[hope2014]

Hi vera,

It’s been a strange week.

I did just as you said, I let him stay, and explained that I won’t go by words anylonger.

I needed to see actions. He spoke to a counsellor on the phone and then came and sat me down. He told me he doesn’t need counselling as he is able to control this. When I first heard this my heart sank. I realised I cnt do anything to help him unless he helps himself.

He said with faith, and throwing himself into his new job he should get through this.

He asked me to keep his bankcards, and that we shud focus on our family. And that’s exactly what we have been doing. The past week we were like any other normal household. We enjoyed dinners, walks in the park and a lot of family activities it was lovely.

But on reflection tonight while he is asleep next to me all I think is when will things go wrong again.

He also suggested to bring me receipts for everything and has stuck to that this past week. It feels weird Almost as though I’m his mother. I’m monitoring him at his request.

I’ve let the counselling thing go, and try not to even think about gambling as a whole.

For now I’ll keep my eyes closed and enjoy the good im in control of all finances and that’s all I feel I can do anything else it’ll have to come from him.

Thank u vera for all your support and insights into a cg mind your right about so much. He was cornered it was a make or break type of situation and he had to go along with my demands.

But I stuck to my guns I didn’t get the phone although his brother did, I showed him I won’t budge on that. I also told his brother he’s enabling him, and he in turn said he is keeping the phone until he pays him back when he gets paid next month with his wages.

And my cg asked me to handle that transaction since I’m his accountant now.

I don’t know I’m just taking each day as it comes

[hope2014]

Sometimes I feel like running away, my family live in another city, sometimes just want to get on the train and run away from all this…

I know I sound like a child but I really do…

I didn’t sign up for this, I didn’t know it would be like this..

I didn’t even know it was so severe, he acted like it was something small… What I don’t get is how can you waste your hard earned money like this…..

In his mind he hasn’t broken any rules and it’s a misunderstanding… He didn’t really want the phone…. But he said to me I will use it I’m an adult you can’t ban me from the internet….. I heard him clearly.. I asked do you realise your breaking the rules… And now he’s saying no you misunderstood me.. BUT I DIDNT, it’s so frustrating ….

He’s said to me last night that I haven’t given him a fair chance, and is using the kids saying he loves them they love him. Why am I doing this to our family. I can’t believe he can’t see that for the past three years I have kept our family together through all of his bull.

It’s as if he seems to think he can talk me out of my decision, keeps messaging me telling me when I talk to you, you will change your mind.

If I let him stay, I know it will only take a few days to a week for something to happen then what? I’ve heard sorry so many times that I don’t even care about this word anymore. It has no meaning to me. This time is different is another one…

I never thought I would find myself in this situation, we’ve built a life together and here we are dealing with this.

Wish me luck, any advice and tips are always welcome..

[hope2014]

Jenny thank you, your words gave me encouragement today.

Last night he went from, begging, pleading, crying to saying fine do what you want to again pleading and begging I stayed silent and went to bed.

This morning I said I need to go out, and headed straight to the bank, printed out a mini statement and to my shock horror discovered he went gambling on the day we had a intervention. Whether this is before or after the meeting I don’t know.

He spent another 200 pounds….

I’m sitting in A coffee shop as I type this, it has dawned upon me that this is a very long and slippery road ahead.

This isn’t just I can handle this, I’m going to go counselling,
Everything will go back to normal.

He kept saying this morning he didn’t break the rules and I misunderstood him, he just wanted to get the phone back as he’s got a contract with it, and it would be a waste.

And that he hasn’t broken the rules technically, he asked for his bank card back so that he could check the balance.
I on the other hand remember a different story I had to calmly tell him that I will go to the bank, and that if there was money there I would get it for him the exact amount that the phone was.

He was saying last night forget it, keep the bank cards, I don’t want the phone, let them take it.

I’m confused, tired, shocked, I just don’t want to deal with this.

He begged me this morning again to let him stay, it’s Friday, the weekend he wants to take the kids out and spend time with them. He kept telling me don’t leave me, what about the kids, what about our family, the kids love him to death.

He said if this addiction wasn’t here we would be oke, which is true in a way, BUT the addiction IS HERE.

The bit that shocked me, was that his bank statement shows he went gambling on the day of the intervention…. I’m sure when confronted he will come up with some excuse or lie to cover it up.

I just don’t knw what to do at this point…..

[hope2014]

Thank you Vera, I enjoy reading your replies, it’s like your arming me with self defence lol

He came back from his walk, pleading, begging and for the first time in 3 years I stood my ground

I said enough is enough I need some space, and need him to go.

