not alone.Thanks buddy.
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23 November 2015 at 6:08 pm #31440charlesModerator
Hi Izzy,
I can remember telling a girlfriend that i was a CG. I told her very early in our relationship. I pretty much had to or I would have had to lie to her, I would have had to make up excuses as to where I was every week when I went to GA, why I never joined friends if they were playing the slot machines in pubs etc
She is now my wife.
As you have relationships, yes you will need to tell them about your addiction but you can also tell them how you are dealing with it, the things that you have put in place to stop you gambling etc.
You are moving to a new location? Do they have GA meetings there? Will you still be able to access the support you currently use? Are there nearby casinos you can get yourself excluded from as soon as you get there? What acountability can you put in place? With on – line banking we can still be accountable even if those we are accountable don’t live in the same area.
As Maverick says, if we keep doing the same things then we keep getting the same results so, if we are struggling – what can we do differently?
Keep posting.
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24 November 2015 at 8:08 am #31441izzi25Participant
Hello,
Great advice, when I venture down that road of finding someone I like and connect with I plan on telling them.
Yes moving interstate will be living with family who know about CG. A friend who lives their told me their isnt many CG places and their is one casino and it is lame. The process for banning is different with every state so I wouldn’t even know where to begin with that one. I hadn’t planned on banning myself, as I hadn’t planned on cg. I will have limited access to getting around and limited time on my own.
The online banking thing has not worked in the past with family etc, but their are measures I can put in place such as leave card at home etc, only carry cash of what I need during the day.
Another day clean, things are becoming clearer.
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26 November 2015 at 7:29 pm #31442charlesModerator
Hi Izzy,
If that casino is lame then there is certainly no reason to not get banned from it. After all read your own previous threads – you like me have had “no plans to compulsively gamble” many times in the past.
Good moves on not carrying cash etc but remember moving forward it’s not the “CG places” that are the problem, it’s the person who compulsively gambles. That means you and me.
So use the opportunity, now while you are not planning to gamble and not in a place where you currently feel tempted, to work on recovery. Address anything that needs addressing, find other interests etc etc
Barriers and the physical inability to gamble are important of course, particularly in the early days. Their main benefit though is that they give us breathing space to work on things, put things in place so that we are less likely to either find a way around those barriers or gamble when circumstances change and you aren’t in such an isolated position.
It’s addressing those thigns that will make you less likely to gamble and an improved person. By doing that you will be in a better place for those future relationships you mentioned.
Keep posting.
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27 November 2015 at 8:30 am #31443female gParticipant
are you in the gamble free zone ??? FG
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6 December 2015 at 10:15 am #31444izzi25Participant
I moved interstate last Tuesday and arrived safe and sound. I went from living in a quiet household to living into an intense environment that consists of now three adults, two children and lots of people popping around. I am an introvert and finding myself in more need of alone quiet time, but it is rare and seldom in between. And I am just telling myself I have to adjust. Haven’t decided whether or not this decision was a good choice, however I know the experience will be worth it.
I cg on the saturday before I left to move interstate. I was completely stressed about not having enough money to spend and hold me through until I got my final pay from my job. I lost everything but did not create any more debt. It was a very careless move. I am one week clean as of today and great news is I don’t really have a vehicle and their are barely any cg places here (that I have noticed) and I have had no desire or need. In fact I am too scared to cg because I am totally screwed if I do AND I couldn’t bare my family finding out, so I won’t go there and I don’t need to. I still cant believe how intense it is here, kids get up early and its FULL on from there.
I am doing ok, gotta keep my head up and just keep going. I have many dreams I continue to fulfill while I am here.
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12 December 2015 at 6:15 am #31445izzi25Participant
Today is the 11 days since I moved interstate and it has been interesting, mostly exhausting. I am always on the go and their is always lots to do, don’t ever feel completely relaxed. It is really hard living with my brothers family, kids are crazy all the time, if the kids are asleep then the parents are up late. And I can hear the tv, footsteps, chatter, everything from my room. It has been most challenging but I am thankful for the change of scenery. As well as the fact that living with them my renter is cheaper then when I lived with my parents. My income however has also decreased which makes it hard. However I am feeling very very hopeful, believe that a great future really is possible.
