[Neecy]

Seems like you have turned a corner, well done you. Being true to yourself is what it’s all about. Life is hard and knocks you down it’s getting up each time is the hardest part I believe. Something I found hard recently but by the grace of God here I am! Hope you’re well Fox keep fighting xx

[Neecy]

Hi San
I certainly have found something to make me smile, your lovely words, God bless you for caring xxx
I am jealous of you as you still have your CG and he loves you. That probably sounds selfish of me but unfortunately that’s how I still feel. Obviously I’m glad my CG is getting help but by helping him to do this I have lost him, and the thoughts that in all probability it’s forever are still enough to bring tears. It’s very hard to accept that perhaps he never really loved me at all. So many friends and acquaintances tell me he’s a fool to not want me, that I’m attractive, intelligent, a nice person and maybe it’s true but just makes me feel worse! If I am then why does the man I love not love me? Life just isn’t fair sometimes is it? Why do the nice people never seem to win?
My daughter is a little better and has been a god send in the past few weeks, she’s even taken to sleeping in my bed, something she’s not done for years. Guess at the moment we both need the safety and companionship . Starting an exercise class tonight, hoping it will help with sleep for us both. And maybe a few shared laughs along the way.
Thanks again for ur words and ur cyber hug , both needed and appreciated.
Much love
Neecy xxxx

[Neecy]

Hi San
I certainly have found something to make me smile, your lovely words, God bless you for caring xxx
I am jealous of you as you still have your CG and he loves you. That probably sounds selfish of me but unfortunately that’s how I still feel. Obviously I’m glad my CG is getting help but by helping him to do this I have lost him, and the thoughts that in all probability it’s forever are still enough to bring tears. It’s very hard to accept that perhaps he never really loved me at all. So many friends and acquaintances tell me he’s a fool to not want me, that I’m attractive, intelligent, a nice person and maybe it’s true but just makes me feel worse! If I am then why does the man I love not love me? Life just isn’t fair sometimes is it? Why do the nice people never seem to win?
My daughter is a little better and has been a god send in the past few weeks, she’s even taken to sleeping in my bed, something she’s not done for years. Guess at the moment we both need the safety and companionship . Starting an exercise class tonight, hoping it will help with sleep for us both. And maybe a few shared laughs along the way.
Thanks again for ur words and ur cyber hug , both needed and appreciated.
Much love
Neecy xxxx

[Neecy]

Hi M
Thanks for your post and to all of you who I know are still thinking of me, and praying for me (Vera). Xxx Still having a tough time , lot more downs than ups, been accused of stuff I haven’t done by my CG s sister! Felt awful esp as it was New Years Day, which I should have been with him and was thinking back to last year spent together. Although in reality he’d got leg less New Years Eve and it wasn’t that good now my rose tinted glasses are off. Anyhow it upset me and angered me to be accused of trying to hurt him when all I’ve ever done is hurt myself trying to keep him happy.
My youngest daughter is struggling again and so focusing in on her and her needs is helping as not so much time to think. Not been online much as I had counseling last week and found the talking face t face hard so I needed time just not t have t think or talk about it. Been blocking it out hoping it ll go away but it hasn’t. The gaping wound is still there when u remove whatever u plaster over it t try t hide it!
Help I’m still hurting, still struggling to understand but I’ve not contacted him, on my way to a month and counting and still no intention of doing so. But on the downside I still love him and miss him desperately and would prob give my right arm to hear his voice,
Love and lots if hugs to you all
Neecy xxxxx

[Neecy]

sorry about the typos was upset

[Neecy]

Hi All
Thanks for all your posts to me over the Xmas period, been a tough time all round. I kept missing people on the unmoderated chat and Velvet didnt get e mail about last nights group till ten to ten. The group didnt come up on my feed and I was gutted, really needed to chat.
Heard some stuff my CG been posting online about getting rid of “unwanted baggage” like he has , guess thats me then huh? To say I was hurt is an understatement, I thought the letter was a low blow, but hes really taking the biscuit now. I was the one who found Gordon Moody and did all the leg work and it hurts so much now to be thought of as unwanted baggage. I didnt d it for thanks I did it out of love and concern, not just for the man I loved but for another human being. Hurst a lot this human being can refer to me this way.
When I started posting here I used to be scared one day hed read what I posted and guessed it was me, now I hope he does and I hope it will shame him to know how he made me feel. I wouldnt treat a dog the ways hes treated , and continues to try to treat me even now.
Well no more I wont be a victim of this cruel, callous behaviour. How dare he talk about me as unwanted baggage. There are many people in my life who want me. Hes the idiot not to value me. I may have been an idiot and too trusting, but dod you know what Id rather be me and have learned hard lessons than the kind of person who can treat someone who loves them like he has. Lies are coming out daily and it looks like hed rather run than confront them, I just hope he faces them over these next 12 weeks so he doesnt watse the opportunity of this treatment otherwise this will all have been for nothing.
Finally realised nothing I can do for him anymore Ive stretched my arms out to him for so long waiting forhim to grab them that theyre tired and need holding up themselves. Im going to try to rest tham now wnd wrap them tight around myseld and say to myself I appreciate you, I love you Neecy xxxxxxxx

[Neecy]

