Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Why can’t I leave by Daisy8 – Moved from the Friends and Family Topic forum

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    janey
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    Not sure where else to post this but here it goes…. Hello there! I am a wife of a compulsive gambler and I am trying to understand what my husband is going through right now. We are both 31 (young) and married. We were just starting our life together. Some background history: we met in 2007. We had a long distance relationship and I later discovered about his gambling problem. He was very destructive back in his country (his parents and even I would bail him out). Despite all that, I chose to be with him. We have been married for nearly 3 years now (civil) and through the church 1 year. I found out on Monday that he is playing again. He bets on sports through an online website. He has played since May but I didn’t know until this week. I found out because I went through his cell phone. I first saw that he was chatting online with other women on a social network application. I saw his history of chats and was outraged by the flirty comments and sweet talk. I confronted him about this that same day and he confessed on his own about the gambling. He explained that he has played for apx 3 months and has maxed his only credit card. When we spoke on Thursday he told me that he took money out from his 401k so now he owes that. He also said that the chatting was a way for him to escape and getaway; he said he didn’t take it seriously and he was never planning to meet up with girls or cheat. I basically told him to move out and so he did. I told him that I value myself as a woman and person and being with him has devalued me and I feel really disrespected. I felt so strong on Monday. I was very calm and I didn’t waste time arguing. While he was getting ready to leave, I told him not to take the car but he found the spare key and all of a sudden he left abruptly. I went after him but I couldn’t catch up to him. I wanted him to leave with nothing but oh well he took the new car; I cannot afford to pay it myself. The first 2 days I felt numb and I was just really pissed because I did not want to put up with his gambling like I did before. We live with my parents and I also did not want to see him in the house and argue like we have done in the past months. He barely started to build his credit and he was started to have good credit. We purchased our first car together in April. In March he received his permanent resident card and then in May he started playing. But because he now has his card, car and still has a job I thought that he did all this so he can have his freedom and not take on the role of husband. So I am confused sometimes about his feelings and love for me? Were they real? He says he didn’t use me. Looking back to these past few months, it all adds up…his behavior that is. His manipulations on how he tries to blame me and how we wants to control the finances so he can play and so i wouldn’t find out. He was constantly on the phone checking updates on ESPN and betting or chatting. He wanted to have his own account and no longer a joint so he changed his direct deposit to go to his own account. He would always accuse me of being a control freak, that I bug and nag him too much and he always threatened to leave. So because of all the recent fights I was so determined on Monday to no longer fight and just have him leave. He slept in the car the first few days. He has found a co-worker to stay with for now. So now that I kicked him out he is telling me that he wants to live on his own so that no one (me) will tell him what to do. He said he has fallen out of love for me because I was aggressive, controlling and b/c I have lost myself (because I have gained weight and I stopped working out) and that basically he just wants to be left alone. I know that the gambling really affected me and that I became so paranoid and strict with him. He says he sees me like a sister now and wants me to focus on my life and be happy without him. He also has said ‘if we are meant to be then we are but if not then we are not.’ In the end he told me that I don’t need to rush getting a divorce, that time will tell and to let him look for me. What hurts me so much is how he is not willing to fight for us. These past few months I have been saying the same thing to him and it just makes sense to me why now. I have felt used by him and I am so hurt by his behavior. I wish he would fight for his life and for us but he is emotionally unavailable. He blocks his feelings and does not show any affection or remorse. He may say he feels bad and sad and says he cries on his own when he is alone. Why I stayed? On some unconscious level I wanted to rescue him. I love him very much and I still do. I was always hopeful that he would change. I new there were resources in US unlike in his country about gambling and I wanted him to get help but he never went. We went on a retreat before we married in the church and we were stable for a while. I thought I found my partner for life; my soulmate. I wanted him to have a better life. I risked a lot by him coming here. I even changed as a person towards him. All the pain and suffering I went through during our long distant relationship affected me later when he came here.I became a control freak in order to avoid relapse and he resents me for being controlling. I was like a micro manager in my first year here but I gradually let go of all that. Gradually, I started rebuilding trust again and I was very confident in us before we took on the next step of marrying in the church. We were doing well for a while but we started arguing a lot this year within the past months. He has been in the US for 3 years and was gamble free for 2.5 years. We did well for a while but I started to nag him about certain behaviors and I was asking for him to be more present in our relationship. I risked being unhappy and was strongly disappointed in him that he was not being the husband I wanted him to be. So I risked that this day was going to come. What do I risk by staying? Wow I agree with Jilly! I did become that bitter woman. I know I needed therapy myself but I tried to change on my own without help and I wanted him to go with me. I risk not having a happy and joyful future/life. I am starting my career and I love it but it’s such a distraction when I am not emotionally well and just a wreck. I did not go to work the past 2 days because I called in sick. I cry a lot, I don’t feel hungry and I am in so much pain. I risk my own mental health for sure and I realize it’s been deteriorating the past few months. I think I just ignore how harmful the arguments have been and stay positive. I risk getting more in debt but I strongly feel that I won’t bail him out. My CG tells me that I need to focus on my life and be happy without him. He is right, but how can he tell me something that is hard for me to tell myself? It hurts when he tells me this because I feel rejected! He tells me that he doesn’t want to hurt me. I have risked my own self-worth. I think that’s why I told him to leave…because I didn’t want to risk my worth any longer. Am I afraid to leave? I do take marriage seriously and I do NOT want a divorce but I have been thinking about it. I feel like I am in limbo right now. Although I did tell him to leave, I am afraid that I will regret telling him so. I am afraid of what he will be doing out there knowingly that we are married. What do I risk by leaving? Like movedon said, I risk losing my husband forever. I worry that he will find someone else during this ‘meantime’ or separation period. I believe that no one will love him like I do. Just the thought of him being with another woman makes me sick! He says he is not into looking for women but I do worry that he will find someone or mess around. I strongly believe in God and that he united us. I don’t want to find anyone else either. I also worry that he will do more destructive things. He has no one in this country; all he has is me and my family. He expressed not wanting to have kids because of his gambling. I want to be a mother and I totally visioned us being parents together. I am so loyal and so committed to our marriage but he is not and it hurts so badly. I risk not fulfilling that role as a mother and as the mother of our children. I know it’s still early on to avoid future pain and agony but I just don’t want to give up on him. I’m afraid that he will never come back to me and that eventually a divorce is the outcome.  Daisy8

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