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  • in reply to: today I lost everything #29254

    You’re doing fantastically well and I am so pleased you still post. Think of the addiction like a tiger behind the door. As soon as yo place a bet you are opening the door – and that tiger is fucking hungry, it’s not been fed in a while. It could be carnage.

    in reply to: Recovery – One Day At A Time #32491

    I was struck by a thought at a GA meeting the other day. When I first started going to GA, way before I stopped gambling and sought out recovery, I heard people talk about how gambling brought them to their knees. I understood the metaphor, but it didn’t apply to me then. I had much further to sink. The truth is I couldn’t stop until I had truly become a compulsive gambler, until I fitted the description I heard everyone describe.

    Looking back a year ago I realise that not only did compsulsive gambling bring me to my knees metaphorically, it also brought be me to my knees phsyically, literally. I had tied a belt around my neck as tight as it would go, I tied the other side to the door handle and I was pulling as hard as I could. As I was losing consciousness my wife found me. According to her my eyes were bulging, my tongue hanging out. She described it as the like the scene where Princess Leia strangles Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi.

    One year later and I have managed to turn my life around somewhat. I can deal with disappointments and success in the same way, neither lead me to want to gamble. I accept them for what they are, nothing is forever.

    Gambling brought me to my knees, but with belief n a higher power, regular GA and honesty on this site and forum, sharing with strangers who understand my pain, has helped me hugely.

    As i continue in recovery, i will stay here as so many leave when they find recovery. I need to read the stories of the newcomes, offer advice where I feel I can, rejoice in their successes and offer a hand where they fall. I am one bet from oblivion, and if I ever forget that i will suffer for it.

    My love to everyone on this site, may you find the strength to find recovery, and I pray no one leave sit too late. It doesn’t matter how old your are who how much you gambled and how you gambled – recovery is there for all and the first step is to stop and then find a programme.


    in reply to: Recovery – One Day At A Time #32489

    Thanks Vera. Your words are always wise and kind. You have been a good friend on this site and I value your comments. I often think about you and wish recovery for you. It sounds as if you are getting somewhere one day at a time.

    The truth is we are addicts. And we can only get recovery when we are ready to give in and not fight the truth anymore.

    I am always happy that people can believe in a God, because what I know is that whatever works for you works for you.

    Have a great day, see you soon and thanks for taking the time to read my post. That means the world.


    in reply to: Where Do I Begin??? #32366

    Well done, it sounds like you are doing the only thing we compulsive gamblers can do – take it one day at a time. Be grateful your partner has stuck around, mine couldn’t take any more and we are now properly separated. We will always have to deal with each other as we have a very young child (2.5 years old) and she still does not trust me. Often asks if I am gambling again, to which I just always answer no and do not get offended. I have no control over her emotions and feels and thoughts. I know I have not gambled and that’s all that matters.

    Keep posting your journey of recovery,. It won’t happen over night, but in time you will get a sense of the changes. recovery is a bit like watching paint dry or watching a pot boil. There appears to be no chane and then suddenly, you see the change happened right infront of your eyes, but you couldn’t see it as you were living it.

    One word of advice, which you can choose to take or not. About her trust. Let her learn to trust you again, it will take time. Do you stop gambling for her, do not go to GA for her. Do it for you and only you. This is what I found. When I did GA for me, and when I decided to look for recovery for me, everything changed. I have no control over anyone but me, and I want recovery.

    I look forward to hearing more of your posts as you collect keyrings in GA.

    Thanks for sharing.



    in reply to: Recovery – One Day At A Time #32487

    So this is the last week I will ever spend in my old flat. My ex returns next MOnday with our son (I cannot wait) and they have had an amazing time in Colombia by all accounts. Hopefully he will retain one or 2 memories of it, but what matters is he has loads more Spanish in him, and is progressing a little more towards his identity as British/Colombian with a bit of German thrown in with a quarter Jewish and 3 quarters Catholic. A crazy ass but healthy mix I believe.

