30 January 2015 at 11:06 am #3636MelanyParticipant
Hello, I have been in a relationship with a CG for almost a year now.
During the first months I hadn’t realized that he was gambling at all….last summer, in August, he started gambling online at poker…he was doing so in front of me, since he was using my computer as he does not have one of his own. I did not really pay attention to it but at times I was worried because he played till very late at night and that made me uncomfortable. This is my forst relationship and at times I still find it difficult to tell what i feel, as i am naturally very shy….
Anyway later on when my bank statement came I realized that some money was missing from my account, that’ss when I faced him and asked him what was going on. He told me that he did not realize the money he took from my account (really i do not understand is it even possible that he did not know? could it be that some of my card details are saved on the computer?). So in September he stopped playing….until November when he started again….and heavily again I was too naive to recognize the problem until the 6th of January. That is when everything crashed down on me….
We are living together and this month I found out that in December he did not pay for his part of the rent, he told me that he had given her just a part of it as we had discussed (I was stupid enough not to check the receipt the landlady leaves us every month as from that I would have realized something). On the 6th he finally told me everything but I had to push it out of him. He had lost all the money from his salary and just had like 7£ left.
At the moment of the discussion he was completely rejecting me, trying to push me away, saying that he was sorry about everything that had happened and that he wanted me to be happy. I do not want to leave him, not now, I would like to help him. So we went to a GamCare counselling sessions…he was supposed to start on the 21st…(sadly from 11th to 21st I went home to visit my family and was not with him) he never went and arranged to have a longer meeting on the 28th…..he never went and did not even call the counsellor to tell them so. I found out today by checking his emails….I am currently managing his money and password protected the computer so that he does not have access to it while I am not at home.
He said that he does not want to go to the counselling sessions, and that the important thing is that he does not gamble.
I am at a loss, I am not sure of what to do and how to help him properly.30 January 2015 at 2:11 pm #3637velvetModerator
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, youll find the times for these if you click on the Group times box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself youll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and theyll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If youre the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isnt connected with GMA, please dont identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
Youll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which youll follow, some you wont…but thats ok because only you fully understand your
situation and whats best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you dont because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂
We look forward to hearing all about you!
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our30 January 2015 at 4:24 pm #3638velvetModerator
You may well be young but your attitude is mature, Starting a thread and writing your first post, which is always the hardest, will hopefully give you a head start on your partner’s behaviour.
Everything you are doing is right, protecting your password and handling the finances is great. However, CGs do have a knack of finding money so watch what comes in the post and keep checking your accounts for any odd movement. Knowledge of his addiction and its capabilities will give you power over it.
Your partner is the naïve one, believing that all he has to do is not gamble because unfortunately abstinence is not recovery. It is quite common for CGs not to turn up at GA or counselling meetings because they are afraid of what they will hear and what they may be called upon to do. Although your partner appears to be accepting he has an addiction, it seems to me that he is keeping the door open just enough to give him space to manoeuvre, in the hope that things will settle down so his addiction can go on its own sweet way.
It takes a lot of courage and determination to control the addiction to gamble. It is a secretive, divisive and all consuming addiction and your partner is lucky to have you and your strength on his side, although, unfortunately he will almost certainly not appreciate how lucky he is at the moment.
In this first post I will confine myself to telling you the most important thing you can do – and that is to look after ‘you’ which ultimately is also the finest thing you can do for your partner. However much an active CG loves someone, they are unable to accept responsibility for that relationship while their addiction dominates their minds 24 hours a day. Looking after you therefore will help to protect your relationship.
The addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money and that is something that all those who love CGs spend a lot of time trying to understand. I cannot tell you what to do but I recommend you do not try to make sense of the senseless, as it will wear you out and not help you at all. The addiction is all about the gamble – money is a means to an end and giving money to a CG is like giving a drink to an alcoholic.
Why is looking after you so important? When you devote your time and energy into a CG who is not controlling his/her addiction, it is easy to lose yourself. It is easy to spend 24 hours a day worrying until gradually your own personality is sucked up and the addiction claims a second victim. Your self-esteem and confidence can be destroyed with nothing gained for you or your loved one. Keep your other friendships alive, don’t give up on hobbies and interests and make sure that every day you spend time without gambling at the forefront of your mind. However much time you spend worrying, it will change nothing.
Keep posting, there is so much more to say but I remember trying to take it all in myself and I know it is easier in small doses. Ask all the questions you want to ask. Do you have family to support you? I appreciate that unless you have lived with this addiction if it almost impossible to understand what it is like and often friends and family do say all the wrong things through ignorance. However, with non-judgemental understanding here and loving support on the ground I hope you will find the strength you need.
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