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12 December 2015 at 12:42 pm #31446veraParticipant
I guess you miss the solitude Izzi.
I too, like order but I create(d) chaos when I gamble(d). Get yourself a good set of ear plugs when you need to escape from the noise!
Is this just a temporary living arrangement? -
13 December 2015 at 1:03 am #31447izzi25Participant
Yes, definitely crave the silence and solitude (sometimes.
I will need to get ear plugs for sure. This arrangement is only temporary, another three to six months at least. -
24 December 2015 at 9:03 am #31448izzi25Participant
Right at this moment it is the evening of Christmas Eve, we are about to have dinner and then the kids are going to bed soon. Some of my family are down to spend Christmas, it is nice. To be honest I feel really relieved as this year I did not gamble my christmas money and ruin the holiday as I have done so many times in the past. I brought gifts for all and I can rest easy, knowing that I can beat this addiction. I am getting close to being one month clean. I know it isn’t much, I will get there. I barely think about cg or think about how poor I am. Feeling positive and really hopeful that this will not be the end of me. I am excited about the possibilities, keep your head up all.
Have an Amazing Christmas everyone, treasure the time and remember it is the season to be Jolly. And as addicts we can say without a doubt we have a lot to be thankful for.
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24 December 2015 at 11:16 am #31449moniqueParticipant
This is a nice post to read, Izzi. Realistic, not ‘starry-eyed’, but positive, practical and full of gratitude. It’s so good you can write like this just now.
Very best wishes,
Monique -
31 December 2015 at 12:27 am #31450izzi25Participant
As a cg we are all too familiar with all the promises we make ourselves around a New Years. I remember I use to almost plead with myself and set high expectations because I had to punish myself for all the bad things that came out of cg. I would like to remind everyone who is reading this, not to be too hard on yourself. The worse thing we can do is set ourselves false expectations, that only make everything worse when we stuff up. I am about to sit down and set myself some financial goals but I am going to go easy on myself. No more punishing myself, I need to live with myself and I need to start loving myself. I am going to celebrate another year of sharing this journey with you all and for being just over one month clean (by a couple of days).
The first six weeks are always the hardest and I am currently visiting my parents. And it is hard, this whole place smells of my cg adventures. And I have found myself more then once talking myself into almost gambling. Till I asked myself, why do I need to gamble? I do not even need money, sure things are tight. But I know too well how easy it is to lose. And id rather lose in life then lose at cg.Stay strong everyone, 2016 is going to be your year.
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1 January 2016 at 9:31 pm #31451pParticipant
It is so great to read of your gamble free progress. Izzy if you can get to the chat groups here they are really helpful . I don’t post as much these days but I’m always thinking of the friends here. They are on your time early in the morning round 6am.. if you are a morning person these are great groups.. great to connect here and talk recovery.
I am glad you are safe and here is to a wonderful 2016P
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2 January 2016 at 2:52 am #31452izzi25Participant
Hi P, Happy New Year hun! it is great to hear from you, how are you going? Wow that is early, not a morning person but I might try to jump on just to check it out. Today is another day clean and even though I am spending my saturday watching netflix, it is way better then cg! I go back to work next week and looking forward to the potential doors and opportunity that can bring me. My addiction does not define me, nor the debt that comes with it, keep reminding myself of that. Stay strong my precious friend.
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12 January 2016 at 10:32 am #31453izzi25Participant
New Year clean slate and counting 🙂 thinking less and less about cg, still being careful and undertaking counselling.
Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am doing ok. Very excited about this new year 🙂
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12 January 2016 at 2:53 pm #31454veraParticipant
Great to hear you are G free so far Izzi. ‘Can’t believe we are almost two weeks into the New Year already. Just think of the damage we could have done if we had been gambling. It freaks me out just thinking about it.
