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  • in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28210

    I am on late shift today so thought I would write and read here.
    So what causes me major problems is this demon voice that is like wants to destroy anything good about me, it’s like at work yesterday the voice says to me “just because you work hard and people think you are caring it’s a good job they don’t really know what you are and what you have done , how much debt you are in, what you have selfishly done for years and years and no amount of repentance is going to clean up your stinking soul” as soon as this voice is at me I fight back with I cannot change what is done so go and leave me in peace, at times it is relentless this is what I meant by the negativity always against me wanting me to feel worthless, so I wonder where it comes from and why , I arrive home late at night to an empty dark cold house (hopefully not for much longer Spring is here supposedly) the voice says feel the darkness the cold this is you, your creation you are working to stay physically alive nothing more, so I respond with another voice Lord I place into your hands the things I cannot do for I know that I am one with you….so many voices it’s like I am the bystander split in two observing the battle between God and demons yet completely caught up in it.
    What is good writing here is even though I have a thought now of these people will think you are definitely certifiable another says does it matter ?
    since I am no longer gambling this in itself has its downfall as I feel like I have to be ever vigilant of my thoughts so I do not get led along a trail that once stepped on I am glued to and I know that pathway is so easy to veer towards, I once had a year gamble free and look what happened, I try not to think of time oh X person has X years X person has X days it’s not a competition it is a way of life the right way to live do my best each day and then time will be irrelevant and the voice that tries to say don’t think I won’t get you again at some point will be the stupid one, today I am in charge with God,s help it does not matter if you do not believe in God or any spirituality but am sure that everyone believes in the power of ‘the good’ and the law of attraction ie what you reap you sow, I guess I have to accept that my inner has many weeds that have implanted over many years and it is an ongoing gardening project for my flowers to more plentiful than my weeds seems to be far quicker for weeds to flourish in my garden.
    As I said earlier Spring is starting a time for renewal and it’s all free (recovery)and I am entitled to it.
    Very best wishes to all and I wish you all rest and freedom from the pain of compulsive gambling trust and obey your good x

    in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28206

    Since I posted here, I guess no matter how we live our lives time just continues moving forward, I have popped in to GT now and then to read posts from new and older members but have not felt it the right time to post, so I guess today’s the day 🙂
    Well looking back over 2015 I am glad to say that I am not in the place I was for the first nine months of last year, nine years of that gambling had eaten me up to the point I had no idea who I actually was anymore after all I did not deserve anything good in my life, to be happy in any way, not when I was nothing but a stinking gambler this was what it had done to me , the only belief I had was that I really was not good enough to even breathe the same air as all the ‘good people’ ie a non addicted gambler.
    With the help and support of places like GT I managed to do a training course for a new job in September last year but that did not work out I was not strong enough I was not ready, so what could I do, huge changes were afoot with my girls leaving home I needed to pay bills, I needed an income , I had to get away from the isolation , cut a long story short, I gained employment in the care sector, which I started in November 2016 , hard work long hours but so rewarding prayers do get answered.
    It is wonderful to be able to say that 2016 is gamble free, now am not saying that I have never had thoughts of gambling as there has been quite a few horrific frightening events in my life where I found it very difficult to cope with but the difference I have now is in my mind the knowing that the crap won’t disappear by gambling but what will happen it will get a whole lot worse that I can guarantee myself and I have found that even bad things that happen once time passes and they are resolved it is a good feeling to say to self hey I did that I got through it and I am not left with the aftermath of addiction destruction.
    The debts are not gone away but they have not increased and I pay what I can, I do have a struggle financially which gets me down from time to time but then I do my best to replace those negative thoughts with gratitude and be thankful for what I do have, and as long as I just don’t gamble now always now as each moment is all we have then I will be just fine.
    Life is not easy but it is a zillion. Times better than it ever was gambling and it frightens the life out of me to think I could ever be in that place again and I know now that it has many tricks this addiction after recovery period as I found to my cost in the past, a tenner I can afford I might win lol lol no I won’t win I just got sucked back in I won’t stop and it will take my life , thanks to people like Charles the people I met in GT the people here I can never afford to forget that.
    Love and best wishes to all for a gamble free day and future


    Fantastic to read that your debt will be paid by the end of the year and that you already have plans for saving.
    How are you doing Micky? How was your bank holiday weekend.

    in reply to: Confessions of a slot Junkie #12491

    I hope things are going well for you today, it is good that you are going to your morning GA meeting, one day at a time SJ.

    in reply to: how do I start to write a journal ? #28365

    Wow, how great a post was that to read, all the effort and hard work you have been doing in your recovery has really now come into fruition.
    If the debts to Dad are paid, do you have plans for the extra money, what you are going to do with it?
    Yes, bills paid and not sitting there shivering as no money for heating, not any more Seri
    You have come a long way Seri, please have plans in place for the extra income when debts are paid to protect yourself. x

    in reply to: My Journal: kin #14344

    It is good to read that due to your work schedule you have recognised the need to change things so that you don’t miss out on how you find and gain support in your life.
    Finding and utilising whatever support we need to fulfil us so that we do not find ourselves slipping back into old destructive habits is crucial, well done on recognising what you need to do to keep you healthy Kin.

