[lorraine]

Hi there,hope you are well!
And your family too.
So glad to see your still trying,never stop.
I dont get to talk to you much,kinda opted out of the word recovery.
Places to much hope for me that word,
so i choose to just say im just living or taking it one day at a time.
The good and the bad.
I just had 45 days clean ,then kaboom .
went to a few meetings,but as always ,that perhaps is not the answer for me.
The healing for me comes from within first.
Good to see you posting,and think of you often,
Love the honesty in your shares.
Helps many and helps you too.
Be good my friend k
Off to bed for me now.

[lorraine]

today i banned from all options for me to gamble .
I do not need to hear wtg or good job,or things will get better now.
Cause to be honest this was a move i have fought since 2010.
Its not the gambling i will really miss,it is the part of me that comes to life when im gambling,it is something i look forwards too.
I was banned till last friday,my latest 6 monther,so i lasted one week,and well lets just say,i had to call in sick to work tomorrow,just as an alcoholic ,we to go though withdraws.
Depreesion beyond our wildest dreams,deep deep depair,fear,worry,and sadness,loneliness,guilt,so many racing thoughts that steal our sleep.
Nothing changed for me ,hubbys still in a care home,hes doing good,me well ,his illness has just about done me in mentally and physically,and whats left of me in a day gambling took the rest.
Stopped bathing for 2 years now yup yuck huh!
Just lost all drive for living,and summer wow ,so hard for me.
How many times will i have to say NO .
I dont know how iam going to get through the next few weeks.
Cant really afford to loose much more of me.
Keep telling myself ,stay in the moment ,dont think ahead.
But its hard ,cause i dont want to wake up me,either way i lost this fight.
I already spend half my life starring out a window knowing i dont belong in it ,dont fit in.some where along the way,the ME in ME stopped living.
My court sentencing 3 yrs was over in May,hmmm big deal,the damages i did years back are permanant.
Just something i have to except.some times thats why i still dont care if i still gambled,couldnt do more damamge financially that is.
I still have not managed to make any face to face recovery friends.
So i will go through this alone,but maybe it is something i just need to except.
All i hope to get out of the next 6 months is not gamble free days big whoop.
I really really hope i can find inner peace some kind of self worth.
And maybe a little courage to buy some new clothes been over 5 yrs .
Spending on me is a guilt trip to hell.
But im thinking that will take a few more years.yah
Oh well enough of my yaking.
Nothing changed lol ,one day i might.
and thats me over and out.

Im not

[lorraine]

Hi ,just needed to say i went to two GA meetings once again ,in the hopes of finding face to face support,but nope .so feeling super stupid right now.cant go to another before my banning ends.
Yup its that time again.they say if nothing changes nothing changes ,well nothings changed to be honest,day after day ,year after year.
They say gambling takes lives ,well it took mine a long time ago.
Yet again alone i my head my thoughts are not so good,thinking this dam addiction better hurry up and kill me.
Cause this endless addiction i have for seeking face to face support is equeally taking its toll on me.
Im a many things in this life ,and a different person to many.
But when i wake up im always the same person to me.
Do i like me .hell no.so how the heck should i expect others too.
Please dont respond to this it will only hurt more.
running running running God make it stop!

[lorraine]

Been a long time since i posted here,i have since as i said rebanned.
I also decided it was in my best interest to stop saying im in recovery ,because Im recovered as well as best as i ever will.
In the bigger picture Im still alive,is an amazing huge leap of recovery that i could ever hope for.
That has been just as big of a struggle as stopping gambling.
For years and years now i struggled with depression,running from corner to corner ,person to person ,day after day,with the hope that i would find a good recovery friend,wether be medical professional or just a friend.
Never happened it was becomming more and more clear how this was causing me more damage.
So i stopped looking and admitted defeat this is it.
This is as far as i can go.Not really surprised kinda like the life i ran to escape from.
Its my life ,im broken ,im tired,im happy ,im sad,im lost ,im healing,im changing,im growing,im lonley,but that is life right.
Take it all as it come and goes.But take it alone.
Today i popped into say hi to someone here,nice afternoon thought hey theres a friendly face.
But to my surprise after a nice hello usual greeting I was asked to leave.
Said it was an official new persons group.I know im not new,and perhaps we oldtimers are not so good for new people.Either way i just wanted to say it hurt be really bad,closed my computer and pounded in my head see how fast you forget that you dont belong in recovery any more
Biggest struggle i will face is learning how to stare my reality in the face,through shattered dreams .reality is quite possibly going to be one hell of silent world for me.
Have to be okay with that after all i made it.
Sorry for venting ,wish all of you a wonderful recovery ride the ride as long as you can ,but remember reality awaits sooner or later we all stand alone.

