[michelle45]

Hi Logic

I just wanted to wish you all the best in your new job /break away. I have read your thread and could relate alot to the feeling s and confusion you describe. My ex is a CG and I found this site a few years ago. It helped me gain more knowledge of the addiction and helped me gain the strength to change how I reacted.

I still come back when I need to remind myself and read Velvet’s and others wise words and Vera’s straight talking. I admire your courage in moving on ; your new better life awaits.

All the best
M

[michelle45]

Just wanted to say thanks very much for taking the time to posting my thread. I’m glad you have found this site and I hope you are getting the support you need. You have acknowledged your problem and I hope you gain some peace of mind. I wish you well too.

For myself I continue to manage the situation with my daughter as best I can. My ex is in regular contact and seems to be continuing his pattern of gambling and then abstinence.. but doesn’t seem to grasp recovery. My goal is to protect my daughter from the addiction as far as possible whilst allowing her to have a relationship with her dad. I suppose this will become more difficult as she gets older and asks more questions. But who knows what the future holds and just for today I have knowledge of the addiction and won’t let it beat me

Thanks again

M

[michelle45]

Hi I read Velvet’s plea and thought I’d update. I joined the site over 2 years ago and it completely changed my life. My ex is still gambling although had a significant periodic abstinence. We have a daughter who is 6 now. She’s well. But she’s only doing well because she gave me the impetus to stand up to addiction.. Velvet and many others gave me the strength and self belief back. I use the support group although haven’t posted.

I think I constantly need to remind myself not to underestimate the addiction ..then remind myself I’m rationale and stronger.. I read posts and reread my own post when I have self doubt..but above all I understand!.

Keep posting!

M

[michelle45]

Oh velvet

Thank you for a wonderful post. It really made me smile. I could relate to alot in it !! I have been thinking about Christmas. My plans are made with my daughter. My ex the CG has made arrangements to see our daughter. I’m a little unsure how Christmas will pan out . I have got many memories of past Christmas’s that weren’t great. So I took some advice you gave me in the past about creating new memories and am doing something different this year!

I agree it’s sometimes very difficult for f&f to put themselves first especially over Christmas. We sink to the bottom of the pile. I spent all my time trying to ‘ help’ my CG and trying to pretend everything was great. It wasn’t!

So to all f&f over Christmas. Don’t forget velvet’s basic advice. Do something that you enjoy over Christmas. Have some headspace away from gambling. Just for you. Just for today .

Wishing you peace at Christmas.

M x

[michelle45]

Hi Jenny

When I read your posts I often think that I could have been writing very similar words. As you know,. It is not you that is manipulative or unreasonable and I can relate to your reactions and why you believe. What kind of person would you be if you didn’t believe your CG could change ? The point is he could if he choose to. You just wanted to support him.

I also understand how much energy dealing with a CG takes if you let it. This site was my lifeline when I found it. I agree it takes so much time to build up the strength to stand up to the addiction. You are getting there step by step. Look how far you have come! I also agree that you need space to focus on yourself and your family.

You know where to come when you want support. I personally could never judge as I have walked alongside you. Repeating the same actions that got the same results. Velvets words always stick with me ‘ you will only change if you really want to change’ that takes time and energy. Vera posted on my thread when I wrote regularly and her words helped me get to grips with what was going on. Difficult though it was.

I still use the group but don’t post really now. I read your posts and wanted you to know more than anything that I understand. Your friends and family could not understand the addiction unless they have lived with it. I still can’t understand much of it . My ex is presently doing well. But I am still very wary.

Above all believe in yourself . You are challenging an awful addiction. Remember you are stronger than the addiction.

Have self belief and take care !!
M x

[michelle45]

Hi Jenny

I read yours and others posts on the site and although I do not post very often now I do use the support group. I just wanted you to know that I always completely understand what you say. I first posted on this site a year ago and in some ways I have come a very long way but do really struggle at times with the moving on. I understand it . I get it but it’s difficult practically and emotionally to do. When you write your posts I often feel you are describing my emotions.

You have come a long way. It took great strength to talk to your ex husband’s parents . To challenge the addiction. I am glad they were receptive. You are striving to do the best for your children despite your own emotions.

I understand the low days too .I understand the frustration. I understand the lack of comprehension . But remember you are doing well. As you say you are much stronger than you were and you and your children are safe in your home away from the addiction.

Take care
M

[michelle45]

Hi jenny

I read your post and it had me in tears. In such adversity you are determined to not let the addiction win . He is trying everything to make you complicit and you are remaining resolute. What a great role model you are for your children Jenny. How much stronger you have become.

Your words have really helped me and your actions are inspirational.

