[jennaraye88]

Thanks Charles for your post – I’d like to think I’m doing all the right things but I VERY NEARLY ruined the small steps into progress I have made.

I’m working away from home at the moment so am alone, although this is normally the case when I’m home too. Anyway, one of the barriers which I am unable to put up is the ‘no access to money’. My job includes a lot of travel, lunches, hotels etc., which I have to pay for myself and claim back. So in order to keep this job (which I simply must or I’ll be beankrupt!) I need to have money available.

Well despite the fact that I have self excluded from every single sote I’ve ever come across, one must have slipped through the net as I had an email earlier saying ‘we miss you – here’s a VIP bonus for you!’ Crap crap crap.

I clicked on the link.

Opened up one of my (old) favourite slots.

Signed in.

Had a little dabble in ‘pretend money’ mode to start…

Then lost every penny of that very quickly.

It’s a good job really because it reminded me of how quickly my money disappears when I play such high money spins. But I would never play a low money spin anyway because the ‘winnings’ would never be big enough.

If I had won a lot of pretend money in demo mode o may well have gone on to deposit.

I really need to get a blocker on my phone. Immediately. I feel so vulnerable. So close to inevitable heartbreak, upset, anxiety, destruction.

I simply cannot go back to that place again , I don’t think I’d ever come back.

[jennaraye88]

I’ve had a couple of really busy days at work, 7am starts and not getting home until 8pm. But they have been very productive, which I’m sure wouldn’t have been the case of I’d still been trapped in the web of gambling. I’d have spent a lot of time worrying, stressing, feeling sick. Wondering how on earth I would pay the next bill or fill my car with diesel to get to work.

Im still struggling to come to terms with the losses but I suppose that will come with time. At the moment I am concentrating on my job and my health. I’ve started exercising for the first time in years and can feel muscles I thought had disappeared forever! I’ve also been cooking my meals from scratch with plenty of fresh veg, meat, fish etc. Just other ways of occupying my mind I suppose.

I know one of my many bad traits is lack of patience. I’ve struggled to wait for anything – especially the time it will take to heal all the wounds I have created financially, mentally, physically. But this is something I am working on; taking one day at a time and concentrating on small goals one at a time.

Back to my GA meeting tomorrow so looking forward to that. Hope everyone out there is well.

In unity

[jennaraye88]

As suspected I had an absolutely fantastic weekend. Spent Saturday at my moms house, my brother and sister were there too and my niece and nephew, they are so adorably innocent and hilarious. I hope some day I am fit to be a mother.

Went out with my boyfriend and a couple of friends yesterday, the weather was incredible! We were outside at a local country estate and we all had a picnic and drinks, it was just a perfect summers afternoon.

Unfortunately nothing lasts forever and my fella drove back to work for the week yesterday evening. Although on the plus side the fact nothing lasts forever also means that maybe, just maybe, this horrendous guilt for my addiction will some day leave me too.

Today has been an ok day as far as Monday’s go. Decent day at work and when I got back I decided to go for a run, something I haven’t done for years. Nearly talked myself out of it 10x but eventually bit the bullet. Jeeezz it was hard work!!! Didn’t manage to get very far before the run turned into a power walk! I suppose I have to start somewhere though.

One thing I’ve noticed is that I struggle when I’m on my own to focus on one thing. Once I had been for the run, showered, packed work stuff for tomorrow, cooked and ate tea – you would think I’d be happy for the chilled time on the sofa with the remote. But it’s like my brain can’t just relax and focus on one thing g when I’m alone. Watching a film with my fella is fine I can concentrate, but being on my own I’m constantly preoccupied whether it be texting my friends, checking social media, reading the news etc etc. I just can’t seem to switch off until the second I get into bed. Although that doesn’t always provide much respite either.

Anyway I’m off to London for work for the day tomorrow so have an early train to catch. Hope everyone is staying strong throughout the battle.

In unity

[jennaraye88]

Thanks Theone for taking the time to read my post and responding – I thrive off the support of other people and their positivity and encouragement. Much appreciated. I have indeed self excluded from every single place I can think of. Unfortunately handing over finances isn’t as easy, my job requires a lot of traveling and hotels, meals etc. and whilst I can and do claim this all back from my company, I have to pay it out in the first instance and therefore need access to cash in order to perform my duties. I have however made a call to a local counselling charity specialising in gambling addictions and have my first 1-1 session in a couple of weeks so that’s another step in the right direction.

