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  • in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6822
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Well, the darkness felt like it was surroundinb me and  going to get more and more dark, and now I’m starting to see glimmers of light. 
    Small glimmers of hope. I don’t cry everyday anymore, yay! 

    I found a new attorney that is much cheaper, and seems to pay a lot more attention. I still have to deal with my husband legally being allowed to live in the same house even though he can afford to live somewhere else, or with family. 
    He is as manipulative as ever. He forced  me into bankruptcy. I will have to file, but I can’t afford the attorney for that right now. He went against the judges orders of “keeping the status quo” and continuing to  pay all of the bills. I don’t know how he gets away with all of it. But there is nothing I can do. 
    my children know about the divorce, and they seem fine with it. I felt like it was a relief  to them. It helped my heart that they acted like it wasn’t a bad thing, but of course my soon to be ex, tries to terrify them about it and blame me for it continuously. I am thankful for my friends being strong for me, and for my family helping me with what they could. 
    my attorney wants me to go to free domestic violence counseling (even though I don’t have physical abuse, I have suffered great mental, financial, and emotional abuse.) I never realized there was any real help for me at all. 
    So I guess it’s a blessing that the old attorney quit. 
    I have been turning a corner recently. Even though there is a global pandemic, I have started talking to an old friend from college years. He makes me laugh so much. I can’t even remember laughing like that in years. We haven’t seen each other in person, just talked On the phone. Who knows what can happen with that, but it’s just nice to have a new friend,  if anything. He said when the pandemic hopefull’y eases more that we can go to dinner. He was a really kind person that I met my freshman year of college and we have enjoyed talking about just life and where we have been since then. 
    Hopefully my case will progress soon and I can say I’m finally divorced and financially starting over. I had another job interview this week, and hopefully I will get this one and start June 1. So far my family has been safe from the pandemic. I hope it stays that way!! I hope all of you are safe as well. 
    I am Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I was in a really bad place and I just didn’t have anything good or positive to say.
    I don’t know  exactly what has brought me through this darkness. I think partly this group, new friends, my sweet neighbors and girlfriend, my family, and my hope that I can have a life after this. I’ve finally accepted that I will have to start over 100% financially. That was really devastating for me. But I’m alive and I’m healthy and I am starting to believe I can get through it. Thank you for checking on me!! It means the world!! Stay safe in the pandemic!! All the best, Momo

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6818
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    I haven’t written in a while. I have been feeling so down and completely hopeless. I gave every penny I had (most borrowed from friends and family) to a divorce attorney.
    He quit because my retainer ran out. I never even got in front of a judge for a temporary order.
    I have zero spousal or child support and no way to pay a new attorney, and no way to ou the bills from my previous attorney on top of what I paid for a retainer.
    My husband is a gambling addict and an attorney, so he has held me hostage in this marriage. He refuses to move out of the house and let me start over.
    He made sure to tell my children “your mother filed for divorce”. As if I had any choice.
    I can’t understand how I am in a position of defending myself when this person ruined our lives financially and has been a pathological liar about everything for over 20 years.
    He literally blames me for every single thing that has gone wrong in his life including his daughter not even wanting to go get ice cream with him. It’s all my fault.
    Truthfully, I have thought about suicide. I am so unhappy and in pain. I just want the pain and anxiety to stop. I can’t see myself ever being free or happy.
    I love my children so much, but having this mentally ill person in my life has brought me to my knees. I don’t understand why he just can’t move on and let me heal.
    I have to see him every day, and have all of the awkwardness around my kids.
    I have been deprived of legal representation because he is financially abusive towards me.
    I buy food with an EBT SNAP benefits card from the government. My husband never leaves enough money in our account for the needs of myself and my children.
    When I think about how much he gambled away and what he deprived my children from having. For example, my friends got together and gave me money and gift cards for Christmas. I used some of that money for my sons 17th birthday. My dad had paid for my daughters dance shoes and clothes.
    My friends have bought my children clothing and paid for them to go to an amusement park before school started. I have been getting charity. My husband has had two raises totaling 25% of his salary and a bonus and yet, I have nothing and couldn’t pay my attorneys most recent bills so he quit.
    I have reached my bottom limit.
    I will have to hire a new attorney.
    I feel like there is no way out. I have another job interview on Friday. I hope it turns into something. I have nothing. I am ready to just move on. I just can’t believe this is my life.