    As the few crazy people among you who have followed my posts for the last year you will know that between September 20 2015 and February 7th 2016 I slept in a garage I rented from the council. The garage became available just as I was getting ill from sleeping in a car for 2 months. The garage was a life saver. It did not have running water, electricity, heating but I made it cosy. I took care of business, I had my camping stoves, a water dispenser that took 9Litres of water, buckets, plastic bags and a determination lot to let my circumstances define me. I was sleeping there as that is all I could afford and it was 5 mins walk from my ex and my son, which meant that when I was not working I could spend time with him so she could work on rebuilding her life. My gambling addiction did not only affect me, it affected her in numerous ways, emotional, financial, work etc. She worked for my company so when that went under so did her job.

    I was getting concerned about finding somewhere to live when she got back, but had resigned myself to moving back into the garage if I had to. No complaints, that’s life. I made this bed, and I will lie in it.

    Since the start of the new year I have been looking at rooms in shared properties as a ‘Guardian” which means living in a commercial building between uses. The properties I looked at were awful. I was out shopping around the middle of Feb when I saw a building by the supermarket I go to with a board from a Guardian company I had never heard of. I rang, left a message explaining my situation.

    10 days ago on Thursday, when I normally go to GA, I decided to get back with Gambling Therapy. Post an update on my forum but attend one of the groups with Charles and whoever else. That night I got a call from the company saying they had a property in Greenwich (2.5 miles from Camberwell) and did I want to have a look. If I had gone to GA I would not have been able to go. I took it straight away. It is a 20 year old building which used to house a company. I have the downstairs room and while not the biggest room (existing clients of the Guardian company got first dibs on the rooms) it does have a window which overlooks the footpath over the Thames and I can see the river. I can also see Canary Wharf and am a 15 min walk from Cutty Sark and Greenwich Park, so an awesome place to take my son.

    On Friday I rented a van and moved my big stuff in – desks, bed, mattress etc. That night I met 3 of my new housemates, including my next door neighbour. They are lovely. I am blessed. We all clicked. I told them about me, my gambling, what brought me there.

    What’s great is I got the place 2 weeks before my ex returns so I can move in bit by bit and not in a rush. I have done the furniture and no am making it homely this week. The only slight downside is no pets and someone there is VERY allergic to dogs, but that’s a small thing and not a problem really.

    My first night there will be next Monday eve, 14th March. Exactly 1 year ago I was going mad, quitting, relapsing, having mad mad gabling binges that were getting out of hand as my head exploded with the reality of what I had done.

    I cannot change the past, but i am in charge of the present and that means I get some control over the future, but I am powerless over many aspects.

    1. We admitted we were powerless over gambling – that our lives had become unmanageable.
    When I start to gamble I cannot stop. It is not fun. Something happens in my brain and I can never risk having just one bet because then there will be more bets. Eventually I WILL lose control again.

    2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.
    I was raised a Catholic and although I do not have faith in a God of any kind or any religion, I have always believed there is more to life than just us. I found this quite easy, as I have always believed someone is out there looking after me. But they cannot control me, but when I do things right they go right. They couldn’t stop me becoming a compulsive gambler as I believe it is something I had to do to achieve a spiritual growth.

    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of this Power of our own understanding.
    I made a promise to myself. I will not gamble, and I will slowly bit by bit work on myself and my situation. i will be on time, i will honour my promises, I will try not to be lazy and with regards my ex and my son if I say I will be there at a certain time I will. I will take care of my son, I will be there with him, love him, listen to him, get to know who he is so he trusts me and loves me going forwards. So we can be friends as we grow and mature.

    And that is where I am on the steps. I have done bits and pieces of the others, but I am working them slowly.

    I have big decisions coming up. When will I drink again? When will I permit myself a little toot on a spliff? These are decisions I will have to make because I do not want to live as a monk anymore. But neither am I in a rush. I will trust in my higher power to guide me.