Never thought I’d say this 24 hours ago but I already feel a tiny bit better. Because of work I had missed two GA meetings in a row but went back tonight and it was exactly what I needed. Attending those meetings reminds me that I’m not alone in this battle. I put off going to group meetings for years through fear and also because I was scared to admit I was out of control, but now they are my lifeline. For anyone who tries to ‘do it alone’ I would honestly urge you (as a previous sceptic myself) to just pluck up the courage and walk through the door – it will be the best decision you ever make.

I don’t post on other peoples journals very often because I don’t have access to a computer at home, I use my phone which can take a while! I do read the other posts on here though on a daily basis and would like you all to know that my thoughts are always with my fellow fighters.

It’s Friday tomorrow which fills me with excitement, I LOVE the weekends and not just because it’s a break from work. My boyfriend works away Monday-Friday and we always make an effort to spend our Saturday’s and Sundays doing nice things together and seeing friends/family. I almost forget how much I’ve f*cked my life up of a weekend because he makes me feel like I actually deserve to walk the earth. I know I shouldn’t rely on someone else to make me feel good though and that’s why I’m seeking help to try and find a way to love myself. That could take a while.

I’m happy to say that today has been better than yesterday. Why? Because it’s another day I haven’t gambled. Of that I’m certain.

Tomorrow will be better still.

[jennaraye88]

I’m feeling numb. Not sure what else to say. I could tell you how much I owe. Or how many people I’ve lied to. Hurt. But it doesn’t matter. There’s only one way this can end.

[jennaraye88]

Thank you for your kind words lizbeth and p, I know from my many years of relapses that this feeling will eventually fade. It’s the fact that it will keep intermittently happening for the rest of my life that scares the hell out of me.

There’s nothing I’d love more than to tell my partner all about this horrid addiction, I just cannot find the courage. I love him so much and want nothing more than to make him happy, but him finding out that I have lied for months will surely make him hate me. That’s if he doesn’t already. I’ve been so consumed in my shame and guilt that nothing else has entered my thoughts.

There’s so many things that I want for my future, but I just don’t believe I’ll ever be able to stay in control for long enough to make any of them happen.

I’m all alone. Nobody knows what’s going on with me and I just don’t have the courage to tell anyone. I’m so scared, I feel like I’ve either got to carry on through life lying and suffering or just end it all somehow. I know it’s cowardly, but I honestly feel like I have no other choice.

[jennaraye88]

Hi everyone

I haven’t posted on here for a little while now, but I have been reading through all the other journals, old and new.

So much has happened over the last few weeks that it’s all been a little overwhelming! Fortunately for me, it has all been really positive which makes a very welcome change from the usual shower of sh*t that tends to follow me around! As some of you will know from my thread and conversations in the group chat, I was in a pretty horrific car accident last year… and whilst I would never wish to be involved in such an accident again, my injuries entitled me to an amount of compensation. Well my claim got settled a little earlier than expected and the amount i received was a little higher than i expected. As a result i have been able to pay off every single penny of my debt and still have a little bit left over to put into a savings account. this is the first time in my adult life so far that i have been debt free.

I was so overwhelmed with relief that i just cried when i got the money. I cried because i was of course happy, but also because were it not for my gambling, that windfall would have been a very decent deposit on my first home. So i suppose i cried a little out of frustration too.

On top of all this, i am moving in with my boyfriend next week, whilst will be the first time i have “left home”, never mind lived with a partner. I am so excited, i love him dearly and cant wait to spend more time with him. But i am also a little scared; always living with parents has meant that whilst i was in a total mess with debt for 4-5 years, fortunately i never had a house to think about and all the financial commitment that comes with that. Even though i now have very little outgoings (after clearing all my c/cards, overdraft, loans etc.) i’ve never really had to worry about household bills before. So this will be a learning curve for me.

Also, my chap works away an awful lot during the week so i could potentially be spending 3-4 evenings a week on my own… which may get a little boring… which is very dangerous territory for me and my recovery. I have already attempted to take steps to avoid too much time alone – i have joined a gym so I can pop there for an hour after work.

It sounds odd when i say it out loud, but i think the further into recovery that i get, the more scared i become. The only explanation I can find for this is that I now have more to lose than i ever have before. I’m finally at a point in my life where the potential is sky high; and it terrifies me that my guard may slip and i could lose everything that i’ve worked so hard to put right. I know i cannot lose my focus for a single moment, i really don’t want to end up feeling the way i did when this thread was started.

