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  • in reply to: Girlfriend’s problem is killing me. #4534
    ailujym
    Participant

    Hi Silhouette,

    I also found your username interesting. When I was living with my CG, I felt like a shadow of the person I really am. He was so self-centred that my life and needs were always secondary – or even further down the list as he gradually grew to hate me the more I resisted his problem. I am still grieving the pure, innocent love we once had before his gambling addiction destroyed everything, and I still pray every day that he will find recovery, although we have now been separated for five months…and I know how unlikely it is as all his friends and his parents are enabling him.

    But I just wanted to say that I also experienced the abuse, the blaming, the guilt…my self-esteem was crushed by my relationship with my CG, and now I am out of that situation I recover a little more each day, and my life is blossoming into what it should have been before his addiction got hold of me. It’s really amazing the things that are happening for me now, and I want to say that you can have this recovery too. I had to leave my CG to recover myself, that may not be the case for you, but I would like to echo the advice given in other posts to put yourself first.

    As you begin to take care of yourself the dynamic between you and your girlfriend will change. Either she will see that she needs recovery, or she will resist more and more…whatever the outcome, it will be clear to you what you need to do to protect yourself. Taking care of yourself, as hard and painful as the actions you may have to take in order to do that may be, is a win-win situation for you both. Refusing to enable your gf is the most loving thing you can do for her, although she may not see that now, or ever.

    If you are feeling suicidal you must get help now. You don’t deserve this. Take care of yourself.

    in reply to: Is there such a thing as a ‘winning player’? #3622
    ailujym
    Participant

    Hi everyone, I just wanted to post an update on my situation in case it may give some strength and hope to others.

    I just moved out of the home I shared with my CG for the second time. It was totally heartbreaking, but I know it was the right thing for me.

    Reading the advice on this site, the main piece of advice to F&F of CGs seems to be ‘put yourself first’. In my case, doing so has meant ending the relationship with my partner and leaving…and although I am extremely sad I also know I have saved myself a lot of future misery.

    When I went to the house to take my things away my ex cried like a baby…but EVEN THEN, with both of us in so much pain, he would not say he was willing to stop gambling. He still insists that it is not a problem because he makes a lot of money playing poker. That may be the case, but how many people would be happy with a partner who stays up all night gambling most nights – never shares a bed with them, forgets to wash, eats rubbish, and is always exhausted because of his nightly gambling sessions… I’m sure you all know the drill. For me it was the behaviour around the gambling, not the activity itself that was so destructive and toxic.

    The last straw for me was the way he gaslighted me, saying it wasn’t his gambling that was destroying us, it was my intolerance of it! That was when I knew I absolutely had to get out or my self-esteem would eventually be crushed.

    So I’ve found a very nice apartment for myself in a new town where I have friends, and am making a fresh start. I have been supported all the way by friends, family, my therapist, and the 12-step fellowship I am in….and for this I feel very lucky. I urge anyone who is caught in the madness of a relationship with a CG to reach out for support, and lots of it, because the addiction will try every possible tactic to gaslight you in to compliance.

    I cannot help hoping that the pain of the separation from my CG may trigger a ‘revelation’ for him – I am the second woman to leave him because of poker, but my sponsor says he is probably decades away from any such realisation as he still has a house, successful career, attention from women etc etc. So I know I need to let this hope go and move on with my life.

    I just wanted to say that it is possible to escape the madness, that although it hurts it feels so much better to be away from that darkness and toxicity and self-esteem battering…and many many thanks for the support I’ve had on this forum.

    in reply to: Is there such a thing as a ‘winning player’? #3621
    ailujym
    Participant

    Dear Velvet,

    Thank you so much for your post. It has really helped me to stay strong. I am still staying with friends but I have started looking for an apartment. I am not going back to live with my CG. Everyone in my life who cares about me has advised me against it, and I know they are right.

    But it is still extremely painful. Today I had to go to the house where we were living together, and where he still lives as he owns it (partly through the proceeds of poker!) I had to go as I needed some important documents, medication and warm clothes. It was heartbreaking. Seeing my ex for the first time in two weeks, the house where I tried so hard to make a home (when I am currently living out of suitcases in spare rooms), and the cat whom I really love (she has been sleeping on my blanket ever since I left 🙁 I miss the good stuff and our little world so much. And that’s the dangerous part…that’s where I start to get drawn in to his line that he cannot stop playing poker as he ‘has to make a living’ and it’s really not that bad and he doesn’t play that much and it’s not because of poker that he doesn’t sleep or wash and lives on burgers and chocolate…it’s just because he has a few bad habits and can’t I be more accepting and tolerant?

