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  • in reply to: Since 2020 #170704
    notyoung56
    Participant

    Law is a rule defining the correct procedure and behavior.

    Rules is a set of regulations or principles, code of practice and discipline to control conduct or procedure over an area or people.

    Command and Order is a statement made by a person with authority that tells someone to do something.

    Instruction is a direction, order, information about how something should be done or operated.

    Recipe is a set of instruction that lead to an outcome.

    Guideline is a general rule, principle or advice on how something should be done.

    Directions are instruction or guideline that you give someone to find a place.

    Suggestion is an idea or plan put forward for consideration.

    Basic principle is a basic fundamental truth that serve as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior.

    Just a thought:

    Does it help if I was not given a choice and a freedom to decide?
    If I break or did not follow the law, rule, command, order, instruction.
    I will have to face sanction, punishment or the consequences.
    A Higher Power help me to decide.

    When I play God
    I get into all kind of mess and troubles.
    I could not tell or cannot see the difference between what is right and wrong?
    I do not know or was unsure of what I can do and cannot do?
    I make bad choices and decisions.

    If they do not force me to follow a suggestion, advice, direction, guideline,
    I will struggle to follow them when things get tough and difficult, painful and hard.

    Is it such a good thing to let me decide if I do not have the wisdom to make my own decision.
    I did not do all the thing that I must do in recovery.
    I did all the thing that I must not do in recovery.
    11 days recovery turned into a 40 years journey for me.

    Did I enjoy my freedom of choice?

    I must learn how to trust and obey.

    in reply to: Since 2020 #170691
    notyoung56
    Participant

    Incident 2
    I was late for work, and as I walk out of the station, I remove my surgical mask and put it inside the right pocket in my jacket and pull out my hand.
    I did not see anything, but I can feel a piece of wastepaper falling out. I continue walking and ignore what happen, I may have accidentally dropped a litter.
    I was already on the next level of the building, I could feel a powerful force inside my body, it was guiding me, and I felt very uncomfortable when I did not listen to this Higher Power because I do not want to do it and continue walking to my working destination. The feeling was so uncomfortable that I actually turn around and go back to double check. I return to the same spot at the basement level to take a look and I saw a familiar piece of wastepaper belonging to me, I pick it up and throw it into the rubbish bin. The uncomfortable feeling immediately disappears after I did the right thing.
    I wanted to resist and continue with my ways, but I felt very uncomfortable and give up my wrong way.
    I was attracted to do wrongs, but this Power stop me from wrongdoing, and help me to do what I did not want to do or could not do on my own.
    Some call this conscience which is a person’s moral sense of right and wrong acting as a guide to one behaviour.

    Can I lose my conscience?

    After making one bad, destructive, dishonest choice after another to gamble and finding excuses and reasons justifying why I was right and reasonable to gamble so many times. I have successfully bend, twisted, distorted, and change my moral compass so much that I lose my moral sense of right and wrong direction which guide my behavior and action, no matter how terrible it was in my mind.

    I hit a new bottom when I was not behaving like a human being anymore but a cornered animal, when I was so desperate to survive by whatever means; I will do and say anything to get what I want so that I can continue to gamble without thinking about the immediate effect on others or the long-term consequences for everyone including myself.

    If you are like me, “It’s not that you are not aware, it is more like you do not care enough anymore.

    I have lost my conscience and forget what it feels like after so many years.
    I was so surprised to experience and recognize this strong feeling again.

    I am grateful to my Higher Power. Thank you for the mercy and grace, and the spiritual awakening of my conscience after so long.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: Since 2020 #170679
    notyoung56
    Participant

    As hard as I try, January was a good month but not a perfect month for me.
    Towards the end when life got better. I became over-confident and relax.
    I stop putting in more effort and hard work.
    I was becoming complacent; my guard was down.
    I stop paying attention to little things.
    I stop doing my best to protect my recovery.

    No one is watching – I have freedom – I can do anything I like.
    I cannot resist eating at the wrong time,
    I cannot resist staying active when I should be sleeping and resting.
    The temptation was strong.

    Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
    Mathew 26:41

    My old ways are wrong, they are self-destructive and a bad habit.
    It was easy to be lazy, I just stop putting in effort and hard work.

    Some says the first day was not easy.
    The first day after I return to healthy way,
    and stop eating at the wrong time, and sleeping on time,
    I receive the biggest shock.

    I woke up late for work the next day.
    The thing I fear most happen,
    it was not supposed to end up this way.
    It affected my confident and emotions very badly.

    I can plan, but it did not work out according to my plan.
    Am I going to give up and stop doing the right thing?
    Am I going to continue to do the right thing unconditionally regardless of the outcome?

