[hetty]

So so close to the edge, and I nearly fell into the black sea of gambling.
Partner and I had been short of money for a bit, we are paying in huge amounts to our loan so we can get it out of the way as soon as possible. Becourse I travel a lot for work right now I needed some spare money in my account in case of emergency so we set up a withdrawal option for excess money payed into our loan.
I thought I was in the clear I thought I had this none gambling figured out, so I kept the no’s to be able to redraw money in my wallet. On Sunday I went down to the city and took a walk, walked by the casino, felt the paper burn in my pocket..just one little phone call and I would have easy access to money, minimal withdraw $500…
So I called and transferred money, walked into the foyer and used the ATM, withdrew $300.
From a distance I listened to the sounds and watched the lights of the machines, as well as the numb faces walking around inside, thought is that really what I want to go back too. Forced myself to walk out omg how hard was that! Sat down in my car and drow down the road and donated the $300 to RSPCA.
When I got home my partner asked me what I had done, I said walked..I wasn’t ready to discuss what had just happend.
In the evening I took a lighter and burned the bank transfer no’s when out with dogs.
Yesterday I told him the truth and he is so amazing he just said that’s the closest you have been, I said yes..and he goes how much did we donate? I said $300. He goes oh well at least it’s tax deductible and it was for a worthy course so all is good.
I’m feeling wobbly, I’m feeling lost and drawn in, I was too close to the edge of the abyss.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

Thanks ((((rg))) and ((((sosad)))),
I made it to the other side, waited the urges out 10 min at the time.
Due to my barriers I really didn’t have any money to go with either but that doesn’t stop the urges.
I cancelled a coffee date with a friend didn’t trust myself with going there and home without stopping by the machines.
Better safe then sorry.
Today will be a good day and a gambling free day.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

Thank you sosad and P, it will be hard but sometimes we must do the hard things to be kind.
Today I’m fighting to stay in recovery, my whole body is one big..let’s go gambling ball, my mind is..agreeing before I realise that NO I can never gamble again.
The urges are so bad, the need is shaking me, unable to think about much other things. I’m ****** low though..waiting, I’m not doing 1 day at the time today, I’m doing 10 min at the time, sometimes just 5 min at the time.
The urges will pass I will stay in recovery, gambling is not an option. Not now not in 5 min time!
You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

I didnt write anything here this morning, having lunch right now so thought i do my daily check in. I got an extra $700 on my pay today so i paid rego this morning before i even considered doing anything else. Been restless a few days, knew i would get extra money, not that i can get it out of bank without partners approval but still. Spoke to Cathie this morning about money and time being the biggest risks to recovery. I however feel money and time is not the biggest risk, what i do with money and time is the biggest risk. Well the club missed out again, i did not gamble yesterday and i will not gamble today. Day 48 today i think, i have decided to not ***** anymore yesterday and the days before that doesnt matter. Today is the important day, one day at the time :)You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

Hi Spikey, and welcome to GT, this place has been life changing to me.
I think we all know it doesn’t matter how much we win, we still come home empty handed.
Do you have any special plans on how to combat your cg and move into recovery? If I can be of any help just let me know.
xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

One day at the time, yesterday was gambling free and today will be the same. Had a lot of anxiety and restlessness these last few days, not so much urges though, which is nice. Now time for salt mine…budgets oh the joy and the irony of it all lolYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.– 1/8/2013 8:50:21 PM: post edited by Hetty.

[hetty]

You will make it! Keep going the way you are, you are doing well. hope you get to attend meeting tomorrow.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

((((chubby))) you can only move forward from here, what happend happend. Can understand your anxiety I live with it daily, it’s so hard.
Today is a new day, get your feelings out there, we will listen and once you are finished greiving over your choice to gamble. We will be with you as you walk the recovery road again.
Sends you lots of love and healing prayers.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

(((sherry))) ((((carole))) thanks for your support, today will be a good day, I didn’t gamble yesterday and I will not gamble today!You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

So many says I’m strong, and that I seem to have found my strength from the beginning. How come I can’t feel it, how come I feel so powerless against the gambling? I feel like I should do more, feel more, more then I do..
Heading back to salt mine today, so tired, feel like I could sleep forever.
I survived another weekend without gambling, in one way it is becoming easier in others not.
Bottom line is it does not matter it is what it is.
I did not gamble yesterday and I will not gamble today!
You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

(((cc))) you will get through it, you will regroup start again. You got the skills and the knowledge, try not to beat yourself up, that will give the addiction even more hold of you, as you will feel not worthy of recovery. You are worthy, and you can do this. Sends you prayers and healing thoughts. XxYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

One of these days you will be ready for the next step in your recovery, think you already know what you need to do its just a matter of facing the changes. Sends you lots of hugs and healing prayersYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

This recovery is showing me the depth of my cg. Im out by myself today, i have a card full of money. (yes did all the accountable things with partner before i left home). I’m 2 min walk way from one of my frequently used “gambling holes” and NO i wont go gambling. Im having a coffee and going for a pedicure + buying groceries. Driving here i had the classic “I could go just once” thought turning up. my anxiety level was instantly rising, my face started to break out in a cold sweat, hands shaking and just at that moment i thought. NO stop the car and look at yourself this is exactly WHY i cant gamble, not once not ever. No person without a gambling problem would even get this “i can do this only once thought”
Once i found my own insight and truth, i started the car again and continued on.
This is recovery road is no easy road to travel but its the only one worth it for me. I do not want the life back that i used to live when i gambled. Urges come and go, it is what it is, i can never gamble again thats all there is to it.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

Sunday morning, bad head ache, some urges, and yet a beautiful day that I can fill what ever I like…as long as its not gambling.
I did not gamble yesterday and I will not gamble today.You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[hetty]

Good for you razz to find the courage to face what is your truth. Regarding games, I see them as good past time fun, I however choose games none relating to slots and money, unless I’m playing board games.
Sends you a huge hug, hang in there sister, you can do this xYou can close your eyes to things you dont want to see, But you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel.

[Author]

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