[howanan]

Hi all, it’s been a long time since I wrote on here. I see the whole website has changed.

I haven’t gambled since June or July. I don’t really remember and I’m not keeping count of days. I have in the past and that didn’t work for me. It just brought gambling front and center in my mind.

My husband was diagnosed with recurring cancer. Two years ago he had all the chemo and radiation. This time he had a 12 hour operation to take out all the cancer and reconstruct the soft pallet, etc from skin on his arm.

Whenever I think of gambling I think of cancer. The first time he had cancer, he and I gambled alot. He said that helped him to forget. All I did was get in debt.

This time, if he wants to go gambling, he goes alone, while I’m at work. I am now out of gambling debt and am saving money for Christmas. I am no longer stress about gambling and what a wonderful relief that is!!!!

Of course, sometimes I get the urge to go, just to spend $100.00. But any gambler knows that once you loose that 100.00 you have to spend more to recoup your losses. So, I just shake that thought from me head and do something else.
I know if I told my hisband I wanted to go, he would be ready right then to go. So I keep my thoughts to myself and find that within 5 minutes they are gone.

I hope all is going good with you. I have missed reading your threads and post.

Take care all ……… I’ll post again soon.

[Dunc]

Hey Howanan

It’s lovely to see you back to our lovely new site, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much, but what strength you have. It reminds me of Charles posts about good and brilliant days, went something like this

A Good day is when everything goes well and you don’t gamble
A Brilliant day is when everything goes badly and you don’t gamble

Your an inspiration, please keep coming back, your never know just how many people may read your thread and find the strength they need all thanks to you.

Take Care

Harry

[charles]

Great post Hownanan, thank you.

[p]

Hi Nancy

I was so pleased to see this post from you. Although i won’t be posting much on my thread i will be around the place. I just want to say i am thrilled to see you. Im gamble free today too. Well done Nancy.

P

[howanan]

It’s early Saturday morning. I have been up and busy making soup, washing clothes, and ordering Christmas gifts on line. I can’t help but to look back at other Saturday mornings. Mornings when I was stressed and near tears because I played the slots for hours the night before. This morning I have no guilt, no stress, and no gambling debt. What a relief and a difference 6 months have made. Yes, every now and then I get the urge to go gambling. I try to squash the urges. Sometimes that is not all that easy, so I do my best to ignore them and not react to them. And it works! Within a half hour, I am grateful I am not sitting at a machine throwing away my hard earned money. While the urges are rolling around in my head, I keep thinking of other things I can do instead.

Hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. We decided to go to Cracker Barrel for dinner. It was really nice, but it would have been better if my husband could have been with us. He didn’t want to go because he still can not eat.

Hope everyone has a gamble free day………Nancy

[monique]

Hello.

I read your post and it sounded so good.

I am sorry your husband is suffering still, but pleased to hear how you have had such a positive and productive Saturday morning and that you find ways to defeat those nasty urges. All those lovely things you have achieved are such a great contrast to the ‘old’ Saturday mornings!

Your post will encourage others too, I feel sure.

Best wishes,

Monique, Gambling Therapy Team

[p]

Hi nancy

I have never forgotten you! I was so pleased to see your post and congratulations on you being six months gamble free, that is wonderful!! Only wish i had seen your posts along the way.
It sounds as though you had been very busy though and i am sorry that hubby is still unwell.
I thank you for your support to me in the early days Nancy when i first came here years ago. I am still only a couple of months in but I am slowly building my way toward a gamble free life. Its not the time that matters its the quality of our days i think.
So pleased to see you back. I remember posting with you and Andrea and Marilee, Female G, all spurring me on. I will always be thankful for that.

P

[howanan]

It’s early Sunday morning and I am feeling blessed. I didn’t have any urges yesterday at all. woo hoo. You know thinking back, I only get the urges while drving in the truck with my husband. I don’t get them at home or if I’m driving alone. The reason for this. Habit. Yes habit. I only went gambling with my husband and he always drove there. Thankfully, I am able to ignore the urges and not mention them to my husband. Soon we are home andy the urges are gone.
Another memorial thing (to me) is that as soon as I stopped gambling, I started going to church with my son. It’s so true that you have to fill the void that was your gambling time.
Guess I’ll get a cup of tea and read the morning paper before Church.
Don’t give up hope, don’t give up on yourself.
Nancy

[monique]

Another lovely post, Nancy. You are able to encourage and inspire others as you also strengthen yourself.