Take care

M

[michelle45]

Thanks for your response v it has made me feel better. I must admit I had the old familiar feeling of shame creeping in as I was starting to believe my ex was making good progress only to go back to gambling. The point is only he can control his progress ; but my focus needs to be on my life.

Your response has helped me see again how strong and dangerous the addiction is. How if I let it it will suck me back in!! I will take on my exs struggle instead of my own.

Writing down my feelings really does help. Talking to you does help. My feelings are what they are but I am living a better life and showing my daughter a better life with the addiction outside my door and not in it!!

I need to remember this!
Speak soon.

Regards m

[michelle45]

Hi oaj nice to meet you.

You sound like your making positive steps . Just wanted to comment as I had asked V a similar question about recovery. Recovery is talked about alot but I was getting concerned as I wasn’t sure I would recognise steps towards it. !

Now whilst writing this i am thinking about my own recovery from my exs gambling addiction. It is a much longer and more difficult journey than I imagined. Training myself to have different responses to the same outcomes. For myself I think about my ex’s recovery as being more aware of others needs and not just his own short term goals. About changing his behaviour when things are tough. Not resorting to gambling but finding a different way. Not just once but many times over a sustained period.

Your earlier post commented that your partner did not demonstrate the behaviour often talked about on here by f&f therefore maybe more difficult to detect a change? My ex acts differently when not gambling.

I’m sure a response from v will provide an explanation and give you clarity.

Regards

M

[michelle45]

Hi
I logged out of group by mistake and couldn’t get back in. Thanks v as always. I needed to remind myself about enabling. My ex does need to accept that he needs support if he truly wants to stop. He had a gamble free period but is gambling again. I just need to process this and set my thoughtsand actions appropriately! I have spent time reading my old posts and think it will help me to express my thoughts here! Time to remain strong!!

Regards mx

[michelle45]

Hi all. It is with interest I read the posts about Christmas. I just wrote a lengthy post and deleted it by accident ! This post will therefore be more succinct!

Reading velvets post made a lot of sense. I realise I was dreading Christmas before it came thinking the worst. Thinking back to past Christmas s. Realising I spent quite a lot of my time doing this in general. Expecting the worse. Then everything else is a bonus. Perhaps not realising it is a negative way to live.

Christmas has passed without drama. It has been really enjoyable. I have a 4 year old daughter who is having a great time. Time to take stock and look at ways to be more positive with my thoughts and expectations for 2016. Time to expect more from me and for me!

I send everyone best wishes for 2016. Thank you velvet for your ongoing support throughout the year. Thanks to the many others I have met and learnt from. Thanks to vera whose insight became a real turning point for me. I continue to read posts on both forums. This site has changed my life and feels like a good friend.

So I hope your Christmas went well. Best wishes for the new year.

Take care mx

[michelle45]

Hi jenny

I haven’t posted for a while on here but I just wanted to offer words of support and encouragement. This is what we need most in the most trying and difficult circumstances and you have been having a real rough ride.

You are stronger than the addiction jenny . you know that. It’s just so hard to work through. Just keep going!

I hope you and your family are doing OK.

Take care
M

[michelle45]

Hi Caroline

How are you doing? I’ve been reading your posts and as with many f&f completely understand how you feel and that immense feeling of frustration. Maybe things have calmed down and maybe they haven’t but I just wanted to reiterate believe in yourself. Your instincts are right but the addiction confuses you . I can only speak from my experience but I did not realise I had lost so much self confidence. I just always felt a feeling of unease. The more support you can gain with the day to day things in life the stronger you will feel.

I used to tie myself in knots thinking what I should say or not say to my CG. I have only recently understood that in a way that is irrelevant as its you you and your children that must come first. You have probably spent so much time on your husband you had forgotten that. You are getting stronger. You know you don’t want to continue as you are. You will also work out what to do when you are ready to do it. As you say it just takes time.

Take care caroline I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and your children.

M

[michelle45]

Hi Caroline

It was good to see you in group. I can see from your posts you have many questions about your husband and his behaviour and is good to learn about the addiction. I can share my journey so far with you and I hope some of it may help you come to your own decisions.

If you read my thread you will see my ex left myself and young daughter after argument about money. He moved back to his mothers who continues to enable and bail him out. I had known of his gambling problem for years and mistakenly believed by ex was trying to control it. Although he kept telling me he was trying to stop and we were going through the motions of me taking financial control he was actively gambling and I believe now had no intention of stopping .

We had lived in the same cycle for years although I did not realise this. He’d storm out we would separate. After a period of time I’d forget how bad things got and want the happy family and we would get back together only for the cycle to continue.