    in reply to: New to this site #31111

    Welcome to Gambling Therapy
    I see you have done a couple of different posts on the forum, so I am replying to this one.
    Hannar you have come to the right place there is lots of help and support avail here, with support groups where you can go in and chat to other problem/compulsive gamblers.
    On the top of the page there is a support tab and that gives the group times, there is also a helpline that runs during the day time.
    Right now you it sounds like you are desperate for help with your gambling problem, there is help, we all understand the compulsion to gamble if you can keep posting hannar it will help.
    To stop gambling we need to take away the ability to gamble, ie cash, cards computer blocks if you gamble on line, could your husband help with that Hanna? When we have crossed the line to problem compulsive gambling it does not just go away Hannar, we need to do all we can to prevent the ability to gamble, it is a very crafty addiction.
    We all understand here Hanna, keep posting.

    in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28203

    It was good to chat with you last week too.
    Well I have not been posting here for a while but after waking up in sheer terror at three am and the changes that are happening at the moment, I thought maybe I ought to write these things down.
    Why does my being dislike change so much? I started my five week training (I thought it was only four weeks but it is five) last evening, it went well enough, logically I know I am more than capable of doing the job and passing the training etc etc so why do I wake at three am in sheer terror and worry over it all? today, I feel so anxious and nervous and like I am about to break down, it is so ridiculous, I am doing this from home, a safe place, there is nothing to fear, how come my body does not agree!
    I also have the girls leaving within the next couple of weeks, not even sure how that is going to pan out, that was why I knew I needed to get work before they left, to keep busy plus obviously I need an income to pay the bills. I left my old job on the 31st August, that is a relief in a way, it is better for me to work from home, I feel safer as I still not comfortable going out, although I am a lot better than I was a few months ago so that is progress, yes some progress has been made even if it feels as a snails pace!
    I need to train this mind to react differently to new situations and maybe I just have to accept there is no magic quick fix, maybe that was gambling a quick fix, but the fix that screwed life big time, maybe it would be more apt to call it the big destroyer.
    I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect to succeed and think that people will think badly about me if I am not so perfect, stupid me no one is perfect and all I can do is my best, if I do my best and fail then that’s not really a failure at all. Anyway I am rambling away here one day at a time Liberty one day at a time.

    in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28200

    Why be sad? Who cares?
    Why be mad? Who cares?
    Why can’t I just be glad?
    Why can’t I be grateful?
    Why does it feel that I have had a plateful?
    Why does everything feel so hateful?
    Why can’t I just be me?
    Who stops me?
    What stops me?
    Why do my thoughts buzz around?
    Leaving no sound?
    Yet I feel the noise, so loud
    Sitting under this storm cloud.
    Will the rain ever stop?
    When will that rainbow appear?
    Shall I ask Edward Lear?

    in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28199

    Thank you for your posts, sorry that I have not replied before now. Thanks to Mav and Lauren too.
    Vera, thank you for your comments re Charles, I have missed him this week it has been so quiet, I have gone into chat a few times but mostly no one there.
    I am ok thank you Vera, I hope you are too.
    Yes, I have stopped posting at the moment, just not had much to say lately, too much to think about with no answers to problems about the future and what will happen as have said many times before, never gambling again can’t undo the damage done previously over many years, how you move on from that I do not know.
    See you in chat one day soon Vera x

    in reply to: Vacation – Groups #30974

    Charles, I really am a fan
    Probably cos you are such a great man!
    Charles, you went away,
    On a well deserved holiday.
    Charles, you have been missed.
    Always there, glad to assist
    Chat room open, but no host
    To read all the posts.
    You always keep us in check,
    So we remember the years of wreck,
    Helping us not make the same old treck.
    And now your holiday is nearly done
    I do hope you had great fun in the sun.
    The sights you saw must have
    Filled you with awe.
    This is your life of recovery,
    Free from a life of drudgery.
    Thank you for your gift to us
    Even if at times we drive you nuts!
    A man with a true mission
    You really have made it your volition.
    Thank you Charles for the best gift of all.
    Welcome back.

    in reply to: A new day is dawning……. #30393

    I just wanted to say how insightful your post is about your time since your GMA stay.
    Thank you for sharing your journey, I have read it several times.
    You are working hard at your recovery, you should be very proud of all you have achieved so far and I love the way you are embracing the small things in life and realising that life is far more precious than money can ever be. If money solved our problems then there would not be so many unhappy wealthy people, I think whatever life we live rich or poor, it will always have it’s problems. The solution is in how we face things and you certainly seem to be doing that with honesty and confidence.
    Fabulous post Lauren, so pleased for you.

    in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28194

    courage and acceptance good partners to have I think.

    in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28193

    You too 🙂
    I hope you get a good night.

    in reply to: Life in the stop lane #28191

    I am trying, one even cooked dinner yesterday a first! Mind you have never had lumpy solid carrot soup before but I ate it, it was er different.
    Feeling sad at the present time, lots of thoughts going around in my head, worries blown probably out of proportion, the more I think of things the worse they get. I have had my eldest daughter here, although I have not seen that much of her as she has been away on trips and has gone again now for a few weeks doing some work, I think she will be here then for a couple weeks and then moving to another country from the country she was living in previously.
    I am just realising how overly sensitive I am not sure how I can cure that, is it just my make up I don’t know but I don’t like feeling as I do, I think it has a lot to do with self confidence as if you are confident then you would know that you do deserve to be ‘you’ that you must do what is right for you, how hard is that?
    the kids at my old school used to say yolo Miss, I had no idea that the acronym was you only live once, until they told me, bless them all. some of us are not brave enough to ‘live’ at all. That’s me am not brave and I have no courage, I would be the lion in the wizard of Oz, but didn’t he find he had it the whole time. Maybe one day one day.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 135 total)