[thewizefox]

wheres the year gone, madness, gone so quick, if i was too analyise my year and sum it up into a story since leaving residential treatment i would have to say :

life seemed to be one big mess , poor routine, still felt like the programme had done me no favours, however 10 months later i would say i feel more positive, happier, ready for the most important few years where i have the opportunity to find work, deal with my financial stress and get that cleared would be a great achievement, also i would love to go away on holiday next year and enjoy it with friends and family this is my biggest goal and i want to do it.

for me i have found that since February leaving gordon moody its only recent that i feel i have started to re adjust back into normal life outside of the programme, its very difficult to start with well thats what i found , i had been used to routine for 14 weeks, then all of a sudden i left into the unknown and for me i found this extremely stressful and scary.

From the moment i left the centre and settled in my new place it was all weird, new part of the country, no friends as such, something that was totally unknown to me as my past i had been used to always having people around me.

The weeks went on i couldnt stop gambling, i had no other thoughts but to gamble, i couldnt think of a routine that was positive all i really thought deep down was why am i here in london, this is not going to work. However i i decided that it was not going to change for some time, lets try and give it a go.

so if i was been honest i had good weeks and bad weeks but more bad weeks, i tried to get some form of positivity going, sometimes this worked other times i resulted back to my own ways, i was quite sad at times i felt like i had let myself down and ever wondered whether any course of treatment would work on me, i made numerous calls to my dad and explained that i needed money for all types of reasons, it only became apparent to me that i was using me been so far away to start manipulating why i needed money , really it was too bail me out of the shit and get my next bet, sometimes i would manage to get food in other times i would go drinking in beckenham for me that was justification and positive act, what a load of rubbish.

now we are coming to the end of june, i had started meeting my support worker more, i had to put barriers in place, i had a choice to act on this and make sure i had food , that i could afford things, it was hard as i never liked people controlling my money, but i did it for short while and it worked well.

soon though the day came i had come to the end of my teather i new that all the effort of finding work and no result, only a few weeks left of a roof over my head i had to go home, it felt right it felt like this was my chance to start a fresh, if i look back at it now not all was bad news when i left treatment in fact it was good practice i made the brave decision to try and live somewhere different in the first place, i tried to get a job, i had given it my all.

july 1st 2013 i got a lift back with a polish courier from an any van.com, as i drove out of london the hairs stood tall, i felt like i had been relaeased from prison although i havnt been to prison it felt amazing, this was the start of the journey, i had got a taste of what its like when recovery isnt all rosey was that then all that a bad thing (i think it was a good thing), i left london and got on the motorway and that was it i new that i was always destined to return home, i felt at ease and let free.

once i settled back home into life in birmingham, i set up m,y online amazon buisness, it went well, however it was only a a matter of time till that became a compulsion, i was sleeping very little and i was constantly thinking about the next sale, one thing led to aNOTHER and in no time my gambling had reached the worst state ever, then i contacted dudley and applied for treatment again, only to find that there was no spaces for months, all of a sudden i had a moment of madness, would that be the start of a change the realisation that sometimes you are told things for your own sake.

yes it was i decided i had to do this on my own, i had to find a routine that was not unhealthy, money forget the money that wasnt important what was important was a balnced and healthy lifestyle where i could find myself again and slowly pick up and get myself well.

for me the last three months have been a total change, i have felt more relaxed, i feel happy and i do things with my days, i keep busy i go the gym and i take things slowly.
Dont try and do things to quickly like get a job , for me the biggest mistake i ever made was the desperation to start earning again, that was old behaviour and for me it was always going to be unhealthy.

its now 14 days tills christmas, im looking forward to spending time with my uncle and nan over christmas day, i have a lot to think about for next year and some new years resolutions im sure to think about, one thing i would like to say is there is always hope, when you look at your problem its amazing how sometimes we exaggerate it so much, if you actually look at it , is it really that big, also i would like to wish everyone a happy Christmas and am looking forward to the ex residents Christmas meal next week, the gordon moody project is close to my heart and i now call my support worker and the place more than ever, i feel i have it in me now to call, its my therapy and it gives me the strength to continue on and beat this addiction which i will.

gordon moody project october 2012 – feb 8th 2013

ross hardyxx

[desdemona]

Hi thewizefox! I enjoyed reading your post. It just goes to show that everybody’s recovery is different. I believe that you are right when you say that an addict shouldn’t try and go back to work too soon, if they haven’t been working for a time. For many of us, we don’t have the emotional stability or the coping skills to deal with big changes in our life, plus battle our addiction. I find that as I age, I don’t cope as well. We can do what we can do, and that’s all. Way to go on asking for support. For a lot of us cgs, we have problems asking for support, as we don’t feel worthy of someone helping us. Putting some structure in our lives helps fill the hole that stopping compulsive gambling left. Wishing you a blessed Christmas season! Carole

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