    As long as I do not gamble, my head will remain clear and given time and thought I can make the right decisions.

    This site is a life saver for me. It is here I have my full collection of thoughts from darkest addiction, the process of quitting, and then what happened after I quit. It’s been quite a journey and the journey continues.

    When I was gambling my life came to a half. Emotionally, spiritually, financially – the addiction to gambling out everything on hold. Slowly, the man who I used to be and the man I can be are merging, with the added knowledge of what addiction did to me. And what that knowledge has given me, when increases every day.

    I love you all, and to all the people still suffering there is hope. We can recover. It takes time, we didn’t become addicted in one day as we will not recover in one day. But one day at a time, recovery is a wonderful journey.

    Take care, see you soon. I will post again from my new digs in a week.



    Micky, I remember your many posts from last year when I was going mad. I remember some of the stuff you went through and how you coped and from the tone of your post I feel you will cope with this small setback. Someone told me that for some people the journey of recovery has to involve lapses, especially when gambling was a massive part of their life for a long time. Hang in there dude. I think it’s wrong to say all the good work has been undone, as the time without gambling will always be there. You just learned more, about triggers, urges and what your mind craves when faced with darkness.

    Thanks for sharing.

    take care.

    in reply to: today I lost everything #29251

    Nice posts, and really happy with the footie results, superb. Go Foxes.

    Take care Adam.

    in reply to: Just for today I will not gamble #31547

    Nice post. Number 1 is your higher power. if you start to change things, they will change and magic happens.

    You sound so different to the posts I read of you last year. You were such an inspiration to me, so many people here were.

    I read your posts with anticipation.

    in reply to: Gambling Hell #32471

    If you stay away from gambling one day at a time, no more no less, then the bad feelings will pass. Trust me, I can attest to this. I lost my wife but not my self or my son. It is a year since I can to this site and coming up to 11 months since my last bet and every day i don not gamble something wonderful happens. sometimes amazing things, but at the very least to go to bed knowing I have not gambled is wonderful in and of itself, even if shit things happened. as long as i don’t gamble i can cope with anything life throws at me. that’s life.

    please know from me it can only get better not gambling, it will never get worse. the moment you place that next bet shit will not be far around the corner.

    stay with it, you’re worth it. and so is you son and your wife. they need you clear headed, not with a head full of self hate, remorse, guilt and desperation to gamble again.

    in reply to: today I lost everything #29248

    Top lad, even if you are a scouser 😉

    in reply to: My diary #28796

    Cool post, I remember you from last year, on at the same time as me. It sounds like you are trying to tame the beast instead of get off. Fair play, that’s your call. You did describe how you spotted amounts were going up. Fair play. I couldn’t do that I cannot control it. Even if I think I am in control, that’s the addiction and that allows it to explode.

    Your post made me smile, because recovery is personal for all of us. I hope what you are doing works for you. 😉

    in reply to: Groundhog Day #28938

    Good post. Those are the days when we are vulnerable. When old voices lure us back like dangerous sirens in the sea fog. But they call only Death.

    Good to hear from you. Stay around, stories of recovery are important, and there are not enough because when you recovery you don’t need to post anymore.

    in reply to: I’m Back – Day 54 and counting #30546

    So yesterday my higher power took care of me again. I got a call from a company I called 2 weeks about about a room in a shared house as a Guardian. Then I forgot about it. They called yesterday to say they had a room in a house in Greenwich (about 3 miles from where my ex lives wth my son). I had already resigned myself to going back to the garage if I couldn’t find anywhere as I am powerful over it and I must fit myself to what happens.

    I usually go to GA on a Thursday eve but wanted to join the groups here, so decuided to stay at home. Then I got the call, to look at the room. I took it. Large room, window view of the Thames, good price from London.

    Takes 30 mins in Traffic from there to my exes. In London that’s nothing. ON a bike would be 20 mins or so. Amazing. I have always wanted to live by the Thames.