All good wishes,

Monique

[howanan]

Yesterday I went to court with my son. He and his wife were getting a divorce. She left him 3 years ago, one month after he had his leg amputated. She left him with no money and no resources to get any – other then me helping. Now over 3 years later, she wants half of everything he had acquired after she left.
They finally settled out of court and are divorced. But she got quite alot for her adultry and desertion. Now just thinking about this would have brought on all my gambling urges. I would go sit in front of a slot machine and loose myself for a couple of hours (oh yes, loosing my money as well). But the truth is, I did not have one urge! I was going to go Christmas shopping, but the weather was too bad. So I just went home and got myself a hot cup of tea.

What a wonderful, peaceful feeling that was. I still have all my Christmas shopping money …… (smile).
Sometimes I reflect back to my “gambling” days. I don’t remember any positive feeling during that time. Most of the time, I put all thoughts of the past out of mind. It really is painful to think back to what a “fool” I was and how easy it would be to get right back in that position. I like my life much better now even with all the worries and concerns. There is one less to add to the mix.

Like I said earlier, I’m not counting days, or months. I don’t know the actual day I last gambled. It doesn’t matter. It’s better for me to just keep all thoughts of gambling out of my mind. There are too many other things in life for me to enjoy.

Nancy

[desdemona]

Hi Nancy! I don’t know if you remember me (Carole) but I remember you. You are doing brilliantly with your recovery, and I hope you are proud of your accomplishment. I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s cancer diagnosis and I do hope that he is cured. I can totally understand why he would want to gamble to escape, even though it isn’t a healthy coping mechanism. Good for you for not going with him, when he goes. I hope you have a blessed holiday season! Carole

[howanan]

It’s a rainy, foggy, cold Tuesday afternoon here. brrrrr
I just heard bad news about an employee that I worked with here that had just retired.

My “old self” would have taken this as an excuse to find a slot machine and drown my sorrow. What a weak person that was.
I hope I never resort to that behavior again.

Every now and then I still have the urges. But I have learned not to voice them. If I don’t mention gambling to my husband, he doesn’t ask me to go. So I fight my own battles mentally. I find myself spending less time wrestling the urge to gamble.
I know, it felt so good to purchase all my Christmas presents with cash and not a credit card. There are so many pluses to not gambling. Peace of mind being one of them.
Merry Christmas

[monique]

What a really encouraging post. Thank you for sharing the pluses of not gambling – so good to read. I wish you all good things and ongoing courage and strength to keep going on this new way of life.

Monique

[howanan]

After work yesterday, I went to my son’s house. I took a plate of homemade cookies and some Clementines to my two granddaughters. On the way home, I had to pass one of the gambling places I “used” to go to. I thought, what the heck I could just go in there, spend 50.00 then leave. What a good talking to I gave myself. There is no way you would leave after loosing $50.00. You would continue to play trying to recoup the first $50.00. You can take that $50.00 and buy something or pay a bill. Well, it worked… I drove right past there with no more thoughts od stopping there.

There is so much stress during the holidays. And a good friend and co-worker passed away this morning. All these things are triggers that I have to look for. If I can identify them, I can manage them. No gambling will not help with the sorrow or the stress. We all know, it only makes it worse. So, I will go home from work today and know there will be no gambling.

[howanan]

It’s Friday afternoon. Husband and I have been waiting all day for the phone to ring. Two weeks ago the doctor found a nodule on his soft pallet. He had a 2 hour MRI yesterday at John Hopkins. We’re waiting for the results.

I gambled once in December. I knew what I was doing, but I did it anyway. Thinking I could handle it. Not… I was so upset with myself. I was a good week or two before I could start to feel better. This was my first and only gamble in 8 months. There was nothing good about it. I have no plans or thoughts of doing it again. I just can not gamble. It makes me feel too bad.
There is too much other stuff going on in my life right now, I can’t and won’t let gambling complicate it.
I have too much to be thankful for and too much to loose…..