    in reply to: How do you deal with the RAGE AND ANGER #7044
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    I wish I knew the answer to that, but this forum has helped me immensely. I have a husband that has lied and gambled for our entire marriage of 20 years. I have a lot of anger, but I mostly take it out on him or just cry when I’m alone. I can’t imagine being a child in this situation. I had an amazing father that didn’t even drink or gamble. I feel bad for my children that they have to live through this chaos. I try so hard not to fight him and be angry about the situation we face in front of them, but it’s so hard. It is an anger that tears us apart. I think it’s their lack of understanding about what it does to those affected. Or maybe their inability to deal with the enormity of the damage they have caused. I am sorry your mom took it out on you. It definitely had nothing to do with you. It’s an adult problem and not a kid problem, but it’s such a terrible problematic situation.
    I’m sure your mother was probably hanging on by a thread. It is so stressful to think you could lose your home or suddenly be responsible for saving your entire family financially. The gambling addict gets away with it and can say “it wasn’t intentional”, so you must have compassion for them. But let’s be real, that is really hard to do when it’s such a betrayal and so hard to deal with something so difficult that wasn’t chosen by us or for us. It was selfish of your dad, and selfish of my husband to lack empathy and understanding for us. We deserve that. You deserve all the best. Just come to this group and rage on about what really hurt you. It’s something some people need to process what has happened to them. I know I need it and it does help to know you are not alone. 🙂

    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    I have had good days and bad. Lately seems mostly bad.
    I will have to go to trial for the divorce. He is fighting me on every little thing. He has made it so that he stays in the same home as me and the kids until either mediation in a month or trial in two to three months.
    I have never felt more alone and just sad. I have amazing neighbors and friends in my neighborhood that have prayed for me and helped me with Christmas. My dad is helping with legal bills even though I didn’t have enough money to drive and visit him for the holidays. I feel awful that I haven’t seen my parents since they both had heart surgery. I stayed with them in the hospital, but since then I haven’t seen them.
    With my husband and regards to him taking an allowance,
    There was no gaining control of our finances from my husband.
    He would never just be on an allowance and allow me to have control. I think because he knows that means big gambling would be even harder to hide and he would be done with binge gambling forever if I was in charge of finances. He wouldn’t say that, he just says it’s not a problem for him to quit, even though he has apparently been like this even before I knew him. He has lots of family helping him hide his addiction.
    He still takes no responsibility in the choices he made and just blames me for the divorce and says it’s just me not being forgiving.
    I am a forgiving person. I just thought my children would be worse off if my husband lost our home because of gambling. I had to make a hard decision and financially separate. I will now have to rebuild my life and make my way in the world and support my children the best way I can. This is not the easy choice. But I cannot trust him. He did nothing to rebuild trust. He could not give up control of the money. And he continued to prioritize his gambling debts over debts of the family.
    It’s a long long story. He has been mentally abusive to me and financially abusive to me. If I had a friend in the same situation I would scream at her to LEAVE! I had friends screaming that at me, but I don’t even remember them telling me because I wasn’t ready to hear it.
    I have grown stronger and more confident in my choices. But it is still scary and hard.
    I pray that my kids will someday know I did this to protect them from the chaos and financial roller coaster.
    I don’t think it’s my job to negotiate an amount of gambling that is right for him. I don’t think an addict can truly gamble again and be in recovery, but that’s just my opinion.
    Best of luck to anyone that can do that. I try not to judge anyone, but I have lived through a nightmare. I know it’s hard for the addict as well, but I feel like it’s just as hard on those affected that didn’t choose this lifestyle, but have to pay the price.

