[mythea]

Hi “AlwaysTheFish”… I´m not visiting these websites as often as in the start, so sorry for the late reply. I know that a lot of people recommend betfilters, but actually for me that hasn´t been right. I reacted to it by going into some kind of battle with myself: putting up a barrier, and finding a way to break it down. I realized there will ALWAYS be a way for me to gamble if I decide I want to, so I can´t rely on external supports. I decided i wanted to develop the internal strength or decision not to gamble, so if I´m exposed to a possibility to gamble I can say no. Ofcourse I make sure these situations don´t come up often, because I know I´m straining my willpower everytime I have to resist. Don´t walk into the lions cave if you don´t have to. I think of it as a form of self care, protecting myself. But I also think this is an individual choice, and not nessecearly suitable for everyone. It took me many years of self work to come where I am now. I tried to just stay away based on my will many ***** before, and not beeing able to. I remember that the gambling impulse was a lot stronger in me some years ago. I recall that I felt fysically forced to just do it. But then again it is interesting to ask the question: what did I do to enhance the impulse that strongly? Because I am convinced I have a free will, and that whatever I feel forced by is a result of MY unconscious, and something I need to get into my awareness. And when I think of that time when the urge was so strong, that was I time where I tried very hard to “hold the beast back”, say NO to the impulse. Set up barriers. I think that actually resulted in making the urge stronger. Today I have a different focus. I know that saying: “Don´t think about a pink elephant” actually makes me think about a pink elephant. Instead I try to distract myself, just move my awareness over to something else, or involve myself in some form of constructive activity that can sooth wathever uneasiness I feel. I have fallen down and risen SO many *****, so I just advice you to keep going “AlwaysTheFish”. If you try and try you will succeed in the end. And it is worth it. I´m soon 3 months in, and that´s the longest I have abstained. My life is improving all the time.

[mythea]

Hi everybody, and thank you so much!! I did NOT gamble yesterday, and it feels like such a relief! I also feel that I moved one step further in my process since I managed to ride of that tough wave I was on yesterday. It must mean I´m stronger now. I agree with you “AlwaysTheFish”, It doesen´t help me either to focus on one day at the time. I have to keep a bigger perspective all the time to be able to stay focused. That said I do understand the principle of staying away from gambling RIGHT HERE AND NOW. It is today you have to choose not to do it. Not any other day. Not someday in the future. I guess that´s classic, fooling yourself into believing you will quit “tomorrow”. I also agree with you and Vera that a complete recovery is a lot more than just not gambling. I use a metaphor for myself: Trying to stop gambling without working on your internal processes is like trying to hold back a forceful river that will eventually brake the hinders you have put up. Really working with yourself involves changing the direction of the river so that the impulse is channelized into something constructive in your life, and no longer ***** holdning back. And Velvet: Yes, life will improve, and I feel it´s improving all ready. Actually I´m starting to understand that my gambling has functioned as a hiding place for me, protecting me from my anxiety for failure. In that way it has held back my chance to unfold and grow as a person, but now that I have stopped gambling I am more anxious but also blooming more than ever. Thank you all a million ***** for your support.

[mythea]

******* ****. I´m so close to falling apart right now. But I know I just can´t do it. I keep reminding myself: You can always stop. It´s never too late. Tolerate the impulse. Don´t act on it. I swear I was just seconds ago from a deposit. But I didn´t do it. I distracted myself. Visited another website. Read a blog. Talked to a friend. Tried to ride the wave, and hopefully it will cool off. It never stops to amaze me how far off and how neat the addiction can be in just a minute. It jumps you from behind. You need to be a samurai to handle this devil. Thank you Runninggirl for your support. It is those kind of posts that keep me going. I said to myself: what will happen if I gamble now? I wount return to the gamblingtherapyforum out of shame, and what will happen then? I will have no security net. I will be on my own again. Free running. I don´t want that. Can´t do that. I have achieved so much the past months. Only 10 days away from 3 months of totally gambling free now. STAY IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mythea]

Only two weeks away from the 3 month mark now. Most days I´m fine, but the urge keeps coming out of nowhere now and then. Still feel quite vulnerable because of that. Guess I´ll always be vulnerable since gambling has been my coping strategy for so long…. Really starting to feel the effect in my economy. Not constantly broke anymore.

[mythea]

The risk is always there, but I think things are going ok. I´m 8 weeks gambling free tomorrow, and only 6 days away from 2 months, the 17th of May – Norway´s national day of independence! A good day to celebrate my own independence. ´Cause that´s it: I´m in a separation process with an urge that´s been sabotaging parts of my life for 20 years. And that is an important reminder too: I have LIVED for the last 20 years even though it´s been compromised by my gambling. A great part of it has been a rich and happy life, with lots of friends, family, education, fun and growth. And I want more of that. Maybe my own destructive powers can be a source of developement and insight when I get control over it. After all, we´re all struggling in life, in our individual ways. Maybe we should compare less, and just try to rise in our own battles.

[mythea]

Thanks Libbie. How are things with you?

[mythea]

Thank you 🙂 I´m 7 weeks today, and that means I must be moving close to 2 months! Wish you all a nice and gambling free day!! Life is so much better without the “gambler´s anxiety”.

[mythea]

Congratulations on your 100 days!! You should be really proud of yourself!!

