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andrea6054Participant
You are a kind person. ..I can tell that by the comments you leave for me. I used to be kind. …but now I’m a selfish b*tch…
Looks like we’re about the same age. …so I totally understand that your goal is to be debt free for your retirement. .. I would love the same. ….it’s going to take me years upon years to get out of the financial mess I so readily threw myself into. ..
Here’s to both of us collecting our pensions with a clear conscience!
Andreaandrea6054ParticipantHi Vera. ..Thanks for your message.
Do you know. ..I was brought up in Ireland as a Catholic and went to school in a convent. …and I definitely had the fear of God well and truly instilled in me as a child.
I couldn’t tell a lie to save my life, never mind anything else.
Over the years (and there’s been 50 of them)…my relationship with God/religion has dwindled to almost zero. …and yet I’ve still heard myself say Please God let me win /get the bonus/jackpot. …whatever. …
I have gone from a person who, at one stage, couldn’t tell one single lie. …to one who has almost made a career out of it.
And that’s just the start! !
Lying is/has become second nature. ..along with greed, stealing, manipulating, hurting people….the whole shebang..
.
Now. ..I don’t have any desire to become a Bible bashing convert. …but I do so wish I could regain all those decent character qualities that I’ve allowed this thing to destroy. ..
I’m hoping they’re just buried deep and I can find them again. …and they’re not lost forever. I want to be a good person again.
I haven’t been on the slots now for a day. ….there’s no money to gamble.
However. …Saturday is a day for horseracing on TV. …always did the Scoop 6 and some placepots on a Saturday. …I never get carried away with the horses ….only the slots.
But this Saturday I refrained from allowing Mr On/Off include my selections in any bets.
He didn’t cause an issue….It was not mentioned again.
Since I’ve taken these teetering steps towards what I hope will be a full recovery. ..I have not felt so physically ill in my life. ….massive exaggeration there. …I’m sure there’s been times when I have. ..but how I’m feeling now is like my body (not my mind) wants to expel this evil physically.
And also. ..gambling always had me in a high state of anxiety. …I’m feeling more relaxed now. ..and I think my body is responding by letting me know how much I’ve neglected it over the years.
I also note l am whinging a lot. …I have read some posts on here by people who are upbeat and positive in the main. …Whilst I’m nothing but downbeat and negative at the moment. ..and I do not like it. I want to be positive. ..it’s just not happening naturally right now! !andrea6054ParticipantThank you Micky. …there’s just no two ways about it. …it’s now or never. …
I wish you all the best too in this dreadful battle.
Andreaandrea6054ParticipantHopefully you are dead right and I get my life back. I cannot stress how grateful I am to have this opportunity and will do my utmost to ensure it works.
Thank you for taking the time to talk to me when I first came on this site. The helping hand and wise words have kept me going.
Velvet. …Thank you for taking the time to write all that you did above. What an understanding person you are. You are right when you say that I too am realising the severity of it now. ..when you look in the mirror and don’t recognise what,not who, is looking back at you. …when you can’t afford to feed yourself or go to work ….when you haven’t had your hair done for months on end….when you have sold just about everything. And your heath starts to suffer. ..You realise, like I am now, that severity has now become rock bottom. Friends have dropped like flies. Family. …well that’s another story.
My whole life is consumed with this thing and the consequences thereof. ..It just has to stop!
Your husband/partner is a very lucky man.
What’s luck? !!! It’s not gambling. …that’s for sure!!
I appreciate you both writing to me and I’m praying with all my v heart that this is the beginning of the end of this torture in my life.
Andreaandrea6054ParticipantLauren. ..it’s looking like I will be seeing you after all in June. ..Amy just rung offering me a place! I am so pleased and finally can see a glimmer of light (still not opening the blinds though! )..
andrea6054ParticipantI love that. …
andrea6054ParticipantHi Happy….thanks for your lovely message.
Unfortunately I don’t get paid for another 3-4 weeks as I blew this month’s wages in one fail swoop! So I’ve got a long way to go yet! !