    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    I am sorry it took me a while to respond. I didnt know if I had a good answer. I would say that being on a forum means that maybe you are willing to really understand what  caused your gambling problem. The first thing my husband  did was blame me. He still blames His last gambling  blow up on not having the right job situation. I am just blown away. 

    He blames me for the end of our marriage and everything else. I am over it. 

    I think the fact that you are asking these questions is a good start. I think yes things could have been different if my husband were that person. If he were self reflective and didn’t blame everyone and everything else for his issues. 

    Today my husband told me he isn’t/wasn’t  a liar. That it was not lying when he said he “had 20 dollars and was going to go see how long that would last at the casino”. When he actually would gamble $3,000 in a night. He did that over and over and over and over. I am amazed that in his mind it’s only lying if it was “intentional”. I can’t even understand that logic. I was raised by a simple man who didn’t lie, didn’t cheat, didn’t drink, and  didn’t steal from his family. 

    Had my husband came to me and said he was sorry and that he messed up and messed up BIG, and took his name off of our accounts and handed over control of the finances, maybe then Things may have been different. But, he doubled down and refused to give up any control, take any responsibility , would not accept that it was a huge betrayal, and he let everyone in his family blame me for his financial problems. It’s humiliating to me to think how stupid I was for so long. I allowed someone to completely lie and steal from my kids future. I let  that happen on my watch, and that is my biggest regret. I regret trusting the person I married. I regret letting that person make me feel like it was my fault. I let him manipulate me and make me feel like I caused that to happen because I didn’t make enough money Or because my husband had the wrong job. Or because “insert excuse” was happening to him. It’s always about him. I think my gambling husband was and is a narcissist. There is no wrong doing in his mind. It wasn’t intentional and therefore all should just be forgiven. Had there not been significant mental abuse and emotional trauma and financial abuse maybe it would have been differen, but I have no idea because that was my situation. I hope you are good to your wife. If you want help, really get help and realize it isn’t any different than any other addiction. Be kind, don’t be abusive, ask yourself if you really do love your wife. 

    I think you said she doesn’t love you anyway, and that sounds troubling. I feel like that is possibly a rationalization for your behavior. Maybe you want her attention. Gambling is not the way to do that. If you don’t love each other that is a separate issue. I wish I could be more helpful but this is all I know. I only know what I went through. Being lied to about anything is a big betrayal. I would say put yourself in her shoes and think how you would feel and what you would want. I would have liked to see  real remorse and change. 

    But im over it. Now I get to fight the last battle in court. 

    I wish You all the best  

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6816
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Thanks for letting me know about the group. I’ll have to figure out what time that is here. Hopefully I can join.
    I didn’t have luck with my friend and her husband who is an attorney. He is not a skilled divorce attorney, so I’m still looking for one who I can afford and that is experienced.
    I have told my husband that by denying me access to money he is forcing me to stay married. He says I can leave anytime and I can get a job and pay for it myself. He isn’t leaving the house because it’s his home. It’s my home too in ownership, but divorced people do not live together. It will cost me a lot of money to pay an attorney and force him out. I can’t and would never leave my children and just move out with nothing. Even if I had a better paying job than I have right now.
    He completely believes that I just have “issues”. That he has done nothing, he isn’t emotionally and financially abusive and me accusing him is absolutely absurd. His family putting me down means nothing, I’m just “holding a grudge” and can’t move past anything.
    So, talking to him, anything he has done is just nothing. You would think I am asking for a divorce because he got a speeding ticket. That I’m just a crazy person. I don’t even speak to him unless I absolutely have to. I avoid him at all costs. I don’t want him here or anywhere around me. I don’t fight with him, or try to get him to see my side of the story. That would be pointless.
    In all of this, the thing that bothers me the most is him letting himself off the hook for the past 20 years with “I didn’t do anything intentionally to hurt you.” But yet, he denies that he has any further problems with addiction or gambling. I don’t see how you can claim to have an addiction illness and not cause harm intentionally, but then be totally miraculously cured and just suddenly say “that’s in the past we don’t need to discuss that anymore”. After I confronted him, the next day, he was cured and didn’t need meetings or counseling. I told him I wanted out and he decided to go to a meeting. But he didn’t “belong”. He didn’t have a problem. But yet all the losses and debt and misery he caused wasn’t intentional. I don’t get it. Why does it matter if it’s intentional or not? The problem is that he is cruel to me. Blaming me for everything. He never takes the blame for this relationship ending. He tells me I’m a horrible person for wanting a divorce. But I don’t see it that way. I see me protecting our kids from multi-generational addiction and abuse issues. But it’s still hard to be told that I am the one who has “issues”.
    This is life with a narcissistic gambling addict.
    I hope someday I can be happy and that my children will understand.

