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Been missing you!
XO

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Not sure how to restart this journal…
It’s been a long time.
I still need support, I haven’t gambled since Sept.2017, but the old thoughts still come. I really screwed up back in Sept. I hadn’t gambled since the previous Jan. At that time and boy did I make up for lost time. I never did tell my husband how much I lost.
So it’s been 5 months since I gambled and I gambled 3 times last year (2017).
I know many that might say this is ok, but if they were in my brain during those 3 times…. The frenzy, crazy person, was definitely NOT normal. I think someone called me a dry gambler? Like a dry alcoholic? Not really addressing the issues just forcing sobriety until you have a humongous relapse.
So, currently I’m ok, no immediate threats, but the monster in me lurks.

I-did-it, I didn’t see your message until today. I think of you often, especially when I wear my faded black clothes!!!
I haven’t read anyone’s thread yet so I have no idea who is new or still here, but I will try to stick around a little while this time. I’ve missed the friendships.

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Micky!!!!

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It is strange that I ended up finding some comments in my junk mail, but everything you posted came right to my email and it made me smile for you. You have a great fighting spirit and there were many days when I read your posts and they helped me carry on with my financial plans. I adore you, Vera;)

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Had to find your diary….
I thought it was you and she. I read your intro, well, I said to myself, “yessssss! There’s my girl! ”
I have to go back and read it all later.
Just wanted to say hi! I’ve missed you and hope to write a little more often.
My home belongs to my still not dead yet dog and 4 cats. When the dog dies I will start trying to reclaim this place for the humans. Right now we have no slip rugs everywhere so the poor beast can get to her food and water and limp outside. She should have been put down last year, but she is Reub’s dog and he can’t bring himself to do it.
So no Christmas Eve party this year. The humiliation would be too much. Our long tradition is taking a hiatus until our lab walks over the rainbow bridge.

Hugs

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It’s been a good long while since I’ve posted and I wanted to update my journal.
So many things have happened in the last 8 months that I couldn’t possibly cover them all.
As for my gambling recovery, I have had some success. I haven’t gambled since July and it was during a vacation cruise. I am otherwise gamble free since my March post.. I have had no real desires and my thoughts are clear and focused on debt reduction.
I have only been able to read Vera’s thread through my email. None of the others show up. I am hoping that all my other friends are well.
It was two years in Oct. 14 since my self exclusion that saved my sanity and the day passed with positive balances in the bank.
I read my Bible everyday, but these days my prayers are less for myself and more for others. I remember very clearly when every prayer was for God to help me quit…….

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Dear Lizbeth,
When I am around my mother, she makes me crazy. I love her amd she loves me. I call her once a week and she lives 5 minutes from me. I see her at my sister’s house about once a month and of course if something happens that is important, I call her or she calls me.
I miss her, but I just can’t take how mean she can be. It is not usually directed at me, but just her attitude in general.
It’s okay to take care of you for a while. You don’t have to make it forever, just a break. When I first started limiting my time with her, she did make me feel guilty. She has actually started spending time with my Dad. That is good!
It is really ok to distance yourself for a time.

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I have been in the grips of gambling and so has/ is my mother. There are many, many journals here that sspeak of parents having the same issues or worse.
I have sometimes gone over to the friends and family site and read of the advice given by Velvet and others and have even used some of it in relating with my Mom.
This is a hard thing, when gambling becomes an addiction. People understand drug addiction much more easily than this.
Keep posting and maybe look at all the options for support available here on this site.

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No gambling and I had means and opportunity. Dangerous combinations!
Because I have a clear enough head, I was able to run the evening through my head. It is a funny thing what can be the one reason I don’t go. It seems different everytime. Last week was a vacation we are planning (wanted to sve money). This week was the forecast for rain around the times we would be traveling the highway home.
I’ll take it.
Now for church, where I will gain strength to keep going forward, building a beautiful life without gambling.

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Hi Jrb,
You are an educated man. I have read your entire thread and feel your pain through every post.
You asked for practical advice, I see some of that here already posted.
The truth about a gambling addiction is this, our brains have been changed throughout the years of gambling. Look it up. Search out MRI of a gambler.
You’ve posted several times asking, “What to do?”.

In my case the answer was difficult. I suffered. I had a depression that lasted months. I felt sick when I gave up gambling. This sick, sad, lost feeling was day in day out at first. Then, slowly, I would have 10 mins. Then several hours of relief. The relief, I believe, was allowing my brain some time to heal.
If you want to stop feeling like crap and a loser, you have to be willing to go through the suffering of abstinence. Abstinence can be the beginning.
I found it comforting during my initial abstinence, helpful to pray. I do believe, so there we are different.
Gambling is to many a moral issue, but to us it has become a disease. How do you treat a disease?
There is often pain in the treatment. In order to be successfully treated, most people require support. Start with abstinence. Accept that you will feel low and look for support while you are feeling that way.
AND FOLLOW THE ADVICE ABOUT NO MONEY=NO GAMBLE.

You can do this. You weren’t born a gambler.

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Hi Lizbeth
I’ve been catching up on your thread. All I can say is you are a very strong woman. I think counseling is a great idea. You need to be able to have some advice on how to cope with your Mom and have someone direct you in ways to release some of your stress.
I hope your grandson is doing better. Your daughter sounds a bit stressed too and as children do, she used you as her escape valve.
I have often thought when reading your thread that you could do with someone who put your needs above their own. Since that someone is presently missing, I believe you need to find support until God puts this person in your life. It may be a good thing for you to find a big chuch that has outings for empy nesters or older singles. A group that can lift you up.
I know your family loves you, but they are a bit self centered just now.
Gambling is nearly a side issue when we have so much family drama, but that side track will make you feel so much worse. It’s good that you have a plan to stay clear of that.
I’m praying for your joy to return!

