[caribbean blue]

Hi

For me reducing the amount I see, text and call my ex has been really good for me. I have been lonely for sometime in our marriage so not always communicating with him or seeing him has not been a big change for me. He has felt that change though and is angry by it. I don’t put him first anymore. I don’t make myself available to him as I did before. He does make wise cracks about me wanting “change”. I just smile to myself and carry on with the conversation. I am getting better with setting boundaries with him and being more assertive and sometimes he sees that as me being bitchy. I am just speaking my truth and he is not use to that.

I also keep a journal which I sometimes write harsh words and negatives thoughts but they need to come out and I find it healing. Some days I can feel sad, mad, bitter, and resentful. It makes for an exhausting day but I am dealing with the feelings instead of pushing them aside. Life for me has been isolating so I am looking into things to get me out of the house. It has been an eye opening journey so far.

Talk soon
CB

[caribbean blue]

Hi Velvet, thanks for the support. My counsellor was the one to recommend co-dependents anonymous as I have behaviours I have developed with dealing with my sister and parents over the years. I have taken these behaviours into all my adult relationships and really need to look at how much I am willing to give up to be with a partner. The gambling did consume me and I did loose myself in the addiction. Putting myself first and learning to care and love me is my priority. I do really need to figure out a lot of stuff to have a more balanced life.

Thanks
CB

[caribbean blue]

Hi Velvet

This past week has been emotional for me. I am attending meetings and reading literature from Gam-Anon and Co-dependents Anonymous. This has brought up emotions and of course been a bit frightening. The worry and obsession with him and his addiction have taken over my life. Being 4 months apart now, I am starting to think clearer and my thoughts aren’t on him all the time. Not being around him and not communicating much with him, helps me greatly. I am focusing more on me and dealing with my emotions when they come up and reminding myself I need to “love the self” and “put myself first”. I need to let him go and let his Higher Power look after him. It is not my job. I really need to focus on self care and be really aware of my emotions. I do see an improvement in myself and I am proud of that.

Talk soon
CB

[caribbean blue]

Thanks for the support Velvet. I have lost touch with friends over the years so my husband was the main person I talked to and hung out with. My friends and I lost touch way before he had a gambling problem. My counsellor helps as do my parents (for the most part). They are getting better. I do have a support group I phone in to. I just think I get impatient and want things to get done quicker than what is realistic. I do have to focus more on me and that can be hard as I am so use to focusing on him and his problem. Baby steps though. I am getting better at noticing that I am doing that.

Talk soon
CB

[caribbean blue]

Hi

Things with my parents have gotten better for the most part. Sometimes they do get frustrated as they things are not progressing or moving to slow. I have made changes in myself and do feel stronger. I am doing as much as I can about my self care. Recently I scheduled an appointment with the bank to get my name off his car loan and he did not even show up. This is the 3rd time I have rescheduled. He did not call or text. Is he just stringing me along? Right now he gives me the money for the car loan and I pay it but it can not stay like this for the remainder of the loan. One moment he wants the load and bank stuff done and then he cancels. His moods change so quickly and we don’t speak a lot so I don’t know where he is staying right now and if that is playing into his mood swings. Frustrating.

Thanks
CB

[caribbean blue]

Hi Velvet

I am thankful that there are people like yourself that do understand. You are a total stranger and I feel more support from you. My mom says she is reading more about it online but she does have a hard time understanding it all. It just seems so easy she says to just take his cheques and control his money. I don’t really talk to them about the gambling much anymore and just keep it to other things. It is not my responsibility my counsellor says to make them understand. I will just have to learn to let certain things go. She wants me to be nasty and spiteful but I don’t have the energy for that. I just want to be civil and get on with my life. One day at a time. Some days are OK and others are not so good.

Thanks for the kind words.

Talk soon.

[caribbean blue]

Hi

Thanks for the response and supportive words. I do feel myself getting stronger and not being around the drama that comes with my husband’s problem, I am less anxious.

My parents are helping me financially right now and I think that is the sore spot for them. They knew about the debt before we split but they did not have to do anything about it. Now I need their help to replace the money that my husband would put in. They have always had problems with emotional support. They don’t always listen that good and want to provide the advice even though they don’t know how to deal with addiction. They are very angry right now and I unfortunately get the brunt of it.

My dad keeps asking me when he will put money in for debt repayment. I say not sure but while he is actively gambling he probably will not. That is not a good enough answer though as he keeps asking.

The time the group is at is in the middle of the work day for me so I am not sure if I will be able to join. I will see how things go.

[caribbean blue]

Hej Tak for svar og støttende ord. Jeg føler, at jeg bliver stærkere og ikke er omkring det drama, der følger med min mands problem, jeg er mindre angst. Mine forældre hjælper mig økonomisk lige nu, og jeg tror, det er det ømme sted for dem. De kendte til gælden, før vi splittede, men de behøvede ikke at gøre noget ved det. Nu har jeg brug for deres hjælp til at erstatte de penge, min mand ville lægge i. De har altid haft problemer med følelsesmæssig støtte. De lytter ikke altid så godt og vil give rådene, selvom de ikke ved, hvordan de skal håndtere afhængighed. De er meget vrede lige nu, og jeg får desværre styr på det. Min far spørger mig hele tiden, hvornår han vil lægge penge ind til tilbagebetaling af gæld. Jeg siger ikke sikker, men mens han aktivt spiller, vil han sandsynligvis ikke gøre det. Det er dog ikke et godt nok svar, mens han bliver ved med at spørge. Det tidspunkt, gruppen er på, er midt på arbejdsdagen for mig, så jeg er ikke sikker på, om jeg vil være med. Jeg vil se, hvordan tingene går.

