[Fritz]

Thanks Steev. I really like metaphors, they help me to visualize lots of different situations. Turbulence and mid-flight corrections. This is a good way to view it and I’ll keep it in mind. Unfortunately at this time after so long under the shadow of gambling I’m feeling quite down about how much this disease controls me and how much suffering it has inflicted, but I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other and attempt to focus on the positive aspects of my recovery. Thanks again I appreciate the support.

[Fritz]

I held out with one Roth IRA investment account. I told myself I would keep the money in there fixed on a total market fund until retirement. I couldn’t resist the temptation and bought penny stocks.
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nI came clean earlier this week. This disease is like weeds in the garden, so difficult to completely eradicate. I found myself studying stock charts instead of doing my assigned work. I feel guilty and dirty.
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nWell I’ve pulled the final weeds again and hopefully haven’t dropped too many weed seeds while tossing them in the bin.
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nI really still can’t have any accounts to manage, I’ve learned that lesson. I want to work an honest days work every day, and I’m back with the right mindset once again. I’ve turned over control of that account to my wife.
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nI’ve really done pretty well over the last 9 years since my first GA meeting in 2011. A few slips here and there but nothing like the really dark days from 2004 to 2011. As all of these weeds have been managed, one by one, I’m truly letting go. I’ve learned that I don’t need to feel responsible for how my investments perform it’s better to set and forget and accept that markets go up and down and that’s ok. I don’t need to worry about it or try to influence financial outcomes. It isn’t my fault if the investments go poorly nor is it to my credit if they do well.
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nI realized I have spent a huge amount of my precious free time studying markets and it’s all been a complete waste. No more! I will find better things to do from now on!
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nProgress not perfection. One day at a time, one moment at a time.

[Fritz]

These are very good tips, thanks for your reply!

I’m working a lot on my mindfulness. Listening to my mind and body is so important.  The bottom line is life for me is so wonderful living sober and not gambling, I have no interest going back to my old lifestyle.  I’m so much more present, calm, peaceful, and grateful.  

[Fritz]

I took an important step. I dropped out of my fantasy football league for the upcoming NFL season (assuming the season happens, who knows with coronavirus). Anyway this was the last bit of gambling that I never let go of up until this year, even though I had stopped all other gambling from 2011-2018 with a few relapses in between those years. I didn’t want to admit that my fantasy football league was gambling and it was a problem to continue it.

Well I now realize that I was lying to myself about that. I realize now that it was a problem. I was obsessive about it, and it took over 17 weeks of my life each year. It doesn’t matter that it was small stakes and only one league. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t win or lose any money until that final game at the end of the football season. It sucked me in and occupied a huge part of my existence during the season and made me a nervous wreck on many occasions. I told myself not to let go because of the social connections and fear of losing those friends. The reality is I didn’t want to let go because of the thrill of the games, I didn’t want to let go because it was gambling and I was addicted to it.

So goodbye fantasy football, I’m throwing you on the trash heap with all the other forms of my gambling addiction and not looking back.

And as of today 6/8/2020 I am 3 months gambling free. It feels great! I have support and therapy which helps tremendously. And now very importantly I have a completely honest conscience- with no exceptions.

[Fritz]

Gambling free for a month. On to month 2!

[Fritz]

Yeah catching that thought….in the moment and then really pondering why, what is the root cause?   I am married but when my wife and I are emotionally disconnected, I desire gambling.  So yeah you hit the nail right on the head for me, Steev.   I often consider gambling to be my mistress.  For me at this time it is the having been away for it for quite a long time and then memories fade and it pops into my brain and I’m suddenly thinking there is some novelty to it again worth trying out. 

I also can completely relate to the “drama and negatively interesting” thing.  A distraction.  A way to enter a different universe for a while.  

And finally the way toward a happier life… filling the void with positive activities that give me the excitement I crave, but in a positive way… for example working on strengthening my relationships.  Moving forward instead of looking backward and thinking about what is possible, not looking at everything like it is so impossible for things to change for the better.  

Coming up on a month which is great but I need to work on being very in tune and mindful when the thoughts come around, which they inevitably will.

Thank you Steev for your reply, I really appreciate it.

[Fritz]

I’m working toward getting back to where I want to be. My last bet was on March 7th 2020, my wife’s birthday. For me it’s all about getting back to being honest with myself if I start having the gambling itch again. I need to tell someone that’s what I’m feeling and get some help. When I do, I stay safe. When I don’t, I’m headed for a relapse.

[Fritz]

It’s hard losing your grandmother- hope you can take heart in some great memories.  

Hope you didn’t go gamble after the fight, but I know how it is.  My mind heads straight there when I get in a fight with my wife.

Counselling is such a great tool.  