    I need to put in more effort and hard work to protect my recovery.
    I need to be more careful. I need to check and double check.

    I need a Higher Power and Way to help me do the thing I cannot do.

    2 good days has passed since I woke up late for work in February.

    One day at a time
    I need to “Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation.”

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: Since 2020 #170677
    notyoung56
    Participant

    In my gambling days, I was facing problem brought by gambling.
    In my gamble free days, I was facing problem that leads me to gambling.

    in reply to: Since 2020 #170535
    notyoung56
    Participant

    I read about these 12 Promises in AA 12 steps before they happen to me.

    It then lists down 12 promises of deliverance.

    “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.”

    1. “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.”

    2. “We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.”

    3. “We will comprehend the word serenity

    4. “We will know peace.”

    5. “No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.”

    6. “That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.”

    7. “We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.”

    8. “Self-seeking will slip away

    9. “Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.”

    10. “Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.”

    11. “We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.”

    12. “We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: Since 2020 #170529
    notyoung56
    Participant

    My understanding

    Step 1
    I admit that my ways are wrong.
    my ways had made my life unmanageable.
    my ways did not work.

    Step 2
    I need to seek a Higher Power and Way first.
    I need to trust a Higher Power and Way.
    I believe that a Higher Power and Way can change and restore me.

    Step 3
    I change.
    I give up my way.
    I was convinced and willing.
    I follow a new way.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: Since 2020 #170525
    notyoung56
    Participant

    What are the enemy bigger and stronger mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually than me that I am facing right now?

    I read in the bible…

    As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17

    Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16

    I read in the 12 steps of Gamblers Anonymous…

    Step 4 – Made a searching and fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves.

    Step 5 – Admitted to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

    In Step 4, you are challenged emotionally with the prospect of confronting the fear and pain that comes with taking a moral and financial inventory.

    In the 4th Step, you undergo the painful process of facing and confronting your wrongs.

    Often called the “confession” step, Step 5 “admit to a Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrong.”

    Step 5 is where the recovery turns from taking stock of the past to start building a new, healthier future.

    In the 5th Step, you sit down with one or more other people and confess everything to get it all out in the open.

    I need to work harder today to protect and keep my recovery. I love my recovery in the month of January.

    When I become complacent; when my guard is down, when I am not paying attention. I can so easily slip and lose my recovery in the month of February.

    What have I been doing that has help me in the past but have not been doing lately or could have done better?

    Gambling Therapy has been a great help, this site allows me to process my thought and journal on the subject.

    My problem
    I have become less discipline lately; I have started eating before I sleep, it is making me lazy and tired and causing me difficulty to fall asleep and wake up on time. I am beginning to act out for quick relief and escape from suffering, stress and anxiety.

    It would be so pointless and fruitless for me to lose everything I have in the process of chasing after something I do not have.

    It was so tempting to be lazy and stop the good work and habit I started doing in January. They say the best advice was the one I do not want to listen and do. I did not stay up and active before I sleep in most part of January, I give up surfing internet when it was time to sleep. I drank water if I feel like eating before I sleep, I choose to eat after I wake up.

    I remember reading…

    “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. Mathew 16:24

    “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not me.” Luke 22:42

    “Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise. John 5:19

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: 3rd And Final #170311
    notyoung56
    Participant

    Congratulation on your growth, progress, maturity and success!

    in reply to: Since 2020 #170309
    notyoung56
    Participant

    I could not read the bible after doing it for 6 months. I could not do it for 4 months in my previous employment. I was too worried, stressed, fearful, and anxious by the job. I lost that job in the end, and I still could not read the bible for 1 month before I start the current one. I was too worried, stressed, fearful, and anxious after I lost my employment and income.

    My new job offered me a lot of personal, quiet, peaceful, calm time with little or no distraction to continue reading from where I last stop. I feel very happy and grateful for this newly found time and opportunity to heal my wound and recover.

    And I would not be able to understand and relate to many things I read if I had not experienced all the curve balls thrown at me in life.

    I will continue my recovery from where I stop last time.

    Isaiah 31:1 King James Version (KJV)
    “Woe to them that go down to Egypt for help; and stay on horses, and trust in chariots, because they are many; and in horsemen, because they are very strong; but they look not unto the Holy One of Israel, neither seek the LORD!”

    Deuteronomy 17:16 New International Version
    16 The king, moreover, must not acquire great numbers of horses for himself or make the people return to Egypt to get more of them, for the Lord has told you, “You are not to go back that way again.”

    My problem
    I did not seek God first; I trust myself more, I listen to me, and I seek my ways.

    I admit that my ways are wrong.
    my ways had made my life unmanageable.
    my ways did not work.