[caribbean blue]

Olá, obrigado pela resposta e palavras de apoio. Sinto que estou ficando mais forte e não estando em volta do drama que vem com o problema do meu marido, estou menos ansiosa. Meus pais estão me ajudando financeiramente agora e acho que esse é o ponto sensível para eles. Eles sabiam da dívida antes de nos separarmos, mas não precisaram fazer nada a respeito. Agora preciso da ajuda deles para repor o dinheiro que meu marido colocaria. Eles sempre tiveram problemas com suporte emocional. Eles nem sempre ouvem bem e querem dar conselhos, embora não saibam como lidar com o vício. Eles estão muito zangados agora e eu, infelizmente, recebo o pior disso. Meu pai fica me perguntando quando vai colocar dinheiro para pagar dívidas. Eu digo que não tenho certeza, mas enquanto ele está jogando ativamente, provavelmente não o fará. Essa não é uma resposta boa o suficiente, embora ele continue perguntando. O horário em que o grupo está é no meio do dia de trabalho para mim, então não tenho certeza se poderei entrar. Vou ver como vão as coisas.

[caribbean blue]

Hi, sorry you are going thru this. It is a very hard decision to make. I am recently separated from my husband who has been gambling for the past 5 1/2 years. I have given him many chances to go to counselling and get help. Too much has happened though and I am very emotional. You have to do what is best for you, your kids and your sanity and well being. It is hard to love someone who does all this and in my husband’s case tells me that he loves gambling. I do feel better being apart from him though. I am not caught up in the gambling cycle. Keep strong.

[caribbean blue]

Hi I don’t enable my husband anymore. 100% of the household bills are in my name so I will pay them no matter what. The credit card debt is on my cards so I have to at least make the minimum payments. I am not going to not pay a bill to make a point to him as it is my credit. I don’t give him money for the personal bills that are in his name. If he doesn’t pay them, they don’t get paid or he borrows from his friends. I can manage on my own meaning pay bills, my gas and my food. His wage would help so much to get those bills paid down so much quicker. I’m impatient in waitng for him to say he is going to get some help. I don’t see too many options. We stay together and wait for him to want help or ask him to leave. 

[caribbean blue]

Hi

Part of my issue is that I have no control over what he does and if he ends up helping with the bills. It is hard for me. The feeling of hopelessness.

I do have control over our bills and everything is in my name. My credit is still good but I am at the point now that I really just want to start paying down my credit card bills. We could do it so quick if he would help out. Living month to month is tight if he does not chip in but I can get by. The thing is I don’t want to just get by any more. I want to get ahead and move on from this spot we are in.

I did go to my doctor and have changed a few things in my life and they seem to be helping. It is a hard road though and my emotions go up and down.

I am just so impatience right now.

[caribbean blue]

Hi It has been a roller coaster of emotions the last couple of weeks. I have additional stress from family and my job so the issue with my husband can put me over the edge.

My husband actually spoke to a counsellor not actually went to a group meeting. His friend goes to AA and he referred him. My husband does not have a drinking problem but the counsellor spoke to him anyway. My husband said he will not go again and did not talk much about it and seemed defensive. I did not push it as eventually he may talk about it.

Last night we spoke again about his problem and he did open up a bit more and what I got from the conversation is he is very depressed and just does not seem hopeful. He seems to think the money he makes is not enough even if he works overtime it won’t help to pay off the debt he owes. He has this time table to pay things off and it is not realistic. He wants a quick fix.

I offered to go to couples counselling with him and even talked about hotlines and online help but he seems to think no one will be able to help him and he is the only one that can help himself. Not sure how to help him from here.

[caribbean blue]

It has been awhile since I have posted. Things were going pretty good. My husband had cut back on his gambling not totally quit though. He was contributing every payday and had found a balance on his own to pay for his own gas and not have too much pocket change between pay days. He would give me money for groceries and to pay against the debt.

We went to his daughters high school graduation out of town a few months ago and he worked overtime to get the extra money needed. Something has changed the past two months though. He is back to gambling his whole check in a couple of days and not coming home. Avoiding me of course.

I have changed a lot in the past year and see my growth but I find my patience is thin and I will not tolerate the same things as last year. Two months has been too much for me this year and I told him so. Not going back to that again.

I said he needed to decide if he wanted to gamble or be married and he said marriage but I see now that I should have worded that different. He would not actually pick gambling and say that to my face.

He told me yesterday that he went to a meeting but we have yet to talk about it as yesterday we had Thanksgiving dinner and we were with company shortly after he arrived home.

I totally don’t believe that he went and feel bad thinking that but he does lie and he knows I am at my wits end.

The talk will be tonight though. Its a hard road and don’t 100% know if I have the strength to do this.

[caribbean blue]

My husband as well gets paid on Friday and I am not sure if he will contribute to the credit card debt which is his responsibility. Payday should be a good thing but over the past 15 months has become a stressful time.

I look at my husband differently and have lost some respect for him as well. I have even told him so when he was in a good frame of mind. He was sadden by this and I do see him being more emotionally supportive and following through more. It is a day by day thing though.

You can find Gam Anon online for your city/country. I have not gone yet but I did find it for the city/country I live in. You should also be able to call the helpline on this website for information on Gam Anon and counselling services.

Only you know your breaking point. I wonder as well when or if that will come for me. I have changed the way I communicate with my husband so he is responding different. I stay calm and say what I have to say confidently. If he gets defensive I tell him we can continue this later. I do not want to give in to the “protective” gambler addict.

Take care

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