[bonnie62]

Hi IRock, I read your journal entries and appreciate your depth and detailed thoughts and feelings of the journey. Yes, let’s keep going, as you stated in your last post. Let’s continue on the journey and share. Happy Spring renewal. b62

[bonnie62]

I thought that yesterday could yield a fanfare of delight for me at 6 months marker. It was not that kind of day. It did not feel like a celebration at all. What did happen are some synchronicities that prompted more depth. I now see how perfect yesterday was . Today is very ordinary. It’s a rainy colder inside kind of day and I feel lazy. I also am warding off the onset of a cold. Toast with more butter than I usually allow myself and raspberry jam is divine. Spring is now the marking point of greater resolve and new directions due to the sync. events of yesterday. Blessings in disguise ? Sometimes that is how our blessings are delivered making them a challenge to see and it’s up to us/me /you/I to be aware enough to see through the veil and breath in that blessing. Words. Feelings. Choices. b62

[bonnie62]

At the height of this addiction I had about the same amount of money in the bank as I do today, but,  next to what I had lost it looked like nothing! It looked like nothing and it felt like nothing because I felt like nothing due the the shame. Today, at 6 months slot free , I see it as a blessing and I’m grateful. My spiral went down down down and it was a very very slow climb up to my modest savings. I also was not injured back then and I was younger but I was focused on the downward spiral and  I was in and fear/ flight or fight mode. I still have fears but I’ve pretty much stopped the downward spiral for a spell. I don’t have assets or even a job aat this point because I have a work injury but I have some hope, some time free of slots and a little savings.  I want to dig my heels in and say whoa! This is an awesome shift of perspective. Just for today odaat , I’m continuing on the journey of recovery and discovery, even at my age! I feel a little cold coming on. I have circumstances that call for lots of patience and challenge my sanity and sobriety but I’m taking a deep breath… I’m putting my palms together and saying thank GOd. b62

[bonnie62]

Here goes… I had 3 months clear of casinos and also 3 months prior to that. Anyway, I was using online resources and I could not log into a certain recovery site for days, also an online meeting was canceled and I really needed to touch based with someone about urges. Truth is, I could have found plenty of help. I think I was upset about relationship issues at that time and had not gone back to codependent’s anon for help. so there I was, having urges and emotional pain . I jumped into my care and drove to a far off casino ( I’m banned at all local ones). I had several hundred in my wallet ( bad move). I had my atm card ( another bad move). And in the course of a few hours I used the cash plus max. atm withdrawal. I was so much in the zone that I took out 2 cash advances for hundreds of dollars. I lost over 2 grand that day, the most I ever put in in one session. I have not been to a casino since then and I’ve been doing alot of work on my recovery and relationship(s) along with dealing with healing traumas of the past. I could have found a really deep bottom beyond my large loss but I just dusted myself off and dug in my heels . I had to take responsibility for my slip up and move on. Life has been challenging because as the days and months go by I am uncovering all the emotional baggage of my past which I tried to cover. Yes, I did heal and do some recovery work all throughout my life. But once the gambling set in it was dooms day. I’m happy to be here seeking support to continue. b62

[bonnie62]

Thx. steev, your  reply is sitting very well with me today.  🙂 I’ve wanted to treat myself on the 6 month anniversary.  I’ll be thinking about something that serves the body  , mind and spirit.  I am walking over the threashold into new territory… it could so easily shift in a moments notice to a purely addictive choice so I’m not celebrating until the exact day and after that day it’s only odaat …  I have to recommit to wanting more of a well rounded good life each day.  I’ve been sometimes just laying around and a bit depressed due to all the emotions and life issues I coped with in addictive ways.  Recovery  is necessary and valuable work.  b62

[bonnie62]

I get the analogy about the loose thread. One thread can unravel an entire sweater if you start to pull.  Even if it does not completely ruin the entire sweater , it’s hard to fix once the unraveling starts and the sweater may loose an entire arm until I’m done pulling the thread.  I don’t even want a hole in the sweater , that’s why I came here.  It’s scarey and it’s worth it… gotta stay odaat and go to resources for help as needed instead of being complacent.  I know from the past that complacency equals danger a destruction/ eroding of the foundation.  It’ easy to write.  In the past I’ve written so much on other sites . I want to keep sharing but it’s the hard work that will pay off.  I really don’t know anything except that if it’s not odaat then I’m letting down my gaurds and considering the string pull as you said.  I like to walk in fresh aire but I really don’t remember a time when my ‘pie’ graph of life felt really balanced and complete.  I do want to balance my life : work/play, joy, fun/ community/ health//family and friends/ creativity etc.   b62