[lorraine]

Like i told Mav,
8 more day,all i can do is pray i think with my head not my ass.
On my own ,just me myself and I
Dont really stand a chance.
I have tried and tried to get face to face support,but over the years ,i have been unable.
Sometimes i have to wonder where i would of been in recovery compared to today if only i had a sponser.
Or even just a live line person to call.
But i dont and well the same HP i ask for strength is the same one i ask for luck.

So you see the HP thing cant work cause left alone me and my HP will not stand a chance.

I will reban i will ,lock me back up.
One day true recovery will come.
Take care thanks again ,and thank you for remembering me.
Lorraine

[lorraine]

Wow that is good news for you ,i can imagine you feel a whole lot better now.
Did you ask him to keep in touch.
Not so sure if a parent ever can not worry about their children.

[lorraine]

Its been a month since my stepdad disappeared.
As apart of the investigation the police,checked the phone for calls in or out,none,they checked his computer ,nothing.
So mom has been putting things to update them like her will and finding out where she will stand financially.
She is on top of all of that thank goodness.
She went to her doc and got some pills to help her relax.
But we all know that is not enough,more changes in the future.
I saw the doc he wrote about a 6 page report wich i have not read ,but part of me would like to read it to learn from it,but the other part of me says Who gives a dam what he thinks.
Im back to work on the 20 th,nothing has changed for me,but the time off has really helped in passing the time to make things alot more in my face.
I have been sewing quilt squares from all our scraps,a simple box looked like a breeze to get through,but wow it is amazing how much is in that box on my 3 rd quilt and still not even half gone.
That has proven to be my most relaxing thing i have done in years.
No pressure to get it right just sew.
Hubbys got a cold ,feel sorry for him,and when he is sick it really brings out the guilt in me.
Called him my little booger head lol.
Anyway my gambling is still a small issue,dabble here and there,but less and less each day.
Not huge progress, but still progress.
Been telling myself its not your to take.
And to be honest not much in this life is mine to take anymore.
But iam okay with that.
Take care ,and thanks for the support and letting me vent .

[lorraine]

Hi Maverick.
Some of what you wrote above about how you were feeling,the why why whys of this addiction .can take anyone to their knees for days.
Months ,years.
And for some all they will be left with is the why why whys for the rest of their lives.A constant haunting .
Maverick please seek some counsling ,get your ASS back into a GA room .
I know GA is not for everyone hey perhaps including me.but for the love of GOD i also know living life One day at a time SUCKS.
And i dont mean the recovery days of one day at a time either counting recovery days just bites .
Does it really matter how many clean days one has, if they are still to sick to live them.
What if we knew on wich day we were going to die,omg would we count those days left ,in anticipation of it.
Or would we make the most of them?
Well wouldnt our little addiction love to get a hold of that info.
Any way Lee ,you are an amazing young man.
Time to let others know you too!
Hey i kinda like you,and i believe in you.
Why not try GA again ,or look into some counsling,rehab?
Still kicking fences hugs.take care Lee.

[lorraine]

Hi welcome ,nice to meet you,i have had a zillion day zeros.
But for every day zeros you have ahead ,please always remember ,there is no set limit or in anyway shape or form to many day zeros .
Just always remember to keep trying and always come back.
I would like to add this ,seek out a bit of outside help,eg.counsling .
Doing this on our own is well really really tricky.
Hope your journey into recovery is full of future good memories.