What has changed? I found this site and just read and read for months. I finally accepted my exs addiction and the power and control it had over him I didn’t understand how to look after myself at first. Ididnt know how to break free. I tried to arrange contact with my ex for our daughter , he made it difficult. He made communication diffficult, he made everything difficult!! I argued with him, I challenged him , I pleaded with him which only served to upset me more. Everything was hard as it revolved around him. I wore myself out thinking of what he may do or say next. None of it served any purpose.

Then I tried doing things for myself although my heart wasn’t in it. I’d forgotten all about me and what I liked doing as I was so wrapped up in my ex. Velvet gave me great advice. Fake it until you make it.!!

Slowly I started to think about me. I stopped trying to worry about my ex and started thinking about what I liked to do. Every time I responded to my ex or tried to control or worry about what he was doing I felt unhappy. When I looked at me I felt better. I could not control him.

So how did I start doing this?. The most simple things, meeting up with a friend, going for a walk. Planning something in advance that didn’t even mean contacting my ex or sharing anything with him. Building a wall of strength around me gave me some space and clarity. My mind became less full of gambling. Not responding to a text or comment designed to manipulate me to cause an argument so I could be blamed for gambling. Without me to blame what could my ex do to justify his gambling?

The turning point for both my ex and I was when I went on holiday with my daughter without him there. I felt empowered. I had been on holiday with my ex every year for the previous 8 or 9 years even through periods of separation. I think he felt confused. I felt alive for the first time in a long time ( and this was only in a caravan in Wales imagine if it had been somewhere exotic!)

I had stopped contacting him to make arrangements to see our daughter and when I stopped taking responsibility for him he started to do it for himself although still gambling. His behaviour improved as I learnt to impose boundaries. Simple things like having agreements in place for contact arrangements, not contacting him at all about our daughter if he was late. All of this has happened over the past 7 months. It seems small steps at the time but when I look back I have made huge strides. Throughout all of this he continues to live at his mothers. She supports him and although we were in contact this has very much reduced. My daughter sees her with my ex. She continues to enable him. His problem is not really talked about.

I would be lying if I said this was easy. It is one of the most challenging things I have ever done. I make mistakes, i slip to old patterns but they are slips and i am moving forward. I question myself but try and remain positive. My daughter is generally happy. The thing that has changed the most is the belief in myself. My self esteem has grown. I trust my instinct more. I know me best and my CG best. I had lost sight of this.

A few weeks ago my ex started talking about the idea of change. Reducing gambling. Now this means nothing unless backed up with actions. His behaviour has improved over the months. His reliability has improved. He wants to see our daughter. He wants to be involved. His life is not totally consumed by gambling.

Last weekend he lost control of his gambling again. Since then he has been talking about the need to stop. How he can’t control gambling. How he doesn’t even enjoy it.

I know he needs support to stop. I have mentioned this and will continue to do so. I do not know whether this will last or how long his desire to stop will remain. He is currently not gambling. I’m trying hard to continue to do as I have been. Not to get sucked in. Remaining on this site rereading my posts helps me do this.
A CG is very convincing and manipulative. I have to remain strong and not doubt myself.

Carolinea you have found this site . I know you are looking to change. You are strong enough to do it. Believe in yourself, focus on you. Your husband will eventually notice when you shift the focus away from him. He will do as he wants, you are not responsible for him and his behaviour. You are not responsible for his family and their choices. Do what is right for you and your children. It’s the only thing that will help you. Find your peace.

I hope this makes sense. It is just my journey. It will continue and I must keep working on me. I don’t want to live with the addiction anymore. I don’t you do either.

Kind regards

Take care m x

[michelle45]

Hi hope

At the moment you seem to be at a place where you don’t feel hope. I completely understand I have been there. I can relate to so much in your post, my ex is a compulsive gamber(CG) and have lived with much of what you describe. The pain of getting through every day can be so difficult and you mention your young child. I also have a young daughter. Remember you are the one making clear judgements to protect your child. Have faith in yourself. Children adjust to new situations.

I have been using this site for months. Over a period of time you will get stronger. Its small steps but you can get there. You understand your husband has an addiction and that it will drag you down and if you let it. You mention getting away and although separation is painful it does give you clarity. Living with a CG is so confusing , upsetting and painful. You are gaining knowledge. Your husbands family are probably also confused by the addiction as you are and sounds like tried to distance themselves. I myself have felt so I unsure and desolate many times.

Months down the line I am becoming stronger. It takes practice but refusing to listen to the addiction gives you strength. You are able to make rational judgements and start again to believe in yourself.

Your post suggests your ready to take action for you. If you don’t change anything nothing will change. You will meet velvet and others on here that have help me change my life but this is your journey. I am only telling you this because I have stood where you are now but am now moving forward. Freedom is there for you too.

Take care of yourself. Stay strong

Regards
MX

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