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I just wanted to post a little update. I have missed posting, but I have read a few threads that show up on my email. I can’t believe I have been away so long.
Things are going very well. I have gambled twice, I think,since October. My husband wanted to go last Saturday, but believe it or not, I was the voice of reason this time!!! We went shopping instead at a SAMs Club and spent a ton of money on household things. He was shocked how quickly it added up. They sell things in bulk so we are set for paper products for months.
Since I have last posted, our finances have really turned around. We have paid off all but two credit cards and our credit score has recovered allowing me to buy a new car. We still have a long list of repairs for the house, but we replaced the hot water heater (which was leaking Terribly).
Our son is still a major cause of stress, he snuck out of the window of his room and skipped class to drive a Bunch of his friends to the beach all in the last week!
Reub took the battery out of his car and our daughter has been driving him to school and work (she knew what he was doing so I figure since she didn’t rat him out to us, the least she can do is help with the punishment).
He will be 18 in April and is supposed to graduate in May. He will probably move out immediately. That’s what he says now. If that is his choice, we won’t help with college and that would be a shame because he is truly brilliant and wants to be a Pharmacologist and develop drugs to fight cancer. He says he wants to work at St. Jude’s, which is a free hospital for children fighting cancer.
He’s miles from that career with the choices he is making right now.
My job is going well, I was presented with another new boss today. They realigned the regions here and I am excited to work with this boss because she has years of experience and I can actually learn from her instead of having to train my own boss which has happened three times in the last few years.
I think I would like to have that position except I don’t want to travel like they have to. I get stressed out driving in the rain and I wouldn’t want to be forced to to do that to get to all the different branches. So I am content where I am for now. I made bonus all 4 quarters this past year. They only pay out 50% until the close of the year so I am looking for big bucks to come my way soon. I plan to use it for our daughter’s dental work. She will be getting caps on all her front teeth and will cost thousands.
We left our little church a few weeks before Christmas and we were going to a different church every week up until about a month ago when we finally made a decision on a new church. There are people I miss dearly from our former church, we had been going there for nearly four years, I am so happy at the new church and since we started going there a lot of our family are starting to come too. Wonderful!
Its been 1 year and 5 months since our self ban and although I am not cured, I am so thankful that I am not compelled to gamble like I was.

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Hang in there M.
I had a very close call myself. It was a sheer act of God that I did not have to post the very same thing. I hope you can see how far you have come. All those good days aren’t really subtracted by the bad.
Just pick it back up and move forward. I wish I could say something profound, something that you would read and say, Wow! That’s the key to this whole thing. I don’t know what I am going to do myself from week to week with this brain of mine. I know I don’t want to gamble. Not really, I don’t want to keep hurting myself. Neither do you. So don’t hurt yourself with negative thinking right now. Think on good things. Think on your thankful lists.
If I had posted that I had gambled, would you be very angry at me? Or would you be sad for me? Probably sad, but not very angry, treat yourself to some positive affirmations.
I will get you started:
Mickey really is a hard worker.
Mickey loves animals.
Mickey has been serious about adding exercise to his routine.
Keep your head up!

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It’s very true that I nearly went to gamble today. I did NOT!! Had an honest look at the finances, tried to pray, mostly what worked was delay, delay, delay. My hb and I were both off today. We had a lunch date and behind us sat two gentleman discussing financial matters in relationship to their walk with Christ. They talked about owning a business and being a Christian. They talked about obligations as money relates to Christianity. They discussed praying for our Sheriff and law enforcement as well as the people of our town.
There we sat, my husband and I, we eavesdropped like we were getting paid to spy. I told him their converstion was more interesting than ours. He agreed that we had become one of those couples that have been married so long that we could just sit and eat, no converstion necessary! We sat there contemplating how long of a drive we would have, whether we could afford to lose money. What time would we make it home. And these men were discussing the testimony of Christian business owners. How to approach people so that they might see God in their work.
Needless to say, we heard enough to shut down my/our gambling plans. We heard what we were supposed to hear. I am thanking God for answering my prayers. Because that is what I asked for, “God please help me not to want to gamble today.”. For the first few hours of the morning, I didn’t think He heard me…….
After that lunch,
We went shopping instead. I bought a new mop, some new nail polish, and a few groceries. Filled up the gastank and am set for the rest of the work week.
Praise God for averted disaster.
ODAAT!
Freedom from guilt feels like big win!
One more thing, when I prepaid for the gas and came back to the car, my hb finished pumping and we looked at the amount of gallons, of course it was 7.77 gallons! Ha ha! My God also created laughter. We laughed all the way home. Whoop whoop!:)XOXO

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My relaxing 3 day weekend is not going so well. Very little sleep last night….
Our son decided to sneak out through his bedroom window, pick up some friends and attend a party in just about the worst neighborhood I can name in our ******.
This is not the first time, in fact we found out he walked to a relative’s house to attend a party just last week. This would be about 1:00am in the morning. Our daughter found him fully dressed in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal about 2:30am last Sat. Night.
I can’t really put into words how scared I am for his safety. His disconnect to dangerous decisions is nearly absolute.
I am having chest discomfort, purely anxiety related, I hope. My heart feels like it is going haywire with dysrhythmia.

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