[lorraine]

Thank you vera for your prayers
Still no word on his where abouts,will be week today.i cant believe that,feels like a day or two ago it happened.
Mom is struggling to be alone a night,had to go to her neighbors last night.we offered to go get her but she said no .
She has stayed alone many times before ,but i guess this alone is a different alone.
Anyway thats about it,seeing the nut doc today,man or lady i dont know,that is causing me a bit of stress crossing fingers for a lady.
take care

[lorraine]

Thank you all for your support long time good friends you all are.
I share alot of my fears and worries hear more then face to face.
I did manage to speak and got excepted for a mental health appt to see a Dr.for a one time visit only,this does not include and follow up treatment in any way,but rather more to get me clearance to go back to work.
On feb 10 my stepdad around noon disapeared ,search and rescue and all the emergency help in a two day search for him.But he was not found,search is called off ,but officer said they will call in a cadaiviar dog.
We have been at my moms side ever since.
The unknown is so hard.He for months had been talking of suicide .
Mom said she has not left his side since July not for one day,but on the 10th she had to go to a meeting in town,she convinced him to stay home tellling him he would be more comfy at home.he agreed.But when she returned he was not there.
Im so sad for her.she needs closure .and yah so do we.
Wish he left a note .even a sentence.
So needless to say any healing on my time off is now officially gone,my nerves are shot.My depression is falling hard on me ,cause i can feel my moms pain so badly.
We are all pulling together as a family right now.wich is really nice to see.
Say a prayer for Don that he is not suffering somewhere.
thank you once again for listening.

[lorraine]

Thank you for listening to me and well wishes,
I did get the medial formed sighned,off for anot.her month.
Now im thinking why i havent heard anything from work is they dont act unless there is a union rep present,hmm okay he is back on Mon.
So if my job is still proceeding with firing me,i guess i should hear in the next week.
But anyway in the meantime i have full filled all there requirements for being off work .
Now i wait to see how it all unfolds,but thank goodness im getting to watch it all unfold from a distance.
Easier that way,then being at work sacred every minute i might breath the wrong way.
Take care all,thanks for all the support.

[lorraine]

Called the clinic and the doc i need called in sick for today,so that solves that,but the insurance company called the clinic to say ,That they would not even consider to cover me for a phsychiatrst appt.And the fact that the clinic refused to see me based on payment is nonesense,and the fact is i dont even have a claim yet she said.
And one boss is off till wed and union fella off till the 8th .
Oh the great unknown .But at least the receptionist listened to me,and i will try again on wed for the form.

[lorraine]

Well went to doc cause work requires a form to be filled out,it is time sensitive i have a week to fill it out or termination happens.been through this once already and managed to get it in time,wasnt aware i needed it last time,but this time iam,i got the papers no doubt in my mind i would get it sighned.
But nope went today and receptionist said i cant see my doc till jan14 th,i tried to tell her ,but she was not hearing me,she just kept saying cause it is under wcb i cannot see a doc for 2 weeks in between visits.
So now im going to be terminated,and all i feel is extreme guilt and shelfishness for thinking i was deserving of getting help.
Why is it the hands that are there to help you only hurt you.
And money is more important then a person,silly me for being shocked by that,but it kinda hurts you know.
I have to laugh i do.
A referal was sent in on my behalf to see a phsyciatrist for help but lmao ,nothing left to help or save if i loose my job because a doctor was afraid she would not be paid.
Shame on the canadian medical system.
And shame on me for being so selfish once again.
To much i tell yah,oh well at least i can say i tried.

[lorraine]

I know people loose their job i do,but well iam 54 and have a very worn body,not much chance of getting a new job.
And yes i have to allow my work access to my medical records too have to sighn a paper for that,if i dont claim will be denied,and to be honest no money also means more then No money,No gambling ,it also means no money no anything.
My kids will be supportive ,but will cause huge stress and worries in the house.
And no my attendance is not the problem,they actually showed union guy he says about 15 sighned letters from co-workers with complaints about me,funny how they just appear out of no where after 15 years with not one letter against me.to 15 and all just since new management came in?
Im a long term employee ,and it is just my time to go ,they do it to all the long term people,we cost to much.
But prove it,they are a ruthless company.
Actually the union fella we have had for a few years i was told is leaving and we are getting a new one in the new year,apparently that is done every few years withing the union,but im thinking the new one will be even more busy,but maybe this new one will have a little more patients.
I went into work this am to pick up some papers my nerves did not like it,
So i do feel i made the right choice for me,to continue on stress leave .
So early here and im already to go back to bed ,had enough of this day already.
Stress wow it is powerfully painful ,mentally and physically.
But again im not the only one in this world with stress everyone gets stressed .
Take care Sad and thank you for your kind words.

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