[Monica1]

Don’t feel ashamed or guilty as everyone has big issues they are dealing with. It is only when we hear of others difficulties that we can gain some perspective. Things are mega difficult in the U.K.at the moment and sickness is rife. There are major issues in the cost of living and multiple strikes. I have had an incredibly difficult time, and have now been trapped on a bed in a room since I got sick in March 21. It is torture sometimes both from the imprisoned perspective and the treatment. Plus I am in this state due to delays in treatment and access to medical care during lockdown. Things should have happened six months earlier and the disease would not have travelled to the heart and nervous system causing so much disability. I am a free spirit so this has been torture losing all my independence. But in May 21 I was given 3 to 4 months and 8 am still here, very mentally intact but physically disabled.

[Monica1]

Hi Kin
Lovely to hear from you. I will catch up on your thread soon. I can guarantee you I am no angel! I have just been for chemo and shared an ambulance back with a young woman who has had a liver transplant and has also been through the mill. There is always someone having a difficult time in life and the lesson is to count one’s blessings. If you are alive and have your health, you are blessed. You can always rebuild your life from that first step, day 1 although you don’t (well I don’t) want to repeat too many day 1s stuck on the gambling roundabout.
Because I am terminally ill creditors from the past which are some big numbers don’t bother me. Financially, I am ok as my work covered my pay, in part, whilst I was very I’ll. i gave up gambling and smoking and then got 2 terminal illnesses. So much for life getting better. Not in my case! Some folks get all the luck don’t they?
I still spend money on computer games but only a few pounds here and there. I can honestly say I just don’t want to gamble. I succeeded in stopping smoking when i got sick after 40 odd years. The next will be not to rely on OxyContin for pain which I have to at the moment. I ran out and haven’t haD any for two days. I have only been on it for three months and boy did I notice. Withdrawals already, emotions coming up like a submarine surfacing. I don’t like being addicted to anything, and seem to have an addictive nature. I have given up all addictions so the painkiller will be next.

[Monica1]

Hi. Well done for making some good moves. The losses and compulsion, self blame will only get worse. It never gets better until we really want to stop doing this to ourselves. Compulsive gamblers never win. The temptation will be to go back and chase losses. Bad move as you will end up losing m9re, I guarantee it. The money is gone. Move on. You ar3cat da6 one of a life without the heartache and misery of gambling.

[Monica1]

Hello all
Well, it has been a year and seven months since I last posted. Thanks Kin for missing me. Idi will know what happened and I wonder if she still posts. My battle has not been with gambling but in staying alive. In the second lockdown, I became very seriously I’ll losing all my function, dizziness and tachycardia, and over the period of a month became unable to walk, stand or even sit upright. I was unable to access any medical care in lockdown and ended up doing my own ECG. It is a long story and some day i will write about it but I ended up spending four months in hospital. I was diagnosed with two terminal anD incurable diseases, the very rare one in eight million systemic AL amyloidosis and multiple myeloma or bone marrow cancer. I have been trapped on a bed in one room now since discharge in August 21 waiting for appropriate disabled access housing. In May 21 I was given three to four months to live but am still here despite having zero quality of life. I have carers and Pete helps a lot. I am carried out using specialist equipment and stretchered everywhere, It has been one difficult road and I will be on chemo for two years. The amyloid is in my heart, kidneys, liver, spleen autonomic nervous system and started in my kidneys, I am on twice weekly dialysis. Amyloid is a disease of the plasma cells in the bone marrow which create misfolded proteins. The proteins deposit in organs and basically shut them down. It is pretty horrible. But I am still alive. Have I gambled through all this. I think I probably did once as you can imagine being stuck in a bed day in day out gets pretty boring. It did nothing for me and I don’t want to do it any more, it simply,doesn’t hold anything for me now. I am much more engaged now with staying alive. merry Xmas all.

[Monica1]

Hello Kin
Yes, it has been a long time since I last posted. I have found lockdown tough being confined to the flat on my own. I remain gf, it is now three and a half years. My financial situation is unchanged but during the Covid 2nd wave I have not been bothered too much with creditors.
Late January and February were quite tough for me. My smoking finally caught up with me. I have been diagnosed with nephrotic syndrome and despite it being urgent, admission for a kidney biopsy has been delayed till mid March. I should have had my first Astra Zeneca vax by then. I developed breathlessness and cardiac arrhythmias and it was very difficult to access my gp, primary care practitioner and kept being fobbed off with go to a and e by the reception staff. Eventually three weeks later my gp said two week wait for routine ecg and five weeks for 24 hour one. So I did my own ecg and staggered down to my gp surgery with the trace. I could not even walk ten yards. Ended up seeing a very rude cardiologist at my local hospital. A blood test for clot activity was three times above normal and I was treated for a blood clot in the lung or heart and sent home to inject myself in the tummy with clot busting injections. This was a truly horrible time and I decided to go cold Turkey with cigarettes at the same time. I am now on day 16. A lung scan a few days later failed to reveal any clots in the lungs. I am still awaiting other cardiac tests but I can now say I am all addiction free, the toughest of all was the cigs. I am taking Ayurvedic medicine and the arrhythmia’s are easing off every day but at one point they were really bad. It feels good not to smoke. This was after all a 49 year pack plus a day habit.
Today I am reasonably ok, still working from home. I found the isolation after now one year working from home and living alone really quite difficult. Pete had also been quite tired of all of this as well and in the recent very snowy bad weather wasn’t able to earn. Also, have desperately needed a dentist as my front teeth crowns are loose and falling out but like 3verything in healthcare only the most urgent dentistry is being done right now.
I would so love to give the best news but right now surviving and staying well is my priority for myself and my family. I think here in the U.K. we have all had a complete bashing from Covid and are so ready to reopen and end lockdown again. It has been so bad for all ages mental health to be stuck with lockdown.