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6813
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Hi Velvet,
    I don’t know if this is the place to ask, but how do I do a live group? Is that something that works on the phone or do I have to log in with a computer?
    I would also like to hear your story. Can I send you an email?
    Thanks!
    Momo

    in reply to: My dad is homeless because of his addiction. #6893
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Nick,
    I have found a lot of positive support here in the forum. I am pretty new to this as well.
    One thing I have learned is not to blame yourself. As hard as that may be, it isn’t your fault. You are the child and he is the parent, it was never your job to provide for him. You didn’t betray him and damage the relationship.
    My husband is a gambling addict, and I have been blamed for all of it, By him and his family. I am learning that this is a part of the addiction. His family ignores issues like this as well. It’s a part of being an enabler. Looking the other way allows it to continue.
    Talking to others that understand definitely helps.
    My husband’s father was a gambler as well. And he has taken so much money from his children and plays on their sympathy just to get attention or money. Until I realized what was going on with my husband I didn’t see how manipulative his parents both are, and his brothers too. They all ignores his fathers gambling issues and think it’s just something others should tolerate. They don’t believe the extent to which my husband has damaged our own family financially. They all believe he is a victim, and I am to blame. I am no longer an enabler, so I am criticized and made to feel like I did something wrong. It’s so hard to keep it straight in your mind when that happens.
    I know how painful it is when this person that was supposed to be a loving family member betrays, lies, and accuses you. It’s painful, and you grieve. Definitely keep reaching out until it’s better and you feel stronger. Believe in your sense of what’s “right”. You know inside that you didn’t cause this.
    This is my biggest fear that my children will wind up dealing with my husband in the future and that he will take advantage of them or try, And make them feel they are to blame for a lost connection. I am trying to get a divorce and start over in life. We were ruined financially by my husband and it will be a long road for me to recover. But I know I have to protect myself and my kids future financially from him. You need to protect yourself as well. It seems like you know and that you’ve dealt with it for a long time. Sadly we can’t make them change and be a different person. But you can change yourself and how you react. I had so much anger in the beginning, and I just couldn’t even understand how a father and husband could do this to his own wife and kids. How can he blame me for his financial losses. But that’s how he was raised. That is the addiction in families.
    Take care of yourself and stay strong. It’s not your fault that your dad wound up in this position. His addiction will manipulate you and make you believe it’s your fault, but it’s not. You still love him, but you don’t love his addiction. I hope you find answers and support.

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6811
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Thanis, enjoy your time away! 

    I look forward to hearing from you! 

    Momo

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6809
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Velvet, 

    do you have a place where you have told your story? 

    I would like to read or hear it. I think it would help me. 

    I read your responses again and again because they help me calm the chaos. Thank you. I have cried a lot lately and feel so scared and worried And alone. I do have friends, but I don’t want to drain them. It’s been so hard because even my own brother didn’t believe me about my husband. My brother loves me and yet he still didn’t believe me until I had many conversations with my dad about my situation begging for support mentally, and begging them to visit me. 

    I feel more hopeful about the attorney situation. I have an old high school friend whose husband is an attorney that may help me. 