    I need to seek a Higher Power and way first.
    I need to trust a Higher Power and way.
    I believe that a Higher Power and way can change me and restore me to a normal way of thinking and living.

    My ways did not work.
    I change and give up my way.
    I follow a new way.

    If I need help, I must not go back to Egypt, I must not go that way.
    If I am depressed, I must not take alcohol, I must not go that way.
    If I feel helpless, discourage, and hopeless, I must not gamble, I must not go that way.
    If I feel frustrated, disappointed, impatient, I must not gamble, I must not go that way.
    If I need money, I must not gamble, I must not go that way.
    If I am bored and lonely, I must not use the slot machine, I must not go that way.

    When I face a bigger and stronger enemy –
    some situations, some thing, some place, some person I cannot change.
    When I have heavy responsibilities, fall sick, huge debt, lost my job and income, face difficult people.
    When I am worried, stressed, fearful, and anxious,
    I must not gamble.

    I need to work hard today to protect and keep my recovery.
    It was just too easy to take for granted and feel a stupid false sense of security and safety.
    When I become complacent.
    When my guard is down.
    When I am not alert.
    When I become lazy and careless.
    When I do not pay attention.
    I can so easily slip and lose everything.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: Since 2020 #170098
    notyoung56
    Participant

    It was a distraction, and it threaten to spoil my mood today. It was about some thing, some one or some place imperfect. I want to fix the situation and fix it quick but I found out I could not fix the problem immediately.

    When I was troubled by a bigger problem, I could not pay attention to all the small problems. I cannot notice them. When I have a big problem, I was more than happy to accept and live with all the small problems peacefully. I only want the big problem to go away but after I have fixed my big problem, I allow my small problem to become the biggest problem I ever had. I would lose my peace, become disturb and unhappy.

    I have a very bad habit of losing my happiness, gratitude and contentment very quickly by chasing after something I do not have and losing everything I have in the end. It was so painful.

    I cannot keep on chasing and wanting more and more. I need to stay focus and work hard to keep and protect what I have today.
    I can only do it one day at a time.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: Since 2020 #170080
    notyoung56
    Participant

    I did not need any substance or winnings from gambling to feel high today.

    A few weeks ago, I was so worried, stressed,
    fearful and anxious where my next income is going to come from
    I do not have any money to service my every month commitments.

    I am so thankful to be employed today.
    I am very grateful for the mercy and grace from God.
    I have never felt this happy, high and satisfied for a long time.
    I feel very secure and calm knowing that a salary is waiting for me.
    something enough to cover my needs for this month.

    It was a manageable job, the income was enough,
    and I do not experience the same kind of fear and stress that I received from the last few jobs I lost recently.

    I really do not wish to fall into the trap of taking things for granted.
    I am willing to work hard to protect my gamble free recovery and my job today.
    I do this one day at a time.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
    in reply to: Since 2020 #170079
    notyoung56
    Participant

    Hi Charles,

    Thank you very much for sharing your valuable experience and advise.

    in reply to: Since 2020 #169971
    notyoung56
    Participant

    Yesterday has passed. Tomorrow has not come.
    My past and future were a big distraction.
    It has brought me great fear, stress, worries, and anxieties.

    I need to stay very focus on today.
    I need to do whatever it takes not to relapse today.

    I need to work hard today to keep my recovery and my job.
    Tomorrow I shall do the same.

    I do it “One day at a time”

    in reply to: Since 2020 #169968
    notyoung56
    Participant

    Bad thing can happen when I am not gambling,
    and some days can be difficult.

    I have faced many DISRUPTIONS and DISTRACTIONS in my gamble free recovery.
    They have DAMAGE and DESTROY my gamble free recovery many times over the years.

    These disruptions and distractions had caused my recovery to DECLINE, DETERIORATE, and DECAY.
    It has caused my recovery to weaken, lose strength, fall apart and DISINTEGRATED many times.

    I need to be careful of the distraction and disruption to my recovery that can happen.
    They can be very DESTRUCTIVE to my recovery.
    Be warn and beware of the disruptions and distractions.

    I am grateful, appreciative and thankful when the road was straight and smooth going
    It is not always that way.

    in reply to: Since 2020 #169727
    notyoung56
    Participant

    I admit that my ways are wrong.
    How do I choose to live after I admit that my ways are wrong?

    Just for Today:
    If I want to keep this job, I need to work hard.
    If I need money, I do not go back to gambling.
    If I truly repent, I will give up my old ways and lead a new way of life.

    My life is a problem if I have not learnt how to repent.
    After I admit that my ways are wrong; I am willing to change.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by notyoung56.
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