[Monica1]

Ty Kin. And I wish the same to you and your family.
I spent from lunchtime on the 26th to yesterday evening alone. Although I am meant to be working I haven’t done very much as it is very quiet. Although, there has been a call out in London for all staff clinical and non clinical to see if they can go in. Hospitals in London are becoming dangerously overwhelmed with Covid and it is a critical and worrying time.
Pete came round last night but was quite tired as indeed was I. I made a roast lamb dinner which was really good but we ate late and I ended up falling asleep. Pete mentioned that pre lockdown I was looking great, slim and vibrant and not so much now. I have to say I agree. He is encouraging me to get on the treadmill. I had worked hard on it though pre Covid snd it all culminated in one of the best days ever this year, February 25th, pre lockdown when Pete and I went to Brighton to see the lighthouse family.
Now nearly ten months stuck in the house from March 7th, working from home and it has had its affect. A lack of exercise and generally not feeling great. And not being able to do much about it as all non essential shops r closed and hospitals are not safe places to even go for an appointment now. I have deferred all medical procedures to the spring. I have had a few urges as I am incredibly bored and fed up with this situation. I think lockdown is very very damaging for many but the alternative isn’t the better option. So it is a case of just staying safe. What do people do when they are in prison, just try and keep fit and well I suppose. Survive.
Normally I would be writing my goals for 2021 as I usually do but this year it is different. I would like for Covid to be obliterated worldwide and for some things to get back to a safe normal. And to recover my health. The diet is starting on 4th January so we will see where we go with it. I will carry on with the courses I have done this year, two of them complete, one just about to finish, second part of another starting on 7th January and the diets course I am massively behind on. But I have done 4 courses during 2020 and completed two nearly three so am pleased with that. Time not entirely wasted.
I wish everyone on the site a gambling free 2021 and that we can all return to some type of normality in 2021.

[Monica1]

Doing this In sections so as not to lose it. Pete left midday on Boxing Day but took someleft over dinner and dessert for the elderly chap he lives with. I had cooked a roast beef the day before and he gave it all to Bailey, misunderstanding something I said. I simply laughed about it. I spent the rest of Boxing Day alone which was fine and Pete rang me in the evening to thank me for all the food.
Since lockdown in March, and being at home, I have put back 10 lbs of the 30 lbs I lost. I have had health issues and ended up seeing a cardiologist and a renal physician. The cardiologist as I had become breathless walking up stairs snd had a tachycardia and a slightly iffy ecg. But was discharged after a normal x ray and echo. Turns out everything was made much worse by nicotine replacement therapy which I cannot now do as ticker too sensitive to it. Always knew I had something wrong with my kidneys in lockdown and indeed I do. It looks as though I have an autoimmune kidney disease called iga nephropathy. It can only be confirmed by biopsy but they are fairly certain it is that. It causes ones cholesterol to rise to very high levels which mine did. I was really concerned at the crowded waiting room when I went for the ultrasound plus no temperatures taken so I have deferred the biopsy to the spring. It is done awake, yuck…. I have done some medical research and it seems untreAted H pylori can cause this disease. Wasn’t told that by the medics. So, eradicate the h pylori and the kidney disease can improve. 1in 4 will develop renal failure or it can go into remission. For the 4th time this year my back is giving me problems caused by carrying heavy boxes. So, as one gets older, health issues knock on ones door. My stomach and colon have improved, however, saying all of that.
As for everything else at a standstill really, I hope for better things in 2021. My debt issues have still not improved, only being able to make tiny inroads in 2020. More to follow with hopes for 2021.

[Monica1]

Well, it has been a very long time since I last posted. I have my weekly GMA women’s group and that has been a source of great support. And is probably the main reason why I have not posted. But as year end approaches I am mindful of looking back over the last year and looking ahead to the next. And what a year it has been. Hard to know where to start. But when I look back at the goals I had in mind for 2020, I have In fact achieved a few of them.
I have continued to work from home and it is amazing how used you can get to just being on home arrest. I have had three battles on returning to work and won all three of them. The last one was just a day or two before we went into tier 4 lockdown and now they have backed off completely. Some of my boss’s team, not mine, did go in and now there is a covid outbreak amongst some of those that did go in. Glad I held out but it was draining. And we had an on line memorial service for the 5 nhs staff we lost in the first wave. That was moving and upsetting.
Christmas Day was spent at home. I watched white Christmas and the cooked a superb organic Xmas dinner from 11am to 4.30pm. Pete came round at 4.30 and we spent a lovely afternoon snd evening together. I got my engagement ring for Xmas, the only present in fact. It is gorgeous gold and turquoise stones. Unfortunately, it didn’t fit and I now wear it on my little finger till the jewellers are open again and we can have it altered. My mum spent Xmas alone but when I rang her on Xmas day, she sounded ok, a neighbour who is in her bubble was with her. My sister was the most upset and cried, having to spend Xmas day with nick and no presents. She was so used to cooking for us all. I actually, t9 be home eat, enjoyed Xmas day more than I would usually.

