Get practical support with your gambling problem Forum Friends and Family Wife of a gambler lost and about to break

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  • #6408
    ButtercupKeepUp
    Participant

    I’ve been with my husband for 13 years, married for 9. He’s always put a weekend bet on the football but in the last 6 or 7 years it’s gotten progressively worse, to the point we now have to sell our home, the home he came into and made a life in with myself and my children who he came to take on as his own. Even selling the house won’t pay off the debt, the majority of which is in my name as I’ve been the only one to get credit and bail us out after I believed his lies and promises that he won’t do it again time after time. I agreed to sell the house, to lose everything ive worked so hard for,to move into rented accommodation because I refused to give up on us, on our marriage but also told him this is his last chance. He says he hasn’t gambled for 8 months, but I’ve just found out he has, he plays darts and other games he knows he’s good at, for money, even though I said it was gambling and he couldn’t do it. He doesn’t believe that it’s gambling and says it’s just fun. I told him to save our marriage he has to go to GA, he told me he will go in his own time, that he doesn’t think it will work anyway and that if he goes he will do it just so I stop mentioning it. We barely talk. He’s started drinking more too and starts arguments to make me feel bad, like the whole thing is my fault. He won’t quit smoking or drinking but makes snide comments if I buy an item of clothing, he will use it against me as a reason we have no money even though I have a good job and earn more than he does and am the one who has kept us afloat so far. Now I’m breaking, I’m lost and I’m tired. I’m tired of walking on egg shells, I’m tired of fighting a one way battle, im tired because i cant sleep more than a few hours because im worrying about ending up homeless,I feel so guilty that I can’t fix things, I’m tired of crying all the time and I’m devastated that my marriage is ending. I’m trying so hard not to break but am really struggling. 

    #6409
    Dunc
    Keymaster

    Hello

    Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

    Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

    Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

    Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

    If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

    You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

    We look forward to hearing all about you!

    Take care

    The Gambling Therapy Team

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    #6410
    velvet
    Moderator

    Hi ButtercupKeepUp
    I am not surprised you are tired – living with a person with an addiction who refuses to get help can be soul destroying – but in my opinion, in gaining knowledge of your husband’s addiction and looking after yourself, you will learn to cope ensuring your future is safe for you and your children.
    Your husband’s addiction and behaviour is not your fault – there was nothing you could have done to stop his addiction. He is controlled by his addiction but you do not have to be – you can re-take control of your life. Sadly it is common for F&F to fight one way battles, they take on the fight to protect their loved one and those around them but in doing so they unwittingly enable their loved one’s addiction. When the CG in my life took control of his addiction he told me that as long as I enabled him and fought his battles, there was no reason for him to take on his demons. He wanted to gamble, he didn’t want to fight to overcome his problem. He didn’t have a plan to hurt me but his distorted addictive thinking blamed me for any perceived problems.
    I’m not going to write anymore in this first reply to you – I would like to wait and hear from you again. I am sorry you couldn’t make the group tonight – perhaps on Thursday between 10 pm and 11 pm we could ‘meet’ in cyber space and ‘talk’ in real time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum. In the meantime though, please post again.
    I am back now after a break and will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so. If I didn’t know that your husband’s addiction could be cured I wouldn’t be here but I know how important ‘your’ health and happiness are for you, your children and ultimately for your husband.
    Velvet

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