    So from a garage with no windows, no running water, no leccy – to my exes house while she is away, to my own room, with 3 windows, 1 of which facing the Thames.

    Thanks you. I did the legwork, found the company, rang them, left a message. And I got the call on the one day I could go and loo at it as I chose not to go to GA but to use this site.

    This is all part of the mystery of recovery, that strange shit happens once you stop gambloing and start to bring order back to your life.

    I wish everyone the best

    God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change
    Courage to change what I can
    And the wisdom to know the difference

    Pace and love

    in reply to: today I lost everything #29243

    Happy birthday Adam. 365 days. That is amazing. I have 37 days to go to my year and I am taking them one day at a time.

    Have a lemonade on me mate 😉

    in reply to: I’m Back – Day 54 and counting #30545

    Today is a good day, and recently I have been having more good days than bad. Life is not perfect or a bed of roses. I have debts, not much work, but thanks to the fact i am not gambling I have a future and that is exciting. I can take life one day at a time.

    Today is also day 9 without cigarettes. I am saving just £5 a day I do not buy a pack of cigarettes. Tonight I will have £45. NOt a huge amount, but that is a geniune saving. I am spending about £5 a week on the eCigs. 2 cups of coffee, which now I am in a house temporarily, I am not buying as I cannot spend the day in my garage.

    On May 11 I will arrive at the cannes Film festival to take part in the producer’s workshop. I also have a film I produced in 2014 playing at the cannes disability film festival which takes place at the same time (but is nothing to do with the main festival).

    On May 11 2015 I entered Gordon Moody House in Dudley. If someone had said that i would not complete the course at Gordon Moody but, by attending GA and staying committed to the dream of stopping gambling i would be at the Cannes Festival exactly 1 year later (for the first time since 2006) I would have laughed and said you are mad. But that is what has happened. I have met a writer and development executive and the work has started on my gambling recovery feature film. I will share more about that in time. But instead of making a film about just gambling addiction, this is going to be about the process of recovery.

    This site has been a godsend over the last 12 months. I know I have not been here much but we must all find our own path to recovery and I had to to it on my own. I go to GA, NA and therapy at the NPGC. But none of this matter unless I WANT TO STAY STOPPED, ONE DAY AT A TIME.

    In a previous post to another member I talked about the thought experiments I play when I get gambling thoughts. These help me a lot. I imagine myself gambling, and no matter how hard I try I cannot ever imagine a positive outcome. I can imagine winning money, but I always keep playing until I lose it. Or I spend it and then gamble again and lose. Because you lose more often than you win, that’s the business model. if it was any other way they wouldn’t be in business. They wouldn’t have glitzy casinos, or the owners wouldn’t own football teams (Stoke City, my team, is owned by the founders of Bet 365). I saw an interview with the owners of the company, Peter and Denise Coates. They don’t gamble. Funny that.

    It’s a terrible illness, gambling addiction, as there is so little understanding of it., But it’s as powerful a drug as cocaine, crack and heroin. Trust me, I’ve been addicted to them all. Gambling was worse in almost every way. Except no one could tell. When I was a junkie people noticed. I got ill. No one could tell I was a gambling addict, not even the woman who was my wife at the time. I became a brilliant liar, but the lies warped my mind and robbed me of me. I am still recovering and I will ALWAYS be in recovery and that’s why I go to GA. I want to help others, but I need to hear the stories of the newcomers and also the people who relapse after a period of abstinence. I cannot afford this to be a calm before the storm. From what I can tell gambling addiction is much much worse after a period of not gambling.

    If I can be of any help to anyone, please ask. I do not know everything, I am early in my recovery, but I have learned a few things that work for me and if they might work for someone I want to share it. I only have what I have because other people gave it to me, and I can only keep it by giving it away freely.

    have a beautiful and serene and I wish you all my love in your battles, maybe they be positive and successful.


    All my love

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 393 total)