[mythea]

Thank you Runninggirl! YES! Let´s make May 100% gambling free. I read your post about renovating the kitchen; sounds like a good motivation to stay away from betting: you will PHYSICALLY see the results around you! I don´t now if you have had the same feeling, but over the years I have felt that nothing around me or in my life could be built up because all I own has been sucked out into the gambling. It´s something magical about experiencing how money I work hard to make CAN accumulate, and CAN give me a lot of opportunities to do things in my life! So yes: Let´s work together for a gambling FREE May!!

[mythea]

I´m also in!

[mythea]

Sounds good Libbie! Are you selling antiques online? Do you have your own (internet)store? I have thought of doing something similar myself, maybe combined with furniture carpentry. Most likely I wount do anything about it, but I always thought it would be a nice job. I´m at week 4 today. Wish you another nice and gambling free week! 🙂

[mythea]

Yes Libbie, always get back, that´s the key. I have stopped a hundred ***** before, but never for long. You gain experiences every time you try, and one day you might stop completely. I think that is happening for me. My cup ran over. Not saying I don´t struggle: yesterday I had a horrible urge. It seems like it just pops up from nothing. It´s been gone for long, you think you´re doing fine, and then suddenly it´s there again! My daughter was sleeping, I had just had two glasses of white wine, my boyfriend was going out with some friends. Home alone. A full visa card. Tipsy. Spring feeling. That´s the worst condition. But I just told myself no. You´re not doing that anymore. It worked. Still in one piece today. Day 27. Four weeks tomorrow. Started doing piano lessons again, decided to apply for for a bachelor in music next year 2014. Will spend the next year rehearsing and preparing. Feels exciting. I already have a six year education from the University, and I know that if I´m going to survive studying and working part time my debts HAVE TO be paid off, and the pouring out of money into gambling must have been stopped completely. Obviously my subconscious must have been working on the urge last night, cause I dreamt that I was winning. You´ve been so good paying down your debts Libbie! Going from 80K to 12,5K is so good!! And Libbie, you don´t have to get back to where you were. Where you are now is ok. You can create some form of meaning where you are right now. Life does not have to be one up going line. Wish you a good day. 🙂

[mythea]

@LIBBIE: I´m sad to hear that you´re struggling Libbie. Is there a network near you, some form of group therapy or meetings you can go to? Maybe the extra support would be necessary?
@MAVERICK: Thank you so much for your support Maverick! I send my love right back to you!
@VERA: Thank you for your concern! 🙂 I don´t really know where my name comes from, I just came up with it, thought it sounded nice. I understand what you mean about just ******** days. That would be like ******** calories in a diet thinking that all the emotional issues with food will resolve just by waiting for it to happen. That´s not how I deal with my gambling problem. (Or not deal). I haven´t shared so much of the other processes going on in my life, but I am working hard with the underlying causes. I know that the gambling has had two main functions for me: regulating my anxiety, and giving me an emotional reaction that I have been missing elsewhere in my life. Besides ******** days I am working to develop in these areas. To say it in another way: I´m not trying to hold back the river (controlling the gambling impulse), I am trying to find a way to channelize the river in a more constructive direction (self-expression). For me that involves finding a way to express myself emotionally, and being more self assertive in a way that can make life itself exciting for me. I have always loved music, and have always heard I´m very talented at it. My problem is my shame. Because of years of being bullied I have been so constrained in my expression. The moment I try to show something genuine in me I shrink together in shame. The connection is so automatic, even when I´m alone. I can sit by the piano and not get anything out because I feel so blocked. I have experienced this self sensor as an internal emptiness. This emptiness is what I have been trying to fill with gambling, and also in periods with food (but because I was bullied for being “fat” I can never allow myself to become that…). I am at a place now where I am more able to fill the void in me, and where I feel a lot of hope for my future. There´s a deep depression in me that´s loosing it´s grip.
When it comes to the ******** I need it to get the gambling on a distance, and to make a serious obligation. I´m afraid I will bagatallize falling out once in a while if I don´t decide to NEVER do it again (And falling out “once in a while” can be quite a disaster when your´re a compulsive gambler…. Months or years of building yourself up can be lost in a day.) This is the first time I am trying to *****, and I feel a pride and a relief to see that life without gambling is passing by. In time I will not ***** days, ofcourse, I hope I will come to a place where I “notice” another month has passed by while I was busy doing something else.

[mythea]

Yes Libbie, that’s the hardest part!! Accepting were we are now, not trying to undo it! Tolerating the regret. I’m at day 24 now, and next wedensday I can celebrate 1 month. Hope you’re hanging in there too Libbie.

[mythea]

Yes, Libbie. I try to take that agression I´m usually directing towards myself through self-hatred or self-destruction, and direct it outwards – where it belongs. Towards the casinos, towards the addiction. I´m at 3 weeks today, and so relieved for that! I feel safer and calmer every step I take away from my own self-destruction. I wish I will be ******** months soon, and I know that if I just wait I will be ******** years. Just some time back it seemed almost impossible for me to get rid of the gambling part of me, but I realize now that I have the chance to put it on a distance. So far away that it will not define me anymore. Hoping that someday in the future I can visit a bank, and I will have nothing to be ashamed of cause there wount be any gambling transactions in my recent history – and I will have savings. The good side of this addiction, if there can be any, is that i´m used to not spending much on other things in my life because I´ve never had the money! So now that I don´t gamble anymore I do have a low spending and I can call myself reasonable!
Wish you a nice day Libbie, and hope you find some peace throughout the day. And again: let us keep ********.

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