[charles]

Good to see you posting Howanan. I hope the news from the hospital is good. If you are still around and want to talk, then a Community Group starts in a few minutes, maybe pop in and see us there. Stay strong, one day at atime.

[Anonymous]

HI Howanan. So sorry to read about your husband being unwell. Cancer is a real worry so congratulations on having only one lapse while dealing with your husband’s illness .you have shown amazing strength over the past number of months. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

[p]

Nancy i am so happy to see you posting again , i missed you over the years at the times you were gone from here.. i am so sorry to hear the news of your husband, i am wishing you the best from across the seas here.. congratulations on 8 months of gamble free time that is amazing, you gambled one day in that time that is amazing, i know for me if i went once i would not stop so congrats on getting out of there and into here… proud of you for all your gamble free time, why not post a little more on the way when you are gamble free.. miss seeing you round here..

P

[howanan]

Tuesday afternoon…. a big snow storm is heading our way. yuk
I really haven’t had any urges to gamble, but sometimes out of the blue it dos just pop up in my thoughts. I’m able to tell myself that I just don’t have the money to throw away. My husband had to quit his job. He was mentally and physically unable to work. We’re hoping in six months he can get rehired. But his MRI came out good. Thank God.
I’ve resigned myself to stay home on the weekends. We used to pack a bag and head for the casino on Friday evenings after work, coming home Sundays. And I don’t miss that at all! It is so comfortable to just sit home on Friday evenings with my husband. I read and he watches tv. What a turn around. But a good one. Even though there is alot going on in my life right now, I still have a peace inside me. It is so good not to have that self condemnation that comes from gambling.
That’s a terrible feeling I have no desire to feel ever again.
Nancy

[vera]

Nancy!
We are both posting at the same time!
I have about 5 letters written to you in my head but didnt get any of it on paper yet! Thank God the MRI was ok. Prayers answered.
Watch out for the postman. I wont put too many details here. Im like you now. Sitting at home waiting for the snow to stop to get back to walking. The snow here is only a mild flutter compared to MD.
I think I will always feel restless just sitting around, but if it means not losing money I cannot afford (who can?) I will settle for the sedentary life.

( Heard Shirley Temple died RIP. The end of an era)

[howanan]

Friday a week ago, I had a big trigger. We received in the mail my husbands long term disability check for one month. I suffered with that trigger and the urges for hours (in silence). I finally got on facebook and played the games until the urges left. Now, I’m not recommending this to anyone, but it did help me. The next morning the urges were gone and I had come through another day without gambling. I’ve learned to never let my guard down. This was a big urge. I had to keep remembering how I felt after a bout of gambling. Horrible!!!
I like the way I feel now. I don’t “hate” myself.
There will always be something to “trigger” my urge to gamble. I just have to learn how to deal with that, one episode at a time.

[velvet]

Hi Nancy
I can hardly believe you have been back on the site since November and I have missed your posts – I don’t pop over so much nowadays.
I am so glad to read you do not hate yourself anymore. You have had a lot of ups and downs to cope with, not least the selfish daughter-in-law and your husband’s on-going ill-health.
How is your son coping?
Unfortunately life does go up and down for all of us and we have to learn to deal with it or we crumble – keep posting, stay close and let us walk with you again. You were 8 months gamble-free and feeling good, that 8 months cannot/should not be written off. Slips do not have to be negative and it seems from your latest posts that you have your positive attitude back again.
Speak soon
Velvet

[p]

Hi Nancy
So glad to see you posting again. I know those games for me dont work but if you find they help you then i guess its good, its good you didnt lose money, just be careful it doesnt keep that feeling of will i win alive.. But well done for getting through your urges and not going to gamble.
Are the games on Facebook gambling or are they fun games?
I once many moons ago tried to play free pokies on line, pokies are slots here. It was the same machine as i went to play in the casino however the next week i was back out there. So for me they dont work but i did find an awesome game on line called word solitaire where you make words out of letters on cards instead of numbers.. was very good and had lovely background music while i was playing.
Anyway i am so glad that you are posting, it is good you are still coming here, you helped me years ago with your kindness.
Keep posting. Keep coming here. Im glad you share these things it gives me thoughts too of what does and doesnt work for me and i know everyones different and i respect everyones journey for what it is.. whatever works..
Just so glad to see you again