    I have been avoiding my husband as much as possible. I used to try and explain my hurt to him and how terrible it was that his family blames me, and how he shouldn’t have any control of our finances, but I realized after the billionth time, I might as well talk to a wall. I keep to myself, I am working on getting money for an attorney, and getting some cushion for when I file and looking for a job. I’m praying, I have neighbors praying, and I am focusing on the best happening. I have always said “I deserve better and the kids deserve better”. And we do. 

    I don’t know exactly how to prepare my children, and I don’t know exactly how to explain what is happening. They are old enough to know their dad had/has  a gambling problem, but they don’t and won’t know for a long time the mental anguish that caused and all the stress it brought to our lives. That will all affect them for years to come. 

    My husband scares me because he has lied to everyone we know. Everyone we  know always liked him better than me. He convinces people pretty easily as an attorneY. I am just a mom, so who would listen to me? I just have my gut feelings and a few bank statements. And my prayers that I get back to a normal life without anxiety and fear. I feel people always liked him better but Maybe that was because I was always the “sober” unfun person. I always had to be “on duty”. I always thought what if the kids needed something in the middle of the night and he was drunk, I would have to be the one to drive. He never felt the need to worry about that. 

    Everyday is a new day for him. Like nothing ever happened. Like he feels no worries and no remorse. It’s shocking to me and I have never understood it. 

    Anyway, Velvet, I would love to hear your story. 

    Thank you! 

    Momo

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6808
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Velvet, 

    do you have a place where you have told your story? 

    I would like to read or hear it. I think it would help me. 

    I read your responses again and again because they help me calm the chaos. Thank you. I have cried a lot lately and feel so scared and worried And alone. I do have friends, but I don’t want to drain them. It’s been so hard because even my own brother didn’t believe me about my husband. My brother loves me and yet he still didn’t believe me until I had many conversations with my dad about my situation begging for support mentally, and begging them to visit me. 

    I feel more hopeful about the attorney situation. I have an old high school friend whose husband is an attorney that may help me. 

    I have been avoiding my husband as much as possible. I used to try and explain my hurt to him and how terrible it was that his family blames me, and how he shouldn’t have any control of our finances, but I realized after the billionth time, I might as well talk to a wall. I keep to myself, I am working on getting money for an attorney, and getting some cushion for when I file and looking for a job. I’m praying, I have neighbors praying, and I am focusing on the best happening. I have always said “I deserve better and the kids deserve better”. And we do. 

    I don’t know exactly how to prepare my children, and I don’t know exactly how to explain what is happening. They are old enough to know their dad had/has  a gambling problem, but they don’t and won’t know for a long time the mental anguish that caused and all the stress it brought to our lives. That will all affect them for years to come. 

    My husband scares me because he has lied to everyone we know. Everyone we  know always liked him better than me. He convinces people pretty easily as an attorneY. I am just a mom, so who would listen to me? I just have my gut feelings and a few bank statements. And my prayers that I get back to a normal life without anxiety and fear. I feel people always liked him better but Maybe that was because I was always the “sober” unfun person. I always had to be “on duty”. I always thought what if the kids needed something in the middle of the night and he was drunk, I would have to be the one to drive. He never felt the need to worry about that. 

    Everyday is a new day for him. Like nothing ever happened. Like he feels no worries and no remorse. It’s shocking to me and I have never understood it. 

    Anyway, Velvet, I would love to hear your story. 

    Thank you! 

    Momo

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6806
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Hi Velvet, 

    I met with an attorney. He seemed great, but needs a big retainer, and I don’t have the money.  I am going to meet with others and maybe  one of them will let me pay as I go. I am trying to reach out to my father for help, but he is 75 and has to care for my mom, so he can’t do much. 

    The attorney had some good points. 

    1. This is all normal for my husband‘s  family and they have learned to support it because their dad has done it. 

    2. He could be sanctioned by the judge when he hears  about how my husband has treated creditors and lied to creditors to avoid paying Credit cards. The attorney says he should have known better because he is an officer of the court. 