I hope you are all having a good day and succeeding in your journey to beat the rotten addiction.

Love to you all xxx

[jennaraye88]

Not posted here for a few days, not for any sinister reason, just that I’ve not really had the chance. Had a lovely weekend spending time with my family and my boyfriend. We got up really early on Sunday and went for a morning stroll round a local farm which is popular with dog walkers. It was such a pleasantly warm morning, we chatted and giggled and drank in the smell of freshly cut grass. I love living my life with him 🙂 and that’s the difference when I don’t gamble – I actually appreciate being just being alive. A morning walk and conversation with my amazing chap cost me absolutely nothing, and it was so much more fulfilling than spending hours spinning reels waiting for the bonus rounds.

What the f*ck has been wrong with me all these years? Why did I think I needed to gamble to feel alive? Or what was I running away from? Maybe it was my form of self-harm, but why? My life, when I actually take a step back and look properly, has so much potential. Could’ve had even more had I not been such a raving f*ckin idiot! So very annoyed with myself. What an absolutely disgusting waste of my time.

Hmmmfff. As you can see… feeling a bit of a mixture between appreciating my life as it is now and mourning the years i’ll never get back. I hope the self hatred will some day fade.

[jennaraye88]

I have read through your thread this evening and just wanted to offer you some words from someone “on the other side”.

Quick history of me: I’m 26 and have been gabling since I was about 20. Online slots are my thing, I got hooked six years ago and whilst I have gone through periods of being “clean”, throughout the illness I have racked up thousands in debt. I finally made the decision to quit for good only a couple of weeks ago, mainly due to the fact that I’ve been with my fella for 18 months now and really want to concentrate on a future with him. One that involves marriage and kids some day which will be impossible if I carried on gambling.

I have never told my fella of my addiction. I was clean when I met him and started on the slots again about a year into our relationship, why I have no idea. I don’t want to tell him as he thinks the world of me, I am his princess in every way. For him to make me feel gives me hope that i’m not a bad person, I make him so so happy. And he makes me happy too. I feel so loved and never want that to change. I am lucky in that I get paid quite well from my job and can, in time, repair the financial damage I have caused.

I have always promised myself that if ever my addiction affected my relationship with my amazing fella, I would come clean (my hope is that I beat this demon and he will never need to know – some people don’t agree that I should keep it from him regardless, but I cannot fess up). From the sounds of it, your fella is letting his addiction affect the way he treats you and it is clearly having a negative impact on your quality of life and your relationship.

Perhaps you can sit down with him and ask him to be frankly honest about how much gambling forms part of his life. Tell him to make a diary of how much money and time he spends on it daily/weekly. It may surprise him to see it written down in black and white. You must tell him how much this is affecting you though, I would be mortified if ever my addiction started to impact on my fella. Perhaps a little bit of tough love would make him wake up and smell the coffee!! this is s progressive illness, so more often than not it will get worse until help is sought!

Ultimately you need to take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. Its understandable that you don’t want to abandon him and I commend you for that. many would find it very appealing to just get up and leave. But you do need to concentrate on your own happiness, so whatever you need to do to achieve that, go for it.

Keep posting and look after yourself. x

[jennaraye88]

Hi Mav – thanks for taking the time to write such a lengthy response of home truths and encouragement. I admire your commitment to your recovery and the lengths to which you will go in order to carry on progressing with your life in a positive way. It is truly inspirational and makes me believe that if I put in the effort that you do, I will be able to beat this vile addiction. I know I need to exercise patience and realise that “good things come to those who wait”, but sometimes it’s a lot easier said than done. I’m sure we can all relate to that at points.

I’m really pleased that your recovery means that you get to enjoy every second with your son, it is very clear to me that regardless of your past mishaps, you are a very loving dad and your little boy is very lucky to be surrounded by so much love. Because lets face it, kids don’t thrive off the nicest clothes or the most expensive gadget, they blossom as a result of care, love and time. All of which you have plenty 🙂

Hi Vera – I never really thought about my dream in that way, that it could possibly be a sign of new life, of MY new life. I quite like that interpretation… it’s much more positive than the conclusion that I so readily came to on my own!

I haven’t read the poem to my B/F, he doesn’t know about my illness. But I did read it to my mom yesterday evening after I left the support groups, she was really shocked and surprised at how deep this illness cuts into our confidence, self-esteem and self worth. My mom is like my best friend, there is nothing we would not do for eachother. She has even told me she would sell her own house in order to give me the funds to clear my debt and have a place of my own. But that’s not what I wanted, I need to go through the painful process of dragging myself out of the financial mess or there would have been no real consequence to my despicable actions. I love her so much for offering though.