P

[howanan]

My husband finally went to church with me last Sunday. After church, we went out to lunch. Driving home (this is where I was getting a little nervous) we drove past all the clubs where I would play the slot machine. My brain kept saying only 50 dollars. But I know myself too well. 50 dollars would just be the start. So I kept my mouth shut and got home okay. And once we were home, I was so glad I did not give in to the urge. I kept thinking what I could do with that 50 instead of throwing it away. I feel a small victory. It has always been so hard to pass those places and not stop in. Life is so much more peaceful now. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

[p]

Nancy well done.. that is fantastic.. .it is a feeling of victory when not giving into the urges.. that is wonderful.

P

[howanan]

July 30th. The road I travel has been up and down. No, not with gambling. I realized that gambling was just a waste of time and money. My husband was diagnosed once again with cancer. He makes his trips 53.5 miles(one way) once a day. He’ s there an average of 12 hours each day, 5 days a week. He had his last chemo treatment yesterday and will be finished radiation next Wednesday. It has been a long journey since 2011. It took this last diagnosis to get me to wake up about gambling. And I don’t miss it. Sometimes I miss the emotions of winning, but we all know the emotional losses are much worse. I’m still working full time and trying to keep a “sunny” disposition at work and home. It’s when I am alone that all the depressive feelings grow within me. I try to take a book and sit in the sun. Feeling the warmed of the sun on my face helps greatly. Some days I am emotional and physically tired. I got lab work scheduled for early tomorrow morning to find out why I am so tired and cold. Then I will accompany my husband to JHH for the day. a very long exhausting day.
But throughout all this… I have not made it an excuse to go gamble and forget my problems for a few hours. That’s a joke. Your problems multiply after gambling.
I know it’s been a while, but I did want to give all my friends here an update and to let you know i think of all of you often.

[lizbeth4]

Hi Nancy, I am so sorry to hear the your Husband’s cancer. Remember to take care of yourself through this battle. It’s so easy for us (women) to put ourselves last and take care of everyone else. I am praying that the chemo and radiation works and that he will be cancer free. You are right, gambling is nothing but a waste. I am thinking of you. Take care.

[monique]

Hi. Thanks for your encouraging posts. I am sorry to hear about your husband’s cancer – yes, you both have a lot to cope with. But you KNOW that gambling only creates more problems and are wise enough not to go there. As Lizbeth says, it is important to look after yourself, too. Keep in touch.

Best wishes,

Monique

[p]

Hi Nancy

So good to see you back again and hear you are gamble free but not so good to hear about your dear hubby.. i hope things work out for the better. You are doing amazingly well to have not gambled under those circumstances.. lovely to have your posts here again with us

P

[charles]

Good to see you posting Nancy, all the best wishes for you and your husband.

Well done on your gamble free time. With all the things you have going on make sure you use all the support you have.

[howanan]

Good morning – I was thinking the other evening how I had stopped getting urges to gamble. I can still remember them – wow = how strong the pull was. Now – nothing. I never thought I could come to this point. I thought I would have to fight off those urges the rest of my life. I can only pray they stay far away from me.

I’m really emotional and physically tired from working full time, house work, and caregiver. But I do try to make time to sit out in the sun at least a half hour after work to soak up the rays and feel the warmth on my face.

I firmly believe that all aspects of my life are controlled by God and therefore I need not worry. Everything will work itself out in time.

[velvet]

Hi Nancy
How good it is to see you posting but how sorry I am to read that your husband has been diagnosed with cancer again – I hope to read that he has turned the corner soon.
I can see you in my mind’s eye with your face turned towards the sun and it is so good to know that your thoughts are no longer mixed with urges. It must be emotionally draining for you running a home, caring for your husband and working full-time but through it all you are keeping a sunny disposition – what can I say but well done.
You have come a long way Nancy and you have fought courageously for the peace of mind you are feeling – I am sure your post will spur others on.
It is great to see your name again
Velvet

[charles]

Hi Honey and welcome to the forum. Well done on taking this big first step. You will get a lot of advice and support here from people with the same addiction. hopefully you are already reading some of the other threads here so you know that you are not alone. You can stop gambling. I’m a Compulsive Gambler myself and if I can stop anyone can!