    I also know that it is a whole crazy, toxic ‘system’, supported by his parents, and they have way more power in this situation than me. He is very much still under their control, and they are obsessed with money and financial security. They put a great deal of pressure on him in that regard, especially since he has chosen a profession (against their wishes) which doesn’t usually reap great financial rewards. My ex told me they are happy he plays poker as he makes a lot of money at it, and I know this is true as I have talked to his father about it. And now that he has bought the house, he’ll have to keep playing in order to pay for the repairs that need doing, upkeep etc. He does appear to make good money at it, that’s true – but as I said before it’s the behaviours that go with it that I find so toxic to live with.

    I also believe that he is so talented in his profession and would go much further if poker wasn’t sucking up so much of his energy and time, but he sees poker as enabling him to do the work he loves. When we discuss these issues, we see everything from opposite angles.

    Anyway, I know it is no longer my problem as I have left. It was just so hard today. He kept saying that it felt so strange and wrong breaking up, that there was still such a strong connection between us – which is true…and he was so happy to see me, that the house feels so empty and pointless without me. It wasn’t manipulation to try and draw me back in, as he has been the one instigating breaking up our civil contract, so he has accepted the breakup. It was genuine sadness. So then…why won’t he do what it takes, when we are both in so much pain?

    But I know that I just have to keep moving forward with my life, find a nest for myself and focus on my needs. I have a strong spiritual faith and I believe that if he is meant to find recovery he will…but I can’t wait for that to happen.

    I agree with what you say about therapists often not understanding the true nature of addiction. Mine thought I should go back and keep trying to talk things through and try to get him to go to couples therapy. I knew that would not work – we did it before and it was useless – so I didn’t even try.

    Anyway thank you again for your comments and I would be happy to hear your thoughts on the above.

    in reply to: Is there such a thing as a ‘winning player’? #3619
    ailujym
    Participant

    It’s been a few months since I last posted, and reading my old posts today I can see that I’m in exactly the same position once again!

    I broke up with my CG in February and we lived separately for a while, but got back together. I missed him terribly, and did not feel strong enough then to be single. Finally I moved into the new house he had bought, partly with the proceeds of his poker-playing. I had many doubts about this but we still loved (love?) each other and it is a lovely house. Also the apartment I was living in was in a really unpleasant neighbourhood and I felt very depressed.

    Well, when we first got back together we were really happy for a while. He was going to therapy and trying to be ‘reasonable’ about his poker playing. But over the 5 months I lived in that house things gradually slipped back to being just the way they were before I broke up with him; he was staying up until 5 or 6am every night gambling – and therefore we never slept in the same bed, he would forget to wash or brush his teeth (sometimes for several days) while playing poker, and was constantly distracted, or obsessively talking about gambling/bitcoins/the next financial apocalypse/impending global doom.

    Given that he also has a job which takes him away from home a lot, I became extremely lonely as he was either out, or at home but not ‘present’ at all as he was in the obsession. Finally, after holding in my worries and anger for weeks and weeks, I exploded after he stood me up one day (he was off with some druggie friends). I became so furious that I broke a picture and kicked the front door so hard it came off the hinges. When he came home and saw the broken glass and swinging door, he was very shocked. I know it isn’t acceptable to act out on anger like this, and I felt very ashamed of myself. But the next day, he told me that he didn’t want to have a child with such an angry woman. I was so hurt by this. I’m 37, we’ve been trying to build a home to bring a child into for two and a half years – and I’m the one who’s done most of the work in that home, all the unpacking and decorating – and now I’m no further ahead than I was when I was single, before I met him.

    Anyway, at this point I realised that he is blaming me for things that aren’t my fault. I left to go travelling for two weeks. I wrote him an email saying I could no longer live with the poker lifestyle, and that a condition for us continuing a relationship would be that he would have to stop playing poker and get help. I also said I realised I had been part of the problem, as admittedly I’ve allowed him to support me financially by playing poker – while simultaneously disapproving of it. I expected he’d be angry, but initially he said he was touched by the letter and was thinking about it. Then next time we talked he said that he thought there was ‘no solution’, because even if he stopped playing poker we’d still have a major lifestyle clash, and that he had been talking to his friends who said they were surprised he ‘didn’t mind’ going out with someone like me, as I’m sober and have been in AA for eight years. I was furious as this is clearly turning it round on me: ‘it’s not my problem I’m a gambling addict, its yours for being in recovery.’ So I ended the relationship there and then.