The thing about the house is, I think losing it would be far more detrimental to me and there is no way I’d be able to concentrate on anything positive if I became homeless. So in my mind it’s the best option now that I’ve finally admitted my problem and am trying to do something about it.
I hope you are doing ok yourself. …I enjoy reading and writing here more than I ever thought I would. …perhaps I might become addicted to it! !andrea6054ParticipantI am consumed with thoughts of slots and spinning. ..and getting lost in them. To try and combat this I’ve down loaded some non gambling games to my phone such as Panda Pop of all things ….In the hope that they will distract my brain instead. It works to a point….until some voice tells me. ..”This is boring. ..there’s no money involved here”….so I lose interest. …then the temptation comes back. …but I’ve closed my account and have no money anyway. . Which is in a bizarre way a blessing.
So. ..anyway. ..go round the boyfriends house last night. He cooked me another dinner, which was sweet of him. And then we get onto the subject of money and what the bank have said about him paying my mortgage arrears so that I can save my house. Or he can. …more like. I told him that, as predicted, they told me payment must come from a card registered at my address. I asked them how silly will they look in court when it comes to light that they have refused to accept payment, so after much discussion she agreed that he could pay if we arranged a password and other security issues. So. ..I’m telling him all this. ..and he says “Ok. ..we’ll go do it now. …ring them up”… I said they close at 5.30. …The next thing you know he says. …
“If I transfer the money into your account will you promise me you’ll pay them first thing in the morning? ”
Well. ..from the bottom of my being I screeched like a woman possessed at him: “No!!!!! Do not give me any fkn money! !!!!!!!!!” (It came out with such force I think I frightened the life out of him! )
And yet the majority of me was already fighting back telling me to let him and secretly planning when I could play with it.
And this is my house we’re talking about. ..and the kindness of another human being. …there is no limit to how evil this other thing inside me is.
So. …After he’d recovered from my outburst. ..He said he’d ring them himself. Then I felt an overwhelming loss…..and secretly inside was sulking that he’d denied me my play time.
Because believe me. ….had that money gone in my account at eight o clock last night, it would be gone again by now.
I don’t think he’s fully grasped the severity of my illness.
I’m writing all this because when I read it back it scares me when I see what I’ve turned into. I can’t believe it’s me I’m writing about.andrea6054ParticipantHi Vera. …thanks for your words. ..I agree with everything you say. . I know what the right thing to do is regards finances. ..but I do not want to lose my house …even though I’ve pretty much resigned myself to it.
To be brutally honest with you, Vera, the real real reason I won’t get out and do the car myself is because I have so many debt collectors and bailiffs after me. ..The last thing I want is to be caught on the street washing a car. …
andrea6054ParticipantThank you Micky. ….you’re right. …payday is going to be a disaster for me ….I need to sort someone to help with that.
I’m off sick too at the moment. ..apart from the fact I am really in no fit mental state to go anyway. ….petrol is an issue….what a state to be in at this stage of my life!andrea6054ParticipantThank you both. …I closed the account just now. …..that’s not to say I self excluded. . .
The first chap wanted to review my account after I told him I wanted to close it. But then he got cut off.
Which in a way was a blessing. …
Because the second person was a right snotty woman. .. (for want of a better phrase )….and closed it immediately. ..With the words “Your Account is now closed”…
No thanks for being a loyal customer and giving them my life then! !
Not that I expected it obviously. ..from those callous people.
Today’s other problem is I have a company car and it’s filthy due to my neglectful behaviour. It’s due to go back for a service. …if I don’t get it cleaned they’re going to charge me an absolute fortune. ….and I can’t afford it now. …
You could say do it yourself. …
I could say I would if I knew how to get a car back to showroom condition.
Or maybe I’m just lazy. …
These small things I’ve been putting on the back burner for so long have now turned into insurmountable issues.
I’ve even played slots at work. …and when time to go home if I’ve been on a “winning streak”….I’ve continued to play whilst driving home! !
Had it in my head that if I logged out and in again my streak would be gone!
Have you ever heard anything so obsessive in your life? !!!