Can I ask you though to please start your own thread. It’ll be easier for people to give you support once you do that. It’ll get confusing for all here on Hownanans topic.

Just click on Forums, My Journal, then scroll down and click on New Topic. You have made a good post so maybe just copy and paste it onto your new thread.

I look forward to reading your progress.

[howanan]

So much has happened since then. My husband, my gambling partner passed away April 2015 after 3 ’bouts of cancer. I stopped gambling in 2014. Just a month or so ago out of complete loneliness I went to the Casino. I had a horrible time. It did not draw me to it like it used to. Which I am thankful for. I know that gambling does not solve any problems. No matter how big or small. It doesn’t cure loneliness. I have new friends that I meet with for lunch and day bus trips.

I still remember the guilt, the remorse, and how much I hated myself the day after gambling. I am thankful that time does take away the urges. But you do have to be careful. Once sitting in front of that machine, you’re hooked again. Don’t do it!
Nancy

[vera]

So good to see a post from you on GT, Nancy.
I’m sure Life can be very lonely without your husband, but as you say, gambling is not the cure for loneliness. Indeed, there is nobody more lonely than a CG!
When I first came to GT in 2008, posts from you, Pam, Linnie and many others gave me hope.
“Don’t do it” is a great line for newcomers and golden oldies alike.
It’s as simple as that. Just “don’t do it”!
‘Hoping you stay in touch Nancy.
Great to know you are still around.

[charles]

Hi Nancy, so sorry to hear of your loss, my commiserations.

Well done on the time you spent being gamble free. If you have now found yourself tempted back to the casino then maybe now would be a good time to get yourself banned from there. Focus on the other things you do in life, keep in touch with the support you have here as well.

Keep posting.

[howanan]

Why did I go to the casino? Trying to find a little of my past. Hey it doesn’t work. The past is gone and so is the time I had with my husband. The casino is an hour away and I have no desire to drive that far to throw money away. I am now retired and am on a set monthly income. This has been hard for me to learn how to spend only what is coming in. But I am determined to live on that and not touch my nest egg especially for gambling. The main thing I have learned is that if you stay away from gambling the urges do leave and you don’t even miss it. You want nothing more to do with something that made you feel so bad about yourself . You find other ways to fill that void. I did and will continue to do so and so can you.

[howanan]

Today I went to our Christmas lunch bunch with 15 friends I have met over the past 9 months. Then we went shopping. Now I’m home and tired. I was just sitting here thinking. I wrote in a previous post that I went to the casino because I was lonely. Looking back did I really think siting in front of a slot machine by myself was going to take away my loneliness. That was my gambling self making excuses. No more! Gambling just alienates you from friends and family.

[velvet]

Dear Nancy
Thank you for posting to me it means more than you would imagine.
I too remember Pam and Linnie and Truly – Deb (I can’t remember her first user name), Larry, Betty and Leelash to name but a very few.
You all gave me such generous understanding and I valued everything you told me. Without all of you and of course the person with a problem in my life, I would never have continued for what has now been 8 years.
The site does change, we have our ups and downs but every time I hear that the addiction has been defeated in both ‘My Journal’ and ‘F&F’ I rejoice.
So thank you again for my post and thank you for coming back to ‘My Journal’ with such an upbeat message. I wish you all the peace and happiness in your gamble-free world.
Velvet

[howanan]

While out running errands and shopping , I drove by a place we would stop now and then to play the slot machines for a couple of hours. A fleeting thought to stop in there. But not much of a thought or urge. What I really would have like would have run into someone I knew while out shopping today. It would have been nice to go somewhere for a cup of coffee and just relax and talk awhile. Gambling is not front and center in my life any more. In fact I very seldom even think about it.

[p]

Hi Nancy

I am really sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.. i have often thought of you, you helped me a lot in the early days here.. i no longer use my thread. I do however go to the chat groups. I dont check in here as often as i used to so i just want to say welcome back and im glad you are not gambling.

P

[Author]

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