    3. my husband will probably file bankruptcy when I file for divorce.  

    4. I will have to prove the gambling. 

    5. I am in a bad situation. 

    6. All of the money he has taken from family could he considered income. And none of it has benefitted me or the kids. It’s onky going to him. 

    7. Since I was in a meeting with my husband and a bankruptcy attorney to see if my husband should file ch. 13, the divorce attorney could use the notes from that meeting in our divorce. The attorney did not represent me. I’m not sure how that all works. 

    8. I need to get all the money for myself together that I can because I will be cut off from money when I file. 

    This is terrifying. I have no money. 

    That attornet seemed confident he knew what to do, but this is not your average opponent. And he wasn’t aware of the state sponsored gambling addiction treatment  our state offers. I just don’t if anyone is really well versed in this type of situation. 

    Just in the last month my husbands family has given him over $2,000 dollars, that I have been told about. He had car repairs, and we were negative in our accounts. He just keeps getting money from his parents to pay his bills but there is never money for Bills in my name. 

    I noticed the other day some place settings of our collectible

    flatware are missing. If I say anything about it to him, he will just say ”It wasn’t me”, but how do 4 place settings just go missing.

    Who knows what happened to that.

    We have no money in the bank we are always negative.

    It makes zero sense. He isn’t paying very many of our bills but we keep having less and less money. Now 600 dollars a month is going to pay unpaid taxes. But yet he still acts like our problems are because of my debts. I only have debt because he never left enough money in the bank for Me and the children to meet our needs. 

    I told the attorney that I have been forced to live off of credit. I take care of the kids needs and food needs with credit. My Husband acts like he has nothing to do with me living on credit. 

    I just can’t understand his need to control all of our finances and not allow me to pay the bills. I  paid the bills when he lived with his parents for a couple of weeks before Christma. I found lots of money available. He takes the bills from the house, so I don’t even have my statements,  Or his statements to look at. He is cleaning the slate for his credit and I know when he does that he will start gambling again.He doesn’t admit gambking is a problem for him. He keeps saying he just made a few mistakes. Still thinks he is smarter than anyone else, and he has no problem. He just says our problem is “we have a lot of debt”. 

    I asked my husband today, did you really go to actual gambling counseling? Did you get counseling for fhat or did you say it was for something else? 

    He says he actually had counseling for gambling. I just feel like it was for nothing. He acts way worse now. Who knows if he’s gambling? He has access to all of our money and retirement and credit cards. I have zero control over any of it. 

    I suppose I need to copy bank records and ask for credit card statements. But none of his credit cards are in my name. I just don’t know exactly how to document it all. 

    I have a great friend that has been a therapist for almost 20 years. She has helped me think through some things. I feel that my husband has so many enablers in his family that  he cannot see himself Clearly. Or maybe he just diesnt want to.

    While I was listening to our daughter tell me how badly  she needs clothes (she has hit her pre-teen growth spurt) and our son needs new shoes, my husband sends me a message saying he has planned a four day vacation with his guy friends. 

    He hasn’t taken his kids on a trip in two years, or found a way to pay off back taxes and debts, but hey he is planning a guys trip. Most of his guy trips in the past were to gambling destinations. I told him no more trips because it was unfair to the kids and me for him to have all of these “guy trips, hunting every single season trips, fishing trips, camping trips,  bachelor parties“. He stopped for a long time, but now he is planning trips again. This one he says is a fishing trip. It doesn’t matter what type of trip it is supposed to be. He will use it a s a four day weekend to get as drunk as he can while being away from us.  He has been on hunting trips where he got so drink he fell into a bon-fire and burned his hand. On another trip he badly cut his friend with his knife by being careless. It was embarrassing. 

    I just cannot have a lot of sympathy or compassion for this person. He would tell me all of the time when I confronted him about gambling that I had no compassion. It made me feel bad, but I just had more concern for my kids. Plus I’m just done with the chaos that he has brought to our lives.