My GA leader always said:  “no matter how bad things get, gambling will only make it worse”

Good on you for posting and working on your life.  

[Fritz]

Yes it is, yes it is. It’s quite meaningless for me, actually. I’ve been at the point where I thought it was something, but that was long ago. That’s part of the battle but not all of the battle. Progress not perfection is my mantra right now, and to make the best choices I can moving forward day by day. I wish you well as well.

[Fritz]

Thank you for the response. Yes, thankfully I do know how to stop, since I’ve had a long period gamble free recently, so I have that experience going for me. First step for me is just let it go and move on. It happened, it’s over, and that can be the end of it, if that’s what I choose, so that’s what I choose! That simple. Otherwise it’s really easy to bury myself in guilt and depression over a relapse and then let that turn into another relapse. So I need to forgive myself, which I have done, but only with an oath to myself to be true to my commitment to redouble my efforts to leave gambling behind for good. Barriers are critical as is someone you can trust with your money, which I’m lucky enough to have.
I agree that focusing on things that matter such as wellness are really important both in terms of taking up time but also refocusing thoughts and energy. Gambling is 100% negative for me and always will be. I don’t want more negative I want more positive! So latching onto and doing the positive things in life {every week} is the key. It all sounds pretty simple and cliche but it’s not easy to get the focus completely off of gambling and keep it off- it takes a lot of diligence, vigilance, strong desire and time.

[Fritz]

That’s good advice,  I thankfully know what I need to do with my prior experience in recovery. Remove access to money and refocus my energy on my wellness.  Remove triggers. Talk with others and share my feelings. Remember that no matter what we can overcome this and build a happy life day by day. In the end it is my personal choice and responsibility to stay safe.

[Fritz]

I don’t post much anymore, but thought I would mark my 2 year anniversary of choosing not to gamble anymore. I am very happy for reaching this milestone, and also so very grateful for this website and community of like minded individuals. Thank you!

To those struggling, keep working at forgiving yourself for past failures, and keep working toward building a new life. Be honest with yourself and your loved ones, no matter what. It is worth it. My life now is infinitely better than during my gambling days. I have realized and truly believe to my core that gambling does absolutely nothing positive for me. It is 100% antithetical to my way of thinking and living. Best wishes to you in your journey.

[Fritz]

I agree with you that it is different for everyone. For me it was in 2005 after winning about $5000 at the blackjack tables one night in Las Vegas. It took me a long time to figure out that was the beginning of the end for me. I finally went to a GA meeting on 1/11/2011, 6 years later. Timing is so different for everyone. I apologize if I come off a bit harsh and absolute, but it is only because of my hope that no one else will have to go down the spiral of destruction that I went through. It is progressive. I tried (and failed) so many times to be a “normal” gambler that could just go now and then and have a defined budget, without a care if I won more or lost that budget. CG’s just are not wired that way for some reason. It always escalates, and always turns into a disaster.

I don’t know you of course and no one can speak for another’s situation and I would never do that. I only offer my humble opinion based on my own experience and with the hope it will prevent someone else from going through what I went through. Everyone has a different time table it seems, with some agonizing over many years of CG behavior and some figuring out right away that they need a permanent change. Hope you keep reading and keep posting and it is of help to you on your journey.

[Fritz]

I have heard that statement so many times, and I have said it to myself so many times in the past that it makes me sick now. The answer is NO, I will never be able to gamble in a sensible/fun way. Pondering this question is just another way to romanticize, and give myself a free pass to think it will be ok again at some later date. Don’t fall for this! Slam the door in gambling’s face when the bell rings and never answer the door again. No gambling, ever, period!

One thing a sponsor said to me always rings true: Gambling will NEVER make my life or situation better, in any way, ever.

[Fritz]

I had the same online trading gambling problem and for a long time and I would not acknowledge it was gambling. I called it investing. What a big lie to myself that turned out to be. I feel for you in your situation. The solution is the same as any type of gambling really. Close all online trading accounts and give all control of finances to a loved one for a long period of time. It took me a few years and more massive losses before I learned this lesson. I was literally in a state of panic every single day for a few years. Some days better some worse, but my entire psychological health was determined by if a stock went up or down, and I was glued to the stock charts. What a miserable existence. Turning over my finances to my wife was the best decision I ever made. It was a huge load off my shoulders right away! Acknowledge the losses, forgive yourself and let go of control, apologize and hand the financial reins to your girlfriend. You won’t regret it.

I have not owned stocks for a couple of years now and feel so much better. Don’t give in to your gambler “nothing left to lose” mentality, you have a lot to lose still. You had a life of peace and yoga etc. and you can have that life again. Start today to commit to never looking at another stock chart. Get help and go to a meeting. You can turn this around if you start today and work one day at a time.

[Author]

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