[Monica1]

Are you able to go to on line GA or online groups here? As Steev says counselling is a good way to go. Everything is now available on line with zoom or MS Tesms or even Skype. Now I am 62, I had menopause weight and last year took off 30 lbs in recovery. It can be done and I am enjoying life more in my 60s than before despite the difficult times we live in. I know you can’t stand your boss and we have all been there with bosses. You need to turn that around. Hate is a strong word and hate perpetuates hate in a downward spiral. I know it sounds mad but turn the language round. Try and wish him/her well despite how you feel about them. And for us girls, pampering ourselves really does help. I wish you success in your recovery journey and there is no such time that we cannot enjoy life. It is available at all ages.

[Monica1]

I think Pete and I know each other very well, it was a case of declaring what is acceptable and what isn’t. And I mean it!
nThursday for me was very busy. Sent my sister a large bouquet and champers for her 65th. She has been made redundant from her job of 43 years and is looking for something part time. They sent her flowers as a goodbye. Pathetic after 43 years and no leaving do or anything. I could not fit everything in and ended up falling asleep in the middle of my next course, deepening medical intuition. Good job I can repeat it..
n
n

[Monica1]

Amazing news and i am happy for you that your debt will be wiped out soon.
nAs for me, maybe in another ten years!
n

[Monica1]

The Edinburgh trip sounds pretty cool and a definite change of environment. I am pleased u can start your travels again. Scotland is a beautiful country and I am sure u will love it.

[Monica1]

Well, as Kin said he is glad I posted I am starting to post again and still do my gma group on a Thursday.
nTY steev. Well, it has been nearly six months now working from home and I guess people in a similar boat start to go a little stir crazy.
nI had my kinesiology appointment and now have some homeopathic remedies for the kidneys. It revealed some interesting things that I won’t discuss in the forum because they could seem a bit woo woo but they made perfect sense to me. One day I will but this was quite deep stuff. What I will say and what was Interesting was two themes patience, which I could relate to as I had been getting impatient about a number of things that very morning before the consult and a fear of being hurt came up. Now that was interesting because that very next day pete and I have never argued in over a year about anything, it has been that good. But he was in a flummox as a woman whom he did some work for hit on him in lockdown When they were sharing a drink together and he left rapidly without knowing what to say. She now wants himTo go back and do some work. We tried to discuss it and he was a bit angry and frustrated about everything, personally I think he overworks as he works 7 days a week and it is beginning to impact on him. I wondered why he hadn’t said he had a partner and why he felt he couldn’t say that. He kept calling me his ex partner and then he all of a sudden decided to go home as he was struggling with his feelings. He said he didn’t want to upset me which was the last thing he wanted but his behaviour particularly after I had just cooked a meal he had eaten was hurtful. I felt quite hurt by this which triggered memories of all the times he had hurt me deeply many years ago now, 14 or 15 years. I think subconsciously I am holding these memories in my cellular memory as I ended up with kidney cancer after a difficult time with him and now I have a problem with my kidney. The homeopathic remedies work on a deep level, I found the whole thing fa scinating. My appointment with the kidney doc is not until end of a OCtober so I will keep going with alternative remedies until then. It is strange just how these themes came up and they resonated a day or so later. Particularly when we hadn’t had a cross word in a year and a half.
nWell, Pete rang and apologised at lunchtime the next day. I explained how I felt and he explained how he felt. I said he knows I will not have anger in my house and he got it. I also Said that we are never to go to bed on an argument. They are my rules, and he understood. He just found being hit on by a client very difficult to deal with particularly as she is related to a very good friend and client of his. I was just hurt by his attitude but he more than made up for it by his apology today and we both understood where we were both coming from.
n
nWell, another night alone and not watching tv as I don’t really like tv any more. Just pottering about with my iPad.

[Monica1]

Hi Liz,sorry to hear u gambled, you mention you have been having urges for a while. What triggered those do you think?
nAt least the outcome was to be expected and I guess will put you off repeating the experience.
nYes, it is a blip. You have had such a long time now gf, how long has it been? I am really pleased not great damage was done. How r you going to prevent this happening again?

[Monica1]

I have caught up with your thread. I like very much your thread about ACT and mental obsessions. Today, as you do, you have helped me. ACT will help us to stop imagining the worst that could happen when it is not based on facts and reality. I am sorry you had a slip and I am sorry for the old man who lost all his money. You are right, his story is our story. I too am most unsuited for investments that involve any game of chance or risk.

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