[bonnie62]

It’s very healing and helpful to get understanding, not just about compulsive gambling problems in general but about the specific ways it shows up for different people. It feels like a god send when I get exactly the understanding of a certain detail that I need. Yesterdaay I received understanding about how, when some of us l, like myself, have turned into binge gamblers through trying to recover for years on end. I tried to recover and greatly lessened my gambling and ability to even go to near by casinos because I self excluded. But I would travel and have a blow out after a few months or a month went by. sometimes I would not stop there but would have a relapse period where I gambled once a week for a periord of time … either or. What the point is is that my pattern was stopping for 2 weeks to 4 months many times over… so my body and brain programed strongly to this pattern. Now at six months I’m dealing with my brain not knowing this new territory and sometimes screaming at me in withdrawal because it misses the chemical rush ( I guess). I received some understanding about this pattern. At least I know that it is not uncommon and that yes, it is realistically hard to break this binge cycle. I don’t feel alone . This is good. b62

[bonnie62]

Hi there. Glad your holding in there despite the challenges. It’s not easy but you’re worth it. Got to keep reminding myself also.
But about the heart pain. I had stabbing pains in my heart area due to the stress of gambling and the other unattended to details of life. It was very scary! I took herbal heart nourishment and calming pills for over 2 years and now , many years later my heart is strong again. All the best! Healing will happen. B62

[bonnie62]

Hi idi, Good to chat with you a few times recently. I read what you said about ‘maybe being one of those people who is better off forgetting that gambling exists’. I know what you mean, I think. Sometimes when I emmerse myself in recovery talk and sharing and reading etc. , gambling is so so much on my mind. I need sites like this but I also need to put the subject of gambling aside and find my ‘fun and joy ‘ again with other subjects/activities/ interests/creativity. 🙂 Nice that you shared about having fresh chicken instead of lunchmeat ham. It’s the simple things that make life more delicious. odaat. Bonnie

[bonnie62]

I was feeling emersed within the restraint of urges this am and to be honest for weeks now. They come and go. This morning I wrote in this journal and then I pulled myself together and went for a walk into town. When I go for a walk or a short bike ride I sometimes have no intent other than to get out of the house and breath. Today when I arrived home I felt a stronger resolve. My breathing is deeper. My head is not spinning. I’m just gong to have to work through many days such as this for a long time. omg. Just the way it is. Bonnie

[bonnie62]

I can not restrain my wild impulsive risk taking freedom seeking self. How can I channel some of this into pursuits and pleasures which do not involve relapse? Restraint does not work for me because I want to break out / break away. damn this is hard. Then there is the sensible me , the healer, the reserved personality, the frugal minded gal. This is a crazy opposition. I can not polarize to either side. Got to find the center . Inner resolve is like a firm foundation and restraint is the wild horse. I’m trying to feel the inner resolve. Bonnie

[bonnie62]

Going to coda meetings and tapping into literature helps me somewhat, with the old family issues and current relationship stuff. Also helps to sift through the decades of my life. tara

[bonnie62]

For me, as I walk /live out this new territory of having nearly 6 months from my slot machine addiciton, I’m feeling and remember more. Everything that’s ever hurt me, everything that happened in my life without resolution, all my choices that could have been better etc. etc. I say, OKAY. Strip it away, strip away the barriors, strip away the bandaids of the deeply hidden hurts of the past. Show me my life raw and real so I can have a chance to deal honestly with everything. None of theses things have killed me. This new territory is a landscape I must walk, there is no other choice. To turn around and go back to the fake comfort of self destructive ways is to choose death… a slow death of spirit which I’ve now walked away from and started anew. But, this territory is full of the real deal. Prayer and healing energetic practices are my aid and so are resources where others are also choosing not to turn around and run back to the broken arms of addiction. Bonnie

[bonnie62]

I appreciate your poem, it speaks to so many aspects of the life of a compulsive gambler. I surely know. bonnie

[bonnie62]

I’m new and I was looking for the diaries of the people who posted on my first entry. I could not find one for steev but I found THIS… which I guess turned into your diary. Seems everyone is appreciative of your contributions here. Hello Steev. and hello anyone else who reads this. I hope to get to a topic meeting in the near future. 🙂 bonnie

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