Stay clean Izzi. Gambling is a “dirty” habit! Keep posting ! -
13 January 2016 at 6:16 am #31455izzi25Participant
The year is flying past it really is crazy, before I know it I will be 80 years old and hopefully cg a distant memory. Sometimes I think it is all a dream, like did I really lose lots of sleep, steal, be dishonest, lose thousands upon thousands and go into thousands dollars of debt for the hope/need to be rich, to be fulfilled? SAY WHAT?
I have too much to look forward to. Imagine I meet a really nice guy in three months I want to confidentially say look him in the eyes and say my life is on track and that cg is so 2015! (obviously I will wait a bit of time before telling him) LOL.
We ain’t got nothing but our dreams but our dreams is all we need.
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24 January 2016 at 5:12 am #31456izzi25Participant
Today I attended a birthday party of a relative someone I am close with. And I saw their “trashy and raunchy” side come out, sure it may have been some of the alcohol but I have seen it here and there without alcohol. They don’t act that way around me when it’s just us, or even speak in the manner she was today because she knows I am not like that. There have been many times where I wondered which side of her, really is her because it’s always such a contrast, almost scary. And as I watched her enjoy herself and be silly with her friends I realised that deception is in everybody. That it isn’t just a tool for a cg person to hide the truth, but everyone hides a little bit of themselves even without an addiction. They play the part they need to and I use to be hard on myself for being so deceptive. But now I realise I see it in a lot of people I know, there are also genuine real people in my life which I am thankful for. Now I am beginning to not be so hard on what I use to do, because people I am supposed to trust do it to. I hope that makes sense in some way I know that I am just ranting.
Another day clean, today might even be my 8th week mark,
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26 January 2016 at 4:41 am #31457pParticipant
Keep going, we have no control over what others do or think.. just concentrate on building your new life. You are doing so well.. Happy straya day
P
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26 January 2016 at 10:26 am #31458izzi25Participant
Hey mate,
This is so true just felt good to get it off my chest and write about it.
Yes babe Happy Australia Day – another day cg free
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14 February 2016 at 6:50 am #31459izzi25Participant
Finding it hard to believe that I only posted over two weeks ago, maybe because so much has happened since.
As you all know I moved interstate and starting a new job working in my brothers business. And it has been fairly good, working with your brother defiantely has it challenges. I am enjoying what I am doing as I am finding it very challenging. Honestly I have no idea what I am doing or even how to learn the simple skill sets to do my job well. Really out of my own comfort and yet in retrospect I can handle it. What has been proven to be extremely difficult is living with my brother and his family. His wife is a lovely person but of late (something I always suspected) is that she isn’t as “nice” or as “trusting” as she seems. So I have had to take a step back and play my cards really close to my chest. Since moving here I have felt like nothing but a nanny, cooking nearly all the time and looking after the kids while they go out on a daily basis. And they aren’t the cleanest people, wake up literally every day to a mess in the kitchen and it is mainly the adults making a mess and not cleaning it up.I have been thinking about moving out of home but living in this city is expensive and I can’t afford it at this stage. My only option would be to go back home and live with parents and that is not an option for me. I need to talk to them and hopefully that goes well. It definitely has made me think about cg and how much some extra cash would help to get me out of this situation. But cg was what got me here and I am never going back. I am over 2 months clean and I am proud of myself, no one is going to drive me back there.
I really needed to vent, thanks all.
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17 February 2016 at 2:04 am #31460veraParticipant
well done Izzi. Two months is a great achievement.
Must be difficult living with your brother’s family and also working for him.
Can you not get a few people you can share with and move out. Even a room in “digs” would be better than what you describe.
I loved your post on Adam’s thread.
Great !
Take care Izzi.
Stay G free odaat.
Gambling ruins lives!
God bless! -
19 February 2016 at 9:28 am #31461izzi25Participant
Hi Vera,
hope you have been well! I laughed so hard when you said it would be better off living in the “digs!”. Unfortunately since I am new to this city, do not really know many people. And not at a point where I can afford to move out as I have a couple of huge bills coming up. I have definitely thought about it, also I may have some news (depending on what happens) I will be in a place where I will have to make some important decisions.