The more I write and confess on here the more I realise how badly invaded my brain is. …andrea6054ParticipantThanks Lauren. …your words choked me up. ..brought a lump to my throat. I think our posts crossed each other. …
You were telling me. …and I was telling myself. …to close that account.
And the devil won. …it’s still open
I’m going to do it now. …
Standby. ….andrea6054ParticipantWell. …that didn’t last long.
I decided to self exclude myself from the site that’s robbed me of my life. …when that thing in my head said claim your loyalty points first. ….so I did. ..
Then I spun it away.
Couldn’t deposit anymore as have no money.
The thing is. …This drove me, against all my willpower to want to play. …and had I had money it would have been gone.
Account still not closed …..andrea6054ParticipantOk…so yesterday I didn’t do any spinning of online slots. …because I have no money left anyway. In a day or two they will text me with free credits ….They always do…. .to lure me back in. ….what will happen then I wonder. ….still haven’t managed to close that one account….it’s the one I blew all my wages for the month on. I’ve already had a text every day since offering me deposit match bonuses. ….generally if I ignore them (through lack of funds usually) ….They will give me free credits.
I went round Mr On/Off’s house last night and he fed me. …Thank God. …I was starving.
We had more discussions and although I heavily hinted that I needed a financial controller. …He didn’t offer and I didn’t ask outright.
My house is due to be repossessed in a week or so. . What he did say last night was he’d pay my arrears directly. …if I give him the details today. ….as he will not be putting money in my bank account. ….can see where he’s coming from. I already blew a thousand pounds of his the last time.
Of course. …what will happen is they’ll probably say that the payments must be made from a card registered to this address…like they did the last time. And I’ll be back to square one.
I am glad I told him though. …I’ve always come across as a funny independent successful person. …standing in front of him last night I felt like a vulnerable child. This he could see….and made him quite protective. …a side to himI have either never seen or just been blind to, as my thoughts always went to my losses or how soon I could get rid of him so I could retreat into my world of slots and try to win it back. …which did happen. … but I never withdrew.
Anyway. …..I came back to my house early this morning. There’s a pile of bills (unopened) which I cannot begin to even look at. ..
I looked around and realised that the house is almost empty anyway. …I’ve sold everything of any value.
And I mean everything.
And still I’m thinking. …if there was money in my account right now. …would I be here writing this. ..or doing the usual.
I fear I’d be doing the usual. …With scant regard for the mess I’m in.
However. .. I’m so glad I can come here and at least spew out a few feelings and thoughts that other people can identify with.andrea6054ParticipantHi Lauren. …thanks for taking the time to write all the above. …I have applied for residential and have telephone interview tomorrow. ….I am hoping I am accepted as I fear and dread the future without some serious help. …In fact. …without help I haven’t got a future. …I want my life back. …
I want to have the ability to go to the local shop and buy something to eat without having to scrape around for pennies first.
I’ve also shoplifted food last month. …
I am utterly disgusted with myself. …but if I am not picked up and put through a wash cycle soon. …I fear I’ll be living in the laundry basket forever. …
I don’t even raise the blinds in this house so no one can see in. .. (and see whatever is left. …that I haven’t already sold)…
This is no way to live. …
I have closed numerous accounts before. …but then just opened new ones. ….
Then the devil tells me that because I’m new I will have to play for quite a while before I win. ….that makes it worse.
So I go back again to the old one. …to get what they owe me.
In fact in end up giving them both more money. ..
Then I fear I can’t close either because one of them is going to pay out soon. ….
I am physically and mentally ill over this.
There’s been days when I can’t afford the petrol to work. ..
And seeing as I only got paid on 25th and I’ve already done my wages. …I can’t afford to go to work for the next four werks….so Im off sick. .
I just want to be me again before I got infested with this rampaging torture. ..I’ve truly lost my own mind.
The upshot. …I’m down to eight stone. ..my cupboards are bare. .my clothes don’t fit….couldn’t tell you the last time I got my hair done. .look like a tramp and probably soon will be. It’s a picture of total neglect. …
And I too have a good job. …
I am an intelligent woman whose brain has been taken over.
I’m a stupid one to have allowed it to happen. -
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