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Narcissism never occurred to me either about my CG. His therapist brought it up and it was like the light bulb went off! Of course! That is how my CG could abuse all of us because it was ALL ABOUT HIM!
Narcissism will never care about you or anyone else. Until your CG learns empathy narcissism will always win.I will be keeping you and your partner in my thoughts as you deal with the news of this week. May it be good news.
xoxo
MadgeI have been following your posts and while I am in no real position to give advice, i can relate to the chaos that seems apparent in your posts. My story is buried in the F&F forum but briefly my CG is also Bipolar, sex addict, ADHD and narcoleptic. He has lied to me, been inappropriate sexually with me, hidden money, lost money, leant money to fellow CG’s which of course never returned, etc, etc.
So when you speak of chaos, I understand. I of course, like so many of the F&F on this site, was initially blaming myself, trying to “fix him”, always looking to help him so that our life would be better.
Fast forward to 7 years later. I no longer try and “fix” him. I ended up throwing him out of the house because his behavior got to be just too much. He ended up finally getting the help he needed but as far as I am concern he is on probation. I do not trust him. The only way he was allowed back in the house was to agree to put a GPS tracker on his phone, attend therapy and group therapy, attend SA and GA, and be religious about his meds.
I say all this to try and get across that you are not alone. I used to wonder if I was the only human on earth that lived in the crazy world that I did, but after being on this site, I realized I was not alone.
As twightlight says, you are survivor and should feel really good about protecting yourself. The best thing I ever did was let go of my CG. Once I STOPPED worrying about him (and everything else, actually) I was able to finally focus on me; my recovery. I look at as not selfish but more self-preservation.
I have always been one of those moms who said “I have bent so far over for my kids that I am in a circle”. While I still take care of my kids, I now am able to say NO to them. To give myself some time to do what I need (go to gym, doctors appointments, etc). I never did that before. And it feels good.
Despite how horrible you may feel, I can assure you others have felt that way (I have felt that way) and when I thought i would never survive, I did! It got better. I don’t know what my future holds for me or my CG, but I know what I want and what I need to do for myself.
Do something good for yourself. Take a step back, take a deep breath and know you have survived.
We are all here for you…
Sending you love across the miles
Madge
xoxoI read you last post and my heart sank for you. The line
“I think he has an antenna when my defences are down” really resonated with me…
Some how our kids do know when to push when we are feeling weak. I can totally relate to the moment when the kids are asking you to do something and you have that inner moment of hesitation that says “don’t do it!” but then the mothering instinct kicks in and says “oh I need to take care of my “baby” (no matter how old they are). It is in that moment when I find myself taking a deep breath and saying to myself – “NO – I cannot compromise myself again- I must protect my mental space and health”. It is hard but it is during those times that I realize if I give all of myself up, there will be nothing left of me.
You did right by turning him down again. His manipulation of putting the words of ‘brain tumor’ out there are more evidence of his narcissism and lack of concern over your health or the health of your partner.
I am not in a postion to advise, but if I could I would suggest not to beat yourself up. Your actions came from a loving place (even though they are not in your best interest). Sometimes being “selfish” is the best course of action and certainly is in the face of the addictions that will take and take and take until you are literally and /or figuratively dead.
Live. Protect yourself. You have done all you can. You are not responsible for your CG anymore. He is grown and his problems he has created are his own.
As a mom is is super hard to do that, but your self preservation is at stake. Live for yourself. Life is so short.
Sending my love and support to you…
xoxo
MadgeHi San
I know I haven’t posted in a while but I have been reading. I am sorry to hear you are still stuck in the guilt loop that we moms often find ourselves in. I can’t give advise either but wanted to say i understand the pull between helping our kids for good or “helping” our kids which really isn’t any long term help to them at all. I don’t think any of this is “your fault”. At some point adulthood requires that our kids take responsibility fir their own lives. And even though it is painful to see them struggle – I know, I have done it myself- it is what they need to grow on their own.
Do stay strong – for you and your partner- We all have limited internal resources and it sounds like you need to take care of yourself and your life first. Not an easy task, but I support you.
Sending love across the miles
MadgeOhhow your post seem to cut right to the core of things. I’ve certainly thought all of those questions myself. I’m afraid I don’t really have any answers because I think I am further away in recovery than you are. But I wanted you to know I can totally relate to what you were saying.
It’s hard to wonder why and not know the answer. It’s hard to feel like every step forward could be a step into a giant pot hole. And it’s hard to feel like when you’re looking back that you’ve made mistakes that you can’t recover from. All I can say is that all you can do is look forward and look to the future. And make the best choices you can. You can’t go back and fix anything. And as lots of other people have said (who are certainly wiser than me) your children will make their own decisions and choices and take things in the way that they need to. You need to do what’s best for you and not feel guilty about what happened. And at the same time not be worried about the next step forward because nobody is a fortune teller and nobody knows what’s going to happen. All you can do is be true to yourself, love yourself and try to do what’s in your heart. I hope this makes sense.
Know I am sending you lots of love and think about you often. More often than you can imagine. You have been such a help an inspiration to me that I know that you will get through this And even be in a better place than you were before. Know the truth is already in your heart and that you will be able to find it.
You are strong. You are brave. And you will get through this. Sending my love from far away.
Xoxo
MSo happy to read such a positive post. It gives me some strength to know that things can get better. Your statement “Trust may always be out of reach for me…”made me cry. …I feel the same way but was feeling that this made my relationship a failure. Don’t you need trust, I thought? But the way you phrased it made me look at it another way, as a work in progress. ..I hope I can be in as good a place as you are one day. We are working on it but I am honestly feeling pretty hopeless at this point.
Gotta run..The kids just came out.
But I wanted to say how happy I am for you and that you are giving hope to others during their dark days. ..
Xoxo
MadgeI just wanted to say I can totally relate to your post. I have been woefully late and updating my own thread but had to say something to you.
I have the same issue as well ….I found out about my husbands gambling through a text message from a fellow gambler. And everything fell apart from there. So sometimes when I see his phone and there text on it I’m tempted to read them. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. But either way it gives me a serious panic attack. I have to tell myself that either way and regardless of what is going on with him I need to take care of myself and my children. Not that I’m a big advocate of medication but I do take xanax on occasion and it really does seem to help calm the panic. Do everything you can for yourself and for your child. Your wife gambling is totally up to her. You can’t control it you can only take care of yourself and your family. With much blessings and love
M
Oh Berber. ., .how wonderful! I’m so happy for you it’s such a special time when you have a new baby. Put aside all Thoughts of your CG’s problems and just enjoy your new family. I know I have been remiss in posting. There’s been lots of stuff going on just no real time to write it all down. But do know that I read the post and have been checking in and trying to keep up with everybody. That includes you, Jenny, twighlight, velvet at cetera. But I’m so so happy for you and its nice to hear something good on the forum. We all need some sunshine in our lives….
give your baby and your little one a big kiss and hug for me .these are the best times.. Lots of love and hugs and kisses.
M
Just wanted to say i read your thread and hope you have been staying strong for yourself. It is indeed a hard road back, but you have been through so much – now you know the depth of your strength and ability to maintain yourself in the worst circumstances.
I hope your CG continues to maintain his sobriety and that you have been giving yourself all the love and kindness you deserve. I am told things will settle **Im not sure how** but I have faith that they do..
xoxo
M