Thanks babe for that encouragement regarding adam’s thread, was hoping to sound nice and not come across as nasty.
Not sure what today is but I do know it is another day clean.
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19 April 2016 at 5:22 am #31462izzi25Participant
This update has been a long time coming, it has been over three months since I posted and so much has happened. I seriously feel like my time here living and working with family has been hell. They have not treated me nicely and spoken about me behind my back and treated me like a child. It has been very painful and hard and of course, I am the one that always looks bad, they are never in the wrong. We both live different lifestyles and they have not been able to accept that. I have tried to adjust to how they do things because it is not my house but that still is not good enough. My sister in law has complained so much about me, which is ironic because I feel like a nanny because she barely lifts a finger at times. My friends back home have been really supportive and really upset with my treatment. I thought moving here would mend my relationship with my sibling but it made it everything worse. I really can’t not emphasise how painful it has been.
The past month has been a mad rollercoaster, I decided to cg and can’t even remember why. I know that I was stressing about moving back home and not having a job. I was intending to move back in May because I got accepted back into uni and wanted to settle in before the craziness of uni. Anyway, I ended up cging and I lost all my savings I was working months to save for. And it went downhill from there, long story short, I now have 5 cash advances, in that time my brother reduced my hours from full time to part time with just 2 days notice. It really was stressing me out and I was not happy that he did that with two days notice, not nice or professional. He made it out like it was something that was happening for me and the other employee, which was a lie. He can do what he wants but don’t lie about it. I am your sister, the other employee who is my sister in law, complained so much bout me that my brother decided to reduce my hours from 38 a week to 24. She still gets paid full-time hours even though she does not work full-time. She was not happy that he paid me more, that was an agreement though and a perk of moving all this way for him. And her continued passive aggressiveness has made me see her in a different way, she was my favourite person before moving in with her. And now I don’t trust or believe a word that comes out of her mouth. That is the kind of stuff that has been going on.. I have been under a lot of stress and now I owe lots of money that I can’t pay back and I am swimming deep in debt.
I move back home in 5 days and start a new job in exactly one week. In three months uni starts, studying full time and working part time. No idea how I am going to cope, not liking life at the moment. I feel so stupid for taking a risk and coming here. I really thought I could be an asset to the business, I didn’t like how we did things, nor did I get trained right. It just wasn’t my thing and my deceptive sis in law made sure she always looked good and I looked bad. I haven’t even told my parents or other siblings because he is the golden child and he can do no wrong. I also can’t trust them not to say anything to him, if they do, it will cause more of a rift. So I basically have to shut my mouth and take it. I know eventually my bro will turn this whole thing into a joke at my own expense.
I wish that I could shut my family out it would make my life so much easier. Being part of them is just a window to my past. And every moment I spend with them I am reminded of what isn’t right in my life.
Today I am 5 days clean, I am not smiling though I am too stressed and too upset right now at myself and at them. I really do try with them, or I like to think I do. But they keep telling me that I haven’t changed that, I am starting to think that it actually isn’t them who haven’t changed. Honestly I do not know how much more disappointment I can take. Something amazing needs to happen and it needs to happen soon.
Thanks for listening, just really hurt and sad deep down inside.
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21 April 2016 at 7:34 pm #31463charlesModerator
Hi Izzi,
Well done on getting back here. This time I hope you keep posting as you progress with your gamble free time. You always use “CGing” as a verb, which it is of course. CG is also a noun though, WE are compulsive gamblers, we can choose not to act on that addiction though but it is important to use and keep using the support we have availalbe, not just when we are in trouble and wan to stop but also to maintain recovery. Keep posting here, when you get home get back to your counselling, check out a GA meeting etc. Use all the support that is available to you. -
7 May 2016 at 10:11 pm #31464pParticipant
I hope that you are going ok.. Can you get to GA meetings, i know they sometimes dont seem appealing but neither does gambling. I am really hoping you are ok.. sometimes I’ve gone to meetings and just sat and listened.. thats all and not shared, you have that option, it cant hurt right? Stay in touch Izzy, get up if you fall down and dont give up trying
p
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