    We have never had stable finances, since we were first married. I gave up a great teaching job that  I loved because I needed to make more money And provide health benef for us. He was working with his dad and wasn’t making any money. I wound up teaching in a terrible school for more money, and I hated it. I didn’t want to teach after that. 

    I feel like I have given up so much of my life for someone that just  uses people for what he can get out of them. 

    He claims he has to “go to work” every night of the week, and he stays out til 1 or 2 AM. I just dont believe anything he says

    How can I? 

    I hope I have the strength to get through all of this, and I hope I have a home and my kids with me in the end. 

    I am searching for a job, so I can have money to pay the bills and take care of my family on my own. And hopefully I will be able to pay the really expensive attorney Fees. 

    in reply to: How do I recover, and how can this be my new reality? #6804
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Its so nice to know that someone agrees that a committed  addiction counselor would tell my husband to change almost everything when it comes to control of money and using his parents credit cards. 

    He will not give up control of any finances. To me that is saying to the world “What gambling problem?” 

    I would really like to now how things go in court when you are actually divorcing a gambling addict. 

    My son is 16 and my daughter is 11. 

    I need to know, am I losing the house, can I have the kids live mostly with me. I just feel like it should help me financially to get a divorce and not have him in charge of all the money anymore. I just want to hear other‘s experience. 

    Thank you Velvet! You are helping me so much!! 

    in reply to: I am New #6717
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    Hi, I have been married 20 years and am also new to this forum. I hope you are making it through. I know how hard the lies can be on us non-gamblers.
    I cannot tell what my husband believes is real and what he believes is a lie. I have no idea how much he has lied to me and everyone else.
    My husband’s family chooses to believe his lies that he is not an addict, and that I caused all of his financial issues. I cannot even have a concert with him anymore. It’s all deflection and changing the subject. Please let us know how you are doing.

    in reply to: Need help…husband in complete denial #6700
    Momoftwogreatkids
    Participant

    I hope you are doing better. I feel like your story is similar to mine. Except that when I found out, I had to tell someone. I called a support group and the entire time my husband was screaming at me “what are you doing??? Stop!!” He didn’t want me to talk to anyone I suppose. I listened to
    Dave K. tell me his story and his sisters story, and I didn’t really believe that I was in a situation like that, but it was actually much worse than I thought. I still think it’s much worked than he will ever admit.
    I am impressed that you are tech savvy and can tell how much he gambled. I have only the joint bank account that he used in his most desperate times when he was out of loans and credit. I would see strange deposits and wonder what it was, and then I saw all of the ATM withdrawals on our banking app. That was my extent of being tech savvy. I downloaded our banks app to my phone and, wow. He was gambling his entire two weeks pay in one night. Borrowing that back from his Parents so I wouldn’t notice. He also took out loans from his 401K. I only know because of the bank account deposits.
    When I confronted him he literally said it was all my fault.
    I don’t think they can ever gamble just a little bit. That is like an alcoholic just taking one sip. They can’t, and shouldn’t.
    I hope your situation is getting better. I confronted my husband one year ago, and I have struggled through his anger.
    His blame. His shaming me for calling him out on what he did and basically addressing the truth. I literally would find myself blurting out to my friends that my husband had a gambling addiction. It was too hard to hide. Not to everyone but a few peole I respected. I think it helped me somewhat. I would stalk these support groups for a year before I ever posted. I had a life coach tell me I should just get a divorce. O didn’t think I could at the time. I am meeting with a divorce attorney soon. In fact my husband said he was done with me and would be meeting with one a couple of weeks ago. He is an attorney, so I’m a little scared of how I will end up. I don’t want to live with him. But I want my children with me.
    I hope you can get your husband to admit he has a problem and actually stop gambling.
    I don’t even know if that is something we are supposed to do or say. I guess they have to decide for themselves. But I have decided for myself and for my kids that we deserve better.
    You deserve the best too. And being lied to is not the best for anyone. I hope you will let us know how you are doing.
    All the Best!

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