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  • in reply to: am I doing the right thing? #6012
    CSoward
    Participant

    Forgot to mention that my mom has formed an opinion that we’re rich and have unlimited resources, which isn’t true and I’ve tried to explain. Maybe I inadvertently helped with that by lending her money over the years, but since I’m retired now, things have changed. Lately I’ve realized that probably nearly all of the mean things she says are the gambling addiction part of her talking. I did go visit a counselor a couple of times and he was very helpful and soothing, but I don’t seems to be able to say no to my mom. That may be a moot point now, but I’m considering going back to the counselor. Thanks, Cathy

    in reply to: am I doing the right thing? #6011
    CSoward
    Participant

    Hello, thank you for your very kind comments awhile back. Unfortunately things are about the same, maybe worse. I’ve given my mom $2600 since March to cover a hospital bill and other bills since she didn’t have the money due to gambling. When she told me to put more in her account night before last and that she would pay me back over the next several months, I said that would be good because I was saving up for property taxes. The next morning, yesterday, she called and said I was so selfish and ungenerous and why was I worried about property taxes, just get my husband to pay them! I handle our financial info, so it’s all one pot, but I think she was just mad because even though I said I would put money in her account, it wasn’t with a generous attitude, to her way of thinking. Also, lately she’s been describing past events in ways they didn’t happen and blaming me, saying for example that I said having a home helper was too expensive, when she actually said that; when I offered to pay entrance fees for her to live in a nice retirement home that she chose, and she said she could manage the monthly fee, when they called her with an opening she turned it down and then renewed the lease on her apartment, because she thought the monthly fee was too high. Now she says I refused to help her with her monthly fees, pay her hospital bill, etc, and says she never said those things, which she did. All things that I DID give money for or offer to do, but I don’t know where the money went once she had it and she says I never gave her any. So yesterday she said to leave her alone and let her live her own life since she thinks I’m so selfish and judgmental. At this point, I’m giving it a rest, but I do worry about her because she’ll be 84 next month and doesn’t get around well and things are getting harder. Everything I try to do from a distance seems to be wrong in her opinion and her gambling is escalating, based on the amount and frequency of her money requests. A couple of months ago, she said that as long as I had money, she’d be fine. I was pretty stunned by that but didn’t say anything and later I realized she doesn’t have any boundaries on gambling. I know I should have stopped this years ago, but every time she says she has no food for a couple of weeks, I feel terrible and she guilts me into it, or yells or is generally mean. My husband is tired of it, she’s now cut off everyone in our family and is typically mad at me, although I’ve been going to help her more often, about 3-4 times a year and she’s very appreciative then. But now I’m to leave her alone. I realize this is kind of rambling and there’s more that didn’t go well, but that’s the gist of it. Thank you for reading, Cathy

    in reply to: am I doing the right thing? #6009
    CSoward
    Participant

    Thank you Velvet for your kind words. The last few days I’ve been consumed by guilt because I’m determined not to dig into our retirement funds to loan to my mom but worried about how she’s doing. But I am taking a break and will leave contact up to her. I’ve also arranged to see a counselor, and that is scheduled for the end of November. I realized today that my real mistake is not that I’m not willing to loan her any more now, but that I should have make this decision years ago and then maybe things wouldn’t have gotten to this point, but water under the bridge at this point. Thank you for this safe space.

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