[whyowhy]

Hi everybody. I must say it is good reading what everyone is sharing. I have been so depressed, withdrawn, alone, and desparate to the point of regularly contemplating killing myself. I end up in tears each time as I think about my two little children and my wife who is trying to figure out how to love the father of her kids moving forward. It’s tough and it was not necessary. But we are here. Allow me to just write as I have not been able to just freely let it out.
I am a foreigner who worked in Singapore for almost 8 years in a good job, comfortable lifestyle, I could afford holidays, sending my parents money and when kids came along good schools. Both of my kids are currently below 5 years. One day out of boredom I decided to step into the newly built marina bay sands to check it out. I ended up in the casino, a place I have never stepped before in my life. Little did I know this was the first step to destroying my family, my job, and all out lives. The first win gave me so much adrenaline I wanted more. Sure enough I won but with each win was followed by a string of heavy losses. I once even won 45,000 Singapore dollars on one play and the next day hoping to repeat the treat I came back and literally lost double that. 12 months down the line I am 468,009 Singapore dollars in debt. I took credit card after credit card hoping to quickly recoup my losses before my wife ever found out. The more I tried the worse it got. The more I maxed one card the more I applied for more. At no time did I stop to assess the damage. Actually right now when I look back I wonder if my brain was working at all. It just dies not seem like me. It dies not seem logical that I could voluntarily and single handedly destroy so many lives. After a while albeit too late I decided I was soon going to loose 1 mil if I kept going. I got the guts and told my wife what I had done. She could not believe it. If not for the kids she would have left me. Today I would not have blamed her. I deserve all the hell. My second baby needs to start school and I can’t afford school fees, I even have to pull my first one out to a cheaper school. My job is at risk as the banks want to sue me to bankruptcy. I write a proposal to all of them asking for 8-10 years which they decline so my bankruptcy is imminent. I can’t look my wife in the face. The Shame, guilt and sorrow moreso when I see my kids is wearing me down. I cry when I’m alone even in the train. I don’t know how to correct all this. My wife made me register for exclusion which I hope I had done ages ago. Now however I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hate myself.

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