Hi Megan
Your post made me happy and sad. Sad because I felt your pain and your helplessness. Happy because I too am new here , but I know already how the wonderful people on this site will help you to cope with the feelings you have now, and will have in the future. They have helped me move forward so much already , even though I have barely started yet on my journey.
Be kind to yourself, Ive learned that already, you deserve happiness and are not your mums keeper. Yes you love her and want to help her, but she has to do the hard work herself , for herself. You have your own hard work to do, for yourself.
Lots of love and a huge hug coming your way Megan.
Neecy xxxxxxxxxxx

[Neecy]

Hi all
Just wondered if anyone will be online today, could really do with a chat xx
Love Neecy xxx

[Neecy]

Hi Jenny
Awed to read your post, so full of strength while at minute I feel so incredibly week. I only hope one day I will get to the place you are.
With love and gratitude for your honesty
Neecy xxx

[Neecy]

hI v
WHEN ARE YOU ONLINE TOMORROW?
lOVE nEECY XXXXXXX

[Neecy]

Thanks San
Ill try my very best. Its 10 am and kids still in bed, tried online as when V said about joining her i though she meant literally so instead Im hearing asking God to hear my words of the Serenity Prayer and help me this day to practise them.
Thank you all for caring so much, am hurting so much because it feels like he doesnt even care Im hurting at minute let alone have any love for me and thtas hard to take.
Im going to get my girls up and give them their presents. I know theyve spent far too much on me to try to make me happy but what I want isnt bought by money.
God bless you all my friends, hope to speak to you all in realtime soon
Neecy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Neecy]

Hi Velvet
Tried to get on for twenty mins and couldn’t, later I realised phone connection for internet was unplugged. I slept most of Xmas Eve I really am struggling and crying a lot again. I miss him so much V and keep thinking back to last Xmas, everyone seems so happy , while I feel so sad and lonely even though I have my girls and they’ve been great.
With my dad it was sort of connected to my CG , my girls felt I was neglecting them but it was grossly exaggerated and my dad wouldn’t discuss it, he’s a difficult man there’s no compromise with him ever. He stopped talking to my brother during my brothers chemotherapy for a brain tumor and only made up when I had to tell him my brother didn’t have long to live.
I love him dearly but tbh my step mum has always come first and it was my mother who was always my main source of support in tough times.
I really thought I had a lid on it but don’t really have any family to turn to. My best support is a lady who runs my church, speitualist, she’s old enough to be my mum and is always there for me. My girls love her too and we are going over there this evening. She is funny and daft and takes my mind off things.
I will def be on at 10 am I missed talking last night so much.
Merry Christmas
Love Neecy xxx

[Neecy]

Hi V
Definitely be there
Neecy x

[Neecy]

Hi Monique
Thank u again for ur lovely words. I’m afraid I am struggling again today! I had a good day Sunday my daughter took us all out for lunch, and paid. I visited my friend in evening and we helped her daughter pack her kids presents. I had a couple of drinks, not many, and we shared a take away.
For a few hours I felt better and not engulfed with sadness.
Yesterday morning I was getting ready to go shopping when my dad rang me. He hasn’t spoken to me since April over stuff my eldest daughter told him that was a gross exaggeration of the truth, something she now admits to. He said as long as I was with my CG he didn’t want to know me. I rang him Father’s Day and he put the phone down on me. I wrote him a long letter which received no answer. I have had to work hard with my counsellor as the rejection was hard to take.
Eventually I resigned myself to the fact that I’d probably never see him again as he’s 78.
He rang yesterday and obviously I was glad, he said he realised life is too short and he’d not interfere in my life. Ironic as my CG no longer wants to be in mine. I wasn’t prepared for the emotional floodgate it would open. I had my say, nicely and told him a few home truths but we ended the conversation with a truce. I’m sure we will see each other soon, but not just yet my feelings are too raw just now.
I feel in back to square one. I cried on and off all day yesterday and I’m really struggling today.
I know it WILL pass but at the minute I feel overwhelmed.
I have such nice memories of Xmas day last year when my CG cooked for me and the kids. It was a quiet simple day but full of love and hope .
Really hope I can get back to where I was Sunday for my youngest s sake most if all.
Much love
Neecy xxxx

[Neecy]

Hi Monique
Thanks for your kind comments. Yes I am moving forward with a lot of help from the wonderful, kind people on here, the chat groups, the web team and GMA. I have found it very painful to move forward , but no more painful than staying where I was sitting on my bed crying all day while my CG was moving forward.
I’m still struggling daily, hourly if I’m totally honest. Xmas is bad time for me anyhow because of my son .Also it was my brothers bday on Saturday, he died six years ago and today is four years since I buried my mother. So all in all a tough time . So I am proud to be getting on with things at all. I’ve made myself put make up on which I haven’t been doing. I’m no longer going out looking like the Wreck of the Hesperus and frightening small children.
Thoughts of being without him and never seeing him again still crowd my mind but not enough to make me weaken and try to contact him. I have enough self respect to know I can’t make him want me and enough self respect to want him to respect me now even if he doesn’t love me. I know now I won’t die without him, even if it ll be hard to swallow and move on. I’ve acknowledged now I am worth it. And I want any man I’m with to acknowledge that and be proud to say to the world , this is a wonderful woman, she’s mine and I’m proud of her .
If I don’t speak to you again before, I wish you and your loved ones a peaceful and blessed Christmas.
Much love
Neecy xxxx

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