Thanks for letting me know about the group Charles – I shall definitely be in attendance!!

[jennaraye88]

Excellent work liberty, really thought provoking and I can very much feel the words. Let’s hope the light at the end of our long tunnel x

[jennaraye88]

Not feeling very strong today. I would say that over the last couple of weeks, I have thought about gambling up to 80% of the time. Not necessarily having urges to actually gamble, just thinking about what it has done to my life and what it means going forward. I’m still young and potentially have lots of things to look forward to. But these things cost money. And at the moment, I have none at all. Whilst I know that wont be the case forever (as long as i stay “clean”) my patience is close to non-existent and I find it tough to just take a step back and look long term. I want everything to be “fixed” and I want it to happen now. I very nearly broke my run this morning as a result of these desperate thoughts, but managed to walk away this time. Perhaps that wont always be the case. I hope it will be though! For today, I will not gamble.

I had quite a realistic feeling dream last night that I was having a baby lol. I’d love to have children some day, but i’m in no rush and more than happy to be an ‘older’ mom. In the dream I had just found out that I was pregnant, my family and my boyfriend were absolutely ecstatic about the news. And on the surface, so was I. But in my head i was screaming, loud and hard and frantic. I was having an internal panic attack that only I knew about. I had no idea how I would look after and care for another life, when I had no control over my own. I felt like I already knew I would be nothing but a disappointing failure to this little person for their whole life.

When I woke up, I was so so very relieved. But also quite disturbed. I have been trying to stay strong through this horrendous period in my life, but I realised this morning that no matter how much I put on a very convincing brave face and try to think positively, deep down i’m struggling and i’m hurting. I’m sick and tired of doing nothing but secretly worry all day every day. I hope at some point in the future I can get through a day or two at a time without the constant burden of what I have done hanging over me like a relentless black cloud.

[jennaraye88]

Hi Lauren

Been thinking of you. I’m guessing you’re at GMA at the moment? Hope you’re keeping safe and starting to feel a little better. Time is a great healer, things WILL get better.

Onwards and upwards, J

[jennaraye88]

Day 10 today, I quite like that number. It’s nice and round, although i’d of course prefer it to be as round as 100…. one day hopefully, that’s certainly the plan anyway!

I have started to learn quite a lot about myself over the last few weeks (on this journey of “self discovery”)… one of which is that I have quite a controlling nature. This is something that my fella pointed out the weekend and i’ve noticed from other people’s threads on here, that it appears to be quite a common trait of CG’s. How ironic is that!? I clearly give off the impression to other people that I am in control of my life and I like order, planning, precision (which to be honest, is probably quite true). Yet delve a little deeper into my brain and you will find a whole section that is completely scattered and in no control of anything whatsoever! So strange.

Today is another really quiet day in the office which sucks massively, time drags when you have nothing to do but clock-watch! The weather is so beautiful today too, I sooo wish I was at home in the garden reading a book, or going for a stroll and parking my bum in a beer garden for some lunch. Funny how we start to appreciate these little things when our minds become clearer. Feel like i’ve been living in a dark, silent, lonely hole for the last few years! It’s great to be alive again. I may be broke but I am not broken.

I am looking forward to this evening, I have got a physio session on my back after work (still as a result of my car accident – haven’t had a date for the first op on my ankles yet though) which always releases a lot of tension, and after that I shall go home and have a good chill with my mom. I have an older brother and sister but they have both moved out, so it’s just my parents and I left at “home”. Dad goes out to play snooker on a Thursday night so it’s always a good opportunity for me and my mom to have a glass of wine, natter and perhaps stick a film on 🙂

[jennaraye88]

It was interesting to see that I’m not the only one that has revisited the ‘scene of the crime’. I’m an online slot mug, so i have found myself going onto websites and playing in ‘demo mode’ in the past when I have been gamble-free for a little while (like you say, could’ve been different if I actually had any money). But be careful doing this… I have ‘won’ big amounts playing on demo before and it has made me think ‘what if that was real money, I could’ve used it for this or that’. Truth is, even if it was real, I know it would’ve ended up back in the virtual machine anyway!

As long as you can see that it really is a mugs game and you have no urges to try yourself, then perhaps it’s not doing any harm. But that may change some day. Keep alert seri, this addiction is a sneaky bugger!

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