    Now I am single, sleeping on people’s sofas, with nowhere to live. Luckily I have good friends who are willing to put me me up on sofas/in spare rooms, and I may have found a flat in a month’s time which I can afford (I’m on a tight budget as I got made redundant in June).

    But it is getting very hard being rootless and not having my own space, and I am feeling tempted to go back and try to talk to him again, as I love our home, and I feel very lost. My therapist also told me she thought I should talk to him again and see if he is willing to try couples therapy again (we tried it before and it was useless). But I am afraid if I go back now I’ll just get caught in the cycle again: I leave because his active addiction drives me crazy, but come back because I am emotionally/financially dependent.

    I’m thinking of trying to get a short-term let on a room or small flat for a month or so while I decide what to do. Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

    in reply to: Is there such a thing as a ‘winning player’? #3617
    ailujym
    Participant

    Dear Velvet,
    Is there an email address I could use to contact you? I would like to ask some more questions but I am concerned about posting them in a public forum…

    in reply to: Is there such a thing as a ‘winning player’? #3616
    ailujym
    Participant

    Dear Velvet,

    Thanks so much for your reply. I think you are a gift from the universe/my higher power/great spirit – to help me through this really tough but crucial step. You must be helping so many people with your kindness, experience, strength and hope. Your words have given me so much strength and helped me to stop blaming myself and being afraid.

    Even before I read your message I had decided to stay in my current flat and not move – not until or unless he addresses his addiction. I know in my heart it is the right thing to do, to protect myself – and my own recovery – from his active disease. That the most loving thing to do is not to enable him by continuing to live with and accept his addiction, and I don’t have to feel guilty about it.

    I’m not going to tell him it’s over, as it doesn’t have to be. But I know he will be angry and it will be a very difficult conversation. I’m going to tell him tomorrow so I expect I’ll be posting some more here after that! But I will try to take the approach you suggest of standing back, keeping my cool, just listening and not giving the addict something to get its teeth into. I’ve always known those conversations are a massive waste of time as they are dishonest and like being caught in a crazy loop that makes me doubt my own sanity – but I haven’t known how to avoid them or get out once I’m in.

    I know that if he is not ready to face his addiction he will move on to the next girl – the next enabler, and it will hurt, but it will be better for me in the long run. If it is really me he wants – and not just a caretaker, he may be ready to change but I also know that will be a long process. I guess I will just have to take it one step, one day at a time.

    Thank you again Velvet and many blessings to you in your own life.

    in reply to: Is there such a thing as a ‘winning player’? #3614
    ailujym
    Participant

    Dear Velvet, thank you SO much for your reply, it is super helpful. I would like to reply in more detail to some of your points but for now I have the immediate problem of having to decide today whether I am going to move to this new house in the new town, where I will be more isolated with him, or not. I have to decide because I have to tell my landlord now whether I am going to keep my current flat. When I read what you say about how the addiction comes from low self-esteem, I feel guilty as I know I will hurt him even more by dropping out of our plans for a future together. Since he is pretty much in denial about his addiction, he will probably not understand my decision or see it as justified and will likely end the relationship. We chose the new house together (although I don’t have a financial stake in it). It is so hard as I know I have to look after myself and the right thing for me is not to move, and isolate myself with his addiction, but I love him and I don’t want to lose him. If we were not living together, I could protect myself while trying to help him – eg by showing him the GA literature as you suggest. Thanks for any thoughts on this!

    in reply to: Is there such a thing as a ‘winning player’? #3612
    ailujym
    Participant

    Thank you Harry for your reply. I did not realise that gambling is not about the money. He seems very obsessed with money… Although I did suspect that for him it is also about covering up low self-esteem with the competitive high of winning. I also realise I am totally powerless over this, and I can only decide what is good for me. He thinks this life is fine and denies any suggestion of an addiction. He has built up a whole system of justification around it which even had me convinced until recently. Then it was like the scales suddenly fell from my eyes. It is like a sickness that is underlying every aspect of our life. He is definitely compulsive from what you say, that description fits, but because he seems to be making money at it and is also successful and well-liked in other areas of his life, he does not consider it a problem. When I voice my concerns I always end up feeling that I have imagined it, because he ‘normalises’ and justifies all the behaviours. It has been really draining and has undermined my confidence in my own judgement, and left me very confused. Anyway thanks again Harry for your helpful post.

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)