I won’t help him with his phone, I won’t give his bank cards back as he is getting paid tomorrow and I won’t have him spent our money on this stupidness. Although he’s saying he won’t, and just needs enough to get his phone back. I told him no, and he went from shouting to crying and asking me to let him stay.
I put my foot down and gues what as cruel as it sounds I couldn’t care less. I feel a huge sense of relief that I won’t have to deal with this gambling stuff for a while until I know what I want to do next. I’ll be fine in dealing with the children on my own, they’re both school age. And this would give me some thinking space I’ve just had it, and can’t even remember when I actually enjoyed my relationship with this man, all it has been is his problems, his gambling, money this money that bla bla bla I know I’m rambling but god it feels great to let all this out…

[hope2014]

Hi Julie and everyone else

We are all in the same boat, it really is as if we are fighting a beast.

We had a huge argument today, and I’m still reeling from it.
After the intervention he told me in private he had pawned his phone, and used the money to gamble.
He asked me to help him get it back, I agreed until I have read about being a enabler. I then decided to tell him today that I can’t do it as u haven’t got the money, he went crazy.

Immediately asked for his bank cards back, and said I am a liar as I promised to help.

He kept saying I knew you would do this. I am at a all time low, and really can’t deal with this anymore.

It’s as if what we have means nothing, he agreed not to have a smart phone with internet and no bank cards, and he blatantly told me today that he will get his phone back and quite frankly said you can’t ban me from the net for the rest of my life. I will get my phone and use it as I am a adult.

I said are you aware your breaking the rules, and he said well I’m a grown man and these rules are ridiculous.

I reminded him that these are things he agreed to in front of the family during the intervention. He calmly walked away.

It’s as if there really is two different people the gambler, and then him, he had no care in the world. And I said I’ve had it, I know i said no more ultimatums. But I can’t deal with this anymore, how can anyone live like this. The intimidation, fear of money being spent, the lies ….

I was in shock when he said he pawned his phone this is so out of character…..

I’m going to ask him to leave, he has gone out to calm down….

[hope2014]

Thank you so much jenny,

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond like the others who have done the same on my story.

It’s so comforting to hear others who have gone through a similar path to mine, it makes me feel less alone.

Your all right about me having to look after myself, I am slowly planning ways in which to improve my life, and be happy within myself. Looking at a short part time course etc…

I want to be more than I am now, have so many aspirations and dreams, and would love to fulfil them.

The past few days have been strange, but I am just going with the flow. He’s very quiet, and keeps himself to himself when it’s the two of us, but is in daddy mode when the kids are home.

Maybe he feels less judged by them, I don’t know. I just have decided to stop nagging, or bringing up the rules and what we agreed your right I can’t put a grown man to bed.

If he will make another bet then he will do it, nothing I can do is going to stop that.

I finally said that out loud to myself today, and it was like a instant relief, albeit painful and a harsh reality it is the truth.

His family are being supportive of me and I feel it’s brought us a lot closer.

I have now decided to focus on me for a while. Do something that will make me happy. I’ll be booking a massage this weekend leaving him with the kids, and i told myself if he gambles while your gone then that’s his problem and not yours.

Gambling has taken over my mind, my happiness, my husband, my home, our relationship, bond, everything and I hate it with every part of my soul.

It’s destructive beyond belief….

This is the start of this journey for me, I don’t know what will happen but I feel so relieved not to be the only one who knows what he is doing. It was such a huge burden for me, but not anymore..

Thank you all xx

Hope

[hope2014]

Wow,

I’ve been blown away reading this. I only joined this site yesterday but I admire the fact that you are choosing your own happiness and that of your children.

I wish you nothing but good luck in the future, keep looking forward and never look back.

Your so right to say, you love someone but decided to love yourself more.

[hope2014]

Thank you guys so much, I really feel supported already…

I’ll definately come on the f and f chat group on Tuesday, I think it would be a great idea.

For now I’ve given him space, he comes to bed himself at the agreed time. I also haven’t mentioned the appointment for the cg councillor. I decided he will let me know what is going on, he has a week to get back to the councillor so I’ll just wait it out and won’t mention it. He’s very distant, and I’ve decided to give him his space. I’ve also taken control of the finances, and realise finally this isn’t my battle. All I can do is support not enable.

[hope2014]

Hi Vera, thank you for the tips

I get what you mean, I feel like I am controlling him, but that it would be the only way to stop him from gambling .

But then in the same breath I realise that I made a promise that if he gambles again I would leave him.

Now thinking about it all I wonder, if he can’t remember the rules, and is insisting on going onto the computer alone, and I’m having to remind him to make appointment with the cg councillor who wants this to work more me or him?

I am worried that I will have to leave, if he slips up as this is want I said I will do.

I made this promise because I don’t want to live a life of worry, constant financial fears, and in all honesty having a one sided relationship where all the worry, stress goes into him.

I feel lonely in my marriage, but the kids adore him and he is a great father. But he’s the worst enemy to himself and cannot see that gambling is ruining him.

Your right, if he wants this he has to do it himself.

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